to not want disabled BIL to live with us

[sonotready]

I feel like a total shit and am well prepared to be flamed, prob. deserve it :(

BIL is disabled - birth accident left him brain damaged, with learning/mental issues rather than physical ones. He is a nice guy (mid 30s now), who doesn't know he's disabled iyswim.

DH grew up knowing he would always need to look after his brother (MIL a single mum), and over the years we have hd 4am mercy dashes to police stations (when BIL feels threatened he lashes out and he'd been cornered by another service user at a drop-in centre), had to cope with BIL's 'friends' selling all his things and dealing drugs out of his flat and all sorts. Eventually BIL was persuaded to move back in with MIL (because she 'needed help' not because he needed someone to keep an eye), and he rubs along okay looking after the pets and doing garden work. MIL works away. They live five hours from us.

When DH and I got together I was late teens and while I did know on some level that one day BIL's care would fall to us I didn't fully appreciate what it would mean. BIL 'seems fine' and I was very young and MIL was far from old or frail.

We've been over for the festive season and MIL has raised the possibility of BIL coming to stay with us for a while as she needs a break. DH feels strongly we must do this, and I sort of agree, but I will be the one looking out for him all the time as DH works and I'm a SAHM. MIL is making out that it will be free babysitting for the DCs but given how BIL reacts to unpredictable things happening that's just not going to happen until the DCs are a lot lot older - he's fine playing XBOX with them and they love that, but DH vividly remembers BIL setting fire to the grillpan accidentally and then panicking and disabling the smoke alarm so he didn't get in trouble and running out of the house leaving DH and MIL asleep upstairs... so I just couldn't leave him in charge of young children.

DH's already had a massive go at me for letting BIL use his laptop (apparently it was 'obvious' that he'd be downloading porn and other dodgy things), and my mobile (he said he wanted to play angry birds and has run up £££ of charges to sex lines - MIL said I was stupid to give it to him but nobody has ever told me he has form for that before!)

MIL is dropping hints that we should bring BIL home with us when we go back - I really really don't want to, not without a lot more preparation and a lot more understanding of what it is going to involve.

I've asked about official respite (total no go apparently for lots of reasons, also MIL doesn't want someone to 'look after' BIL she wants him to do a 'normal thing like visiting his brother, he's always asking why you don't have him to stay').

DH thinks IABU - what do you think?

Even if she doesn't want help, if you can argue that BIL needs help, then perhaps SS could apply for some form of guardianship order?

Any news on when she's coming back?

Maryz talks good sense as always!

Oh no! Not good news? I saw this had been bumped and thought I would come back to an update that Mil is back.

Obviously she dies need that slap? You poor thing :(

Oh no.

Oops not sure what happened there.

Right. It looks almost certain that MIL is returning tomorrow (so exactly a week after she was supposed to). She's booked a minicab pickup (I rang saying I was hoping to surprise her and did I have the right flight number - they sort of know us all but prob shouldn't've given me info anyway - glad they did though as my initial plan was to sit in the airport all day!)

DH is on his way home and wants to come but I think MIL and I should travel together initially at least. Usually she stays with us or a friend nearby and goes back down the next morning but she might've planned an onwards flight.

I have a depressing feeling that nothing good will come of this whole mess. Well, no, DH does I think have a different and more realistic view of BIL, MIL and the future. But unless MIL returns a different person I'm worried everything we've tried to do will be dead in the water.

Are you and DH agreed on everything you want to say?

was supposed to head up my post not be by itself, sorry! I am furious. I sort of wish she'd stayed away.

DH finally heard from her -really insultingly blasé text saying she was on her way. No apology. 'As friend explained, it wasn't possible for me to stretch to inflated weekday flight prices' - my arse.

God - she's absolutely shameless, isn't she? I hope that before getting on to longer-term issues you make it absolutely clear how much fear, anxiety and inconvenience she has caused you and your DH. She won't want to alienate you entirely and you have 100% of the moral high ground here - unless she's a total monster she will probably be feeling a bit guilty underneath, so make the most of that.

Good luck!

but possible to abandon BiL or risk causing serious disruption to her DS?!

Oh dear. This would fundamentally alter my relationship with anyone who behaved like this to me, DH and my DCs. There would be no going back. I'd be livid.

She must know you'll see through that? I think you should see her alone. Your DH has been brainwashed, I don't want to sound cruel, but he might back down - he won't mean to but he'll have had years of indoctrination.

Write yourself some notes, bullet points. Now is you chance to say everything you need to. And your DH needs you to, and your BIL needs you too. Good luck!

