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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re huffing child response?

201 replies

rootietootie · 27/12/2011 01:19

Long story short, on Christmas day all five children and five grandchildren were at my mums house. This is a very rare occurrence that we are all the same house at the same time so mum wanted a photo of us all. Just at that moment brothers DD1 (6) went into a major huff (I think this had been off and on all morning) due to the fact that she thought her younger brother got a better xmas present. Due to huffing she refused to speak to anyone or come to get her photo taken. I cant stress the importance of everyone being in the photo for my mum. Mum tried to persuade her to come through but was rudely ignored. My brothers response? Just leave her. No discipline. Just leave her. Photo was taken without her and mum is really really disappointed, it kind of defeated the purpose of taking the photo iyswim. Im just so shocked at my brothers attitude towards it. Someone please come along and tell me the logic and purpose to his response because I dont understand it.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 27/12/2011 01:26

Your brother probably knew that there would be an almighty meltdown if he tried to force her into a photo.

Dont fret it.. in years to come, you can all laugh at her when she is a stroppy teen or an adult, when she asks why she wasnt in the group photo.

GnomeDePlume · 27/12/2011 01:29

The problem is that everyone being there is an adult want not a child want. Dragging the child there screaming and kicking would have satisfied neither. The child was either present and red faced from screaming and crying or absent. Which is truly better?

I understand the disappointment but believe me, there was no good and happy way out of this.

lisad123 · 27/12/2011 01:32

What would you have liked you brother to do? Pin her down to take photos. Sometimes parents do know best and maybe he knew by adding more fuel to her fire would equal a longer strop.

dimplebum · 27/12/2011 01:33

I think your brother response to leave her was the best option. I feel for your mum but the alternative would have been far worse

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2011 01:34

Why would your Mum want a red eyed, bad tempered, snot streaming child in her photo?

Because that's what was likely to have happened.

Was there no other point during the day when she cheered up enough to have a photo taken?

Original poster
rootietootie · 27/12/2011 01:36

Your brother probably knew that there would be an almighty meltdown if he tried to force her into a photo.

This would probably have been true. Im just not used to kids huffing and getting their own way. My ds (11) never behaved like this and had he, he would have been given to the count of 3 to get his backside into the lounge and he would have been moving at 2!

OP posts:
abbierhodes · 27/12/2011 01:37

Hard to say whether your brother is generally too soft,or was just trying to avoid a scene. I can understand the thinking behind not rewarding bad behaviour by giving attention to it, but I also agree with you that on this occasion he needed to put his foot down.

My DS pulled something similar recently...I hissed 'uncle M doesn't see us very often and this photo is important to him. You will stand here and you will put a smile on your face'. He could see that I meant business so he complied. But kids are different and that may not have worked on your niece.

Shame the photo didn't get taken for your mum, though. Was there not another opportunity later in the day?

BlueFergie · 27/12/2011 01:38

What do you think your brother should have done? Dragged his daughter kicking and screaming into the picture? My Dd is liable to throw fits whereby she is not to willing to not get into photos, perform party pieces etc because adults want her to. I don't insist that she does. She is hr own person. A photo for granny may be nice but not something I am going to make her do if it is clear that to do so would cause a lot of upset.

NatashaBee · 27/12/2011 01:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
rootietootie · 27/12/2011 01:39

Why would your Mum want a red eyed, bad tempered, snot streaming child in her photo?

My mum would rather have had her in the pic crying than not at all, just so she could get a pic of all of us together.

Was there no other point during the day when she cheered up enough to have a photo taken?

No other chance, they had to leave 5 mins later.

OP posts:
missingmumxox · 27/12/2011 01:39

Sorry same thing happened to us last year, one of my Dt's 5 nearly 6 whole family including 2 families living USA (us and Dh cousin) at the time, for the family photo, he just got into a huff at any group photo, as he was suddenly not centre of attention and so my reaction is just leave him, the more attention he get's the worse he became, we do have one competely brilliant photo when the family where trying to encourage him when the timer had been set and he decided to put his had in front of the lens, at which point I did shout at him, and the entire family are gasping, laughing and me with head in hand caught for ever, but basically this was because he was getting the attention he craved, this year he's been a lot better about it, from us ignoring him, so maybe this is what your brother is doing?

