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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my boyfriend to propose to me

336 replies

woahthere · 27/12/2011 23:45

We have been together for 8 years. I love him very much. We have a lovely little boy together and he is a great father to my other 2 children. I am very very lucky, BUT, I wish that he would propose, we have discussed it and I know he is quite a quiet person and i have said that if we got married we could do it low key because i know he would hate the whole big shebang. AIBU to want to make it official. I feel let down that all of my friends, his brother etc are getting married and I still never get that feeling of joy of having been asked. Every special occasion I hope that he will ask me and he never does and secretly it really hurts.

OP posts:

Abirdinthehand · 27/12/2011 23:47

Umm - why don't ou propose to him? Sorry it is making you

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2011 23:47

Does he want to marry you?

If so, why does he have to do the proposing?

GingerSnapsBack · 27/12/2011 23:49

Yanbu to want to marry him. Ywbu to push it if he's not comfortable with it. No harm in talking about it though

Original poster

woahthere · 27/12/2011 23:53

I have asked before, the answer is always for about 6 years...maybe, one day...like a parent says to fob his kid off. I guess he mustnt want to worraliberty or hed have asked me by now. I dont push it, I used to try and broach the subject about once every months but I havent bothered for a while.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2011 23:54

I guess you two have already made the utmost commitment if you have a child together and you've moved in together.

Some people don't feel the need to marry if they already have married life 'on a plate' if that makes sense?

Vinomcstephens · 27/12/2011 23:55

No you are not being unreasonable! I am completely with you on this one - I've been with DP for 5 years and a number of friends have asked if I will propose next year as it's a leap year - and the answer is no I bloody won't! Maybe I'm a foolish old romantic and I dare say it's frowned upon in this day and age but I just feel it's up to DP to do the asking (and I hope he does get round to it eventually but we're both divorced so I'm in no huge hurry)

ViviPrudolf · 28/12/2011 00:29

Shove up on the waiting-for-proposal-bench woahthere & Vinom, I'm plonking my arse.

DP's always had a bit of a bee in his bonnet about weddings being a waste of money and I've generally been inclined to agree. Other people's weddings though. Other people who lack creativity and ingenuity and allow themselves to be ripped off IMO.

Until about a year ago, our life was quite strictly planned out with certain goals set to a timescale. Getting married was so low down the list of things-to-do that it didn't even feature. Events conspired that threw those particular plans off course, and we've spent the last year getting back on track, but haven't really sat down and thrashed out what the plan is now

He's been setting up a business and I've been the sole earner. While we're confident of his long-term financial security, I think he still feels wobbly about his current income (or lack thereof) and making a big financial commitment (which an engagement/wedding represents to him) is just not on his radar right now.

We've also always been in agreement that long engagements are silly, both commenting in the past that theres no point getting engaged then waiting years to be married. So I don't think he would propose if he didn't envisage an imminent wedding, which points 1-3 above indicate.

The only other thing we've agreed on is that we would prefer for DCs to come after any marriage. I'm 33 soon and starting to feel the pressure. I'm concerned that there just won't be time to wedge in a wedding before mother nature closes the shutters on the potential Prulet window of opportunity. (Yes yes I know we can nip down the registry office next week and weddings don't necessarily have to be years in the making, but that's not my style)

One of my BFs got engaged at Christmas. I'm genuinely thrilled for her, she's been with her DP for over 10 years. But I know DP so well and if anything, this will deter him from proposing any time soon if he did have it in mind because he likes to be different.

ViviPrudolf · 28/12/2011 00:38

Oh and just to add to that droning monologue, we've been together 8 years and I will not be doing the proposing.

emsyj · 28/12/2011 00:42

If it's important to you to be married then ask him what his intentions are, and if he says he plans to marry you ask him when. You will need to be direct. When you have your answer, believe him. If he says he doesn't want to get married, you have to decide either to be happy with the way things are or move on.

IME men who are reluctant to marry invariably have a long heart-wrenching break up with the woman they have been with for ten years or whatever, then marry someone else six months later... Just saying.

