to not want disabled BIL to live with us

[sonotready]

I feel like a total shit and am well prepared to be flamed, prob. deserve it :(

BIL is disabled - birth accident left him brain damaged, with learning/mental issues rather than physical ones. He is a nice guy (mid 30s now), who doesn't know he's disabled iyswim.

DH grew up knowing he would always need to look after his brother (MIL a single mum), and over the years we have hd 4am mercy dashes to police stations (when BIL feels threatened he lashes out and he'd been cornered by another service user at a drop-in centre), had to cope with BIL's 'friends' selling all his things and dealing drugs out of his flat and all sorts. Eventually BIL was persuaded to move back in with MIL (because she 'needed help' not because he needed someone to keep an eye), and he rubs along okay looking after the pets and doing garden work. MIL works away. They live five hours from us.

When DH and I got together I was late teens and while I did know on some level that one day BIL's care would fall to us I didn't fully appreciate what it would mean. BIL 'seems fine' and I was very young and MIL was far from old or frail.

We've been over for the festive season and MIL has raised the possibility of BIL coming to stay with us for a while as she needs a break. DH feels strongly we must do this, and I sort of agree, but I will be the one looking out for him all the time as DH works and I'm a SAHM. MIL is making out that it will be free babysitting for the DCs but given how BIL reacts to unpredictable things happening that's just not going to happen until the DCs are a lot lot older - he's fine playing XBOX with them and they love that, but DH vividly remembers BIL setting fire to the grillpan accidentally and then panicking and disabling the smoke alarm so he didn't get in trouble and running out of the house leaving DH and MIL asleep upstairs... so I just couldn't leave him in charge of young children.

DH's already had a massive go at me for letting BIL use his laptop (apparently it was 'obvious' that he'd be downloading porn and other dodgy things), and my mobile (he said he wanted to play angry birds and has run up £££ of charges to sex lines - MIL said I was stupid to give it to him but nobody has ever told me he has form for that before!)

MIL is dropping hints that we should bring BIL home with us when we go back - I really really don't want to, not without a lot more preparation and a lot more understanding of what it is going to involve.

I've asked about official respite (total no go apparently for lots of reasons, also MIL doesn't want someone to 'look after' BIL she wants him to do a 'normal thing like visiting his brother, he's always asking why you don't have him to stay').

DH thinks IABU - what do you think?

Another lurker, without anything particularly constructive to add, but wishing you and your family a good outcome to all of this.

Wow. What a tangent this thread has taken. I am in awe of you. I also thought you sounded familiar as the poster whose BIL was recently discovered to have FAS and not brain damage at the MIL had always claimed, but I assume that isn't the case. MIL sounds unhinged anyway - how can someone be so concerned for her son that she doesn't want him to know he has special needs, but at the same time have so little concern for him that she can run off and leave him alone and confused for an indefinite period?

Glad to hear BIL is coping well and your DH sounds like he is being really strong in an impossible situation too. I hope MIL stays away long enough for you to make some progress with BILs care.

Best of luck, you're doing a brilliant job.

Somewhere up above you mentioned the possibility of seeing whether your BIL's trust money could be used to cover MIL's mortgage. Would MIL not have a monthly direct debit set up to pay this out of her account? Anyway, assuming that the deeds and mortgage are in MIL's name and not BIL's, I am wondering about whether it is really right to spend his trust money on paying off MIL's assets which are not in his name? The situation is compliated and I appreciate that a reasonable rate of rent could be deemed an approproate expense, and I appreciate that BIL needs a roof over his head, so I don't really know what the answer is.

I would guess that your MIL is intending to stay away for "a few weeks" as that is what she originally suggested he come to stay with you for.

sonotready just wanted to again add my support and say that I think you've dealt with this dreadful situation with admirable strength and composure.

I know it would be really far from ideal, but since worry about work is causing your DH so much stress, would it be possible for you to take his place (with the DCs) at MIL's house to allow him to go back to work? (I'm assuming, in suggesting this, that you are a SAHP, sorry if I got that wrong). I know that doing so would bring up all your concerns about DBIL with your children, and that DC1 would miss school, but that would alleviate your DH's stress about work, and also allow you to deal with the toxic friend/services etc in a more hard-nosed way than your DH is maybe capable of doing at the moment? I realise that you wouldn't have the authority that DH does in dealing with services (as you're not next of kin, which presumably DH is in MIL's absence), but maybe he could make calls from work?

Probably not workable, but just a thought.

Anyway I really hope that this awful situation is a catalyst for getting DBIL into the system and the help he needs (and the help that MIL needs too, come to that).

It's so amazing to log back in and have these messages of support. It makes such a difference and thankyou all so much.

Crabby that is an interesting idea. I wouldn't have many concerns about BIL being around the DCs - DC1 needs to go to school really but it would probably be possible to find someone to take them afterwards or put them in after-school club for a week or so, that's a good idea. My main concern is BIL not really 'knowing' me - not usually a problem but he might be feeling unsettled - and also I can't drive which in the rural area BIL and MIL lives is pretty restricting - I'd need to get taxis to take BIL anywhere which, again, possible in the short term. So thankyou for that idea, it's a good one.

ceebie we were just worrying about what if MIL stops paying and what would happen to BIL then. I don't think it would be possible/legal for the trust to take over payments but it was just one of the things we were stressing about. I should think MIL does pay by DD. The property is in huge negative equity though, one of the things which is a longterm concern of mine outside of this situation, not sure if that makes a difference.

