Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re huffing child response?

201 replies

rootietootie · 27/12/2011 01:19

Long story short, on Christmas day all five children and five grandchildren were at my mums house. This is a very rare occurrence that we are all the same house at the same time so mum wanted a photo of us all. Just at that moment brothers DD1 (6) went into a major huff (I think this had been off and on all morning) due to the fact that she thought her younger brother got a better xmas present. Due to huffing she refused to speak to anyone or come to get her photo taken. I cant stress the importance of everyone being in the photo for my mum. Mum tried to persuade her to come through but was rudely ignored. My brothers response? Just leave her. No discipline. Just leave her. Photo was taken without her and mum is really really disappointed, it kind of defeated the purpose of taking the photo iyswim. Im just so shocked at my brothers attitude towards it. Someone please come along and tell me the logic and purpose to his response because I dont understand it.

OP posts:
ScarlettIsWalking · 27/12/2011 09:27

What claudia said - I would have been extremely strong with dd about this. She is 6 yo not 18m!

ivykaty44 · 27/12/2011 09:28
  • can you not get a photo of the dc and get someone with knowledge of photoshop to put her face and body into the photo for your dear mum?

This would be a lovely thing to do for your mum to make the photo complete

DaisySteiner · 27/12/2011 09:32

Why couldn't your mum just have waited til she had cheered up a bit before taking one? Confused

Backtobedlam · 27/12/2011 09:39

I find it really annoying when people seem more intent on capturing a photo than actually enjoying being together. Surely it's more important to have a nice day and all enjoy it rather than forcing lo's to pose for photos? I personally don't really like having my picture taken and would much rather a natural photo of people having a good time than a forced 'perfect family' photo. I would probably have done the same as your brother, Christmas for me is all about the children and them having a nice time.

BlueFergie · 27/12/2011 09:42

Sorry op I had gone to bed so didn't see your question last night. In response of course i enforce certain things with DD, in fact most things, but I was responding to this specific incident. I would not force her into a photo she did not want to be in. Nor would I make her do a song because granny wanted to or hug/kiss someone if she wasn't happy to. I do not believe in the principal that what an adult wants automatically take precedence over what a child wants. I would encourage her and explain that granny would like it ultimately I would not have forced her.

Chundle · 27/12/2011 09:44

So she wasn't crying but just huffy and being a brat about a xmas pressie?? Then yes I would've dragged her into the pic . Yanbu

callmemrs · 27/12/2011 09:51

Agree 100% with backtobedlam. It's a pet hate of mine too- people who are more concerned with capturing a staged photo, or taking a video rather than living the moment.
A far better idea would have been for a whole series of naturalistic photos to be taken throughout the day, capturing things as they actually happened rather than pressganging everyone into a group photo. Granny could then be presented with a whole book of photos of the day.

Anyone with experience of families knows these 'set piece' group shots rarely work. Even if the child hadn't been in a mood, you can guarantee someone would be blinking/ looking away/ picking their nose. Far better to have a book of nice natural shots, which would also bring back more memories of the day too

chocablock · 27/12/2011 09:58

Absolutely agree rootietootie. Yes there would have been an almighty meltdown but children must be taught that going into a huff does not mean they will get their own way. Your brother should have told her to get her backside into the photo right now!!

Triggles · 27/12/2011 09:58

OP, you're saying that some were leaving about 5 minutes later so it had to be taken then. But honestly, would it have killed them to wait another 10-15 minutes to leave to allow her time to calm down and then get her on board for the picture?

Yes, it's frustrating when children don't cooperate with pictures, but if it's been a chaotic holiday day (like most family get togethers are), she was probably worn out and crabby from it all. Can't really blame her, I sometimes felt that way after family gatherings as well.