ViviPrudolf · 28/12/2011 00:43

Arf Emsy that's a cheery thought for the evening!

CatPussRoastingByAnOpenFire · 28/12/2011 00:52

Ive been with DP for 20 years, next leap day! I've given him ample opportunity to ask, and he did, 12 years ago, in front of his family, because they teased him. He has done absolutely nothing else since, despite many many hints, talked to him about setting a date and what kind of do we would have, and nothing! So, I've given him an ultimatum. Me, him, our two best friends and the Dcs, down the register office, before 29 feb or he gets his bags packed!

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2011 00:55

Now at the risk of being beaten up with cyber sticks and chased across t'internet till I'm out of breath....

To those who marriage is important to them, why did you choose to have children first rather than getting the important marriage part done and then having kids?

I mean, what is 'in it' for someone who is reluctant to marry if they already have everything a married person has?

NorksAkimbo · 28/12/2011 09:34

I kind of agree with you, Worra, and I know that's not a popular thought...marriage seems a bit pointless if you already have kids, live together, etc.

troisgarcons · 28/12/2011 09:37

I agree with worrah

To coin an old phrase "no-one buys the cow when they can get the milk for free"

And statistically, people who co-habit for two years or more then get married are more likely to divorce because the marriage came about because of one partners insecurities.

dons tin hat and flak jacket

hermioneweasley · 28/12/2011 09:39

Marriage isn't pointless when it comes to inheritance planning. If he dies and you're not married, you would have to pay tax on his estate (over s certain amount, can't remember how much). Many unmarried partners have lost their homes at the time they were grieving because of this, and it's one of the important reasons that stonewall fought for gay relationships to have legal standing.

hopenglory · 28/12/2011 09:43

Do you want to get married - or do you just want to be asked? You talk about the feeling of joy at being asked, are you looking for the whole hearts and flowers thing - but what if he rolled over in bed one morning and said "shall we do it then?"

ILoveSanta · 28/12/2011 09:45

It's a leap year this year - propose to him on 29th February! Maybe he's waiting for you to do just that?!

HomeEcoGnomist · 28/12/2011 09:45

Another in agreement with worra - made it v clear that kids would come after marriage... Proposal came after 5 years, now married for 6. Realise that tactic won't work for you tho. Reckon you have 2 options - propose to him or give him a deadline to do so. Obviously you have to live with the outcome...

JosieRosie · 28/12/2011 09:46

Also agree (sort of) with worrah. If marriage is so important to you, then why have DCs first? I think that having a DC together is a much bigger commitment than marriage because that genuinely is a life-long bond between you, a marriage can always be undone.

I'm also confused by the posters who feel it's 'his job' to propose - you don't let him make all the other major decisions in your life, do you? So why is this one different! Not snarking by the way, I know that people feel very strongly about these things, just genuinely curious

greenplastictrees · 28/12/2011 09:47

I'll add myself to the list of want a proposal but hasn't happened yet. In my case DP doesn't seen the importance of marriage - he sees it as a religious ceremony and isn't religious. His parents have also had a messy separation which taints his view of marriage.

There have been a few times the past year when I've brought it up and he's told me not to be impatient, that I will get what I want as he knows how important it is to me. However we've been together for nine years now!

BluddyMoFo · 28/12/2011 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greenplastictrees · 28/12/2011 09:51

I also meant to add that the proposal isn't the important part for me. I'd be happy for us to agree to get married but he isn't ready.

olgaga · 28/12/2011 10:00

I'm with Worra on this, definitely. It's always puzzled me why women have children with a man who doesn't love her enough to want to offer the formal commitment - and legal and financial protection - of marriage.

What an unpleasant (and vulnerable) situation to be in.

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 28/12/2011 10:01

I agree with Worra too. If you've been living with someone for donkey's years, have kids etc, how can they then say they're not ready for marriage? You can object on religious terms I guess or a dislike of a seemingly patriarchal system but not ready? Hasn't the ship already sailed?

And for those who have been put off by messy separations etc, isn't it just as messy if you're a couple with kids and a house?

emsyj · 28/12/2011 10:02

Congratulations BluddyMoFo

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