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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU re huffing child response?

201 replies

rootietootie · 27/12/2011 01:19

Long story short, on Christmas day all five children and five grandchildren were at my mums house. This is a very rare occurrence that we are all the same house at the same time so mum wanted a photo of us all. Just at that moment brothers DD1 (6) went into a major huff (I think this had been off and on all morning) due to the fact that she thought her younger brother got a better xmas present. Due to huffing she refused to speak to anyone or come to get her photo taken. I cant stress the importance of everyone being in the photo for my mum. Mum tried to persuade her to come through but was rudely ignored. My brothers response? Just leave her. No discipline. Just leave her. Photo was taken without her and mum is really really disappointed, it kind of defeated the purpose of taking the photo iyswim. Im just so shocked at my brothers attitude towards it. Someone please come along and tell me the logic and purpose to his response because I dont understand it.

OP posts:

changingnicknameforxmas · 27/12/2011 18:28

Cheerfulyank - the thing is, the child could be right. We don't know - the op said the strop had been going on a while - we just don't know and I don't think kids are performing dogs to be made to do stuff.

It was important to the OP's mother to have the photo.

It was important to the child to have the toy.

Both have been upset.

Both have (potentially) valid POV's

Why does the adult trump the child?

tigerlillyd02 · 27/12/2011 18:31

changingnicknameformas that's a whole side issue on not teaching your children to be grateful for what they have rather than what they don't. Had that lesson been taught to you, you wouldn't be so bothered. My younger sister sometimes had more than I did, especially when it came to birthdays. She had a May birthday - mine was just after christmas. So whilst she got spoilt, I got very little. Did I huff and strop over it? No. I understood about money and the reality of the world. I understood parents feelings and learned to accept that things aren't just handed to you on a plate. I also learned that you cannot have everything that another person has and whatever I did have, I was still luckier than the majority of the world.

And guess who turned out the better person, rather than the spoilt, selfish 'I want it all my way or no way' type of person who will tread all over anyone in any way at all as long as they get what they want, with no consideration whatsoever for other peoples feelings?

Aside from all that, it has nothing to do with posing for a photo. I'd have been made to pose for a photo too. A simple 'look' would have done the trick and I'd have known I was overstepping the mark. Am I emotionally damaged? No! In fact, I think I cope with life problems a lot better than those who have been allowed to have their own way and pandered to all their lives.

CheerfulYank · 27/12/2011 18:34

I understand that Spiderpig.

In this case I think the adult trumps the child because part of growing up is realizing that you can feel any way you want and are perfectly within your rights to...however, it's how you act that matters. And occasionally you have to do things you don't want to do, especially if your feelings are ungrateful.

I think likening the situation to a "performing dog" is a bit much. All she had to do was stand there. I do not agree with parents who are always asking their children to dance or recite or "show people how clever they are!" But standing there for three seconds even when you're upset because someone got a better toy in your opinion, is not asking too much of a six year old.

changingnicknameforxmas · 27/12/2011 18:36

Tigerlily - you are actually wrong in your assessment of me. Please feel free to read my thread in AIBU about how my family treat me before you assume I am some sort of ungrateful bitch.

SantasStrapon · 27/12/2011 18:37

Well, firstly as it's the OP's brother's DD I would have thought that if she felt the present situation was unfair, she would have said. As it would be relevant. And secondly, I wouldn't allow a 6 year old's huff to dominate a day that was important to her Grandmother. An old lady who wants a photograph of her whole family together because it is a rare event.

That's why.

The photo would have taken all of 5 minutes out of a whole day. Ten minutes of calm reasoning with a 6 year old child should have sorted it out. If the child had been taught to calm itself, and not carry a bloody tantrum on all day.

CheerfulYank · 27/12/2011 18:41

Changingnickname I believe you. There is horrid favoritism in some families and I'm very sorry for what happened to you. (Haven't read your other thread yet)

However, I think it's far more likely that the child in question is just being stroppy. And as Strapon said, the adult's wishes trump the child's in this case because the grandmother rarely has her entire family together for a picture.

MynameisnotEarl · 27/12/2011 18:49

I wouldn't allow a 6 year old's huff to dominate a day that was important to her Grandmother.

Exactly.

tigerlillyd02 · 27/12/2011 18:50

changingnicknamesforxmas I apologise - I was actually referring to the way my sister is now as an adult and the differences in how we were treated as children and a comparison between us 2 now. I didn't mean at all that you're selfish and would do anything to anyone to get your own way. I can see how it came across that way but did not mean it that way.

I just simply picked up on what you said about your brothers getting more than you which is why I said you shouldn't be so bothered (about the presents). Of course I know no back history to your story in the way you've been treated as a person and was saying it purely in the respect of presents alone.

