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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of people saying 'well, it's alright for you...'

283 replies

itsbrandybutterandtinseltime · 30/12/2011 19:43

DH and I are very fortunate to be in good jobs, and we are the first to admit this.

However, DH and I were over at a friends house when the topic of money came up. Basically, we were told that our opinion wasn't really valid (a chat about being frugal) because of the amount we earn. "oh, it's alright for you being on that wage".

If it's SO easy; you do it then. I work incredibly hard for my wage; so does DH. We don't broadcast our earnings, but we are fortunate enough to live a nice lifestyle. It feels like other people look at me and think I have it easy; like I do bugger all and somehow a pay cheque rocks up in my account every month Hmm.

We get this attitude fairly frequently from these people ('oh, it's not a lot of money for you I suppose', 'not with what you earn') and it embarrasses and frustrates me. AIBU, or should I think up a decent comeback?

OP posts:
homealone1 · 30/12/2011 20:29

examples please.....Grin

Original poster
itsbrandybutterandtinseltime · 30/12/2011 20:29

habbibu I am thankful, I am grateful. I don't pretend my situation is anything other than 'right place right time', but I don't see why we should be subject to these comments.

OP posts:
littlemisssarcastic · 30/12/2011 20:31

habbibu 'I do think that if you're not struggling then you can just damn well cope with a few irritating remarks'*

What a very bitter attitude to have. Why can't people be pleased for others when the other person's only known crime fault is that they are financially more comfortable than yourself?

Sad
Sookeh · 30/12/2011 20:33

It's ludicrous to suggest that just because the OP is financially comfortable that she should tolerate bitterness and rudeness from her friends.

habbibu · 30/12/2011 20:33

I'm not bitter at all. I feel perfectly well off. But I am willing to accept that sometimes people feel fed up and tired of struggling and just can't do being pleased for people.

Original poster
itsbrandybutterandtinseltime · 30/12/2011 20:34

No pictish it's the way it's said. Example;

We were having dinner, which was a turkey curry leftover from Xmas. I remarked how delicious it was to the hostess, and how mind would pale in comparison. She said she was just being frugal, to which I said yes, I had also saved leftovers to make x dish because turkeys were ludicrously priced. To which she said 'huh, not that you guys have to worry with 2x your wages coming in'.

This has happened before in a similar vane.

OP posts:
habbibu · 30/12/2011 20:35

No, it's not, sookeh. You can accept your friends have flaws, and just put up with them. I don't know exactly what flaws my friends put up with from me, but I do not doubt there are plenty some, and am grateful that they do.

tethersend · 30/12/2011 20:35

It's a bit much to have more than other people and get pissed off that they're not pleased for you. Christ.

gottagetanewcalender · 30/12/2011 20:36

I think then you should challenge the comments, i took alot of snippy comments of a mum of my DD's friend, because i was married and doing ok where as she was living on benefits as a LP. I never replied or mentioned spending infront of her (but i couldn't hide when her DD went home and told her about me redecorating etc). Within two years my situation changed because of my DHs health conditions and death.

None of us know what is instore and if you aren't doing anything to warrant it, you shouldn't take any crap off anyone.

hwjm1945 · 30/12/2011 20:36

Look at these friends adn think hard about what you say about your financial situation. I and DH have good jobs, we work hard and have doen so consistently for 25 years, I have faced commetns from someone who was SAHM for 9 years unti lher divorce, pre divorce ,thecommetns were to the effect that as I had always worked, I had not been a real mother, post divorce when her income dropped like a stone, the commetns are now" it's easy for you, yuo've got it made, good professional job" etc. Are these people friends or do they actually disloke or resent yuo? If the latter, have a look at the way you behave about money - do you flaunt it? do you talk about great bargains, like a 100 quid handbag down to 50? do you suggest you know what grinding poverty is ? I do, cos I was brought up wiht it, and it really does mean no cahs for other kids birhtday pressies so no parties etc, and if people are that poor, soemone who "worked hard and deserves it" may be difficlut to stomach, if there is any whiff of pretence of understanding etc.

