Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my boyfriend to propose to me

336 replies

woahthere · 27/12/2011 23:45

We have been together for 8 years. I love him very much. We have a lovely little boy together and he is a great father to my other 2 children. I am very very lucky, BUT, I wish that he would propose, we have discussed it and I know he is quite a quiet person and i have said that if we got married we could do it low key because i know he would hate the whole big shebang. AIBU to want to make it official. I feel let down that all of my friends, his brother etc are getting married and I still never get that feeling of joy of having been asked. Every special occasion I hope that he will ask me and he never does and secretly it really hurts.

OP posts:
TheScaryJessie · 28/12/2011 13:56

Three months' salary? Pffft. It does not need to cost any set amount, whether that be one week's salary, one month's salary, three months' salary, or one day's salary.

The Vicar/Priest/Registrar/Official of your preferred denomination will not insist that you show him or her a receipt for the ring, together with a copy of your fiance's monthly payslip!

My engagement ring is perfect. It is beautiful, and just what I would have chosen myself, even though he chose it without me. I am happy to wear it every day for the rest of my life, both because it is beautiful and because it makes me happy to see that the man I love knew what things I find beautiful.

From the insurance certificate, I know it cost £49.99, and I don't find myself liking it any less for that.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/12/2011 14:06

He has a mental block, OP, because he's always had things his own way, without a thought for what you want. That's selfish.

If he's made the 'ultimate commitment' to you in terms of having a child then having a 'bit of paper' really shouldn't cause him sleepless nights. It doesn't have to cost more than the registrar's fee, you can get two witnesses off the street if necessary.

Instead of you giving him all the reasons why, ask him for all the reasons why not and rather than waiting for a romantic proposal that isn't going to happen (it obviously isn't), just discuss it and fix a date for the 'business' side - party and fripperies 'optional'.

I do feel sorry for you, OP, but you've let this man have his way without thought for you and it's biting you in the bum now. :(

Thefearlessfreak · 28/12/2011 14:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

BastedTurkey · 28/12/2011 14:18

OP you say "I believe he loves me, he is very kind and will do anything for me (apart from marry me)" but has he made provision in his pension for you? Have you had wills written to ensure that you and your DCs are protected financially? Are you registered as his next of kin? Are you covered by his death in service benefit? Does he have a life insurance policy that names you as the beneficiary?

These (and many other things such as widows pension etc) are things that are covered off (mainly) by the legal position of being married.

So in not getting married you are both doing yourselves and your DCs a dis-service.

You do not need him to propose to you. You do not need an engagement party / ring. You do not need wedding rings / dress / reception etc etc in spite of perhaps wanting those things.

But you do need the protection that being married offers.

Ephiny · 28/12/2011 14:18

I wouldn't have a child with someone if I had to 'persuade him of the benefits to him' of having one. Or one I had to nag and beg to marry me. Didn't you ever think you deserved a man who actually enthusiastically wanted to marry you and have a family with you, not one who had to be reluctantly persuaded into it?

Sorry, I know this is unhelpful at this stage in your relationship. It just sounds all wrong to me, surely it shouldn't be such 'hard work' for you every step of the way.

ViviPrudolf · 28/12/2011 14:21

LW, I'll take that as a compliment!

Funny thing is, there are 2 very similar rings in John Lewis, one is £390, one is £1800. I'd be equally happy with either. I know DP would prefer the £1800 one. He just would!

Like your wok analogy, we're just the same. One of our cars is a dream of a beast of a frighteningly expensive piece of beautiful German engineering. The other is a sack of French nails worth less than it costs to insure it. But the quality one is perfect for the trans-UK pilgrimages we regularly undertake, and the French heap is perfect for taking crap to the tip. It would be totally pointless having a better second car. Our friends think its a bit mad and can't understand why we don't just have two decent mid-range cars like they all do. Well that's just not DP.