Not really Lemon He wants her to know how hurt he was at her going AWOL and n/c. He agrees we must insist BIL is assessed and makes contact with SS and at least claims DLA if appropriate. He agrees we need a plan longterm. He wants to arrange regular visits (him going down there), and to talk about the possibility of reaching out to the local community. He's very excited by the possibility of BIL's couple of days helping the neighbour being a more regular thing.

I think we need to start threatening. No contact from us and the DCs until she does that, we'll call SS and report a vulnerable adult being neglected every day if we have to, that sort of thing. But DH says we can't force her, we have to persuade her.

When I see her I am going to be compassionate, say she needs more support and we want to help but the consequences of what she did could've been worse and were bad enough. DH's job, BIL's personal safety, the people we've contacted etc. But mostly she's really hurt DH. She needs to know how devastated he is and apologise or I truly think he will be heartbroken. She's one of those 'aggression as defense' people and that is not going to work with DH this time.

I know this may not be possible but...

What about she makes her own way home from the airport, you/DH are ready with bags packed, once you know she's home you leave, not even staying for a cuppa with her. Don't have it out or discuss it. Write anything she needs to know about arrangements for BiL and leave it in a note.

Then go home, calm down and send her an email a few days later from both you and DH explicitly stating how appalling her behaviour was.

Yeah, I think she will be ready for you at the Airport and probably defiant.

What she's done is very high handed. Somehow she needs to understand she can't emotionally manipulate and blackmail DH and you into:

Colluding with her denial
Refusing to engage with SS/available help
Trying to dictate BIL's care plan when she will not be the only one affected

It's going to be difficult to deal with her. The only card you hold is that she needs your help. What she has done this time though will only work once. I'm not too sure what to advise.

I have read all the posts re. MIL having a bloody hard time of it all these years and I DO really feel for her. It must be impossibly difficult to care year in year out for a SN child, as I know MANY on MN testify to. I am sure it would drive me a bit doolaly.

But it is NOT op's or even op's DH's fault!!!! They should not suffer because of this. He might want to pick up the care, but in reality this should have been addressed years ago and a plan in place. I feel for MIL, but this burying head in sand thing has caused nothing but grief - especially for BIL who could have been settled for years in appropriate accommodation for him and living a useful life. OP I really hope you manage to sort something, for all your sakes.

X-posted, snr. I really think the best thing you could do for the first few days when MiL gets back is to disengage.

She won't hear what you're saying, she'll just be waiting to say her piece and make all the excuses she's been planning. Deny her this. Get out of her way and don't pick up the phone to her. Hopefully this will allow DH to go home and get on with his own life for a few days, and have a break from this.

Sonotready - just one word of caution - if she is generally quite manipulative, I think it might be dangerous for you to speak to her on your own, just because then there will be no witnesses as to what is said and she might do a sob story on your DH, telling him that you were horrible to her etc. and wouldn't listen to reason blah blah, and trying to make him feel sorry for her and just forgive her because she's his mum. She might not of course but I still think it might be safer to talk to her where someone else can hear what is said.

Or record the conversation secretly. Needs must and all that.

Sonotready after what Thumbwitch has said may i suggest that if you do see her on your own you could use the recording facility on your mobile if it has one. This might seem a bit much to some on here but in light of what your MIL has done she is not to be trusted.
If she can do what she has done then making up a few lies about what youve said to her will be nothing to her.

Grr big post got swallowed.

Good idea about recording it. DH wouldn't believe MIL over me but others might, and it would be good to have a reminder of any promises she made.

DH feels very strongly that he wants MIL to come back and see BIL surrounded by his 'new friends' (how BIL sees it). Sunday evening one of the neighbours has invited BIL over for dinner. Monday morning the neighbour with the fields is calling for BIL and taking him out to check the fences - totally spurious but BIL is looking forward to it.

DH thinks (probably naievely), that when MIL sees that she can't impose herself back as a middleman between BIL and the community. He has really laid on thick the 'I am so worried about my mum, she's gone AWOL and my brother has SN, she's coped on her own for so long, she needs help, my job is at risk if I stay any longer' - it seems like these are good people (with a fair share of village gossip aspect too which might work in our favour), and they won't LET MIL just shut the door on them. Also BIL believes he has new friends, and he will want to know why if MIL stops him going to 'work' or seeing his friends.

Oh DH also made an appointment with the nice GP for next week for BIL - the GP has said that if he doesn't attend he will call to check he's okay. Might help in some way. The GP will either have first-hand experience of MIL or BIL will end up going to the appt. Just forging ties, you know?

I haven't posted on this thread before, and do not really have anything to add to all the advice you've been getting, but just wanted to say I've been following the thread all week and think you're doing brilliantly in such a difficult situation, I really hope it all works out well in the long term.