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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my boyfriend to propose to me

336 replies

woahthere · 27/12/2011 23:45

We have been together for 8 years. I love him very much. We have a lovely little boy together and he is a great father to my other 2 children. I am very very lucky, BUT, I wish that he would propose, we have discussed it and I know he is quite a quiet person and i have said that if we got married we could do it low key because i know he would hate the whole big shebang. AIBU to want to make it official. I feel let down that all of my friends, his brother etc are getting married and I still never get that feeling of joy of having been asked. Every special occasion I hope that he will ask me and he never does and secretly it really hurts.

OP posts:
KissMyShineyRedA · 28/12/2011 19:36

Now Yabu and defensive. Aibu is basically asking for it! Post in relationships for more hugs and support

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/12/2011 19:37

I wouldn't say those things... you have children together. I don't know if he's the right man for you but I do think that he owes you not to make all the decisions, that he shouldn't be selfish of your feelings.

I don't think you're stupid, nor would I call another woman so. I also don't know enough to say 'leave him' and I'm not that school of thought anyway, it's your business.

I think that parents who don't safeguard their children's futures are reckless. If you have in place everything that's needed, it doesn't apply to you, does it?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/12/2011 19:40

I dislike that interference KissMyShiney... you're doing 'relationships' a disservice, I think. Straight talking there, and here. Plenty of support on both boards.

MrsJAlfredPrufrock · 28/12/2011 19:40

The only problem with marriage for women is that it's very easy to enter into but actually quite difficult to exit, especially if the other party is opposed to ending the marriage.

Original poster
woahthere · 28/12/2011 19:48

Normal to be defensive I think shiney, I have made it clear that I really rather like my boyfriend, Im not saying hes perfect but dont want people to think hes awful either. It was a natural reaction...sorry!

OP posts:
KissMyShineyRedA · 28/12/2011 19:55

lying I have received an immense amount of support on relationship board. What I meant was aibu is basically about getting flamed, whereas relationship board may be more appropriate judging by the ops upset at the opinions

KissMyShineyRedA · 28/12/2011 19:56

woahthere of course you are, but I don't think you should take it to heart as this is aibu after all. I think there has been some good support and discussion on here

mrstiredandconfused · 28/12/2011 19:58

Without wishing to insult anyone, there is no future in history. What has or hasn't happened in the past doesn't really matter - op has 2 kids with this guy and now she is asking for support (fwiw dp and I had bought a house before he popped the question and I needed hand holding, reckless though the move may have been)

Whether this is aibu or relationships, it doesn't matter - support and advice are what mn does best. The horse has bolted, let's see if we can move forward, eh?

mrstiredandconfused · 28/12/2011 20:02

Oh shite, x posted with many! As you were....

Original poster
woahthere · 28/12/2011 20:02

not upset Grin see! ive taken a lot worse than that!

OP posts:
maypole1 · 28/12/2011 20:03

To be honest love if he don't know he wants to spend the rest of his life with you after 8 years

Then you need to work out what the most important thing no point hanging in their in the hope he will ask
Peonsnally I would just ask him out right wether he plans to Marry you

Sadly just like wether or not you intend to have children this IS A COVERSATION YOU SHOULD of had at the start

In my view with in the first month of dating you should really establish if the other wants the same as you anything else and your just wasting yur own time

My mate was with her ex for 5 years before she relised he was never going to agree to have a baby with her all those years wasted but deep do an I think she always new but hope her love would change his mind

Original poster
woahthere · 28/12/2011 20:03

ive got 3 children by the way guys Grin

OP posts:
KissMyShineyRedA · 28/12/2011 20:04

MN is great for support, of course. But aibu is known for blunter replies etc than other boards

Original poster
woahthere · 28/12/2011 20:05

i did have the conversation maypole. I wouldnt leave him if he didnt want to marry me now...but it would make me a bit sad from time to time.

OP posts:
KissMyShineyRedA · 28/12/2011 20:06

For the record I really hope you get a proposal. Your DP doesn't sound awful but more like a guy who is just happy rolling along with how things are. I do think maybe an ultimatum is needed so he sees you're serious.