And mrstired, inspiring post. I think we do need to talk seriously. If only because I recognise that I can be quite a control freak and DP doesn't like to do anything that I haven't 'sanctioned', so until I give him the OK to go ahead and do it, I'll probably be waiting forever!

BastedTurkey · 28/12/2011 14:28

Perhaps if you approach it like LyingWitch suggests from a business side as something that has to be done, take the emotion and the romaticism out of it and say you just want to cover the legal aspects then there can be no reason for your DP not to marry you.

Obviously once he has agreed to that then you can let it snowball into whatever fairytale dream you wish Smile

FredFredGeorge · 28/12/2011 14:43

woahthere would you be happy if you went down to the registry office, no engagement ring, no party, a couple of strangers dragged off the street friends as witnesses, then home for a normal evening on mumsnet? And if you are does he know that?

What do you really want? is it to be married, or is it all the process of becoming married. I really doubt I would have married DW had she required what is described as traditional wedding, but I was extremely happy to be married to her, would never have asked either incidentally, but was happy to be asked.

Whatever it is you want, and whatever it is you can agree to that isn't what you want. You first need to talk to your DP and find out what he wants, doesn't want, and then come to some agreement, now maybe you could've done that with hints etc. and he could've figured out what you wanted from that, but he's either too dumb to figure it out or wants something so different that he can't agree. Talk, find out, even if you have to tell him you need the romance of him asking and a big wedding and whatever, then you'll know where you stand.

scottishmummy · 28/12/2011 14:51

he's not asked because he doesn't want to marry you
if he wanted to Marry he'd have asked you
fact is,he hasn't
so now what will you do? cant moon about pining and hoping to be asked

do and i aren't married, I don't want to
it doesn't fundamentally mean anything to me
we have however seen solicitor, made wills, financial arrangements etc

EssexGurl · 28/12/2011 14:54

Leap year 2012. You propose to him! A friend did it years ago as her BF (now DH) was so laid back that he would never have got around to it. Even though we all knew that he loved the very bones of her. She is the organised one, he is not. So she did it all. Worked out lovely.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/12/2011 15:44

woahthere, reading your description of him - I'm no expert, but he sounds a bit autistic/Asperger's. Is he? In which case I'd definitely go for the logical approach/business to be seen to.

"he is very kind and will do anything for me (apart from marry me!)"
Well, that's not true, is it? You've pointed out your lack of rights should you split AND that you don't like it - "He acknowledged it and then did nothing about it." How is that kind? How is that doing anything for you? It's not. It's selfish and dismissive.

"I wouldnt ever leave him because of it though, thats playing games a bit isnt it?"
Actually I'd call it protecting yourself. If you didn't regard it as 'playing games' - would that change the likelihood?

"He couldnt understand why having a child would benefit him so it took ages to persuade him"
Shouldn't that have flagged up his essential self-absorption?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/12/2011 15:51

OP... Don't be lulled and caught up in the 'leap year' proposals. If you think that he won't say "yes", don't ask. Your self-esteems seems already to be low on this point. :(

Ephiny · 28/12/2011 15:54

It's not a case of OP being unwilling to do the asking. She's asked several times already, he's never said yes :(

FantasticVoyage · 28/12/2011 15:55

OP - from the way you describe your partner, it sounds like he hasn't made a will either. If you can't persuade him to marry you, at least get him to make a will or you and child(ren) could be well up sh*t creek if some thing terrible happens.

BastedTurkey · 28/12/2011 15:55

It really concerns me that couples enter into having a family without fully understanding how vulnerable this makes a sahp / lower earner (who usually forfeits their earning potential to enable the other partner to earn more).

A loving partner (of either sex) should want to ensure that their family have long term financial stability and protection.

