to not want disabled BIL to live with us

[sonotready]

I feel like a total shit and am well prepared to be flamed, prob. deserve it :(

BIL is disabled - birth accident left him brain damaged, with learning/mental issues rather than physical ones. He is a nice guy (mid 30s now), who doesn't know he's disabled iyswim.

DH grew up knowing he would always need to look after his brother (MIL a single mum), and over the years we have hd 4am mercy dashes to police stations (when BIL feels threatened he lashes out and he'd been cornered by another service user at a drop-in centre), had to cope with BIL's 'friends' selling all his things and dealing drugs out of his flat and all sorts. Eventually BIL was persuaded to move back in with MIL (because she 'needed help' not because he needed someone to keep an eye), and he rubs along okay looking after the pets and doing garden work. MIL works away. They live five hours from us.

When DH and I got together I was late teens and while I did know on some level that one day BIL's care would fall to us I didn't fully appreciate what it would mean. BIL 'seems fine' and I was very young and MIL was far from old or frail.

We've been over for the festive season and MIL has raised the possibility of BIL coming to stay with us for a while as she needs a break. DH feels strongly we must do this, and I sort of agree, but I will be the one looking out for him all the time as DH works and I'm a SAHM. MIL is making out that it will be free babysitting for the DCs but given how BIL reacts to unpredictable things happening that's just not going to happen until the DCs are a lot lot older - he's fine playing XBOX with them and they love that, but DH vividly remembers BIL setting fire to the grillpan accidentally and then panicking and disabling the smoke alarm so he didn't get in trouble and running out of the house leaving DH and MIL asleep upstairs... so I just couldn't leave him in charge of young children.

DH's already had a massive go at me for letting BIL use his laptop (apparently it was 'obvious' that he'd be downloading porn and other dodgy things), and my mobile (he said he wanted to play angry birds and has run up £££ of charges to sex lines - MIL said I was stupid to give it to him but nobody has ever told me he has form for that before!)

MIL is dropping hints that we should bring BIL home with us when we go back - I really really don't want to, not without a lot more preparation and a lot more understanding of what it is going to involve.

I've asked about official respite (total no go apparently for lots of reasons, also MIL doesn't want someone to 'look after' BIL she wants him to do a 'normal thing like visiting his brother, he's always asking why you don't have him to stay').

DH thinks IABU - what do you think?

Any news yet? Another one here in agreement that she planned it all.

You're doing well OP. DH must ignore the guilt tripping. BIL and indeed MIL need support, and if he succumbs they won't get it. I know a lot of people have been critical of MIL, but regardless of how one assesses her behaviour, it isn't to BILs advantage for her to continue without the help she obviously needs.

Show this list to DH before you let him speak to any more professionals.

I really can't believe all you have been through - you are handling things amazingly! And your DH too.

Your last post said 'So far as we can tell she's planning to be back soon though'. However, without having heard from MIL directly and without having been given an actual date, I rather think you will have to make plans assuming she won't come back for a considerable time.

Obviously BIL is the main concern, but as a minor example, who is going to be picking up the bill for the kennels? There is a limit to the length of time you can afford to leave the pets there. Surely you must get a message through to MIL (via her friend?) that if she is not back by a certain date you will have to have the animals re-homed?

How are you progressing with plans for BIL?

My huge sympathies, I can't begin to imagine what this must be like for you all. Glad to hear the DC are doing so well.

I remember, about 30 years ago, SS coming round to speak to my mum about rehabilitating my elderly grandfather after he'd had a serious stroke in his late 80s. The lady asked why he couldn't move in with us. This was a house with 3 teenagers and no spare bedrooms, both my parents were working full-time (Mum as a teacher, so full-on job too) and my g-father was seriously physically impaired, needing a lot of assistance. Stairs (to the bathroom) were out for a start. The social worker looked round the sitting room and said, "well, put a bed up in here and use a commode then."
I can't imagine things have improved greatly, as funds are even more stretched nowadays. SS will not take your BIL on lightly, I don't suppose.

just bumping

YANBU Sounds like way too much to take on. I think you should tread very carefully because a short stay could get extended. You have to think of your children and your sanity. It sounds like he needs sheltered housing. You can still be supportive to him, but having him living with you could put a massive strain on your relationship with dh as well as the children.