YonderRevoltingPeasantWhoIsHe · 27/12/2011 18:52

Cheerful for all I was weighing in on the other side a page or two back, I think there is every chance you are right. I think tbf it was things like the OP saying that her mum would rather have had even an upset child in the photo than not that got several people's backs up - it just sounded quite dismissive of the little girl.

Yuuule · 27/12/2011 18:59

"Ten minutes of calm reasoning with a 6 year old child should have sorted it out. "

Not necessarily. And anyway they didn't have 10mins - "No other chance, they had to leave 5 mins later." so it really was last minute.

exoticfruits · 27/12/2011 19:07

I wouldn't allow a 6 year old's huff to dominate a day that was important to her Grandmother

Which is why I would ignore it. All of you are assuming that the DC will just do as they are told, if they are told firmly. If they were reasonable they wouldn't have gone into a huff in the first place. I would avoid confrontation, unless you know for a fact that you are going to win, quickly and easily, without it dominating the day.

CheerfulYank · 27/12/2011 19:07

I see what you mean Yonder. :)

I feel that an obviously distressed child in a photo is one thing, but one who just looks a bit put out over not getting the toy someone else did is another. We've all got photos where someone looks slightly cat's bum, don't we? :o

Yuuule · 27/12/2011 19:10

I agree with exotic

cheerful how would you get the huffing child to pose for a photo?

exoticfruits · 27/12/2011 19:16

I would love to know how anyone would get a really stroppy DC into a photo-not an amenable, people pleaser, but one who would cut off their nose to spite their face.

SantasStrapon · 27/12/2011 19:17

Yuuule, OP also says that the huff had been going on, on and off, all day. Plenty of time to sit down and reason with the child.

If the huff had been going on all day, on and off, ignoring it obviously wasn't working. Yes, I'd have put a DD in the photo, and in years to come I would have expected her to take any pisstaking in good grace.

CheerfulYank · 27/12/2011 19:20

She was not being "really stroppy" though, she was just being pouty from what the OP said. So not screaming or rolling around on the floor or whatever.

Yuule I'd get everyone else in place with the camera at the ready, then pick her up and keep her on my lap or someone else's for the three seconds it would take for the photo to be taken.

strictlovingmum · 27/12/2011 19:23

I am also shocked at your brothers attitude, 6 year old in a huff, and spoiling it for everybody, refusing to comply and nothing is done about it, give the girl another six years, and then your brother will fully understand where he went very wrong visa vis early childhood discipline.
No, I would not force her to take a picture, I would actually say to her "We don't want you in this picture for Nana, cos you are being horrid", but I also would not allow her to get away with it, sit at the table with rest of us in that kind of mood, your brother tolerating something like that to his DD translates as "This behaviour is acceptable and OK", OP be grateful she is not yours.

SantasStrapon · 27/12/2011 19:26

I'd do exactly the same as Cheerful, but then I already know she and I are on the same page in child rearing.

exoticfruits · 27/12/2011 19:29

Just as devil's advocate-possibly brother knew she would cry etc.

I don't think that we know enough about it. We would need to know more about his general parenting methods and his DD.

Yuuule · 27/12/2011 19:29

Picking up quickly and whisking into the photo might work but then again it might have escalated a huff into stroppiness.

SantasStrapon · 27/12/2011 19:31

Yes, but Granny would have got her photo, child would have learnt she can't get her own way all the time, and as they were leaving in 5 minutes the only people to suffer anymore from her behaviour would be her parents.

Yuuule · 27/12/2011 19:32

Again I agree with Exotic.

I think we don't have enough information generally.
I also think a fuss has been made about nothing by op. Surely, if her parents have had 5 children they know how children can be at times.

exoticfruits · 27/12/2011 19:34

I have only ever done one thing with sulkers and huffers and pretend not to notice-anything else is giving them the attention they are looking for.
Making a big deal over a picture is making her dominate.
I'm sure that had they done it without her and then Grandma said 'and now everyone in the photo gets a chocolate' or everyone in the photo gets to play...... or similar would have her suggesting they did another with her in it!

I don't know the DC, but if you did, as an adult, I'm sure that you could outwit them rather than making it a battle.

GnomeDePlume · 27/12/2011 20:15

I have just reread the OP. The 6 year old did not spoil the day. All that happened was that at the moment someone decided that the photo should be taken the 6 year old was upset.

We only have the OP's rather jaundiced view on what and why.

I probably have more sympathy for 6 year old and DB. My own mother is always waiting until the last possible moment to say that she would like a group photo. Never has the sense to do it earlier. We are in a hurry and just want to get going, DCs are tired. For some reason the result is always disappointing.

Always much more sensible to do it earlier but DM never thinks of it and TBH the rest of us dont particularly want the photo so dont suggest it.

SantasStrapon · 27/12/2011 20:26

Due to huffing she refused to speak to anyone or come to get her photo taken

It had been on and off all morning too.

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