And goodness, nothing brings out the judgey pants about parenting skills like family gatherings!! His parenting style is different than yours. Get over it. You may not like it, but that's really too bad. It's not your decision. I don't think it's very clever to be "deflecting" criticism of their children's behaviour to their parenting - it's rude and condescending. How would you like it if he made negative comments about your parenting skills to acquaintances? Maybe calling you "militant and uncaring"? The best response would be to refuse to discuss it with acquaintances, as it's simply hurtful gossip.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 27/12/2011 10:01

My child would have got a telling off for chucking a tantrum because she thought her brother got a better present. Is she generally a spoilt little madam?

Agree thought about better her not being in the photo than being in it and ruining it.

spiderpig8 · 27/12/2011 12:05

I would have just carried her, sat her on m y knee and tickled her had I been your DB.
But a better idea why don't you all get together and get a nice portrait of all of you together as a present for your mum's birthday.All in your best clothes and at a time when everyone is less fraught. The cost split 5 ways should be affordable.

exoticfruits · 27/12/2011 12:19

A fascinating thread with such different responses!
I would have ignored the DD altogether, any attempt to jolly or force her is giving her attention. She wouldn't sulk for long if no one pays the slightest attention and you could do the photo later. Failing that, do the photo without and photoshop her in later. The camera lies these days.

clam · 27/12/2011 12:24

I've just realised we're talking about a 6 year old here, not a toddler.
YANBU.

TamIAm · 27/12/2011 12:34

Children are people, first and foremost, and deserving of all of the respect that adults do - and more protection besides because they just don't have the capacity to contain their own emotions.

I have no idea if the little girl involved was being a little snot, is generally a spoiled so and so, or if she was feeling some genuine and reasonable emotions in response to a situation that you perhaps only knew a small amount about (ie there might be something going on for her that created that reaction, so that it appeared to be unreasonable, but in fact, might not have been). However, regardless of which of the above it was - she has the right to say 'no' to having her photograph taken. I know that there are times when I just can't find it in me to put on a happy face and smile for a camera - and at those times I don't think I'm being unreasonable to request that, say, my MIL doesn't take my photo. If she was so disrespectful to ignore my request and take my photo anyway, I would probably be quite angry and upset.

So, whilst I understand the disappointment of not having that 'perfect' photo - I do think that you may be being a little unreasonable in your expectation that a 6 year old put aside her (perhaps very valid) frustration and hurt in order to smile for somebody else's photo. That was your mum's agenda - but clearly not the little girl's. Nor necessarily should it have been.

4madboys · 27/12/2011 12:36

we have the same issue sometimes, 5 kids so getting them all to sit and have a picture taken can be a complete pita, we dont do it very often at all, i would rather just take pictures of them getting on and doing their own stuff and enjoying themselves than forced family shots.

yesterday my parents visited and wanted to get a pic of ds4 with his new lots bear (it was impossible to buy here so was sent over by a relative from america) hence wanting a pic of him and bear to send to tehm! well he DID not want his pic takenm hands over his face, drama etc, in the end we ignored him adn then later sneakily got a pic when he was happy watching a film whilst cuddling said bear, problem solved.

i dont like having my own pic taken and depending on the circumstances i wont force my kids to ahve theirs taken. we take loads anyway and sometimes we can cajole them into having one, others it will be meltdown and its not worth it. the best pics are always those spur of hte moment ones with no planning anyway!

YonderRevoltingPeasantWhoIsHe · 27/12/2011 12:57

Hmmm this is a tough one!

tbh she sounds like hard work, having a tantrum/ huff because she hadn't got the present she wanted. I think I would have words about that.

But.... I also really hate the idea that kids are like performing seals who have to be on call all the time. I mean, if you had just had a stupid Christmas Day argument with your partner or something, would you have wanted MIL taking a photo two minutes afterwards with your arm around DP? Even if you had been unreasonable? It seems very obviously calculated to upset her further.

When I was a kid I really hated being hissed at to get into position, maybe right next to my sister when I'd just had a minor spat with her, or in some stupid pose, for someone else's gratification. If you'd be happy for MIL to take a family photo right after you'd had a silly argument, then YANBU, but otherwise....