It should not take on partner years of nagging / persuading / waiting for a proposal

Ephiny · 28/12/2011 16:00

I could understand if he didn't want a big fussy 'traditional' wedding, that is not everyone's cup of tea (certainly not mine either!). But if he also refuses to either have a low-key registry office ceremony, or to get wills and other documents drawn up - either he's anxious not to be financially tied/obliged to you, or he just doesn't care about your future and security to make even a small effort. Either way it's not good!

inkyfingers · 28/12/2011 16:16

Mr Niceguy's post said everything to me. It sounds like women want marriage more than men (judging by this thread), and if men don't want it (commitment, financial obligation), they don't have to have it, because so many women are OK with starting relationships/move in/get pregnant but the big issue of where are they going together (for life?) is either not discussed or not fully resolved. Mr Niceguy didn't want to commit so he could get out - which he did twice. The wedding with all the fuss didn't come into it for Mr NG. It was the big of paper he didn't want. I'm so worried why so many women don't insist on this commitment for their own wellbeing. If he doesn't want to commit, you've got the wrong one.

gettingeasier · 28/12/2011 16:36

I never wanted to get married, in fact was almost anti tbh

Then I had DS and a few months later XH proposed , he really wanted to marry so I accepted.

Fast forward 13 years and he leaves and 2 years later I am still thanking my lucky stars I was married for all the reasons posters have said. There is 100% no such thing as a common law wife

LydiaWickham · 28/12/2011 16:38

I think it's really sad that the one area where men still seem to be given all the power is over whether or not a couple marry. Considering it's woman who normally take the career and lifestyle cut and the major health risks when a couple have DCs, it's increadibly unfair for a man to deny a woman the security of marriage if she's made it clear she wants it.

However, I was always rather clear with DH, I told him from very early on in our relationship that I wanted DCs by 30 and I wanted to be married to the man I had DCs with before I got pregnant, so that was his timeframe. If he wasn't going to be that man, he should expect me to end the relationship in my late 20s. We got engaged when I wsa 27, married at 28 and had DS when I was 30. (A little behind schedule, but only by a few months...)

The point is, I was brutally honest about what mattered and was prepared to leave him if he wouldn't give me what I wanted.

OP - make it clear you want to get married, tell him you expect to be at least engaged by next Christmas, does he want you to propose to him or will he do it. If he's not happy with that time frame, can he explain why he doesn't want to be married to you.

Make it clear you would be happy without an expensive ring or an expensive wedding day, but aren't happy with being fobbed off forever.

If he really doesn't want to be married, he should be prepared to explain why he doesn't want to be married at all and why he lead you to believe it was a possiblity.

JosieRosie · 28/12/2011 16:39

Personally I am very anti-marriage but I would not dream of becoming a parent with anyone without being married to them, for all the legal reasons outlined above. There are lots of reasons why I think that the system is unfair, but that's for another thread - it's the best we've got for now. Without marriage, you may as well be flatmates in the eyes of the law.

BastedTurkey · 28/12/2011 16:46

YY Josie you are exactly right.

I remember a poster on here complaining that she was being discriminated against as she wanted a civil partnership but was in a heterosexual relationship and it was unfair that she could not benefit from the advantages of the civil partnership.

Despite lots of people telling her that getting married would afford her the same thing.

Lots of people seem unable to separate a wedding from a marriage.

JosieRosie · 28/12/2011 16:47

Actually I'm with her on wanting a civil partnership rather than a marriage! Smile But agree that legal benefits are the same

BlueFergie · 28/12/2011 16:59

Worra has a point. That is how DH got me to get married. I was never that bothered about it but he was very clear that he would not have kids with me unless we were married. So get married we did.

FredFredGeorge · 28/12/2011 17:04

inkyfingers It's not the only reason about commitment, as I said I wouldn't get married if the wedding had more than 5 people at it, nothing to do with commitment, all to do with absolute horror at any sort of wedding. We can't know what woahthere's DP might want or otherwise, she has to talk to him!

NinkyNonker · 28/12/2011 17:09

I would be very suspicious of a man who did not want the commitment of marriage with me, but would enter into the much larger (in my opinion) commitment of children.