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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not see the point in getting married...

240 replies

TongueTwister · 29/12/2011 20:27

Can you convince me? Been with oh 5 years, fully intend to stick with him. We have a gorgeous 2 year old and hoping for another this year. Anyone got any good reasons to get married?

OP posts:
FlangelinaBallerina · 30/12/2011 20:38

There are also a couple of advantages that marriage bestows that you can't get by signing a different piece of paper. I'm thinking of inheritance tax and immigration.

In terms of IHT, one spouse can transfer any unused allowance that they have to the other spouse. Cohabitees can't do that, at all. It's not like with next of kin where you can make alternative legal provision. And in immigration, it's just so much easier to get a visa as a spouse than an unmarried partner. If you're an unmarried partner, you have to evidence cohabitation, ideally with lots of post from official sources. That's a ballache, in a way that showing your marriage certificate isn't. In an EU law context, an EEA national who is working has the automatic right to have their spouse with them in another member state, all you need is the piece of paper, but it's more complex with unmarried partners. I don't know so much about immigration law in countries other than the UK, but I know there are some places where you can't accompany your partner unless you're married.

These things are not relevant to everyone- they don't affect me, for example. But they do affect a lot of people, so anyone in a serious unmarried relationship should give them some thought.

GnomeDePlume · 30/12/2011 21:16

Another good reason. You need to pick and choose where you holiday. Places like Dubai have strict laws banning sex outside of marriage. Of course most of the time it is fine, until the day it isnt.

Many countries have strict moral codes. Most of the time having breached that code wont matter until you get into some sort of trouble.

At the moment you seem to see it as being in your interest to remain unmarried as you have different financial attitudes (so perhaps not quite as commited as you claim). What happens when that changes and the balance swings? A marriage is a commitment until it ends. If you are cohabiting then one partner can change their will and not tell the other.

Dont forget, you do actually have to go to the solicitor not just intend to.

molly3478 · 30/12/2011 21:21

I love being married to my husband personally. I am very glad my parents are married, and wouldnt have wanted them to just live together as to me we wouldnt have been a proper family, but again that comes from a persons upbringing and beliefs. I would also be disapointed if my children have children without getting married first.

Also its easy to make it cheap, no need for limelight or anything else if you dont want it

exoticfruits · 30/12/2011 21:22

Thanks TongueTwister-it was a long time ago, I only labour the point because people come on, without reading', wittering on about 'women being possessions', 'staying with a partner through love and not legal nicety' and not having possessions, or not wanting to marry a poor person and they are missing the point entirely-it is more to do with death, critical injury, problems abroad etc.and it ilso to do with protecting your DCs.
Not getting married is fine, as long as you make sure that you are covered for these eventualities and that DPs blood relations will be with you, and not fighting you.

cerealqueen · 30/12/2011 21:24

Wills and legal stuff and inheiritance thresholds and tax? I don't actually know, we are not married either but in the back of my head i think these are issues we need to think about to get married.

exoticfruits · 30/12/2011 21:30

Perhaps the CAB is one of the clearest sites see here

allagory · 30/12/2011 21:34

If your parents (and his) are still around, you could see it as a bit of a gift for them too. It's an occasion they can look back at all the hard work they put in bringing you up and think they did a good job and you've turned out OK.

Sunshine401 · 30/12/2011 22:07

OMG!!
It really is a good job im not with my family for all the money i could pull ot of them :)

You wanna be married be married
If not then dont :)

Sunshine401 · 30/12/2011 22:08

I am all for advice and that but it is getting to the point on here that people are slating others for not doing stuff their way (No need people)

exoticfruits · 30/12/2011 22:22

I don't think that anyone is slating someone for not getting married-they are advising them to study the options. OP asked for reasons-she now has a lot but it is up to her whether she thinks it worth it, or whether she seeks a solicitor if she doesn't.
It is important that people understand that it is not 'just a piece of paper'. It would be a good area for MN to get involved with advice.

fireflymouse · 30/12/2011 23:17

ok so say now we dont own our home and there wouldn't be significant sums of money if something were to happen to one of us....is life insurance a good idea? I dont mean to be morbid but atleast if the worst happened ONE of us would be well off! How much would this set us back?

SantasCave · 31/12/2011 00:04

Life insurance is dependent on the age you are when you take it out and what you want the payout to be. You can have a fixed sum payout or one that decreases in line with your mortgage year on year.

To give you an idea, DH and I got a quote for life insurance about 6 months ago and for a £350,000 payout it would cost us (aged 30 & 36) about £40 per month.

Original poster
TongueTwister · 31/12/2011 00:16

gnome it's hilarious that you question my our commitment...if we were married, I suppose you'd think we were more committed? The word tripe springs to mind. Point is no one knows what the future holds you can only prepare as best you can. I really don't understand the comments about not being a proper family... Being a family isn't about marriage.

