to want my boyfriend to propose to me

[woahthere]

We have been together for 8 years. I love him very much. We have a lovely little boy together and he is a great father to my other 2 children. I am very very lucky, BUT, I wish that he would propose, we have discussed it and I know he is quite a quiet person and i have said that if we got married we could do it low key because i know he would hate the whole big shebang. AIBU to want to make it official. I feel let down that all of my friends, his brother etc are getting married and I still never get that feeling of joy of having been asked. Every special occasion I hope that he will ask me and he never does and secretly it really hurts.

the ole cliche of unmarried bit secretly wish to be asked?

good grief try harder is best rationale you can come up with. really?

I am not anti marriage in least, and do love a good wedding and the whole vibe, but it's not for me. it's not so hard,not so complicated, quite simply have never fancied it.it holds no significance to me.

it's fascinating that it seems beyond ken of some,that an individual may not wish to marry. and so they need to concoct a reason of oh bet just waiting too be asked, doth protest too much etc....

just because marriage may be significant and important for someone,doesn't necessarily mean has same resonance for others

Well, I tried not to click on this thread, as I've made it clear to DP in the past that I'd like to be married to him, and we've discussed it (not at length) and he's said that he absolutely doesn't see the point of marriage, and that noone can honestly promise 'forever' (which I agree with). I've made lots of barbed jokey references to it since, and then I stopped doing that, as it was obvious he didn't want to and I didn't want to flog a dead horse. It remained a slightly sore point for me though, as for various reasons, I really would like to be married.

This thread mixed with NY blues and the assessment of our lives that tends to occur at this time of year, made me raise it again, and to initiate a sensible conversation about it and our reasons for wanting/not wanting to. The upshot is that he's said that if I really want us to be married, and it would make me happy, then we can get married. He still doesn't see the point, but the fact that I would feel more secure seems to have tipped the balance.

So thanks all - and Happy New Year.

congratulations,to both of you
have a smashing day

Oh my god! Thats amazing, my thread has initiated a really positive conversation that has led to proposal! whoop whoop, very very pleased for you!!!! xxxx

you need to address that question to op reluctant groom,lequeen
given he is reluctant depite op expressed preference

I don't know anyone in the situation you describe lequeen

Aw thanks!

That was basically my point; I broached it, and he said again "I just don't see the point of marriage...", and I said "I totally understand that, and I see why, but I don't accept that you not seeing the point is the reason you won't get married; if there was something that you really wanted, and I just didn't see the point, then of course I'd do it, because your wanting it would take precedence over my indifference. So there must be active reasons why you don't want to do it, surely?"

He told me that mainly it's because he feels I would then expect him to be excited and enthusiastic about getting married, which he doesn't feel. I explained that I know how he feels and I wouldn't expect him to be all enthusiastic about it. I don't want a wedding (have never been into the whole wedding thang, have been married before and had a small but lovely wedding on the cheap, so am aware of the hypocrisy of telling someone that I promise to love them forever - for the second time ), but I would really like to be his wife. I couldn't give a toss where/when/how we get married, but I said I'd like to have a good meal afterwards (he said absolutely!). My preference would be to go off and do it in secret, then tell everyone afterwards. I think he's a bit nervous (he was petrified before we moved in together, but we've been happy as larry ever since), and there isn't nor will be some 'romantic' proposal, but I'm fine with that. For me, 'romantic' is the fact that when I was upset recently after a row with my DD where she called me sour (hit a nerve, that did ), and I told DP, he went on the usual Sat morning shop, and came back with a bunch of roses to cheer me up. That means a lot more to me than a proposal of marriage that I know he doesn't see the point of. I was a bit despondent after reading the posts before that said 'if he loves you, he'll want to marry you' (which actually I don't think is the case - my marriage wasn't true and lasting love, despite the best of intentions on both sides). The fact that he's willing to do this because it'll make me feel more secure (in several ways), actually means more, I think.

Crabby, fantastic news, congratulations. Do let us know how it goes.

ScottishMum, once again you rather miss the point...it's not beyond our ken that someone wouldn't wish to get married. You've told us, over and over and over again that you don't. I think we've all got the message. It may come as a slight disappointment to you, but no-one's judging you for that.

What is slightly irritating is your insistence that it's possible to be just as secure if you cohabit if you just do a few bits and bobs - job done. It's just not true. You say "Next of Kin" can be sorted at the GP, or with a card. Yeah right, but "next of kin" has no formal status in law - unlike "wife" or "husband".

You seem to think the pension issue can be dealt with if your partner nominates you as a beneficiary (if his pension scheme allows) but if you separate he can change that with the stroke of a pen, and you won't have a leg to stand on. Whereas if you're married, his pension pot is taken into consideration as a joint asset.

All we're pointing out is that you can have as many bits of paper as you like, but as a cohabiting couple there is nothing you can do to address the complete absence of protection if you separate, the inheritance tax liability, and the absence of state pension and bereavement benefits.

Is it really beyond your ken to acknowledge these facts?

I don't care what you think, and I'm quite happy to hear your opinion. But it's really quite wrong of you to mislead other people in the process.

And Crabby has just illustrated LeQueen's point beautifully.
The fact that he's willing to do this because it'll make me feel more secure (in several ways), actually means more, I think.

You got it in a nutshell Crabby. Ultimately it's about respecting your partner's feelings. For me, marriage is not some kind of outdated subjugation unless you want it to be. The expectation of respect from your partner is what feminism is all about.

What a lovely outcome to this thread.

marriage confers rights cohabitation doesn't.I have not disputed that.at all. I have discussed if marriage not for you then one can make alternative not same provision. and if cohabiting one has options and provisions that one can make regards nok,wills, property, pension if applicable

I would advise anyone to make adequate provision, whether married or not

my taxi arrives at 10 and I'm offsky

happy new year everyone

Thanks, scottishmummy, for clarifying that you cannot make the same provisions if you cohabit, no matter how many pieces of paper you collect.

Wishing you all a well-informed, secure and Happy New Year!