ComposHat · 27/12/2011 01:40

She's your brother's child, he knows her best, let it go and stop carping about his parenting style, it really is none of your business. It seems a relatively petty thing to get so cross about and I'm sure your mother has other pictures of her mardy-arsed granddaughter somewhere in the house.

As someone else said, it will be an amusing tale for years to come. I still get teased for the temper tantrum I threw for losing a game of Chase the Ace at the age of three and I am now 31, so the picture will be all the more memorable for her absence.

SebastionTheCrab · 27/12/2011 01:42

My daughter did exactly this when she was 5. All posing for a nice photo but as she was in an almighty strop over something, the photo consists of us all smiling at the camera except for DD who has the most hideous bratty screwed up look on her face trying to break free from DHs clutches. It really spoils the pic.
I often find showing her more attention in those instances makes her behaviour worse and so I will often 'just leave her' when she's like it.

Original poster
rootietootie · 27/12/2011 01:44

Bluefergie, can I ask that in general then, if your dc does not want to do something that has been asked, then you don't enforce it?

My brother is too soft, we live in a small town and I have had several people comment on his dd and ds behaviour. I usually try to deflect it towards his parenting.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 27/12/2011 01:46

My mum would rather have had her in the pic crying than not at all, just so she could get a pic of all of us together

I'm sorry but that's pretty selfish then...to put anyone's desire for a photo above a distressed child's feelings.

If they only had five minutes before they left, they should have thought about the photo earlier if it was so important.

Would you liked to be forced in front of a camera if you were in tears?

Or is it different for you because you're an adult?

squeakytoy · 27/12/2011 01:46

I would say there are times to pick your battles. Many kids dont want to pose for photos. By the time he had cajoled her into agreeing to it, you would end up with 9 other very pissed off people.

Original poster
rootietootie · 27/12/2011 01:50

Worra, dd was not crying. She was in a huff, ignoring everyone or telling everyone to go away. And the photo could not have been taken earlier because not all family had arrived.

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missingmumxox · 27/12/2011 01:51

Oh! you are a real judgypant arn't you? I will enjoy this :) tell me about your perfect children and where I can get one? and the course to become the perfect parent? really I need to know!

bragmatic · 27/12/2011 01:52

I'd probably have made more of an effort to get her in the photo. I'd have also given her a major tongue lashing for getting in a strop about gifts.

Original poster
rootietootie · 27/12/2011 01:57

mmx, my ds is not perfect, but I guess I am lucky in that he is mostly well behaved. There have been times my ds has tried my patience, but if he has been expressly asked to do something, the second time he would get to the count of 3. I don't think I have ever got to 3 Xmas Grin

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 27/12/2011 01:57

The point is, I'm sure he would have been crying if he was forced in front of the camera at that point.

You have already said you would count to 3 and make sure your child was in front of the camera against his will and you've said your Mum would rather have a crying grand child in front of a camera than not have your brother's child included in the photo.

sorry but how would you like to be treated in this way?

ComposHat · 27/12/2011 01:57

My brother is too soft, we live in a small town and I have had several people comment on his dd and ds behaviour. I usually try to deflect it towards his parenting.

I might be taking a real shot in the dark, but I sense that their is something else going on here and that the, quite frankly, absurd fuss you are making over a snapshot is a symptom of ongoing sibling rivalry.

As much as my sister gets on wick from time to time, there's no way on earth I'd slag her off to acquaintances.

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2011 01:59

mmx, my ds is not perfect, but I guess I am lucky in that he is mostly well behaved. There have been times my ds has tried my patience, but if he has been expressly asked to do something, the second time he would get to the count of 3. I don't think I have ever got to 3

Just the one child I take it?

Yes, it sounds as though you have been lucky because if you had 2 or 3 kids you could well realise the harsh reality that they are actually all individual personalities despite having the same parents.

Original poster
rootietootie · 27/12/2011 02:03

No, two boys and both generally well behaved, but tbh I was thinking about a third and the thought that I might not be so lucky a third time scares me a bit, I don't think I could cope :)

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WorraLiberty · 27/12/2011 02:07

Well either way, you have to realise that other people raise their kids differently...your brother parents one way and you parent another.

I still think it's unfair to force anyone in front of a camera if they don't want their pic taken.

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