Clam your mum was not just guilt trip by SS. That sounds like bullying to me.

I feared this might happen :(

You have the patience of a saint and deserve lots of good things to happen for/to you!!

I hope DH appreciates he has a 'one in a million' wife! If he doesn't - send him here and we will put him straight!!

Good luck with getting things sorted out for your BIL.

... and mostly, good luck with getting through to your DH and don't let this come between you! x

Hello! I'm here - on my knees tired, but here. Just catching up...

Right!

DC2 and I didn't get home until almost 11pm last night - it was a nursery day today but I kept DC2 home as come 8am we were both clearly not up for it!

Been another frustrating day. LemonDifficult I did as you (and others), suggested and spoke directly to the friend MIL has been contacting. The friend has been around in DH's life since he was tiny so it's not a 'fair fight' iyswim. I didn't realise how angry I was til I spoke to the friend. Lots of flim-flammy shit about how amazing MIL is and what she's done for BIL, DH, me, the friend, blahblahblah.

Friend's story is that MIL missed her flight and is staying with a friend waiting for the next possible flight. I don't believe that, really, if it was just a missed flight she could've taken any of the four flights from that airport to this daily surely.

I pushed on how MIL was contacting the friend, they claim email. I said we had SS involved and were "concerned about the mortgage", that should shake things up a bit I hope. Friend kept trying to pick a fight or make me angry, couldn't tell which or work out why. I said the pets were in kennels but 'not indefinately'. I wouldn't have them put down but I am afraid I did imply that was the direction I was thinking in.

The SENCO at DC1's school got back to me with some people to talk to. The distance is making everything quite difficult. We need to get BIL assessed as DH reckons every time he's spoken to SS they've said variations on a theme of "you are telling us a 34-year-old man's mother has taken a holiday - and?" He's not known to them etc. So we've got the names of people who should be able to actually help or advise in short order. Clam what you said is so tragic and rings so true.

DH took BIL to the GP today to try and see what's on file about him. BIL did not want to co-operate at all and kept saying he didn't need medicine and there was nothing wrong with him. The GP spoke to DH first, briefly, and then BIL. Must've handled it very well (DH explained that BIL doesn't know there's anything wrong with him), because BIL seemed much calmer after seeing the GP. The GP says BIL needs an assessment. It's all so difficult because everyone seems to be expecting MIL to turn up any second (including DH really), and I think we should be proceeding as if she was longterm AWOL.

I hate being so far away from DH, seeing him yesterday was a real jolt. He's massively stressed about work.

Have both DCs home for the first time in almost two weeks! Feel absolutely exhausted - not really because of that, just emotionally I suppose and feeling less like we're going to be able to enact meaningful change before MIL turns up again.

I would rather she never came back, at this point. BIL is coping better than expected and I know that with enough time we could get things sorted.

Well thank goodness the GP at least seemed to realise that BIL needs help. Hopefully an assessment will get the proper balls rolling.

Have a good night my dear.

(((hug)))

I'm sorry SS are being so bloody difficult about everything, as if you didn't have enough stress. You must all be so exhausted.

Thinking of you often throughout my days!

If you know what you're looking for you can 'tell' that BIL has something going on. And he DID have a diagnosis as a child and presumably the GP has or can access records of that? The GP seemed to take DH seriously which really helped DH.

DH is trying to remember if BIL was actually arrested/charged that time that BIL had the bad experience with the other service user. He thinks he was also caught shoplifting and had the police called at some point in his (BIL's), late teens. It was in yet another different authority but there must be some sort of record.

Also I want to say thankyou to everyone who's read/posted/sent good vibes. Do not know what we'd've done without you.

