to not want disabled BIL to live with us

[sonotready]

I feel like a total shit and am well prepared to be flamed, prob. deserve it :(

BIL is disabled - birth accident left him brain damaged, with learning/mental issues rather than physical ones. He is a nice guy (mid 30s now), who doesn't know he's disabled iyswim.

DH grew up knowing he would always need to look after his brother (MIL a single mum), and over the years we have hd 4am mercy dashes to police stations (when BIL feels threatened he lashes out and he'd been cornered by another service user at a drop-in centre), had to cope with BIL's 'friends' selling all his things and dealing drugs out of his flat and all sorts. Eventually BIL was persuaded to move back in with MIL (because she 'needed help' not because he needed someone to keep an eye), and he rubs along okay looking after the pets and doing garden work. MIL works away. They live five hours from us.

When DH and I got together I was late teens and while I did know on some level that one day BIL's care would fall to us I didn't fully appreciate what it would mean. BIL 'seems fine' and I was very young and MIL was far from old or frail.

We've been over for the festive season and MIL has raised the possibility of BIL coming to stay with us for a while as she needs a break. DH feels strongly we must do this, and I sort of agree, but I will be the one looking out for him all the time as DH works and I'm a SAHM. MIL is making out that it will be free babysitting for the DCs but given how BIL reacts to unpredictable things happening that's just not going to happen until the DCs are a lot lot older - he's fine playing XBOX with them and they love that, but DH vividly remembers BIL setting fire to the grillpan accidentally and then panicking and disabling the smoke alarm so he didn't get in trouble and running out of the house leaving DH and MIL asleep upstairs... so I just couldn't leave him in charge of young children.

DH's already had a massive go at me for letting BIL use his laptop (apparently it was 'obvious' that he'd be downloading porn and other dodgy things), and my mobile (he said he wanted to play angry birds and has run up £££ of charges to sex lines - MIL said I was stupid to give it to him but nobody has ever told me he has form for that before!)

MIL is dropping hints that we should bring BIL home with us when we go back - I really really don't want to, not without a lot more preparation and a lot more understanding of what it is going to involve.

I've asked about official respite (total no go apparently for lots of reasons, also MIL doesn't want someone to 'look after' BIL she wants him to do a 'normal thing like visiting his brother, he's always asking why you don't have him to stay').

DH thinks IABU - what do you think?

OP, just wanted to send good wishes to you for the coming days (when MIL reappears), and crossing my fingers for you that all works out well. Whatever the outcome, stay strong.

You and your DH are amazing. My hat off to you both!

I just wanted to say thanks for being so good with updating. It is hard when people don't and you never know what happens.

About the SS guilt trips. I have been the person trying to find out if the family, who we know work harder than we can imagine, can cope for even longer. We would love to give everyone respite and residential care if they need it. We didn't start at SS to deny people and make then exhausted and scared.

However, we know that the budget won't stretch, that there are other families where there will be violence or suicide if we deny them so we have to try to get as many overstretched and miserable people as possible to keep on working. If it helps we feel miserable doing it.

Have just read all the thread, and I think that you are doing really well. It really can be very difficult when a DH has been swallowing the 'party line' for years to get them to see things as they really are.

Just to wish you the best of luck and and , pity there isn't a [choc], too.

Take care

xxx

MrsTP - I have a friend who got a job at a council, working in the SS dept (I'm pretty sure) - her job is to assess the amount of at-home care each person receives and see where it can be cut. She hates it. Didn't realise that her job was actually going to be cutting these services, mostly to the elderly, disabled and housebound. Breaks her heart. :( She's looking for another job.

Sonotready - I really hope your BIL's neighbours do keep up contact and your MIL doesn't poison him against them. I've no real reason to believe she would - she might be happy that they've taken to him and are helping - but she might try to go back to the status quo and keep him away from others. I somehow doubt it though - I think if she realises that people outside are accepting of him and willing to have him around, it will make her life a bit easier, rather than otherwise. Here's hoping, eh!

Best wishes with MIL - I don't think it will be easy for you to discuss this with her. Especially given how rude she was to you over Christmas, before all this kicked off. People who are this high handed and arrogant usually cannot be reasoned with. She will have convinced herself that she has done the right thing.

I would consider LemonDifficult's advice to disengage, and when the dust has settled put things in writing.

Thinking of you today OP - hope it goes ok at the airport. Sounds like your DH has done a brilliant job at his end too.

Thinking of you - I think the suggestion to blank her - leave her a list of things/appointments you have made, but to disengage and just leave rather than letting her have her pre-prepared rant at you, might be a good one.