Eggrules · 27/12/2011 13:08

My DPs expect a group photo opportunity every time we get together and it drives me mad. They expect just siblings and parents and it doesn't matter how public the place is - I totally refuse to take part anymore.

I am quite strict but this is one area that I wouldn't expect my DS to comply. If he was up for a group photo then fine; if not fine too.

zookeeper · 27/12/2011 13:31

and I think your mum is being unreasonable to being" really really disappointed. "

EdithWeston · 27/12/2011 13:36

This isn't a "performing seal" moment, FFS. It's normal social behaviour - taking a couple of minutes to pose for a shot that will please everyone.

Instead, we have a schoolgirl having a tantrum and refusing to join in a perfectly ordinary thing, thus putting her tantrum above the wishes of all others.

I would be absolutely mortified if one of my DCs did this. By the time they are in year 1 or 2 as this child must be, then they should have learned that the world does not revolve around them.

busybusybust · 27/12/2011 13:40

Oh, this brings back memories of many years ago - but I still laugh at the photos.

I decided to take the 3 dcs to a photographer for a session, which would result (I was sure) in a lovely picture of my gorgeous children for all the rellies for Christmas.

Mmmmmmm............

I stupidly decided to wash and blow dry DD's hair (she was 6) - now I knew that blowdrying hair caused meltdown in said daughter!!!

To cut a long story short - I have lots of lovely pics of both DSs with the added bonus of a red-eyed DD scowling!!!!

So.... no lovely pics for the rellies - but I just love the pics now (25 years on!!)

So, if you are in the same position - take the pics of whatever child having a meltdown - I promise you, you will enjoy it in 25 years' time!

YonderRevoltingPeasantWhoIsHe · 27/12/2011 13:43

Edith, I don't know - I don't think wanting everyone in a photo is 'sealish' but I think the timing is.

Really, let's say you had just had an argument with someone - it happens to the best of us!! - wouldn't you think it was rather tactless if someone tried to force you into a photo a moment afterwards whilst you were still upset?

I kind of agree with you about the preciousness of it, but I also hate the whole forced group photo thing. I mean, let's be honest, it ISN'T a photo that will please everyone - the little girl, e.g......

TamIAm · 27/12/2011 13:44

I would dispute that having a photo taken is 'normal social behaviour'.

Not taking her anger out on other people is normal social behaviour.

Being told to pretend that she isn't upset/frustrated/disappointed/angry/whatever and put on a happy face for the benefit of somebody else - in which she has no stake or interest - IS expecting her to put on a performance. I don't see how anybody could think differently.

And gosh, I'm a bit surprised at the number of people who are expecting entirely rational and logical, and emotionally in-control behaviour from 6 year olds. :/

exoticfruits · 27/12/2011 13:58

And gosh, I'm a bit surprised at the number of people who are expecting entirely rational and logical, and emotionally in-control behaviour from 6 year olds

Especially when a lot of adults can't manage it!

eragon · 27/12/2011 14:02

we decided one year to get a professional photo of all of my mil's 10 grandchildren.

it took a lot to organise, and to get our kids clean, and tidy and at the studio at the time.

however at the last min my neice 6 said she wasnt going to do it. and so my sil said that's ok instantly as ' if she doesnt want to do anything then she isnt to be forced.'

we got 9 children in the photo, and the first thing mil said was wheres ? and her face fell. its still after a many years an expensive, disappointing photo, mil solved the problem by hanging up small photos next to the very large professional one. but everytime you look at it the first thing you see is the missing gap next to her sister. This was a once only time photo , as our mil is no longer with us. I would have loved a copy of this photo if all the children were in it.

YonderRevoltingPeasantWhoIsHe · 27/12/2011 14:03

Eragon it is a bit different if it's a planned event. This was something that admittedly no one thought of till the last minute, suggested directly after a difficult emotional conversation (it seems).