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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give a lot of what my dc received for christmas away to charity?

165 replies

Barbielovesken · 26/12/2011 23:39

We have been blessed with a large, kind and generous family (on both sides) who adore our dc and who continuously choose to spoil them rotten at Christmas.

I am extremely grateful for this and got a bit teary eyed at how lucky our dc are when I looked at the amount of presents under the tree this Christmas eve.

This year is our first as a family of 5 as dc 3 is only 6 months so despite always receiving so much, this year really rang through as the volume of presents for 3 was staggering.

To put into perspective, I'd roughly estimate that each child had received 25 presents (not including Santa coming who brought "big" ones). I'm not talking small presents either - whole farm sets with barns and tractors and figures, baby alive dolls (2!!!), laptop (worth €70 as I bought one for dd last year).

I genuinely don't mean this to sound boastful and hope it doesn't come across this way but am trying to paint a true picture. I sat in our sitting room yesterday morn and couldn't see the floor and despite being so appreciative of our families kindness couldn't help but think the whole thing was vulgar, over the top and insane particularly considering how much other children have gone without this year due to the recession etc.

So I bagged about 17 unopened (boxed) toys and hid them in the wardrobe with the intention of giving them to charity/ next years toy appeals. My children have yet to notice as they have so much they don't know where to look or what to play with tight now.

I've had a massive argument with my mil this afternoon when dh (stupidly) told her this and she has stayed that I'm cruel and nasty and ungrateful that I've taken my dc's presents away.

I take her point that other people have kindly bought these things for my dc but she says I have no right to give them away because of this - AIBU?

My oldest (6) understands that others aren't as lucky as she is and happily donated new toys before Xmas so I can't see it being a problem.

OP posts:
Crabapple99 · 26/12/2011 23:41

its really hard, you can't really give away what has been given to your DC by other people, but i see exactly where you are coming from

moondog · 26/12/2011 23:43

I've done this many times and my kids receive nowhere near that amount.
I think your MIL is out of order. It's your decision not hers.
When a house is oveerflowing with toys, they are unappreciated.

Why don't you tell people not to buy for your kids?

squeakytoy · 26/12/2011 23:44

Here... I dont often do this.. in fact it is a rarity... but have this Biscuit

Your children may have got a lot, but to each individual that took the effort to go and buy that gift, and wrap it, that is an insult.

Molehillmountain · 26/12/2011 23:44

I think it's hard to do for children who remember what they've received. I think it's fine for younger ones. The thing you shouldn't do is discuss it with anyone who's actually given a gift. Mil might have been upset at the idea her gift might be given away.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 26/12/2011 23:45

Althought it's very generous of your family, it does seem almost as if some grandparents are self-indulgent in spoiling their grandchildren and don't give any thought to whether or not there is room in the house for all the new toys!

YANBU. Surely your MIL isn't expecting you to just keep all the duplicate presents?

LisaD1 · 26/12/2011 23:47

I think YABU, I totally get why you think it a good idea but imagine how you would feel if you were:

A) the person that spent time, effort and hard earned money buying the gift
B) the child who received the gift only to have it given away.

We have 2 DD's who want for nothing and are thoroughly spoiled by their family, every year BEFORE Christmas they clear out their toyboxes and wardrobes and give that away to charity. They enjoy doing it and it makes room for all the new toys/clothes.

My parents spend the whole year buying things to give the children for Christmas, they go way over the top every year but they would be so so upset if we just gave it all away.

2kidsintow · 26/12/2011 23:47

If I gave someone a gift for their DCs and found out it had been taken off them even before it was opened I think I would be a bit Xmas Shock too, tbh. However, having spent today sorting out room for the presents mine have received (10 things from Santa, 2 from us, 1 from my DDs to each other, then about another 5 things from my family) I do see where you are coming from re the excess of the season... and they have yet to receive gifts from my over generous MIL yet as she is still on holiday.

I'd let them open them, then remove the ones that they show no interest in after a little while.

My Dsis had a set of large stacking boxes for her DDs toys when she was little. The boxes were stacked and rotated weekly. Her rule was that only the toys in one box were played with at a time, unless her DD specifically asked for a particular toy.

It didn't suit me as a system, but did mean that by the time my DN got bored of playing with something it was time to swap boxes and a whole new set of toys was on offer.

Kayano · 26/12/2011 23:48

If I gave a Dec a present and found out later that their parent had actually hidden it and not allowed the Dc to even see it I would actually be very Angry pissed off

I always put a lot of thought into presents and would have debated what best to get for each child in relation to their age/ interest

Was it all stuff other people had gotten them or some of your gifts? I actually think its very UR

Molehillmountain · 26/12/2011 23:48

Also squeaky, the way I would look at it is that it's equally insulting for someone to have given a toy that's not used because they've had so much. I would always rather someone returned or regifted my presents, although I'd probably not want to know about it. Regifting to charity is even better in my mind.

strikeuptheband · 26/12/2011 23:48

I can understand your MIL being annoyed TBH. Although I can understand your point, it is not a good idea to tell people that you were giving toys away if they were the people who gave some of the toys.

Original poster
Barbielovesken · 26/12/2011 23:49

Thanks all, moondog I have asked them not to as they have so much their playroom and bedrooms are currently overflowing. People ignore though as really, they are just been kind.

Dc don't remember what they've received - there was that much- as I said, they haven't noticed the missing ones - at all.

