to want my boyfriend to propose to me

[woahthere]

We have been together for 8 years. I love him very much. We have a lovely little boy together and he is a great father to my other 2 children. I am very very lucky, BUT, I wish that he would propose, we have discussed it and I know he is quite a quiet person and i have said that if we got married we could do it low key because i know he would hate the whole big shebang. AIBU to want to make it official. I feel let down that all of my friends, his brother etc are getting married and I still never get that feeling of joy of having been asked. Every special occasion I hope that he will ask me and he never does and secretly it really hurts.

Sorry but it doesn't sound like he wants to get married (to you). If you've asked several times (every few months!) and he keeps putting you off for no good reason. But if that's the case, he should be honest with you, not keep you hanging on indefinitely with 'maybe someday'.

I think you need to sit down and have a proper talk about it, both explain how you feel and your reasons. But if it turns out that you ultimately want different things out of this relationship, you might have to accept that that's how it is. And then it's up to you to decide what you want to do about it.

I agree with Worra too. If people have strong feelings about this, I'm really surprised they don't talk about it earlier in the relationship, and certainly before children, moving in together etc, and make sure they're on the same page.

I know anyone can change their mind, but often that's not what's happened, it's more that the man (or the woman, but it's usually a man!) has never actually been keen on marrying, at least not that particular partner.

8 years is a long time. But I guess from his point of view marriage isn't really going to bring any advantages to him.

He's still going to be the children's dad. You will still be there. The house etc. He's a quiet guy so I assume he would hate all the attention and that's before you consider the cost!

You on the other hand get the big day, the dress etc and (usually) of course financial security.

I've lived with 2 women, the first I had 2 children with. The 2nd I was together with for five years. I've always been against marriage. Why bother. There's nothing in it for me but cost and aggro. And of course what if years down the line things don't work out? I think 50% of marriages end in divorce. Those are really bad odds. Would I pump £10-£15k on a 50-50 gamble? No way!

Over the years I've been so about marriage that my family & friends just gave up asking. I just didn't see the point!

I've now been together with my now DP for just over 2 years now. And you know what? I'd marry her tomorrow.

All the above is still true. There's still absolutely no advantages for me. In fact if heaven forbid we split up, I'd risk losing a lot of the financial security I've built up over the years for me & my kids.

So why the change of heart? Because curiously I WANT the commitment with my DP. If marriage makes it harder for us to split up. If it makes us work harder together to get us through the tough times then that's money well spent. I want us to be together. All the logic and the rationalisation I used is bollocks.

My point is that marriage isn't a logical choice. In fact it's crazy! But if he truly loved you he'd marry you because emotionally he'd want to. At least that's the lesson I've learned.

"I'm also confused by the posters who feel it's 'his job' to propose - you don't let him make all the other major decisions in your life, do you? So why is this one different! Not snarking by the way, I know that people feel very strongly about these things, just genuinely curious"

Josie, for me, it's because I initiate many of the major life decisions that I don't want to force home this one. DP is a year and a month younger than me and has always been a step behind with all of the big life stages. I was ready to move in together before he was, I was ready to buy a house before he was and so on. I've always been able to talk him into most things, and could probably talk him into getting married, but I don't think that would be fair. I want him to do it because he wants to, not because I've railroaded it.

I also think its on his agenda somewhere, he just operates in a different timeframe to the rest of us (He has ADD) and time doesn't work the same for him.

I think he also thinks we're really happy how we are. Which we are.

Girls, I wrote almost this exact post this time last year. DP and I were together 8 years, had two girls, had talked of marriage etc but never got anywhere, I had wanted to be engaged at least by the time I was 30 and I was fed up of saying "my boyfriend..." I had asked him last leap year and he thought I was joking so told me to "f* off". (but jokingly).

Anyway so I hadn't had a proposal for Christmas and I was turning 30 in the January so came on here for a moan. someone kicked me up the butt and so I went and spoke to him and said "look if you want to marry before DD1 starts school we need to set a date soon as we need to plan/save etc" he said, "oh ok, what date". we set a date, went to shop the next day and ordered a ring (in the sales, I'm nothing if I'm not frugal), went and told the parents and went the next week to pick up the ring and he proposed in Muffin Break when we went for Coffee afterwards!

Yes that sounds like the most unromantic thing in the world but we're getting married in October and couldn't be happier.

He said he had always wanted to do it but couldn't afford a ring. Yes he couldn't but WE could.

BUT he does cook me nice meals, runs me baths when I've had a busy day (or when he's been at work all day and the kids have been stressing me out), takes the kids out so I can nap when I'm tired.

Sometimes when you have a family life and limited finances you take the romance where you can get it.

So just ask them! :)

What a lovely post niceguy!

