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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of people saying 'well, it's alright for you...'

283 replies

itsbrandybutterandtinseltime · 30/12/2011 19:43

DH and I are very fortunate to be in good jobs, and we are the first to admit this.

However, DH and I were over at a friends house when the topic of money came up. Basically, we were told that our opinion wasn't really valid (a chat about being frugal) because of the amount we earn. "oh, it's alright for you being on that wage".

If it's SO easy; you do it then. I work incredibly hard for my wage; so does DH. We don't broadcast our earnings, but we are fortunate enough to live a nice lifestyle. It feels like other people look at me and think I have it easy; like I do bugger all and somehow a pay cheque rocks up in my account every month Hmm.

We get this attitude fairly frequently from these people ('oh, it's not a lot of money for you I suppose', 'not with what you earn') and it embarrasses and frustrates me. AIBU, or should I think up a decent comeback?

OP posts:
tethersend · 30/12/2011 20:11

Grin at 'vulgar'

Funny how only people who have money think discussing it is vulgar...

talkingnonsense · 30/12/2011 20:11

I think the op has a point, very few people get a good wage for nothing, and well paid jobs are usually well paid for a reason - long hours, good qualifications, etc. generally speaking well paid people do, or have worked harder at some point than others. That's just life. If you don't like it, get a better job. Or earn less but have a better work life balance. I think your friends sound jealous, and it must be hard for you.

worriedsilly · 30/12/2011 20:11

When my dh was made redundant, whilst very very ill, from a dying trade with littl ehope of work in apart of UK with no industry, whilst I was on extended sick leave with rather a nasty illness myself- many many many very well to do friends [from uni days, not in my social or work circles now due to circumstnaces] told me to 'cut my cloth'

The implication was that somehow shopping at aldi instead of sainsbury and buying own brand baked beans would in some way save the k25 we lost from his redundancy and mean we could magiclly live on my k12 made me feel physically sick. This from people whio were having to dip in to savings to fund their business expansion as times were so tough.

There was no cloth to cut.

I felt genuinely happy for their success, good on them, but I resented their total inability to have empathy with my life.

Maybe your friends are suffering similar tough times and day drem about being you? Handle them with care, trust me mariiages and families fall apart ove this shit and they may need your friendship.

I do understand your point though, just remember some people are genruinely scared shitless right now.

SarahStratton · 30/12/2011 20:12

God, lucky you. I'm a single parent, 2 DDs and I have just over 18K going into the bank a year. Don't get a penny in maintenance either.

gottagetanewcalender · 30/12/2011 20:13

I don't understand why they are talking about money to you, if your opinion isn't valid. A chat is supposed to be a two way thing, or are you supposed to just listen?

I have family who are millionairs and i wouldn't dream about having a conversation with them about the cost of anything or having to budget.

My DH worked harder than his brother but he was the worker, my BIL owned the company, so got to structure the wage system.

MyCatHasStaff · 30/12/2011 20:15

I totally get where you're coming from OP. DH and I have in the past really struggled, and now we're doing ok. People say the same to me. Yes, it is alright for us, because we live within our means, don't get into debt, make considered financial decisions and therefore don't live month to month. That apparently, makes it 'easier' for us than anyone else, and I am not allowed an opinion about anyone less fortunate than us. I don't brag, nor do I moan constantly about having no money, so people draw their own conclusions (usually over inflated ideas of what we earn). It drives me mad, because there is nothing you can say. Sometimes I explain that we both grew up on (what was then) rough council estates and started our adult lives with nothing. I also understand why you say you work hard for what you earn - there is an assumption that people on low wages work very hard, and that is true, but the perception that the more you earn the less you do, just isn't true.

habbibu · 30/12/2011 20:16

But you mentioned the hard yards on here, and you have got to see how bloody irritating that is, married. It's not always that simple. And yes, cool, you made good decisions for you and maybe your friends didn't at that time, but I do think that if you're not struggling then you can just damn well cope with a few irritating remarks.

Talking nonsense - there are a hell of a lot of long hours jobs - which we all need someone to do, ffs, which get paid fuck all. Good money depends on a lot of things, and right place right time as the op said is a big part of it. And talking about people changing jobs right now is just, well, noinsense.

pictish · 30/12/2011 20:18

Oh stop whining OP!

Plenty of folks 'work hard' and they are certainly not 'fortunate enough to live a nice lifestyle' ok?

If all you've got to worry about is people's perception that you have it easier than them (which you do) then be grateful and stop whinging about it.

I'd far rather be slightly judged about being wealthy than wonder where the next meal is coming from. Perspective, for goodness sake!

cakeismysaviour · 30/12/2011 20:18

You shouldn't be made to feel bad about earning good money, as you say, you earn it. However, I get the impression (perhaps wrongly) from your OP that you assume that those who earn less don't work as hard. Most other people probably do work as hard, or harder than you but earn less because their jobs are paid at a lower rate.

