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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not see the point in getting married...

240 replies

TongueTwister · 29/12/2011 20:27

Can you convince me? Been with oh 5 years, fully intend to stick with him. We have a gorgeous 2 year old and hoping for another this year. Anyone got any good reasons to get married?

OP posts:
xyfactor · 30/12/2011 12:22

Maybe it's just the way I was brought up?
But judging by the posts so far in the main some people wouldn't marry anyone poor.
Which is a real eye opener because I know a lot of poor married people.

LunarRose · 30/12/2011 12:25

I wear my well earned (and very expensive) cynicism with pride!!!!

Grin
bakingaddict · 30/12/2011 12:26

I agree with many of the posts here that marriage has numerous legal and financial benefits that outweigh not being married, especially if you have children together.

However I just want to say that making a will is very inexpensive if your main asset is just your home, as I assume it is for a lot of people. There are numerous draft wills on the internet you can download and then you just have to take it to a solicitors' firm where they charge a nominal fee for 'witnessing it'. Obviously if you have a lot of wealth, i'm taking multi-millions then proper legal advice and will drafting might be more prudent

xyfactor · 30/12/2011 12:29

Maybe it's because i'm poor and we have nothing to share that gives me my view on this,
Kids have grown up.

LunarRose · 30/12/2011 12:36

xyfactor - in all honesty I wouldn't marry anyone again (rich or poor). Doesn't really mean that much to me now and I think most of the financial/ legal benefits can be better sorted by a good lawyer. Certainly the remaining benefits for me don't outweigh the problems.

Kaekae · 30/12/2011 12:37

I've been with my OH for 13 years and we're unmarried, engaged for five. I would like to get married, for my children really. They think we share the same surname (DS1 4 and DD1, 2). I would like to share the same name as them. We've never had the money for a wedding, we bought a house renovated it sold it, had children bought another house renovated that and it's always eaten up any money we'd put towards even a small wedding abroad, which is all we want. Every year we say we're going to get married but don't. I wasn't bothered about it all until I had my children.

Journey · 30/12/2011 12:37

Why do you need convincing? It sounds to me like you desperately want to be married but want people to put it down to make you feel better.

xyfactor · 30/12/2011 12:40

Kaekae my wedding cost £120 admittedly it was 30 years ago :)

exoticfruits · 30/12/2011 12:56

You don't need much money for a wedding, a weekday at a registry office doesn't cost much and get some drinks and a few nibbles at home. (it would cost you less than a family day out at somewhere like Alton Towers)

icycoldrinse · 30/12/2011 13:00

DH wanted us to get married even though I was much, much poorer than he was - I went from claiming HB for my rented council flat to effectively having a claim on his house and income. I think it's partly because he is more of a soppy romantic than me, and also because it's what he's grown up to expect as part of his life path (both of us have families where almost all the adults are married and divorce is rare).

I have to admit I was quite blase about it all myself - it's what my parents wanted for me but I found all the wedding planning quite tiresome and I would have been satisfied with a plain registry office ceremony. If there were no longer any legal/financial advantages to getting married, I'm not sure I would have cared enough about getting married for love to go through all the trouble of a ceremony.

Whatmeworry · 30/12/2011 13:04

I can never understand why one would not want to be married to the person you presumably want to spend life with/ have kids with etc - the legals alone make it a no brainer.

motherinferior · 30/12/2011 13:05

I quite fancy a wedding. Nice dress, booze, lots of fuss about Me Me Me....it's the being married I don't really like the idea of.

Whatmeworry · 30/12/2011 13:08

Caveat is if you are far wealthier, that needs far more careful thought.

BastedTurkey · 30/12/2011 13:12

From direct.gov

How much does it cost to get married or form a civil partnership?
What you need to do Cost
Give notice before registering a marriage or civil partnership £33.50
Register a marriage or civil partnership at a register office £40.00

£73.50, you don't need to buy rings, flowers, meringue dress, feed the five thousand or even change your name

fireflymouse · 30/12/2011 13:33

can someone just clarify why it matters if dp was married before with children? Would I not be entitled to anything as we not married or just a share for our child? surely it wouldn't go the exw? Not that we have much anyway but thats not the point....

LunarRose · 30/12/2011 13:39

You know what makes me sad is seeing this thread where everyone is telling the OP their better off and protecting their and their children's family by getting married and seeing the other AIBU where the poor woman (and her family) has undoubtedly married for love and now is utterly stitched up because of credit cards and being married.

Go tell the women on there that they are better off because they are married. they are not. Marriage is a gamble financially, nothing more.

Marry for love by all means. don't marry for financial security because it is little more that an urban myth

SantasCave · 30/12/2011 13:40

firefly if you are not married then your DPs estate (presuming he has no will) will be divided equally between the children and you will get nothing.

sashh · 30/12/2011 13:40

Have you got wolls / legal documents stating what happens if one of you dies / is in a coma / serious illness / wins the lottery.

Marriage means your OH gets a certain amount on your death or vice versa.

Car insurance - it's often lower if you are married.

Lilymaid · 30/12/2011 13:41

Fireflymouse - if your partner dies without making a will the whole estate will pass to the children of the deceased in equal shares.

exoticfruits · 30/12/2011 13:44

That is where you need a solicitor fireflymouse to find out.
I think that it is a little more than an urban myth LunarRose-have you gone into it all? Do you know where you would stand if DP was unconscious in hospital, unable to know what was going on, with a mother who didn't like you?

Whatmeworry · 30/12/2011 13:46

the other AIBU where the poor woman (and her family) has undoubtedly married for love and now is utterly stitched up because of credit cards and being married

Didn't see that, sounds odd though.

exoticfruits · 30/12/2011 13:48

Which other thread and what have credit cards go to do with it?

Ephiny · 30/12/2011 13:48

I haven't seen that thread, but I guess it can work both ways - you have the benefit of your partner's assets etc, but also the risk of their debts and liabilities.

SantasCave · 30/12/2011 13:49

On the other thread a woman has just found out that her husband has racked up debt on credit cards without her knowledge. I'm guessing the intimation is that the debt is "theirs" rather than "his" because they are married.

LunarRose · 30/12/2011 13:51

exotic fruits - yes I have first hand.

I've been on the receiving end of a very difficult expensive divorce that wouldn't have cost me my house, car etc. if it hadn't gone into the marriage fairly well off or it been any worse, I would have been bankrupt. I wouldn't have been responsible for any of it if I hadn't married the git.

Sorted out properly beforehand your scenario poses no issues at all