Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Original poster

To not see the point in getting married...

240 replies

TongueTwister · 29/12/2011 20:27

Can you convince me? Been with oh 5 years, fully intend to stick with him. We have a gorgeous 2 year old and hoping for another this year. Anyone got any good reasons to get married?

OP posts:

marriedinwhite · 30/12/2011 11:21

Norksaremessy has set it out perfectly as far as I am concerned. Also agree with all the legal aspects. It's just so much easier.

Ephiny · 30/12/2011 11:22

Why do you want people to 'convince' you to get married? .

I would agree with what most other people have said - make sure you know where you and your partner stand legally, and what would change if you were married. Then you can make an informed decision either way.

Ephiny · 30/12/2011 11:24

Oh, and of course you don't have to have a big expensive party, or change your name. Unless you want to!

mayorquimby · 30/12/2011 11:26

the point for many (beyond the romance aspect) is that it offers certain protections and incentives which make life a bit easier.
There's a guy I play football with who sees no point in it as he doesn't want anyone to have a claim over his wealth/property.

Hullygully · 30/12/2011 11:27

Hello Cheerful too.

jasper · 30/12/2011 11:28

aftereights that is a sad situation but it is perfectly possible her wealthy partner was hedging his bets because he thought divorce was more likely than early death

marriedinwhite · 30/12/2011 11:29

mayorofquimby aside from my rather loving posts above when dh and I married I had far more capital than he but my attachment to tradition didn't stop me having a pre-nup!

exoticfruits · 30/12/2011 11:36

I find it really, really worrying to see so many people still believe the "common law" myth, and that cohabiting couples enjoy similar rights, or even the same rights, as married couples.

Perhaps Mumsnet should start a campaign to raise awareness?

I think that it would be a very good idea-so many people spout 'it is just a piece of paper' when they have no idea of the difference it makes.
If is very worrying when people think that you have to change your name on marriage-if they are wrong on such a small detail you wonder what sort of grasp they have on the bigger picture.

A good suggestion for MN team would be to have an online session with a solicitor to answer questions and clear up myths.

tabulahrasa · 30/12/2011 11:38

Ah you're all assuming there's something to inherit if someone dies though...

We've got a house in joint names and £4.23

lovechoc · 30/12/2011 11:41

got married very cheaply (reg office do) and for legal reasons. less complications when you are both married, IMO. It's all there on paper for all to see...

exoticfruits · 30/12/2011 11:45

You still need it sorted though tabulahrasa. My DH died before he was 30yrs so we didn't have much. I do however still get a widow's pension from his employer despite being married again-not something that would have happened without the 'piece of paper' and I'm sure that even if I got it to start with they would have wriggled out of 'for life' if I hadn't been a wife.

xyfactor · 30/12/2011 11:45

There's a lot of cynicism on this thread whatever happened to getting married for love?

shagmundfreud · 30/12/2011 11:46

Because you want the legal and financial protection that goes with getting married.

Because you want social and legal acknowledgement that you are a couple and that your relationship is more serious than that of the many, many thousands of couples who have been together as long as you but perhaps don't see their relationship as a permanent one, despite the fact that they have children together.

exoticfruits · 30/12/2011 11:48

The people are already together for love xyfactor-the question was 'why get married'-presumably OP didn't feel the need for love-she is happy as she is. I got married twice for love, I like being married -BUT-it isn't cynicism, people need to realise, especially if they have DCs.

Xmasbaby11 · 30/12/2011 11:50

A celebration to mark your relationship. We celebrate births, deaths, birthdays, etc so it is natural to celebrate your relationship if you intend it to be a permanent one.

You're legally a family rather than a cohabiting couple

Arguably, the rest of society views you slightly differently, as a committed and solid family unit. It is something you spend a lot of time deliberately considering and planning, rather than falling into or doing for convenience.

But if it means nothing to you, there is nothing you can hear that will change your mind

tabulahrasa · 30/12/2011 11:51

exoticfruits - he's a sole trader, with no assets at the moment and the business is completely worthless without him anyway, lol.

The only thing that ever bothers me is the next of kin thing, but not enough to get round to getting married

couldiBEwearinganymoreclothes · 30/12/2011 11:52

I work in pensions administration and we have lots of problems where unmarried couples have been together for years and think they will be entitled to pension benefits and only find out when their partner dies that they're not. Many pension schemes still only limit partner pensions to a legally married spouse. If you don't want to get married check what pension provision is available for your family in the event of your death.

LunarRose · 30/12/2011 11:52

Don't marry if you have more assets than him. If he walks he can claim off you. Incidentally you also can end up taking on any debts (including those just in his name) incurred during the time of the marriage.

If your not married you can protect yourself and any property in case of a split with a good lawyer. If you divorce everything is arranged retrospectively when things may have already got nasty.

Marriage does not offer good protection if you have to divorce, only if you stay together until death.

SecretSquirrels · 30/12/2011 11:53

Lived together 11 years married 18 years.
Didn't have a "wedding" and didn't change surname.
I am called Mrs Maidenname.
Even married couples should have a will, especially with children involved. You need to consider guardians at the very least.
Sorting out affairs even with a will is time consuming and complicated.

Pagwatch · 30/12/2011 11:53

Xyfactor

It isn't cynicism. It is responding to a question raised by someone who does not feel love=marriage.
If the question was 'why did you get married' the answers would have been very different.

The tone of the answers are shaped by the premis of the question

xyfactor · 30/12/2011 11:56

Pagwatch I believe that it is cynical if you marry for any other reason than love.
A couple of posts up a poster suggested not to marry if the OP had more money than her intended spouse...if that's not cynical than what is?

Pagwatch · 30/12/2011 12:01

We'll have to agree to disagree. I don't think many people chose to be together without love being at the fore of that decision. To then ensure that the practical aspects of your life together are settled and mutually beneficial is just sensible, especially when there are children involved.
I know several woman who didn't care of the practicalities of their relationship and the results were terrible for them and their children

xyfactor · 30/12/2011 12:04

I see where you are coming from Pagwatch and I agree to a point.
But making sure the "Wife and children" are ok sort of isolates the husband from the relationship.
But you're right it's complicated.

exoticfruits · 30/12/2011 12:04

That is particularly cynical xyfactor. I got married for love. I don't think that it matters so much on your own but once you have DCs you should be responsible and protect them. (e.g. DS1 got a pension and it payed for all his university education-up to the age of 25yrs if necessary-from being a baby).

I don't think that you DCs will appreciate being in financial need and you saying 'I thought it too cynical to sort out'!

Ephiny · 30/12/2011 12:10

I don't think it's cynical. A lot of the 'dressing' around marriage - exchanging rings, flowery vows and declarations of love in front of family and friends etc, is about love. You might choose to live together and commit to each other for life, change your name, start a family etc, because of love.

But the actual core legal contract of marriage is there for solid, practical, financial and legal reasons. Not 'love' as such.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Swipe left for the next trending thread