It Sounds like you are making progress. I do think it will be better for bit to have the supoirtbhe needs in thefuture so you are doing the right thing. Stay strong and remember to look after yourself as well.

My laptop's about to die but just wanted to say how well I think you're doing in what is a very, very difficult situation. I would leave MIL to stew frankly - this is your chance to get things sorted so that your BIL isn't getting the support he needs.

If she comes back, she's just going to have to deal with that.

Actually it might feel like you're wading through treacle with it all but I think you're doing pretty well so far!
Good news that you have a sensible GP on side, I hope he can get it through to the SS that an assessment needs to be made and a possible care plan put into place (but yes, they will try and foist him onto you) An assessment will pick up the problems with your BIL.

I don't know that there would be a record of your BIL's shoplifting unless he was actually arrested and cautioned/charged - and it's a long time ago now.

I hope your chat with MIL's friend puts the cat among the pigeons, though - because much though it would be good to sort all this out now, it would be better if your MIL came home to be with your BIL while it was sorted out so that your DH can get some respite from the stress of it all.

Sorry to say I can't add any useful advice. You are lucky that your DH is so caring and loyal and keen to "do the right thing", as that shows him in a good light, but for your BIL to live with you sounds too much for you to cope with.

Have some sympathy for your MIL as it sounds as though she is at her wits end. However she was totally in the wrong to disappear like this. I'd say SS need to be involved, with or without her approval.

My friend's mother became ill and is now disabled. My friend was worried that SS would insist she should invite her mother to move in with her, but they never hinted at it and she found them very supportive

Good luck. Hope you will post again to say how it's going

Sonotready, lots of ((hugs)) in this difficult situation. I'm in a slightly similar situation. DH's older DB has learning difficulties and some other special needs. He's in assisted living and functioning very well, has job and girlfriend, but would not be able to live independently IYSWIM. He spends 1 weekend once every two weeks at DPIL's. However, when they get to the point they cannot cope anymore, we are expected to take over. It's something I've known since the start of our relationship 9 years ago and I'm more or less ok with it. It helps that he is a very kind man.
However, and this is where our situations differ and why I think your DBIL needs to be assessed (so he can get adequate help) and you should under no circumstance take him in, DPILs are aware of DBIL's limitations, have arranged for a home where he's very happy and has friends, there seem to be no dangerous porn addictions (DBIL is just very into trucks and trains and collects those , his only problem is he smokes ), and it would only be a weekend a fortnight. This is completely different from your situation.
I hope MIL's absence, however horrible short term, can help move things toward a better situation.

Well done, you're getting there. You just need to push at SS, but with the GP onside a lot of the res tape will be cut through.

I've been following this thread, and I'm sorry that I have no advice to give. Just wanted to add my support to you and your dh, hope you can get things sorted for your bil soon.

You have handled a horrible situation very well.

While I don't wish to defend MIL's friend, she and MIL may well have decided that BIL, who is clearly high-functioning, would be a great help to you and could provide you with free babysitting etc. That idea will be hard to shift. Since you were not aware of BIL's porn habit, there is every chance MIL's friend does not know about this, or his history of lashing out.

More good vibes from me

I've read this thread now... what a lovely few posts from Ditzyness... really made me stop and think. What kind of self-tortuous pliace must this woman be in to leave her 'child'? She must be in a heck of a state. :(

OP... Your BIL is very lucky to have you batting for him but not ham-strung by the familial relationship that has your DH in knots. There's been some really sound advice on this thread, I think, and the more information you have to hand about options, the better armed you will be to make decisions.

I have also been following your thread and think you and your DH have handled it very well.

But I do think you need to spell it out to your MIL friend exactly what your MIL has done by lying to your BIL about his SN and his ability to have a 'normal' life. MIL friend needs to know and understand the full extent of your BIL behaviour and how it can and will effect your family life.

How does your MIL friend justify her behaviour in just abanding BIL once again.