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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re huffing child response?

201 replies

rootietootie · 27/12/2011 01:19

Long story short, on Christmas day all five children and five grandchildren were at my mums house. This is a very rare occurrence that we are all the same house at the same time so mum wanted a photo of us all. Just at that moment brothers DD1 (6) went into a major huff (I think this had been off and on all morning) due to the fact that she thought her younger brother got a better xmas present. Due to huffing she refused to speak to anyone or come to get her photo taken. I cant stress the importance of everyone being in the photo for my mum. Mum tried to persuade her to come through but was rudely ignored. My brothers response? Just leave her. No discipline. Just leave her. Photo was taken without her and mum is really really disappointed, it kind of defeated the purpose of taking the photo iyswim. Im just so shocked at my brothers attitude towards it. Someone please come along and tell me the logic and purpose to his response because I dont understand it.

OP posts:
Original poster
rootietootie · 27/12/2011 02:11

ComposHat, no sibling rivalry, love him and get on with him great, just as much as my other siblings. Several people have highlighted to me when nephew and niece have behaved really naughty and db or sil have did nothing (this includes bullying type behaviour from nephew who is 3) and I can only defend the children that it is not their fault.

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 27/12/2011 02:12

IME (I have 3 DCs so do have some experience) group shots are best done early not late. Problem is that GPs (who TBH are the only people who want these) generally only remember at the last minute. Of course by this point an awful lot of stuff will have happened resulting in fractious small children.

So, lesson learned for all the grownups. Do a group shot early.

This was a failure of organisation by the grownups.

Original poster
rootietootie · 27/12/2011 02:16

Yh, It was a last minute thing. We all usually pop into mums house in dribs and draps on xmas morning and it just so happened that we all happened to drop by more or less at same time.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2011 02:19

I think you brother was wrong to let her get her own way. She should have been in the photo - red eyed, screaming, snotty, whatever... and made to look at her ugly self in the photo every time she visited her gran. Xmas Grin

thefroggy · 27/12/2011 02:24

I can see both sides. Can really understand the importance of the photo to your mum. Can also understand the reluctance of a parent to force an upset child to pose for a photo.

But, saying that, there's a couple of photos of me on fb, teary eyed and snotty nosed at the nursery nativity because I thought being an angel was "stoopid". I'm not too traumatised, I have a giggle at them. One of dd's nursery photos is equally rough and she's a proper little show off now..very shy still, but loves the camera.

iscream · 27/12/2011 02:26

I think you should not waste any time worrying about it, at least the rest of the family is in the photo.
Maybe when she sees the photo on the wall, she will regret being a brat and next time a photo op comes along, will co-operate.

Spermysextowel · 27/12/2011 02:31

I don't think that asking a 6 yr old to sit still & pretend they're having a good time is unreasonable. When mine were that age anything was considered daft. Like cleaning their teeth or dressing. Now they're 12 & 14 being rude to their grandmother is the ultimate of sins.

tigerlillyd02 · 27/12/2011 02:41

I don't think it was an inreasonable request whether she wanted to or not. Sometimes in life you have to do things you don't want to do - it's never too early to teach that lesson to your children.

Even if he didn't want to force her into the photo she should have at least been told off or sent off somewhere for being so rude and uncooperative. I personally wouldn't tolerate it from a 6 yr old.

ClaudiaSchiffer · 27/12/2011 02:44

Your niece sounds like a pita, if my dd was in a huff about presents she would be taken aside given a strong talking to and made to step up and join in family pic for her granny AND LIKE IT.

I can't believe how many people are in the "poor diddums" camp.

Sheesh.

ClaudiaSchiffer · 27/12/2011 03:07

And no I haven't got perfect children, they can be bloody awful tbh, but they get TOLD OFF if they can't behave themselves. Particularly if it's for a special occasion, which a group pic of their family for their grandmother is, as far as I would be concerned anyway. I'm sentimental like that.

AlfalfaMum · 27/12/2011 03:17

The kid sounds like a right brat for getting in a strop over presents, but if she's like that all the time I can see why your brother chose not to haul her up over the photo thing, sounds to me like he was picking his battles (I've three kids, the youngest is unbelievably stroppy and I have to this, otherwise everyday would be an exhausting constant battle Wink)

Nandocushion · 27/12/2011 03:37

Agree with Claudia and tigerlilly - a tantrumming child would get short shrift from me. Not sure why so many people think it is some sort of hardship for a six-year-old to pose for a photo, or why her parents shouldn't make it clear to her that in this instance, it wasn't a choice.

