To not see the point in getting married...

[TongueTwister]

Can you convince me? Been with oh 5 years, fully intend to stick with him. We have a gorgeous 2 year old and hoping for another this year. Anyone got any good reasons to get married?

Zombie

Yes, it is very clear. ' Children of the intestate person will inherit if there is no surviving married or civil partner. If there is a surviving partner, they will inherit only if the estate is worth more than a certain amount' this is is the same advice guide that the pro-marraige people are quoting. see here

It does worry me how many people believe in the myth of cohabitee status.

re next of kin unless written legally otherwise your DP's next of kin are his parents if alive and his children

there is another thread somewhere in last few days, about someone whose Dp had surgery not life threatening in any way but her "MIL" hated her and does not consider her family so unless her DP nominates her as next of kin his mother would make decisions about how his money in event of something goging wrong was dispensed for care of GC

Legally a marriage is a bit of paper but a very important bit, just like my annual practising certificate from GDC 1 sheet of A4 but without it illegal to work etc

i think if you are not married and have children you need watertight wills with trustees and statements re health care etc because legally if the worst happens it is Dp parents that would decide if he donated organs for example not you, if you get on well with both sets of in -laws fine but you should still make sure you are named on his pension plan as partner and vice versa

people also assume even if married and die intestate their wife/husband gets everything they dont

they get all personal possesions and first I think £125,000 if children they get half of the rest and children share the other half etc,

to inherit you must be a blood descendant from one of the deseased grandparents ( great grandparents in scotland) otherwise crown gets the money

Another thought on the doing the paperwork via a solicitor rather than getting married:

• You have to remember to undo it all if the relationship breaks up
• You will be stuck on an endless treadmill of will writing as I believe that a will can only be superceded by another will first will leaves it all to DP you split up second will leaves it all to parents they die/split third will leaves it all to siblings you meet a new partner and on and on

Of course if you are married then automatically spouse inherits. If you divorce then intestacy laws apply. You remarry and your new spouse inherits.

It's just a lot easier and requires fewer visits to the solicitor.

Dont get married if you dont want to but dont then whinge later. Make your bed (marital or cohabiting) and lie in it.

Marriage isn't just a piece of paper and I love being married.
My significant other thinks likewise.

Depends on how you feel.

I wanted to be married. I'd had boyfriends, etc, and I wanted DH to be different. I wanted him to be The One, iykwim.

But that's just me. If you're happy as you are and would rather just sign the paperwork, go for it. :)

To me it is just a piece of paper and legal benefits too. I think maybe one day I'll be excited at the prospect. Just hate the idea of a wedding...
Plus I like my surname!

a wedding is not a marriage - you can have a marriage without a 'wedding'. changing your name is not compulsary, many women see no reason to change their name on marriage.

the choice to get married is totally up to you but not wanting a wedding or to change your name are non-reasons. the legal benefits are another matter.

I felt the same as you but after thinking long and hard after then DP was unexpectedly admitted to hospital with heart problems and consulting threads on here we got married one and a half years ago when I was expecting DD3. Registry office, two unknown witnesses. Haven't changed my name, haven't told anyone! I would say it hasn't made a jot of difference to our day to day relationship - we'd been together for 17 years - BUT I do feel more secure when I think about the "what if" scenarios.

People muddle a marriage with a wedding. My DH's nephew got married, they went to a registry office on a Monday morning and found two witnesses and both went back to work. They told their families about 2 weeks later and took them out for a meal. His DW didn't change her name. (they needn't even have done the meal). They had lived together for a number of years-they just realised it was advantageous to have the 'piece of paper'.
I have a friend's DD who did the same. They took 2 friends and their baby, went to the registry office and a nice lunch afterwards. She bought some new jeans for the occasion. She didn't change her name.

I think that it is rather like travel insurance, you take it out before a trip and never read all the small print, so that when the worst happens you discover that you are not covered.
Many people co habit, thinking that they are secure, it isn't until something goes wrong that they discover that it doesn't cover their particular circumstance or that they had the wrong advice to start with.

Reading MN you realise that many people have difficult relationships with DP's family. If you are married there is nothing they can do, you don't even have to maintain contact but if you are not married they can fight you all the way, and as blood relatives, stand a good chance of winning. If you are not married you at least need to be on very good terms and be sure they would be supporting you.