Mind you, my wedding cost about £500 all in, and it was a wonderful day with just very close family (about 12 of us)

MIL's present was to book us the honeymoon suite at the local hotel and that was as posh as it got

Marriage is about so much more than 'the day' so money really shouldn't prevent anyone from doing it.

I agree with Worra.

Those waiting for a proposal - what are you actually waiting for? To be engaged? To be married? Or to have a wedding?

They are all separate things.

I also agree with Worra... what incentive is there for your boyfriend to propose? There are so many who feel that children are the greatest commitment, rather than the marriage, that this is trotted out as a default position by the wedding-ring dodgers themselves.... hoist by ones own petard?

If marriage is in any way important to you, get the ring before having a child.

Good point Basted, those talking about the cost preventing them from being married are not talking about a marriage but a wedding. The cost is preventing them from having a wedding, you can get married for under a £100.

ruela congrats to you, I will certainly think on what you've said. I also think that

"he had always wanted to do it but couldn't afford a ring. Yes he couldn't but WE could"

Is playing a massive part in my situation. Even though I've never indicated a desire for a fancy-pants ring. I think that's how he would like to do it though.

Three-months' salary (his) to be spent on the engagement ring... is that right? Not sure. Mine wasn't, just the one I liked (and don't wear for fear of knocking the stone out).

According to my DSis, 3 months salary is 'the going rate' for an engagement ring I started a thread about it on here a few weeks ago and virtually everyone was about it (quite rightly) Speaks absolute volumes when you're putting a monetary value on the whole experience I think!

My engagement ring was £80 from the local pawnbrokers and our wedding rings came from Cash Converters...I think they were around £60 for the pair (18ct)

I should add, we married after our child was born but marriage was never that important to me. I would have been perfectly happy either way, as to me having a baby was the biggest commitment by far. My DH really wanted to get married though and we discussed this and agreed from the offset.

The actual wedding itself was just a formality to us and far less important than the actual marriage.

DP doesn't have a salary. He barely has an income at the moment as everything he's invoicing through his new business is being reinvested.

He's a real stickler for investing in quality. We don't have loads of material possessions but the things we do have (particularly the things he choses) tend to be of highest quality, long lasting classic stuff, and I know if he was buying a ring, he'd want it to be just that. I suspect he doesn't think he's in a position to make that kind of purchase right now. Which is silly, but just the way he thinks.

Getting married and hosting a wedding are very different things. My sister married very quietly, just her, DH, and their two best friends/witnesses, followed by a meal in their favourite restaurant. They told the families the next day (long story). So, very little cost. Cost is not truly a factor in not getting married, although it can put you off throwing a wedding.

Once there are children, 'marry me or b**r off' is not an option. But, whatever objections these reluctant partners may have to marriage, they cannot deny that it is a contract that affords protection to the children, and I would seek to have that protection in place for my DC. Can you raise it from that point of view? If you are not going to marry (and yes, put it as bluntly as that) then other steps must be taken. Wills. Pension nominations. Financial planning. There's probably a lot of paperwork required to put in place what a marriage certificate does at a stroke. Perhaps if the emotion is removed and only the practicalities considered, your partner might see why it is important to you?

Viviprudolf... You remind me very much of one of my friends. :)

I think I would agree with your DP. There's something comforting and long-standing about good quality things that you own and have owned for many years. I used to buy cheap stuff and have to replace it but no minding because it was 'new'. Now I think that it's nicer to keep going with pots that I've owned for years, etc.

.... except for Woks... I go through them like a dose of salt and have to replace them every couple of months.... I'd better not buy another expensive one because it makes no difference.

I'd love a thread that gives opinions on what to buy expensive and what to buy cheap.

My engagement ring was £250 in the sale (from £550 so a good buy). DP makes way more than that in 3 months but we have a mortgage, 2 kids, 2 cars, childcare, bills, food and so on. I would kill him if he spent £1k on a ring never mind 3 months salary!

I can see the point in investing in quality but I would never wear something so expensive for fear of losing it so that would be lost on me.

I LOVE my ring, DP thought I was settling but asides from the cost its perfect for me! My wedding ring is £100 and we get money off as we're buying from the same jewellers. DP's wedding ring is now in the sales so we're getting that next week :)

we are spending nowhere near £10k on our wedding! That's fine if you want to or can afford it but we'd rather put the money to a trip to Disneyland Paris with the kids as our honeymoon.

I have so far won my wedding dress AND a bouquet in competitions I have entered so there really is no reason for cost to put you off. :)

BUT the main thing is, we are getting married. We want this commitment for the kids, had we not had kids we would still be quite happy, sailing along, not engaged.

Un-mn (((((hugs)))) to everyone hurting - it's utterly shit, isn't it?

