AIBU re huffing child response?

[rootietootie]

Long story short, on Christmas day all five children and five grandchildren were at my mums house. This is a very rare occurrence that we are all the same house at the same time so mum wanted a photo of us all. Just at that moment brothers DD1 (6) went into a major huff (I think this had been off and on all morning) due to the fact that she thought her younger brother got a better xmas present. Due to huffing she refused to speak to anyone or come to get her photo taken. I cant stress the importance of everyone being in the photo for my mum. Mum tried to persuade her to come through but was rudely ignored. My brothers response? Just leave her. No discipline. Just leave her. Photo was taken without her and mum is really really disappointed, it kind of defeated the purpose of taking the photo iyswim. Im just so shocked at my brothers attitude towards it. Someone please come along and tell me the logic and purpose to his response because I dont understand it.

I keep trying to stay off this thread but bootymum that is ringing so many bells with me. I also live in a different country to my father, who was just the same.

When I was in my early 20s he described, gloatingly, having a friend and his DC over for dinner and how when the friend said to do something the DC (in their teens) 'immediately stopped laughing and talking and did it, with no messing, just like '.

It just made something kind of click for me: his idea of good behaviour was instant compliance underpinned by just a little fear.

We don't know the little girl in this thread - let's be fair, she might be a spoilt pita who is sulking because she didn't get the latest Wii or something, but she might also be trying to control strong emotions, albeit in a childish way, that are very real to her.

From the other things the OP has said, about backhandedly blaming her brother to neighbours and the grandmother being happy for the children to be upset so long as she got her photo, I am not sure this is a very healthy situation.

YABU, why is it so important to have everyone in the one photo?? Surely your Mum could just get a separate photo of the granddaughter? So your son has a different way of dealing with his DC's than you but honestly your MUM, a grown lady, was really upset about one GC not being in a group photo?!

There are cretain things I will insist my DC do but being in a photo is not one of them. Parenting is about picking your battles imo and this is a non issue really.

No, actually I really disagree with that.

There has to be a cut off point for allowing people/children/ anyone free rein with their emotions. I agree totally with some points raised, I would never have shouted, or used any form of violence on either of my children. But I wouldn't have let that tantrum get to that stage. It has been going on all morning, and by then a 6 year old should have been at the stage where she could be reasoned with.

Of course my DDs have been allowed to express their emotions and opinions. I've never repressed them, always listened to them. But equally, I have expected them to listen to me and learn to calm themselves down so we can talk rationally about things.

It's not repressing feelings, it's learning to be calm enough to actually express those feelings, so they can be talked about and explored.

There's a redfaced snotstreaming 3yo me on my mum's lap on my grandparents' golden wedding anniversary picture. I guess I was pretty pissed off back then, but now quite cherish the photo.

Yep YonderRevolting I hear what you are saying [and truly empathise]

My DF was also unbearably smug when telling others [in our earshot] how he brooked no disagreement from his children and they had better comply or else.

I remember a couple of instances where my DAunt tried to intervene and my father was affronted and petulant ["how dare she question my parenting!"] whilst my DM tried to make me agree with her and my father against my Aunt by saying "what does she know, she doesn't have children but is such a know-it-all don't you think?" I ended up agreeing with her for a quiet life but seethed inwardly.

My parents still talk about the "attitude" I had but looking back with adult eyes I realise I felt completely disempowered , manipulated and controlled.

And it made me very angry [and still does as an adult sometimes]

Yes, but Santa if you allow your children to express their feelings you should also respect their right to say "No" imo.

I agree with picking your battles. As a responsible parent sometimes you do just have to step in when your child says "No" and exert control.

For example if your child tries to run across the road in busy traffic, is hitting or being unkind to someone.

But I would personally let a 6 year exercise her own autonomy in saying "No" to a family photo when she is upsets.

As someone else said, I wouldn't force an adult into a group photo. Why would I force a child?

Otherwise it's just double standards [something else my parents were very good at]

But if she was in a huff, that's not really the same as a tantrum is it? I think 6 is still very young, emotionally and at my children's schools nobody would be punsihed for being in a huff about something.

Personally I've noticed that children change quite a lot around the age of 7 with regard to their level of emotional maturity. I have to say though that if I was feeling angry I would not want to go for a family photo either.

I do think with raising children you have to judge on a huff by huff basis and 1 huff can be ignored where as another has to be dealt with , I think in the photo situation i wouldve done the same as the OP brother and say leave her my dh used to be of the way of they will do as i say and it was such a battle especially with dd1 who was a huffy little moo at times , BUt she is really shy so alot of her huffyness was down to her feeling awkward ,

Yeah I also don't really get why huff = tantrum. To me, tantrum is crying, kicking etc - huff is being a bit petulant and not talking much. One is unacceptable, the other annoying but we all do it.

Your last post is very different from your first one SantasStrapon-I would agree with it, whereas I couldn't agree with your first.
6yrs is very young-lots of 6 yr olds get huffy at school and it is designed, like all huffing, to get attention. The worst you can do (from their point of view) is appear not to notice and ignore. When they finally decide it is pointless- is the time to talk about it.