MIL's friend is really pissing me off today. Lots of sanctimonious stuff. MIL's friend is a longterm friend and very close to MIL but doesn't really know BIL and his needs at all - hasn't been around him much since he was a child what with the residential school and then the move to the country (they live in the city MIL works).

DH sounded more positive today. BIL's been out with a neighbour for the past couple of days and seems to have enjoyed it, and DH has been able to get some proper work done.

if mil works, and is planning to be away for a holiday/a few weeks she must have arranged as such with work. Have you asked them how long she has booked to be out for? WOuld this not be a clue as to when to expect her back.

As for sanctimonious friend - how can they really be so supporting of her when she's dumped ds who cannot cope on his own, without any help organised? I think 1 firm conversation is all that's needed?

Good luck. SO am I right, thread so long. Your dh is in mil home with bil and you at your home 5 hours away with dc?

You and your dh are doing very dealing with this.

MIL's friend, I would be having a stern conversation with her making a few key points such as:

• examples of why BIL cannot live alone (e.g. cooking fires, people taking advantage, breaking the law, PORN and overspending).

• I would be making the point that if your DH's employers become less understanding he could lose his job and then your family will be in dire straights (not sure how true this is but I'd be saying it regardless).

• I would be explaining how much harder the situation is given MIL's complete denial of her son's needs, so much so that he himself has had the fact he has disabilities/learning difficulties hidden from him and that also because of this he is not on the radar of any of the agencies that could help him.

• I would point out BIL has told you and MIL that he does NOT want to move into your home, and that he would be unable to for practical reasons.

Regardless of the build up/pressure on her she has put you all in a very difficult position with no easy solution.
Has your DH heard back from SS or the GP?
Ernest makes a good point about MIL's employers, they may be able to let you know how much time she has booked off and if they have heard from her. They may not feel able to tell you though but it's worth a try!

Going back to MIL's obvious mistrust of all the agencies/authorities (I recall you saying she has brought your DH up with a mistrust of the police?, and has never wanted support from SS). Do you know WHY this is? I'm just wondering really, as it may help you if you were to understand why she feels this way.

No direct contact still then? I have some sympathy for MIL, but it's reducing the more time passes and you hear nothing.

I think that her actions mean that when she does return she has forfeitted her right to have "the final say" in BIL's life and care.

BIL is still MIL's son and will remain so. Either somebody has sympathy for MIL or they don't, it's not a question of degrees. I'm surprised that more women don't buckle under the pressure some are under.

When I read about the lives some carers lead I'm amazed and impressed by their dedication under the most difficult of circumstances. Therefore when I read about those who finally crumble I don't usually judge .... I've read about dependents being left at the GPs or at a hospital for example because the carer simply doesn't have any mental or physical energy left. I usually tend to think that they've been fantastic for far far longer than many people could be.

However, in this case, the MIL has gone about it in a cold and calculated way (seemingly) knowing (surely she must have known) that she was dumping on her other son and his family, and I find that pretty hard to justify .... especially when you look at the history of denial and rejection of any suggestions which might have helped ease things for her and improve BIL's quality of life. It even crossed my mind whether her denial and determination to pretend everything was "normal" might perhaps be for "selfish" reasons as in she felt "ashamed" to admit that BIL had learning difficulties ? You know .... had she gone away and then suddenly and unexpectedly called up sobbing saying she'd reached the end of her tether I'd have more sympathy .... ditto if she'd then been signed off work for stress etc., because that scenario wouldn't have been premeditated. But here - you have her asking OP to take in BIL, then when they refuse (but certainly don't wash their hands of situation - DP going to stay, help offered and so on) she goes ahead anyway as if they'd agreed, thus utterly forcing OP and her DH's hand.

It'd seem so far that she's refusing (??) to speak directly to DH so knows damn well she's being unreasonable and underhand. Also sounds perhaps as if MIL's friend has been primed, and not in a good way. She's shown NO regard for DH's job - does she not have any idea how serious things could get for him, and therefore the family, if he literally can't commit properly to his work ? Sorry if this makes me sound harsh but all my sympathy is for OP, her husband, and for BIL too of course who's caught in the middle. On the basis of all we've been told this woman does have quite a bit of family and neighbourly support and whilst I can see that the restrictions BIL brings must make her feel trapped it does NOT excuse what she's done. She's been offered help of one sort or another time and time again only to reject it for whatever reason ... seems to me she decided to force the issue regardless of how it would affect anyone else.

I think that MIL has carried a burden for many years. She has almost lived a life of secrecy if she has been denying to all and sundry that BIL has issues while she has looked after him. I DO have sympathy for that position and I can't imagine how stressful that was for her. I'm not surprised she has had enough now.

