To give a lot of what my dc received for christmas away to charity?

[Barbielovesken]

We have been blessed with a large, kind and generous family (on both sides) who adore our dc and who continuously choose to spoil them rotten at Christmas.

I am extremely grateful for this and got a bit teary eyed at how lucky our dc are when I looked at the amount of presents under the tree this Christmas eve.

This year is our first as a family of 5 as dc 3 is only 6 months so despite always receiving so much, this year really rang through as the volume of presents for 3 was staggering.

To put into perspective, I'd roughly estimate that each child had received 25 presents (not including Santa coming who brought "big" ones). I'm not talking small presents either - whole farm sets with barns and tractors and figures, baby alive dolls (2!!!), laptop (worth €70 as I bought one for dd last year).

I genuinely don't mean this to sound boastful and hope it doesn't come across this way but am trying to paint a true picture. I sat in our sitting room yesterday morn and couldn't see the floor and despite being so appreciative of our families kindness couldn't help but think the whole thing was vulgar, over the top and insane particularly considering how much other children have gone without this year due to the recession etc.

So I bagged about 17 unopened (boxed) toys and hid them in the wardrobe with the intention of giving them to charity/ next years toy appeals. My children have yet to notice as they have so much they don't know where to look or what to play with tight now.

I've had a massive argument with my mil this afternoon when dh (stupidly) told her this and she has stayed that I'm cruel and nasty and ungrateful that I've taken my dc's presents away.

I take her point that other people have kindly bought these things for my dc but she says I have no right to give them away because of this - AIBU?

My oldest (6) understands that others aren't as lucky as she is and happily donated new toys before Xmas so I can't see it being a problem.

Having said that I do understand the ops frustration at excessive gifts .

Why hasn't someone thought about Xmas lists done in stores like wedding gift lists ?

Register a list of toys that the dc would like and then family can pick one thing off the list and it can be ticked off ? Good for birthdays too

I'd get your kids to go through the gifts and say which ones he will and wont play with. I agree with giving some away to charitable causes - can your DS do this himself at a childrens hospice in january. It might be really nice to see the joy these things bring other special children. It sounds like you and him both have a big heart. Can you ask for oxfam gift goats and things next year? Explain that you recieve so much and want to help others

OP, i understand how you feel as we are facing the same 'problem' in my home. My dc's received so many presents that my ds actually fell asleep when opening his presents. I want my dc's to appreciate things.
However, i think that the way you went about it is wrong. You should have let them open the presents and after a few months gradually remove the toys, then take them to the charity shops.

YABU for all the reasons other posters have outlined.What I would do is put lots away and rotate them .Ask your family to cut back in future and if they wish to give money for the kids bank accounts.

YABVU, giving away things you have bought is upto you but if othersvhave been generous and bought gifts then for you children then they are not yours to give away.

Play the matyr with your own money not other peoples.

I think you are being mean to the present givers its as if their presents dont count , i would be miffed if i heard of somebody doing this with my presents , why dont you box up old toys and give those away to make room , and give your DC their presents back , and ask people next year to give smaller gifts ,

I think that it is unfair to do it when people have put thought into it.
I would go into first before next Christmas and cut right down. Suggest not giving presents to some people and get grandparents down to one thing.
No DC needs 25 parcels-they don't really appreciate what is in them if they have so many.

Sorry-discuss it first before next time.

I think if the present givers are really truly putting a lot of thought into their gifts, and op has already hinted at how much stuff they're getting then they would cut down on what they gave. My df always asks for stuff that gives me no joy whatsoever to buy but it does to him so that's what I give. A giant pack of photo paper this year!!!

I think the sentiment is lovely, but YABU to do it this year when people didn't know. As you have younger children, can you put away some of the stuff for your older DD for the younger 2 for next year? Then you can tell people not to buy presents at all next year as you already have loads.

It is hard if people insist on buying presents, but I would never take anything away - it's not fair. I would be livid if I gave a present which was then given away as they had 'too much'.

I can see your mils point of view. Why not give some of their old toys away.

I've said before that there is often a competition against the middle classes to see who has the smallest telly and I think the same is happening with Christmas presents too. I was at a coffee morning last Christmas and everyone was trying to outdo each other with how few presents they were getting their children for Christmas. It's boring.

Next year you will have to set groundrules and tell relatives that you don't want your children to receive presents. Because telling them that you are giving away their presents is rude and thoughtless!