Good luck op

LydiaWickham · 28/12/2011 20:15

you know, if you sit down and have a proper conversation about it, you might find he's surprised you actually care about it that much, it could well be that he doesn't think you're all that fussed as you've never pushed beyond saying you'd like too, and seem happy to be as you are. If you make it clear it's not some abstract concept, but something you want to happen within the next 24 months (reasonable time frame, don't get dragged into "5 year engagements"), he might be shocked you feel that way when "you've not been bothered by it in the past", but be happy to go along with that. Particularly if the "what's in it for him" is to stay with you, rather than you leaving, if not straight away, at least stopping thinking of him as your life partner.

mrstiredandconfused · 28/12/2011 20:15

Kissmy there as a surprising number of these otherwise good guys who are happy chugging along - 3 of dh's closest friends were exactly the same and 2 of the 3 gf's were also at the point of leaving! Why is it they wait until things are critical before they fucking realise?!!

maypole1 · 28/12/2011 20:16

woahthere well then just wait to be asked your relationship dose not hinge on wether he asks you or not sp I guess you just gonna wait and see

Mine did so my now oh asked I would not of stayed if I hadn't had some proper commitment with in a year I far to old for boyfriends myself

And I Peonsnally don't believe it takes years and years roar somone to figure out wether they love you

In my view 1 year to date
1 year to live togethr
1 year to plan the wedding if you can't tell if you want to spend your life with some after 3 years

Your in my view a time waister and should come back when you know what you want only expactions are people who make it clear at the start of a relationship they don't want to get married or never mention the M word if their partners want to live in hope they will change their mind then their waiting their own time

Also I put people who get enganaged and drag it out in the same bracket

People who get enganaged to shut their partner up about marrige but have no real intron tension of ever setting a date siting money(costs £150 to get wed), or not the right time , or the Arab spring any exuse basically

My sister has been engaged for 13 years

mrstiredandconfused · 28/12/2011 20:19

Not meant nastily btw- just very frustrating to see how many people can be so laid back!

KissMyShineyRedA · 28/12/2011 20:20

I can't really say without generalising, and there's a thread going on about that now, but isn't it the whole men being totally shit-scared of commitment??

KissMyShineyRedA · 28/12/2011 20:22

My sister has been engaged for 15 years. She now just tells people she's married Hmm which I think is crap

solidgoldbrass · 28/12/2011 20:27

OP: Have you told him clearly that you want to be married to him? And have you been clear about what that means to you (eg that you want the legal status of marriage/you want to feel that he is committed to you/you do actually want a wedding)? If you have, and he's done nothing about it, not even sat you down and explained his objections to the institution of marriage, then he is a bit of a prick, because he is demonstrating that he doesn't actually care much about your feelings.
On the other hand, if all you have done is murmur vaguely that it might be nice to get married, and he's gone 'Yeah, you're right' then maybe he doesn't know how strongly you feel, in which case you do need to tell him clearly that you would very much like to get married, and that you want to set a date.

allagory · 28/12/2011 20:32

I waited 10 interminable years for Mr A. to propose. Then I followed my friends advice: this is a traditional problem for which you need a traditional solution. You need to cry. Cry and ask why all the women are allowed a special day but you are not? Cry and ask why you are not good enough to marry? Then cry some more. I know it's unpalatable and demeaning but you want to get married, right?

mrstiredandconfused · 28/12/2011 20:33

Maypole just because op (and others, including myself) wait, and wait, and wait some more, it does not make her a time waster or in any less need of support. Mn is a wonderful community that can be accessed at any time someone needs a hand to hold, not just when circumstances suit.

Forgive me if I misunderstood your post, but i know how being in this situation can hurt like hell. And sometimes no matter how much it hurts, summoning the courage to have "that" conversation is a herculean task, and in itself can be excruciatingly painful.

Yes, in an ideal world a timescale would be wonderful but there are many of us who have not had that luxury. Calling the op a time waster is doing nothing but adding to her distress - is that really your intention?

maypole1 · 28/12/2011 20:35

solidgoldbrass if your not prepared to walk away from the relationship over it personally I don't think you do feel strongley.

I feel strongley about cheating if he cheated I would leave no if no butts

If we didn't get married I wouldnt of stayed

I don't feel strongly about having more children if he wanted more children I. Wouldn't leave

She might claim she feels stongly but if nothing happens if he dosent ask then in my view you might as well wait to be asked or not asked as the case may be and save a argument

You have to think about what you would do if he says he didn't want to get married or took on board what you said and did fuck all about it after 8 years I think you op already know the answer to your won question about weather he wants to marry you or not crist it's nearly a decade and lord know your problem been to firends wedding over the years so not as if he wouldn't get the gist that every ones on to the next step now