She has definitely dealt with the current situation badly, and I cannot condone that behaviour. But I can sympathize with the feelings that probably led her to this, iyswim.

I was wondering though if her not telling BIL he has issues was due to a desire to not place a label on him? I have a DS with learning issues, he's currently 9, and so far I have not really broached the subject head on with him. He knows he gets extra help at school and that he isn't expected to achieve the same standards as the other kids in his class. Or, actually, on reflection, I'm not sure if he realizes this or not. He has accommodations and modifications in place at school but I'm not sure if he realizes that he does. Hmm. But I haven't said anything to him, because I don't want him to think that he is somehow less than the other kids in the class. I wonder if MIL had similar thoughts and that life just continued on and that was the way it was, and she never had a reason to say anything to BIL? It's one thing if BIL said directly to her 'why don't I have a family of my own like other men my age' and MIL didn't say anything, but different if they are just humming along living life and BIL has no reason to question things.

Just another lurker stopping by to wish you strength and success in getting a good outcome, OP. I have huge respect for you.

Popping on quickly before school run.

MIL is self-employed, she has her own business. She does work with people sometimes when submitting tenders, and we've contacted a couple of them,

MIL has a shame thing going on. She has always said that if BIL knew he was disabled (and why), he would hate her. From a conversation I had with BIL last year I believe he thinks he's stayed with MIL to help look after the house and pets.

He sat and passed two qualifications (vocational ones), at the residential school. He has said in the past that maybe his results weren't good enough to go to university. But he has also said that he didn't get the chance to sit 'proper exams' (GCSEs), because of all the morons.

When DH and I were first together (BIL was still at the residential school, and then went on a course), and before I fully understood his limitations and the conspiracy of silence about them, I was told off for "asking questions which might upset BIL". So I don't know very much. DH and I have talked more about BIL and his circumstances recently than we have in the whole 15+ years we've been together.

MIL's friend says MIL is going to be back over the weekend! We shall see.

Well hopefully, sonotready, MIL's absence will bring about a catalyst of change whereby she is honest with BIL about his condition and helps him - with the rest of the family involved, and outside agencies as necessary - to live his life as fully as possible.

I do feel for your MIL; whatever the reasons for your BIL's condition, people can be damaged by anything at anytime and at any stage in development. We just have to get on with it. If MIL feels guilt or shame then perhaps she could do with some help to come to terms with that and move past it.

You do sound like a very nice family and I hope that when you can see changes happening for the better that you will feel more supported yourself.
You've done an excellent job keeping things together.

God your MIL is a selfish cow.She has done wrong from day one and done no good for anyone.
I think you need to tell her once and for all that you will not have your live messed up by her actions, you will never be taking BIL in to your home so she better get used to it and get over it and make previsions for him for when she dies.
Sit your DH down and explain to him that he chose to marry you he choose to have a family with you and now he has to choose either that family or his BIL and MIL. I know that is harsh but I really think it is all you can do. If MIL does not come home soon then BIL will have to be dealt with by SS as your DH can not risk losing his job to stay there.

Sonot, so what are your plans for next week when DH has to be at work?

Sonotready, you write:
MIL has a shame thing going on. She has always said that if BIL knew he was disabled (and why), he would hate her.

It is likely to be Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Would you google it and see if BIL has facial features of FAS?

just wanted to add a (((hug))) for you a chat with my own mum about my brothers care reminded me of your thread and i had to come back for an update.
Hope things are better for you soon x

CrotchFlakes On monday and tuesday one of the neighbours is 'looking in' on BIL. I can go down on Wednesday if needs be. I want to be here if MIL does come back though, as she'll be landing in our city and I want to talk to her privately before she returns to BIL.

Still thinking of you often OP. I'm really glad that I suggested something vaguely helpful.

"I want to talk to her privately before she returns to BIL."

I'll bet you bloody do!! I reckon there're a few things all the posters on here would like to say to her too! Seriously though... I hope that if she turns up this w'end then her absence will still be enough of a shock to everyone that it galvanises her (and your DH) into making some provision and long term plans for DBIL's future care. Things can't go on the way they have been, and at least this awful situation has made that glaringly apparent.

Wishing you all the best with this OP - you've been fucking amazing, imho.

Talk to her... good luck with that one. You are a saint, I'd want to batter her!!

Well, what I really want to do is slap her. Repeatedly. Really.

But I need to speak to her before she gets to BIL/DH if he's still down there, and DH can't be there because he's too emotionally involved.

I have lots of things I want to say, I want to be dispassionate and compassionate and make her agree to carrying on with what we've put in motion and make her see that what's been happening doesn't serve BIL at all. Or herself.

What I REALLY want to do, though, is slap her.

Completely understandable - she has destoyed any trust either you or your DH have in her.

Hope she stays away just long enough for the things you have set in motion to work.

I'd really want to slap her too if I were you. (Probably best if you don't, though)

Good luck with speaking to her. You are doing absolutely the right thing trying to get to her before she gets to your DH. Are you planning to make it clear how dangerous it is to piss about with his employment/your lives like this? Or is your tack more just to keep it to BiL and focus on the future?