She'll be expecting you to have a go and will be most put out if she cannot retaliate.

Good luck!

Thinking of you and your DH today. I hope it goes well however you decide to play it.

I also agree with the suggestion to disengage, nothing more frustrating than not getting the opportunity to air your views when you've had a week to wind yourself up for it! But I can also see that it would be very difficult for YOU not to be able to say something. I would be absolutely bursting to say a few choice things to her.

I am also married to a fully indoctrinated DH. He is better now and can somewhat see things for how they are but I have done a lot of eye rolling and tongue biting in the past. It's very frustrating, I feel for you OP.

I am hoping for the very best of outcomes for all of you.

Good luck today.

Good luck today! I second the suggestions to disengage of, if this proves impossible, to record the convo.

Another lurker wishing you well.

Saw first part of thread but everyone had already said anything constructive I could thing of. Horrified by latest developments. Hope MIL does not undo all your good work and that your DH is able to remain firm.

yet another lurker sending you positive thoughts . Hang on in there sonotready.

Another lurker, good luck sonot!

Another lurker. You have been really wise in looking to the longterm for all of you concerned, including your BIL.

Hope this crisis of your MIL's making brings lasting good change and a new lease of life for your BIL and peace for you and your family too.

Good luck x

Hope MIL appeared yesterday and that the fall-out from it all isn't too traumatic.

Whether or not she returned, it sounds like BIL needs a Plan B which is independent of MIL and also independent of MIL's house, as neither seem guaranteed.

Hi all.

She did turn up. I waited with the minicab driver (had let her know I'd be there but only after she left iyswim, she'd've found out when she landed). She later had a go at DH for my 'ambush' but I behaved impeccably. I was recording but it's rubbish (just my phone's recording facility). You can tell I don't raise my voice or anything though.

My line was that she must've been under enormous stress to do something so uncharacteristic and extreme and how could we help. DH was all about the things he'd put in place for BIL when he saw her but we felt it should come from him not me.

She and DH went out for dinner last night just the two of them and had a long chat. He came home the same man he was before all this, back to toeing the party line. MIL has agreed that BIL can continue his 'work' with the neighbour if it's on offer. She made agreeing noises about SS but I have no confidence.

DH has decided he is going to ring BIL (BIL, not MIL - he speaks to her most days anyway), every evening. BIL will love having a set time DH calls and it'll mean hopefully DH can make sure everything's okay with him.

MIL agreed that she would speak with SS and attend the GPs appointment with BIL (only if the GP promises not to say anything which upsets BIL), but was laying the guilt on pretty thick.

She evaded questions about where she was and who with.

Oh one (very), good thing is that DH had a chat with BIL about benefits and BIL appears to be seeing them as 'free money' (to buy cigarettes and mobile topups with), and I think he'll agree to apply for something.

I'm afraid you are going to have to stand firm against your DH and MIL and insist that BIL is never going to live with you. You may find in time if your MIL fails to change your DH becomes more willing to see what she is really like...

Sonotready good on you for keeping detached when you met MIL. I would suggest that you somehow make sure that MIL deals with you and DH as a package if at all possible, otherwise there is a real danger you could be squeezed out of any influence as the fall bad guy.

You have the patience of a saint, really.

jesus, did she not apologise for the distress, stress and inconvenience?

It's a curate's egg, isn't it? Good in parts.

Well done for keeping calm, not raising your voice and so on. Your dh is so used to toeing the line, it's going to be really hard for him to stop doing that. Phone calls to BIL are a good start, and hopefully will be enough to keep BIL online for claiming something. That's one way of getting him 'known' anyway.

Long hard road and all that. MIL was obviously feeling defensive. Maybe something you said will percolate for a while and pop up later, helping to move her in the right direction.

This cannot be allowed to happen again though. I hope she understands that.

She didn't apologise to me and DH is pretty sure she didn't apologise to him (she said what's happened "wasn't ideal", and "unfortunate" but never said sorry).

When he mentioned work she said she was sure they'd understand he had family commitments. When he said they had been very understanding considering the total lack of notice and his current projects being put at risk, she said he could have left BIL or brought him back with him. Totally disregarded what he's been through.

He was at work for 12 hours today trying to catch up, and it'll be a similar story the rest of the week.

She said the kennels were 'unnecessary' and went on about how one of the pets is nervy and might be traumatised - that was to me. She talked about that more than about BIL/DH. She said she'd pay for the kennels though. Big woop.

He angle is nothing bad happened so stop going on about it.