I waited 7 years with marriage basically being a carrot (now it's kids but that's a whole other thread) and tbh I was at the point of splitting up with him. Every wedding/ engagement increased the hurt a bit more and it just became unbearable. I actually wanted to be married to him more than I wanted a wedding - that commitment was so important to me.

We had a talk at about 6.5 years and told him that I couldn't go on like this any more and that if we wanted different things it wasn't fair to drag things out or make the other do what they didn't want to. There were lots of tears and I agreed to give it a few months more and see how it went. I think it was the kick up the arse he needed, he knew how serious I was and knew that he would lose me (i didn't WANT to split up before i get flamed, but there is no point in pushing the other to do something they didn't want to).

Upshot is that I think had we not talked seriously then I don't think it would have happened. We've been married 2 years, together 11. I think you need to lay your cards on the table and decide what you want to do when you have all the information you need. But you both need to be honest and open about what you both want.

I know it's no help but the hurt you feel now might never leave you - reading some of these posts has taken me straight back to that time and my chest physically aches when i think about it

Wishing you strength - it's hard, isn't it?

olgaga Wed 28-Dec-11 10:00:53
I'm with Worra on this, definitely. It's always puzzled me why women have children with a man who doesn't love her enough to want to offer the formal commitment - and legal and financial protection - of marriage.

I don't think that is exactly what other posters have been saying. Worra and others have made the point that IF marriage is important to you then why not do it before making the committment to have children.

I don't see why it is puzzling that women should have children with a partner without being married. It doesn't necessarily mean that the man "doesn't love her enough" - plenty of people, myself and my partner included, simply don't consider marriage to be remotely important or relevant to us, and do consider children, a shared home and shared lives to be important.

But I do agree with the other posters that if marriage is important enough to you that you will ultimately be unhappy if it doesn't happen, then you really should be dealing with that issue before getting more heavily entwined in the relationship by introducing children to the equation.

Re: affording rings etc - you don't actually have to have an engagement or wedding ring. The engagement ring dates back to a time when women were like chattels and given to show a kind of investment in the woman.

And the phrase about the cost of an engagement ring "a months salary that lasts a lifetime" was coined by the jewellery industry

he wont propose because he is happy with what he has .a woman who is willing to settle for less than she deserves.
You have two children together and still he is not willing to make a proper commitment.
If anything happened to him you will be in deep kaka love. There is no such thing as a common law wife in reality. You could lose your home and any money he may have.You are not his next of kin. You need to read up on your rights and point them out to him.
Marriage is not just a bit of paper , it is a legal document that will protect you both and your children.
Get swatting

I agree, the rings are completely optional. Yes it can be nice to have them, if you like that kind of thing. But if anyone is refusing to propose or get married because they can't afford a diamond ring - well, they can't be all that keen to marry you!

Same with expensive weddings - again it's nice if you enjoy a big party and lots of fuss, and you can afford it, but it's not essential. I can't understand why anyone (unless they really can't even afford the registrar's fee) would forego marriage entirely because they can't afford a big reception with all the frills. I can only think they aren't much bothered about marriage itself.

I don't think that is exactly what other posters have been saying. Worra and others have made the point that IF marriage is important to you then why not do it before making the committment to have children

That's exactly it. People have their own personal reasons for not wanting to get married and that's fine.

But if it is important to either partner, I don't think having children first and living as a married couple anyway, is particularly a good idea as it takes away any incentive for that person to marry.

Yes fair enough KungFu and Worra, fully accept your point - marriage isn't important to everyone. But it clearly is important to OP.

hmm, lots of interesting points to read.
About the having children before marriage...having a baby at the age I was at was very important to me. I always knew that I wanted to have a baby with him before I was 30, so we just had to get on with it really...if Id have had to wait for a proposal first it wouldnt have happened, and Id asked about the marriage thing so many times....eventually you get so sad at asking about it over and over again that you feel a fool for mentioning it, and it makes you feel all needy. I have pointed out the fact that I dont like that I have no rights if we split up...and this has happened to me before so I know it to be true. He acknowledged it and then did nothing about it. Its become like a bit of a joke now but I dont find it funny. Obviously I love him and I believe he loves me, he is very kind and will do anything for me (apart from marry me!) but its just not something thats high on his agenda. I wouldnt ever leave him because of it though, thats playing games a bit isnt it?
He is hard work in terms of getting him to DO anything. Moving in together was a big deal, and persuading him to have a baby was a big thing too. He is geekily logical about things like that. He couldnt understand why having a child would benefit him so it took ages to persuade him, and when he agreed I was so happy. He understands the 'benefit' now and his become a lot more emotionally involved with everything. That makes him sound terrible, but hes not...he just seems to have a bit of a mental block about some things like that.