Not trawled through the whole thread but if you don't intend to get married please make sure you both make wills. Also if your partner has a pension or life insurance then make sure he nominates you as the beneficiary in the event if his death. Before I got married my husband to be had his next of Kin (his dad) as nominated beneficiary of his very large lump sum on his life insurance. I know for a fact if something had happened to dh I'd not have seen a penny of that. Same goes for his pension. I was also bothered that before we married dh moved into the house I owned and I put his name on the mortgage but not on the deeds. I made sure that in my will it stated that everything he owned went to me and vice versa. My biggest concern at the time was if anything happened to him that his family would try and claim half the house. I know it's a horrible thing to think would happen but it does unfortunately. My FIL had made some pretty nasty comments when we bought a dog that he hoped I'd paid half for it so I didn't trust his family at the time. Hope that makes sense. Oh the romance of it all!!!

I agree with exoticfruits. If you don't want the "piece of paper" then at least make sure you look into where you stand legally if the shit were to hit the fan. Then you'll at least have peace of mind. I work for divorce lawyers and see some messy break ups involving people who have lived together for years but not married, especially if no kids involved and one party owns the house.

OP - imagine the worst happens and your DP was hit by a car tomorrow. Do you own your home? Even if you are on the deeds and own half, who would get the other half? Could you afford to buy them out? Can you imagine greiving for him and packing up the house to move? If you rent, is your name on the tenancy? (I only rented with DH before married in flats I could afford by myself so I've no idea where you stand if your partner dies and you can't afford the rent on your own, I assume you get given notice and have to leave.)

Sod all of that, if he died tomorrow, even if you got the house, where do you stand on access to money in bank accounts in his name, including joint accounts? If that got frozen until it was sorted out, that could be a couple of months, where would you stand on paying the gas bill now? Would you be even allowed to talkto the utilities companies on behalf of his 'estate'? (I don't know this, you'll need to take legal advice, but this is the sort of question a 'partner' rather than 'wife' needs to ask)

If you're not the next of kin, his body wouldn't be released to you. You don't get to organise the funeral and don't automatically get an invite.

Now flip it all around, and imagine it's him dealing with losing you and having no right over anything. Just seems cruel to leave him in that shitty situation without trying to do everything you can to make it easier - even if you don't get married, you should get all those bits of paper in place. Only kind thing to do if you do love the man.

I'm at sahm now but pre-dcs I was a family solicitor. A woman came to see me whose wealthy dp had died leaving her with 2 young children. He had made a will leaving everything to her however because they weren't married 40% had to be paid in inheritance tax that was just over £350,000! She said it was like putting money in a corner & burning it. That money could have been used for their children, I vowed I would never be in that position.
What if you have to sell family home?
What if his family hate you?

It is a lot cheaper to pop down to the registry office and get a 'piece of paper' than to go to a solicitor and get it all drawn up and then still be worrying that something might have been missed.
If he has been married before and has DCs from that marriage you need to be very careful.

Also if you become a SAHP you are much better protected if it goes tits up. Ie alimony

oh, and if we are talking life insurance policies, make sure you have one to pay to him too. A lot of people think only in terms of replacing the wage of the major earner when it comes to insurance, but without thinking that if the mother does the bulk of the childcare, even if your DP can cope without your income, could he cope without your income and having to pay addtional childcare costs.

My life is insured to pay enough to cover the mortgage, but then DH would have to hire a nanny so would be able to use the mortgage money each month for that.

I am having trouble understanding why people would NOT want to get married.

I understand not wanting a big wedding.
I understand not wanting a fuss.
I understand that it is possible in a convoluted way to confer most (not all) of the benefits of being married
I understand not wanting to change your name

But I don't understand why two people living together with a child would not want to tie up that loose end.
What is so WRONG with being married?

Chandon if you are not married a SAHP is not entitled to any alimony. The only financial obligation is to the children, not the ex-partner.

My daughter got married last summer (after living together for 2 years) and I can see a big difference in DD and SIL, they are more relaxed, seem happier and have talked about when they will start a family and just seem more content. Also more at ease with inlaws.

Well, there are obviously going to be many different views on this, but like BastedTurkey I find it really, really worrying to see so many people still believe the "common law" myth, and that cohabiting couples enjoy similar rights, or even the same rights, as married couples.

Perhaps Mumsnet should start a campaign to raise awareness?

I cannot understand why people would be opposed to marriage on the basis that "it's too expensive" or "it's just a piece of paper", when they would be happy to go to a solicitor and pay thousands of pounds to get several pieces of paper which don't come close to conferring the same rights as marriage does.

Marriage is cheaper, easier, and gives women with children more security. That's the case because people have actively campaigned for years for it to be that way.

Everytime this subject comes up I am staggered at how many people spout 'it's just a piece of paper" when they have made absoloutely no attempt whatsoever to check out what their legal and financial position is.

People who have children and yet talk about common law marriage make me want to weep.

Marry or don't. No one gives a shit really. But ensure you are all legally covered.

I don't care, just wanted to say hi to Paggy

Ooooh, hello!

Hully, you trollop you.