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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not see the point in getting married...

240 replies

TongueTwister · 29/12/2011 20:27

Can you convince me? Been with oh 5 years, fully intend to stick with him. We have a gorgeous 2 year old and hoping for another this year. Anyone got any good reasons to get married?

OP posts:
BlissfulMistletoe · 29/12/2011 20:38

If you have got to ask, then you are not ready

JustHecate · 29/12/2011 20:38

I thought that had changed now, and fathers automatically got parental responsibility as long as they were named on the birth certificate?

Original poster
TongueTwister · 29/12/2011 20:40

Neither of us have wills... Should we get one? What happens to our dx if we both die?

OP posts:
BoysBoysBoysAndMe · 29/12/2011 20:41

If you're both happy then leave it at that.

Like Bliss said, if you have to ask, you're not ready.

SantasCave · 29/12/2011 20:41

If you do not have legal steps in place any assets will pass to next of kin, likely to be parents or siblings, rather than you. There have been several high profile cases where people have lost their homes after their partner has died and the house has been registered in the deceased's name.

joanofarchitrave · 29/12/2011 20:42

[restrains self] yes you need wills. Tomorrow would be a good day to sort that out. And life insurance, if you can get it (dh is uninsurable which happens a fair bit).

Lonnie · 29/12/2011 20:49

If your happy as you are stay that way

If you wish to get married get married for YOUR reasons..

I had my own reasons for why I chose to get married I am not that insane I expect everyone else whom gets married does so for similar reasons to me.. What I do know is it HAS to be YOUR wish to be married.

For me I wanted to stand up and say those wows to my husband to let him and ALL of our friends and family know, to tell him that HE was the one I wanted to spend my life with HE is THAT important to me. And I wanted to let everyone know He meant THAT much to me. For me that was important and it was precious and it will be 16 years in February I still feel that was important to do. I am happy I did so it was an amazing day for us all and for me sharing that with our friends and family was special.

I still feel proud to say I am his wife and I am proud to say "my husband" to me personally that means something.

Work out for you if it means something to you then make your decision.

If you done see anything changing by it then you have your answer dont you?

GnomeDePlume · 29/12/2011 20:53

One of the things that marriage does is timeline a relationship. I have been married for 20 years though we were together before that. IMO it is the married time which society counts. What does 'been with OH for 5 years' mean? Is it 5 years since you first went out together, spent the night together, or moved in together? I'm not expecting you to answer this but just pointing out how vague the 'been together for XX years' statement is.

Apart from the protection that marriage gives you when in the relationship there is also protection if the relationship ends. If you divorce or legally separate then the relationship is over. As you have DCs there will be long term commitments but divorce draws a line under a relationship. If you are in this vague 'been together...' situation when does the relationship end? When you stop sharing a bed? If one of you moves out for a while? You see the problem is that one of you might think the relationship is over but the other disagrees. There is no such doubt with a marriage ending in divorce.

WhoKnowsWhereTheMistletoes · 29/12/2011 20:54

I didn't want a big fuss, did want to keep my independence, did want to keep my surname, but it was important to me to get married. I did want to make the commitment and I felt it was important to give the strongest possible family set-up for both us and the potential children. I would not have had children (planned anyway) before getting married. Luckily DH felt the same way.

ALthough we kept our own surnames and titles, I like the fact of being married, it makes us part of each other's families in a way we were not when we weren't married. It also shows the DCs (and the world) that we intend to stay together. I agree with what Joanofarchitrave says, gives you one more reason to work at it.

sonicrainboom · 29/12/2011 20:56

The only good reason to get married is if you really, really want to do it. Not because it's something you think you have to do.

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2011 20:58

If you are not married then you are not next of kin.
That could, in unfortunate circumstances, bring real problems.

EllenJaneisnotmyname · 29/12/2011 21:01

My very unexpected pending divorce has made me extremely thankful that I got married to the bastard! You never know...

IndianOcean · 29/12/2011 21:02

If you work / have your own income, and have your name on the mortgage, then possibly little benefit, and yes, he would have a claim on your assets as you would have on his if married.

However, if you are a sahm having given up your job to do childcare, living in a house he bought before you got together then you are very vulnerable in the event of a break up.

No need for anyone to change their name, married or otherwise.

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 29/12/2011 21:04

What independence? I'm never quite sure what that means. You live with him, you have kids together, you share a home. What independence is it that you think you have that you don't have by being married?

EllenJaneisnotmyname · 29/12/2011 21:04

That was me, SAHM, then school hours job, no pension for the past 14 years.

olgaga · 29/12/2011 21:05

If you really don't see the point in getting married, you should read this:

www.advicenow.org.uk/living-together/

Especially if you have children.

PosieParker · 29/12/2011 21:05

Money, property, inheritance, everything that you assume you already have but don't.

I married three days before the birth of my fourth child, the main reason was financial security and I wanted DP/H to have rights over both me and the child if anything went wrong(4th c section).

PosieParker · 29/12/2011 21:06

I have/have not changed my name dependent on the day. But I do wish I had given my children both our names as a surname, they have mine in their name.

Bess12 · 29/12/2011 21:24

"Un married men have literally no rights over their children if the family splits too."

This is not true. As long as the father is on the birth certificate.

Next of kin can be whoever you want it to be.

IndianOcean · 29/12/2011 21:30

"Un married men have literally no rights over their children if the family splits too."

Not true. There are so many factors that would affect that - birth certificate, having lived as a family, 'paternity' test...

marriedandwreathedinholly · 29/12/2011 21:40

I got married because I had fallen in love with dh and he asked me. We have been married for 21 years and it was one of the best decisions I have ever taken. It founded a long term commitment and we promised each other before God that we would be faithful forever, procreate children and comfort each other - and we have.

I may be old fashioned but in my day things were done in a certain order: engagement, marriage, children. The decision and the promises meant we were very certain of each other before having children and that gave them their best possible start.

exoticfruits · 29/12/2011 21:44

It is more than a piece of paper. I was widowed at a young age and would have been in a right mess without it. If you don't get married you need to see a solicitor and have things drawn up legally-this is especially true if your ILs don't like you.
I was doing my will a few weeks ago and I raised the fact that it wasn't 'just a piece of paper' and she was very clear that it wasn't. There are all sorts of odd things, for example although I have married again I get my first husband's inheritance tax allowance, in addition to my own.
Do not assume rights-you may not have them.

Nanny0gg · 29/12/2011 21:45

Next of kin can be whoever you want it to be.
Indeed.
As long as you make sure you declare it legally.

How many cohabiting couples have sorted it out?

exoticfruits · 29/12/2011 21:45

Sorry-my solicitor was very clear that marriage wasn't 'just a piece of paper'.

exoticfruits · 29/12/2011 21:47

Not many is my guess NannyOgg. It is very important, especially if you have accidents abroad and get involved with the foreign office and have DP's family ranged against you.