I'm not saying you have it easy, but you probably do have it easier than many others.

habbibu · 30/12/2011 20:18

But earning more cushions you from other stuff - like maybe cleaning your own house, or having to struggle for childcare, or having to live in a dangerous area. So in a sense you do do less, the more you earn, because your leisure time is just that. And I'm saying this as someone in the bloody luxurious position of not having to work atm.

HowAboutAHotCupOfShutTheHellUp · 30/12/2011 20:19

Tethersend discussing money in general is not vulgar Hmm

Discussing our income with friends who may be struggling financially is vulgar. And tactless.

Pantofino · 30/12/2011 20:21

I think if you "have it alright" no matter how hard to you worked for it, no matter how hard you had it before, the best thing is to keep schtumm on living frugally. Appreciate what you have, help where you can, shut up about the rest.

marriedinwhite · 30/12/2011 20:22

*worriedsilly" that is awful and that is not how DH and I treat friends. DH provides tradesmen we use with probono advice, I have supported many friends with professional advice during the last couple of years. We have also helped close friends who have been up against it in the last year by paying their son's last two terms of school fees and fund two instrument hires and tuition for three children at the dc's former primary school and have made the money available for that to happen for the next ten years and I am quite sure will renew it at the end of the 10 years.

reallytired · 30/12/2011 20:22

It is bad manners to discuss money or being "frugal" with friends. If you have a good income then being "frugal" is a game. If you are poor then living hand to mouth is not much fun. Jelously is a nasty emotion and can ruin friendships.

Not everyone is capable of getting qualifications. Some people how ever hard they work will never get a decent job because they were not born with the ablity. They are not lazy, they are just have less brains advantages in life. The dustman with profound dylexia should not be looked down on. I used to be able to learn well, but poor health and having kids messed up my career. Thankfully my health is improving and I believe in time I will be able to earn well again.

Sucess in life is also luck as well as hard work. Social moblity is getting tougher all the time. Also one piece of very bad luck can take away your hard earned lifestyle in a flash.

AliBellandthe40jingles · 30/12/2011 20:22

Never discuss money with your friends, never.

homealone1 · 30/12/2011 20:23

OP - can you give examples of some of the things that are said? In what way are they dismissing your opinions?

I happen to be in a well paid public sector job so everyone knows roughly the kind of money I would be on. And they make assumptions and think I can never struggle. The crux of it is all about DISPOSABLE income. You can be on a good salary but have a massive mortgage, family travel commitments which cost a lot and also only one income coming in. Add to that the hike in tax and NI...then the disposable may not be much different to someone in a lower wage.

I am personally shocked at how much some of my less well earning friends spend on their kids for christmas - approx £200 per child. The majority of my christmas shop came from poundstretcher!

Original poster
itsbrandybutterandtinseltime · 30/12/2011 20:24

I work shift work in a fairly unskilled job; if I was a single parent itd be nothing to bother over, but because DH does the same job it adds up to a decent amount.

We have struggled in the past; we were both brought up in abusive homes, with fuck all. We both made a decent enough living, but when we first got together we really struggled. We have only just finished recovering financially from it and getting on track. I'm not playing this 'I'm more hard up than you' game. What shall I do then, give up my job and throw myself on the mercy of the state?

And for the record, it was a conversation we walked into, but evidently weren't allowed an opinion of because we don't qualify.

OP posts:
tethersend · 30/12/2011 20:25

If there were a formula for financial security which everyone could follow, then society would crumble within a very short time.

Nobody is saying that those who are financially secure haven't worked hard for what they have; just that not everyone is able to do the same. In fact, a capitalist society depends on holding up the example of the financially successful hard worker as an incentive for those at the bottom to work hard; it just doesn't mention that it is necessary for 90% of them to remain at the bottom (still working hard) in order for society to function.

tethersend · 30/12/2011 20:26

"Tethersend discussing money in general is not vulgar Hmm"

I never said it was- just smiling at some other posters who think it is.

Sookeh · 30/12/2011 20:27

We hardly have any money and I think discussing incomes is vulgar.

habbibu · 30/12/2011 20:27

Who is asking you to give up your job? Seriously, it may have been a bit irritating, but don't you see that people are fed up right now with struggling, and because so many are, the feeling is pervasive? Just be thankful, and let it wash over you.

Original poster
itsbrandybutterandtinseltime · 30/12/2011 20:27

I am public sector btw; so it's not mega bucks. It just means with two of us in the same job; it ends up at a decent amount.

OP posts:
habbibu · 30/12/2011 20:28

Or "what pantofino said".

pictish · 30/12/2011 20:28

What shall I do then, give up my job and throw myself on the mercy of the state?

No....but you could not whine about people rightly assuming you don't particularly have to worry about being frugal. Which you don't.

It IS alright for you.

gottagetanewcalender · 30/12/2011 20:28

Married- i think, inadvertantly you have summed up the difference, most of the UK would not call "being up against it", not being able to afford school fees or musical instraments, poverty/lack of money is subjective.