My own mother wouldn't put up with this behaviour from either of my two. And SHE drags them out to bloody portrait studios.

EdithWeston · 27/12/2011 05:46

I agree very strongly with tigerlily and claudia.

This was a rare and special family occasion. Taking a couple of minutes to join the (possibly unique) group photograph is not a hardship, and learning proper social behaviour is important.

EdithWeston · 27/12/2011 05:49

And agree with nandocushion too - didn't mean to leave you out - and posters earlier in the thread like abbierhodes.

Tantrums are unlikely to lessen if the tantrummers get their way.

PinkPeanuts · 27/12/2011 08:41

No way would my Nieces and Nephews get away with being stroppy over a gift. Firstly, she clearly hasn't been taught about gratitude. Secondly, one of the lessons we learn as kids is that sometimes you have to do things you're not in the mood to do.

No "Poor diddums" from me over here either!

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 27/12/2011 08:45

Easy to sort. Photoshop her onto the photo and present it to your mum.

callmemrs · 27/12/2011 08:49

Agree with Hecate. Is it really worth getting het up about something which these days is easily remedied.

CheerfulYank · 27/12/2011 09:06

YANBU in my book. You said that she was just in a huff, not crying or obviously distressed. She can sit and smile for three flippin' seconds.

My niece and nephew do this frequently and it's supremely annoying. My SIL always begs them to sit nicely for Grandma's pictures and they huff and whine, so she begs some more when what's needed is a sharp "We'll take one picture quickly, now sit up and smile RIGHT NOW."

Granted, my MIL takes the worst photos on earth. She has terrible lighting and shoots everyone from below so we all look about ten pounds heavier than we actually are. The one from this Christmas has me looking like Shrek with pallid skin and stringy hair, but do I refuse to be in her pics, even knowing that she'll blow them up and make them into Christmas ornaments next year? No. I smile and get on with it. :)

zookeeper · 27/12/2011 09:13

Problem is Cheerful, some children might respond to that; others might go into an almighty meltdown. Not worth it for a photo.

CheerfulYank · 27/12/2011 09:18

Yes, that is true. Some kids are definitely more...easily upset than others. I just hate seeing children sitting there all petulant and huffy. Ugh!

CheerfulYank · 27/12/2011 09:18

Also, my niece and nephew do go into meltdowns when my SIL tells them to do things...but do whatever is being asked of them if my MIL is doing the asking. :)

changingnicknameforxmas · 27/12/2011 09:22

TBH before I had DD I would have said YANBU. None of my other children would have done this - a look and a very sharp "get your arse in their right now and do what you're told" would have been enough.

But DD is a different kettle of fish. Her tantrums have always been of epic proportions. And if she's tired and over-excited they are even worse. And the only thing that works, and believe me I have tried everything, is letting her huff it out. Trying to engage with her, trying to cajole her, or indeed order her to do as she is told, makes it worse. At 5 or so it would have resulted in a complete meltdown, screaming, kicking, yelling, and would have achieved nothing. Not a thing.

It was exceedingly embarrassing, very difficult to deal with, and really led to a number of family rows when everyone else was telling us how to deal with her, what to do, to force her, smack her, or whatever, and how no one else's children ever did this and all that she needed was some proper discipline.

You have to accept that your brother knows his child best, and although your mother is disappointed, there will be other years for photographs.

troisgarcons · 27/12/2011 09:25

Or - alternatively - photoshop another photo of her into the one that has been taken.

Always a solution to every drama if you look for it.

HeidiKat · 27/12/2011 09:27

OP I think YANBU about your niece's behaviour and your brother's response, she is 6 ffs not a toddler, should be old enough to suck it up and be in the photo even if she was in a mood. Your brother is teaching her that being a brat gets her own way and what is he going to do next year to avoid the christmas present tantrum, get her twice as much as her brother? He is heading down a dangerous path, especially if he has a background of giving in to her.

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 27/12/2011 09:27

Good idea, trois Grin

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