OP posts:
molly3478 · 31/12/2011 00:25

I think it depends on how you look at marriage. You see it as why get married but I see it as you love each other and want to be together forever why wouldnt you?

geekette · 31/12/2011 01:48

my two cents as i couldn't read all the other posts:
I think the bottom line is people are greedy and will look for any reason to kick you out and get the money of the dead.

Inlaws typically would brand you as not being part of the family and pull out all the stops to make sure they are recognised as his only existing family and you are not, even if you are the mother of his children. except of course if all they leave behind is debt, you can happily take care of that.

this shows there is a problem with the definition of marriage and family rather than being a reason to be married.

For those claiming marriage gives you some automatic rights, you'd better make sure you partners don't have other little papers of their own... he could have drawn it up and forgotten or not wanted to change it after you married.

Seriously people, always make sure you can stand on your own two feet!

Being married is really up to you.
It is a couple, telling their community that they have future plans. If you want to share this message with your entourage, go for it. If not, make sure you know where you stand legally i.e. make arrangements for the worst.

I enjoyed my wedding, it was simple fun and I had all my loved ones under the same roof. that may never happen again so we were glad to have the opportunity to share a day with all of them. In the relationship between me and dp, nothing changed but others have changed their stance towards us...

OriginalJamie · 31/12/2011 06:41

Tongue Twister. The only thing that struck me about your OP was that you referred to yourself as "independent". That struck me a bit

a)can married couples not be independent? Do you fear things would change if you married?
b)you are pretty inextricably linked now you have a child, so not completely "independent"

OriginalJamie · 31/12/2011 06:45

actually, not your OP but an early post

Whatmeworry · 31/12/2011 07:02

OP I think if you have more assets and DP is spendthrift then that is marriage's " worst case" scenario, you're probably better off sorting the other legals out.

Marriage today justvties up a bunch of laws to simplify managing joint assets and kids, and aims to protecti the non-earning party economically while children are being raised.

Reading this thread it does seem to me that a non marriage " package" of legal agreements should be an off the shelf option - any entrepreneurial solicitors out there?

Aftereightsaremine · 31/12/2011 07:06

I agree about being careful where you holiday, a couple I know were on holiday in Dubai & got into serious trouble for holding hands on the beach. Apparently if they had been married it wouldn't have been so bad!

joanofarchitrave · 31/12/2011 08:20

geekette, a lot of little papers are automatically superseded by marriage... wills, for example, unless completed 'in expectation of marriage'. Marriage trumps nearly everything, legally.

You could say that people who get married are lazy... it's the cohabiting couples who get all the legal stuff sorted separately who are the really committed ones. DH and I got everything sorted long before we were married; marriage gives automatic rights but not necessarily exactly what you want - so wills etc still matter.

I know lots of highly committed non-married families. i assume they've had the sense to do the legal stuff but naturally I don't pry... only on here! I'm depressed at the poster who thinks the legal stuff is only if you ARE getting married - now that makes marriage seem unattractive! Marriage, you could say, is for people who can't be bothered to see a lawyer... if you're living together, you need to be practical.

My life insurance costs just under £9 a month for £50K coverage but I was quite old when I got it - I've seen quotes at around £5 a month. My dh is unable to work at the moment - I don't want him trying to bring up ds on child benefit and ds's paper round wages.

Original poster
TongueTwister · 31/12/2011 08:20

Just to clarify, he earns and spends his own money and does contribute a substantial amount, however, I could survive with ds without his contribution. I was brought up to be independent and never rely on others for money or stability. I'm not stupid enough to believe that is being together when we retire is the only possible outcome... Death and taxes are the only certainties...

Anyway thanks everyone for your advice. By the way I wasn't asking for an analysis of my relationship and commitment, just of the pros and cons of marriage. :)

OP posts:
ithaka · 31/12/2011 08:28

I didn't enter marriage for any pratical reasons, just because I was (fairly) young and wildly in love. I am a lot older, but still in love. For the record, I would never marry for any reason except I wanted to. Before I met my husband I had no desire to marry and if we hadn't got together, I may still be single. Love can be a thunderbolt that makes you want to say those vows - corny, but in my case true.

OriginalJamie · 31/12/2011 08:31

TT - but surely you knew you'd get that ? Wink

Despite what we've been talking about, marriage is an emotional and psychological issue

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 31/12/2011 10:05

Yes, even when married you still need wills especially if there are DCs around (what would happen if you both died, also you may be worth more than you think, I was once I'd taken into account pensions and life assurance), you still need to ensure your pensions/life assurance are directed to your spouse / children as beneficiaries etc.

molly3478 · 31/12/2011 10:07

I agree with ithaka. Thats how me and DH were to.

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