I wasn't going to say a thing - dh stupidly said it in passing.

Oh damn. Maybe I am bu Blush I've a terrible tendency of over thinking things and despite genuinely appreciating the position my dc are in, can't help but get upset about the position others are finding themselves in...

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 26/12/2011 23:49

I can see your POV (thinking yours have so much when others have so little) but I do actually think it's rude to give their presents away. People have taken the time (and money) to buy a present for each of your children that they want them to have. I would put some of them away and bring them out through the year. Also rotating boxes of toys - this can work for older kids too if you involve them in the process.

bakingno4 · 26/12/2011 23:50

YaNbu, your husband was U for telling your mil :-/

KurriKurri · 26/12/2011 23:52

I understand you feel overwhelmed by this volume of gifts - it does sound an awful lot. But IMO the time to address the problem was before Christmas, that was when you should have asked people to
a) not give gifts
b) give a joint family gift
c)give a donation to charity if they want to give something.

By leaving it until after the day, you have taken away people's choice -which might have been not to give anything to your DC, and spend more on other children, or donate to a charity of their choosing.

Whilst in a practical sense, I think children do get overwhelmed with presents, and I applaud your idea of allowing other children to benefit from them, the gift givers might be offended because they have already spent time and money on something, when you could have spoken to them pre-Christmas.

suburbophobe · 26/12/2011 23:52

I think it is a great idea cos it is spreading the love, teaching your children not to attach to material things and also saying to the MIL that you will not be manipulated with "gifts".

You might be lucky in that MIL and family get the message for next year.

KurriKurri · 26/12/2011 23:54

oops x-posed with you saying you did ask people not to give gifts. In that case I think yanbu, because you've been ignored.

Original poster
Barbielovesken · 26/12/2011 23:56

Sorry - I didn't make it clear Blush my dc unwrapped everything and seen everything but there wad literally loads, the toys I've hid - they've seen but simply don't remember as they are still overwhelmed over the amount that's left. They haven't noticed at all that they are gone. Only the laptop - Santa brought it for dd1 last year so I asked her did she want to exchange it for something else or keep it for next years toy appeal and she said appeal.

I do take everyone's point though over the time, effort and money though. Our family are too kind.

OP posts:
sassyminder · 26/12/2011 23:57

You should tell people how you feel about your children getting so many presents and ask them to control themselves and limit those numbers suggesting they can spend less money on presents and donating to charity on your children behalf if they feel they havent spent much on them.
You could donate your own money too you know?

ViviPrudolf · 27/12/2011 00:01

I've nieces/nephews/godchildren/friends kids etc coming out of my ears and I'd be mortified to think that a gift I'd given to a child had been given away without even being opened by the child.

HOWEVER, if a parent said in November, 'Thank you for the lovely such-and-such you bought for so-and-so last Christmas, but this year we're having a bit of a gift amnesty, for X reasons, I hope you understand' I'd think thank f**k for that, one less thing to buy respect and honour that request. If you've honestly made it very clear, I mean told them like you really mean it and people have still bought gifts, then YANBU for taking the presents away.

OTOH, if you just casually mentioned it in passing to people without pressing on them that you mean it, then YABU to do it this year.

Tryharder · 27/12/2011 00:02

I think you are being very unreasonable to give away brand new gifts that have been chosen specifically for your children by people who love them.

Don't know if this has already been pointed out, but why not donate old toys to make room for new ones?

ViviPrudolf · 27/12/2011 00:03

Xpost, after OPs latest post, I omit the "without even being opened by the child" part from my post. I'd still be mortified if it was opened then taken away.

Original poster
Barbielovesken · 27/12/2011 00:04

kurtikurri the recession has hit very hard over here this year and there was a massive toy appeal as genuinely some children were going to wake up to nothing Christmas morning, my dd1 (other 2 are babies) choose to donate some expensive new toys we had bought her for Christmas all by herself for which I was very proud.

Dh told me mil wouldn't consider this - they are extremely generous and have told me they set a €300 budget for each of their GC which I think is just crude (despite recognising the good intention) I have asked her on numerous occasions to buy my dc 1 gift each (if she really wants to) and to donate the rest but she refuses (dh told me she doesn't think about things like this, despite them queuing for meat for Xmas one year as small kids - she's a charity begins and ends at home type)

She clearly spent €300 on our 6 month old despite get having loads of baby toys from her older brother and sister

OP posts:
Original poster
Barbielovesken · 27/12/2011 00:07

Sassy I've donated €150 worth of toys, €200 in cash and a food hamper this year despite struggling a bit due to the recession. My dh and I forgo presents and donated instead. I've sat in my office and cried listing to reports on the appeals

OP posts:
Original poster
Barbielovesken · 27/12/2011 00:07

On the radio..

OP posts:
dixiechick1975 · 27/12/2011 00:09

Think main thing i'd concentrate on is avoiding a repeat.

People obviously do want to buy for your children.

Could you try and ask for things like family membership to a zoo or museum next year.

Maybe if you do thank you's with photos of your kids surrounded by presents people will realise just how many they got.

Could all the extra's/duplicates go to MIL's house to be played with there?

I do take things from DD and regift or donate to charity if it is unsuitable or a duplicate. I have done that this year and she hasn't noticed - she is 5. I hate when stuff has been opened and not played with - would rather give it away boxed.