To give a lot of what my dc received for christmas away to charity?

[Barbielovesken]

We have been blessed with a large, kind and generous family (on both sides) who adore our dc and who continuously choose to spoil them rotten at Christmas.

I am extremely grateful for this and got a bit teary eyed at how lucky our dc are when I looked at the amount of presents under the tree this Christmas eve.

This year is our first as a family of 5 as dc 3 is only 6 months so despite always receiving so much, this year really rang through as the volume of presents for 3 was staggering.

To put into perspective, I'd roughly estimate that each child had received 25 presents (not including Santa coming who brought "big" ones). I'm not talking small presents either - whole farm sets with barns and tractors and figures, baby alive dolls (2!!!), laptop (worth €70 as I bought one for dd last year).

I genuinely don't mean this to sound boastful and hope it doesn't come across this way but am trying to paint a true picture. I sat in our sitting room yesterday morn and couldn't see the floor and despite being so appreciative of our families kindness couldn't help but think the whole thing was vulgar, over the top and insane particularly considering how much other children have gone without this year due to the recession etc.

So I bagged about 17 unopened (boxed) toys and hid them in the wardrobe with the intention of giving them to charity/ next years toy appeals. My children have yet to notice as they have so much they don't know where to look or what to play with tight now.

I've had a massive argument with my mil this afternoon when dh (stupidly) told her this and she has stayed that I'm cruel and nasty and ungrateful that I've taken my dc's presents away.

I take her point that other people have kindly bought these things for my dc but she says I have no right to give them away because of this - AIBU?

My oldest (6) understands that others aren't as lucky as she is and happily donated new toys before Xmas so I can't see it being a problem.

I had this with my SiL

I still buy presents but no longer spend the same amount on my nieces from that side of the family.

I get moaned at about what I buy them but I bite my tongue and know that most of what I have bought over the years has gone to charity.

YANBU. In Ireland, for the past few years there has been a present appeal for toys and adult gifts, after Christmas. They are given to families and people who have spent Christmas in hostels and on the streets. The Pro Cathedral collects them and various parish churches around the country also participate and bring them there. Children donate toys and clothes themselves and adults tend to donate chocolates/biscuits and toiletries. I think its a fantastic idea.

Your 6 year old sounds lovely btw.

"I'm surprised that there are actually people here who would be upset/ angry/ livid (and whatever other words were used) at the thought of something they spent money on being given to a needy child instead of a child who already has the item."

I see it more as people not happy about the deception, in the way you are going about distributing peoples' gifts and money. Why not talk about it with them and negotiate if giving gifts to your kids is a good idea or not. More transparency I think is required. Why are you accepting gifts that you intend to give away?

inexcel in in Ireland and that's the appeal (St vincent de Paul) I've being talking about! (just eating, will be back)

Ah, I thought you might be

You really aren't being unreasonable then.

You are totally, totally NBU. Toys are cheap for many people, and the baby boomer generation has plenty of income. I too have 3 children and in previous years they have been spoiled too with huge (by volume and price) gifts that we have no room for, and are left unplayed with. We have some very kindhearted friends, with no children of their own who buy ours Christmas and Birthday presents every year - they obviously put lots of love and care into it, but we have more toys than the children play with and I feel uneasy that the kids are wallowing in their overabundance of toys while others don't have anything.

This year was better - lots of books and audiobooks (I don't think you can spoil a child with these), several £5 book token or gift cards, and only one lot of completely OTT gifts. We had a big clear out before Christmas and will do the same after Christmas. My family are getting the hang of what kids need as opposed to what they want, and we've had some more Oxfam unwrapped stuff this year, and the UNICEF scheme too.

Gosh hadn't seen 300euro each.

Definitely think asking to pay for an activity or membership is the way to go as the children get older.

eg giver could give the necessary equipment/clothes as a wrapped present and pay for the lessons eg ballet, swimming, whatever with that type of budget. The child can then send the giver an invite to the show/gala as a thank you.

OP I think you're doing the right thing! And i'd be happy for a gift i'd bought to be passed on to charity or even just plain regifted if the child had received such an embarassment of riches. Society is getting more and more materialistic, if your family can't rein in the spending then its down to you as 'mean mummy' to do some parenting to ensure other people's excess doesnt spoil your kids.

I think you are doing the right thing, I know that families in England are struggling, but after speaking to friends in Ireland it seems much worse there.

I personally think its an obscene amount of presents for one child (30+ if I read correctly) let alone that amount for three of them. I doubt either that these are well thought out presents, because there are so many of them. I think the family were being generous but it's too excessive, surely they could see that themselves. If MIL can't see that then she is being silly and putting her own needs before the needs of the DC - as OP stated her children are very sweet and probably wouldn't mind those presents going to charity anyway.

I would definitely be donating those presents to the charity you mentioned - those children would cherish even just a couple of toys - toys that your DC won't even notice are missing. Happy children all round.

yanbu, we are in the same situation, mil is affectionarily called 'grandma shopaholic'. but she is cool about presents being thrown out or going to charity.

Let your DC receive the presents they have been given, and in 6-12 months time, give away the stuff they don't play with.

And then get this situation sorted before any more birthdays/Xmases.

Draw up a list and tell family to buy from it - otherwise the gifts WILL be given to charity.

Thanks again everyone reindeer - that's exactly what I am trying (not very well) to say.