I would ask, I wouldn't tell. I would explain why it is so important for Granny to have the photo - so she can look at all her children and grandchildren and remember them when they're not there. That's why I taught my children to calm themselves rather than acting out a tantrum, so I could explain to them why whatever it is is important, and we could then sit and discuss it.

A 2/3/4 year old having a tantrum, I would have let it run it's course, but after that I would have expected them to be able to calm down so we could talk and cuddle.

I wouldn't have shoved a bawling, snotty child into a photo, let me make that clear.

The child shouldn't have been given any reason to think her present was less than her brother's, the child should have been brought up to put a smile on her face in public and deal with these sorts of things later, how do you know to what extent she was told off in the car on the way home. Why is a photo, one photo, so important in the first place? The last photo I have of my father includes two of his brothers and their wives, me, and dd; it doesn't include dh or ds because ds was getting fractious and dh took him for a walk thus avoiding the sort of situation you faced at your mothers. We knew what was coming and he was deftly removed so no upset could be caused. Of course everyone has always said what a shame it was he and dh weren't in the picture - far better than everyone saying ds ruined the last picture taken of married's dad.

Frankly I think some of the notions on here are ridiculous.

She was not obviously distraught. She was being huffy, because she didn't get the present she wanted. That is rude, bratty, ungrateful behavior and part of a parent's job is to take her quietly aside and explain why that is not ok.

I was always told that I could feel any damn way I wanted and it was perfectly all right, but it was not all right to behave like a brat. No one is saying she has to turn on a cover girl smile and look thrilled. No one is saying she actually has to be in a good mood. She can stand there with a half-pleasant, half mutinous expression on her face for three seconds to make her grandma happy.

If she is the kind of child a firm word doesn't work with, someone should have scooped her up and said "I know you're upset, but this is important to your gran and we're just going to do this quickly!" in a cheerful voice.

Works wonderfully well if you have a cooperative DC, CheerfulYank-where do you go if neither works?

Certainly I do allow my son to say "no" quite a lot.

I think it just matters what they're saying no about and whether or not it's a battle you're choosing. Obviously some things like not eating candy all day long, getting dressed, taking a bath, those things have to be done whether the DC wants to or not.

But there are also things that are not urgent that I insist upon because I feel that they are important in bringing up a person other people want to be around. To me, being in a photo for Grandma's benefit even though it had been a long day and the kid was in a huff, would be one of them.

Have we established that the little girl would have started screaming or snotting? Maybe she just would have sat there looking a bit disgruntled.

If you are 6 and have seen your DB open a fab present from and then open yours and it isn't what you want at all..We have had more than one ADULT on here complaining they got less for christmas than their siblings.the child felt a bit sad and disappointed ,She hasn't got MN to rant on she doesn't have the self control and social skills to cover this up very well.This sadness and disappointment might manifest itself as being quiet and not feeling like chatting and generally 'joining' in. The poor child is entitled to her feelings and you are really mean to call her 'huffy'

Cheerful - how do you know she was huffing unjustifiably? She obviously felt aggrieved and as I said I can see the situation from two angles, first of all with my DD nothing would have worked except letting her huff it out on her own, and secondly, WRT me myself and my family, I was always the bad one, I always had presents which were less and I knew it, and I would have been huffing and my mother and father would have said I was huffing because of nothing but I wasn't (I have a thread about how they have treated me and the fact I didn't go yesterday).

There's too much back story we don't know to be able to judge the wee girl so harshly imho.

Because the OP said she was huffing because she thought her brother got a better Christmas present.

I am not for one second doubting that she did feel aggrieved. That being said, occasionally my DS feels aggrieved because his favorite shirt is in the wash, or because we have no bananas, or because I won't buy him a three hundred dollar working dinosaur.

Yes but Cheerful the point I am making is the OP only knows that because her brother (the child's father) told her that.

My family would have said I was huffing as a child because my brother got a more expensive present than me but I would have to accept that he needed it more than I did and I was jealous of him and horrible and bad tempered not to plaster on a happy face and pose when ordered.

Doesn't mean my feelings weren't justified or I wasn't right, his present was twice the money of mine.

IYSWIM?

I have a thread in AIBU about not going to my family yesterday.

From my POV, I didn't go because my brothers and their families are given more expensive gifts than me and my kids (I actually don't get anything) and I wasn't putting up with the difference making any longer. And I'm an adult and I get to make that decision.

From my family's POV, - if they knew the truth - they would say I didn't go because I was jealous that my brothers and their families got more expensive gifts than me and my children and I was huffing and bad tempered not to go.

Not really that different to the 6 year old. And it was the same when I was six. And I huffed and was cross over it. Until I learnt all that got me was a verbal tongue lashing, humiliation and my name being made mud all around the family so I shut up and sucked it up - and only now, at 40 am I able to take any kind of a stand.

I feel inordinately sorry for that wee girl.

The OP never says that the child's father told her that, does she? I assumed that she witnessed it with her own eyes.

I don't know, I assumed it came from her father, maybe - but thing is Cheerful if you were in my family, you would have seen it from me with your own eyes too.

Doesn't mean the child was wrong.

And that is terrible.

But in my experience and opinion, it's far more likely for a kid to go into a huff because she wants a present someone else has, not because the presents are actually horribly one sided.

cheerfulyank- but from the kid's perspective it's probably the same thing.