Original poster
itsbrandybutterandtinseltime · 30/12/2011 20:37

tether I wasn't asking for them to me pleased for me, just annoyed over comments which seem pretty uncalled for.

OP posts:
pictish · 30/12/2011 20:37

Well....let's see....would I rather put up with a few irritating remarks, or have two days with no heating or hot water, or gas for the hob, because we have no money to put in the gas meter till Thursday?

Let me think......

Seriously OP - I am glad for you...you totally seem to appreciate the position you're in and have a realistic attitude to life....but I do think your good luck and hard word MORE than makes up for the comments you have endured.
Take it on the chin and count your blessing s eh? Please.

habbibu · 30/12/2011 20:37

I'm not saying it's not irritating, but either it's just a reaction to money problems/Christmas/job stress, or your friends are not really people you want to be friends with anyway. If it's the former, then i do think just putting up with it is appropriate.

RoxyRobin · 30/12/2011 20:38

Best just to listen to the frugality conversations without chipping in. I have an extremely wealthy sister who joins in with thrift tips when we're talking about the dire financial state of one of my other sisters, who has just lost her job. I'm sure she means well, but it always ends badly Smile

tethersend · 30/12/2011 20:39

itsbrandy, that was to littlemiss's comment:

"Why can't people be pleased for others when the other person's only known crime fault is that they are financially more comfortable than yourself?"

pictish · 30/12/2011 20:39

Oh...well yeah....that comment was deffo pretty rude and uncalled for. Is this a good friend of yours that said it?

Original poster
itsbrandybutterandtinseltime · 30/12/2011 20:39

Blush sorry tethers

OP posts:
Backtobedlam · 30/12/2011 20:39

Tbh they don't sound like the type of 'friends' I'd want to be around. You'll be constantly walking on egg shells. I mean conversation on work, holidays, cars, nights out etc would all be off as this could be linked back to how much more money you have to spend on these.

I don't discuss income as such with friends, but you'd be surprised how often money, in a general way, does crop up.

Pantofino · 30/12/2011 20:40

I would say that particular comment was rude and uncalled for too.

Kellogg · 30/12/2011 20:40

As a teacher I have never worked as hard as my grandparents who did manual jobs and lived in genuine poverty.

I am where I am because of a huge dollop of luck and therefore would never say I am where I am because of hard work.

Original poster
itsbrandybutterandtinseltime · 30/12/2011 20:40

Well pictish it was, she seems to have been a bit blow hot/cold in the past few weeks.

OP posts:
Stay123 · 30/12/2011 20:41

Very insensitive to say you've struggled to get where you are. Any proof of this? No luck/pushiness/slyness nvolved? Lots of people work very in hard in horrible jobs and get paid minimum wage. Try working on a conveyor belt for 8 hours day with machinery around you that you can't have a conversation with anyone to pass the time.

Kellogg · 30/12/2011 20:41

It just takes a little common sense, I would not discuss frugal tips with someone who earns the minimum wage. I would do with someone who earns a similar middle wage.

oiwheresthecoffee · 30/12/2011 20:43

I do wish people wouldnt say " I work damn hard for my money" as though that means they deserve their money more than say..a nurse who works 14 hour shifts but doesnt earn that much. I bet he/she works very very hard for his/her money too but just doesnt eran quite so much.

And it sounds like your friends are right...its all very well for you isnt it ? You dont have to actually worry about money do you ? You might save and not pay £££ for turrkey but you dont have to worry and stress if you run out of bread 2 days before payday or feel guilty if you have a starbucks.

pictish · 30/12/2011 20:43

Mmm...well my fil and his wife are well minted, and also quite obnoxu=ious about it too...they quietly rub their success in our faces quite often....not that we react whatsoever of course.
Even so....I would never comment to them as your friend did to you. So on that one yanbu.

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