Things are terribly bad here, really bad. In a country that was beyond booming a few short years ago, children are now being sent to school without lunch. Domestic violence, marriage breakdowns and suicide rates have gone through the roof - presumably down to the financial stress so many are experiencing right now. I know it's not the be all and end all but I defy anyone to tell me that having nothing to offer your dc Xmas morning wouldn't add to the level of upset and stress.

I will buy for the toy appeal next year, one toy is matched to one child by age - but if I keep the 17 toys that I know will go unplayed with/ unappreciated in this house then that's 17 extra children who will receive a gift next Xmas morning. There were apparently over 800 calls made to St vincent de Paul on the Thursday before Christmas in the Dublin area alone asking for a toy. Many of these people were embarrassed as they have never been in this position before.

So, problem solved (IMO- I know many of you disagree), I brought my dd1 up to my bedroom and showed her the toys, asked her if there was anything (if all) that she wanted to keep and whatever she didn't want she could give them to St vincents like this year. I told her they were hers to do as she pleased with and I didn't mind regardless. She said she has enough and wants to give them away. Many of them are her brothers and sisters (but either duplicates or very close to items they already have) and as they are too little to decide (despite expecting a lynching now) I'm giving them away regardless.

So yep - decision made - I've taken 17 toys so they've 84 left (excluding the mound they owned before Xmas).

I was considering putting my DSs gifts on ebay this year
Reading this, I wont start an AIBU thread about it now...!

I dont think YABU btw :)

That's very wise rocking

I will speak frankly here - I think you should have warned people first not to spend much, coordinate who was getting what, etc. It's all very well you getting on your moral high horse now that people have already spent money on things they want your DC to enjoy. You could cause a lot of hurt by doing this even if ultimately you are well-intentioned. Why don't you take back your own large gifts that "Santa" brought and let them enjoy what the relatives wanted to see them enjoy and play with?

I know just how you feel, when my one year old received over 16 expensive gifts from one set of gparents a few years back, he cried. Later we drew up the rules! Its one gift now with an upper limit, any further need to splurge can go in bank accounts. We have explained they will need money for uni or a trip round the world when they grow. They do not need any more toys. I love most the people who give them a small amount of cash each birthday /christmas. We always write thank you notes explaining that money will hopefully support studying or some time exploring the world.
Is it unreasonable, yes, make sure next year is clear cut, take a photo of this years gifts.it will help people understand.

allhora because the gifts Santa bought were the gifts that my dc picked from the toy catalogues/ wrote their letters for and were toys they really wanted.

I wouldnt give these away as I wouldn't gave away anything they actually wanted regardless who bought them. Do you really think I should give away the 2 gifts they asked for and keep duplicates of toys they already have so I don't offend anyone?

I have repeatedly asked people not to by for them or if they had to, to buy books but no one listens

As someone who's dc's have no one at all to buy for them-no grandparents,aunts etc, just DH and I, I find this hard to get my head around. What I would give for my children to have just one visitor, one present from someone other than me,someone to fuss over them and treat them...... maybe I should give you my address

For this reason, I don't buy my grandchildren toys. They have far too much so I buy them really nice clothes for both birthdays and christmas (and Easter!). When they are older, I may change this habit but for now, they almost don't fit in their own rooms because of the amount of toys they have. Could I give presents away? I think the sentiment is a nice one but would find it difficult to give the gifts away.

It's a crazy situation, OP, and I don't blame you at all. If only your husband had kept quiet!

I'm staggered at the number of people who think old toys should be chucked in favour of the new ones. Old toys are often old favourites, aren't they? If a child loves playing with a particular toy, it's cruel to send it to charity so that she can play with a newer toy.

On a practical level, OP, would the relatives notice that their presents were AWOL?

It would be horribly meanspirited, selfish and ungrateful of you. I would be devastated if someone gave the presents I bought them to charity. I would say, in the light of what you MIL said, that you would be very spiteful and ruining your relationship if you carry on with your plan of giving them away.

I don't blame you, but I think you are in danger of offending an awful lot of people. Give your children their half the gifts now; half next summer so there's a toy rotation going on. Then at the beginning of December next year, have an utterly ruthless clear out.

DS got a massive amount too; but 2 weeks ago I gave away loads of his stuff to the local children's centre; who were hugely grateful. Some of it was barely used I showed him all his presents, but have bunged quite a few upstairs for later on next year when we're skint and he's bored!

Ohdearnigel - OP's MIL is intent on spending a large wedge of cash on toys, despite OP asking her not to. The children involved cannot comprehend the amount of new toys they've received and therefore some toys have completely gone unnoticed.

Giving the unnoticed toys to charity is anything but horribly mean spirited and selfish - its actually very sweet, kind and is actually the bloody meaning of Christmas - sharing with those less fortunate. I think the MIL is quite daft to be wasting that amount of money on toys but seen as though she won't be told I think it's nice that children with no toys will benefits from the OP's children's excess.

If you are going to donate then why not to a women shelter where the kids need things now( never mind next Christmas)

Seems daft to have loads of unwanted presents that will go unplayed with.

Hopefully the people who are pissed off will think about how you ate going to store the toys instead of spending for the sake of spending

My family and friends are also completely over the top. I've managed to get some of them to buy things like pyjamas and knickers and socks (all of which they absolutely love) rather than more plastic tat toys, but I can't get through to a hardcore of them.

I put some things aside unopened and give it to local women's and homeless shelters the following xmas so they can give it to the children staying there. I also re-gift unsuitable (i.e. too old/ young) presents to other children for birthdays during the year. I refuse to feel bad about it, because I've been quite blunt about how I feel about all of the presents and it mostly falls on deaf ears.