The moral of this thread is to keep it to yourself what you do with gifts!

There is no point opening boxes of things that are duplicates of what you have or you know won't be played with, it is just wasteful.

This year I have taken duplicates to be used as birthday presents, one thing will go back to the shop as I don't know anyone the right age to have it as a birthday gift. Sometimes I put some cash in the child's bank account as compensation when I do this if I can afford it.

Gift recievers need to take some responsibility to manage gifts if they possibly can. My kids don't get an avalanche of toys but mainly because if people ask what they want I ask for clothes/duvet sets/kid's towels/other practical things. They would have cheap, boring versions of these if I didn't get them as presents so they are still a treat.

droves there is a gift-register service for people to make wish-lists for the dc, can't remember what it's called. My BIL and SIL use it, ask people to buy from list or give cash, have to admit don't like it, seems "grabby".

Agree with others that if the OP is serious about not wanting so much stuff she should speak with the givers and try to agree on smaller / no presents.

Also see parallels with the Oxfam goat thread - the OP is essentially deciding that others (the present givers) should give to charity, but this time unknowingly. It's quite deceitful really. If the OP says nothing, each year others will spend time and money on gifts that are unwrapped and unappreciated. Will she go so far as to send thank- you notes?

Wouldn't be surprised if MIL tells other family members about it all, surely few MILs, even the most reasonable ones not of the type often discussed on MN, could keep quiet about it?!

I do understand where you're coming from OP, but I also understand your MIL's point of view on this & I would have to agree with her that the gifts are not actually yours to give away. If your DD makes a decision that she'd like to donate some of her gifts though, that would be a different matter.

What I would think though is that if any of the presents are still boxed & unopened in a few months time that it probably would be OK to donate them as, I would think, that the DC weren't really that interested in playing with them anyway. Basically, I think it's the act of removing them immediately after they were given that was wrong - not the idea behind it.

I hope your MIL accepts the offered olive branch & understands the kind thoughts behind your actions.

YANBU OP, I'm really surprised at the number of people who say you are being unreasonable.
Firstly, your children are very young and it's up to you to decide what toys they need or like.
If they were older it would be different, you could ask them if they wanted to keep two of a duplicate/very similar toy. However, a very young child is not able to make that decision.
I would either regift or give away to charity items that are similar to what they already have. It's nothing to do with the giver, once you give a gift, it's up to the recipient what they do with it-that is the spirit a gift needs to be given, esp. as the OP has spoken to people about not buying so much.
Tbh, I rather a gift I give be appreciated and played with, rather than just lie there wasted. I wouldn't mind at all if the parent thought they could make better use of my gift, like giving it away either to charity or as a present to someone else.
The worst thing in my mind is the toy being ignored, broken, thrown away because the child does not appreciate it(and how could they if they have lots of very similar toys).
Do what you think is right in your heart OP, you obviously have good intentions and as only you know your family/situation best.

YANBU, I think it's a lovely thought. When my kids were younger and had big parties I would put most of the gifts away with their knowledge and semi consent! and bring them out on wet days etc with some going to toy appeals.

The real problem is your MIL finding out and spreading the word!

I don't think that you really are being U, I totally get where you're coming from. Fortunately our extended family have cut back and the kids are now getting older so the presents are getting smaller, but we did have a phase of both sets of grandparents going OTT. In laws still the worst, but have reined it in a bit. :)

One alternative to just giving away the stuff is to do a table top/car boot sale of the things the kids won't use / you can't store and then split the proceeds four ways between the kids' bank accounts and a charity.

It's all well and good people telling you you're being unreasonable, but if you just don't have the space for stuff what can you do? And personally I think it would be crueler to get rid of stuff the kids already have and are attached to rather than stuff they haven't yet had time to form an attachment to, if that makes sense.

I also understand where you're coming from, especially as that is a heavingly large amount of presents! but agree that they should not be given away in the fashion you were suggesting.

Perhaps instead you should give them to the children, and ask them to maybe choose one or two (or more if they feel like it!) each to donate to the appeal (especially if there are duplicates).

I was going to say, before I read the thread and the stuff about the appeal, that you could maybe bring out the excess presents on a one-a-month basis, so that each toy gets some attention and play time - but under the circumstances, perhaps not.

Am very about the comment to you that you should "play the martyr" with your own money - FFS, donating to charity appeals is not "playing the martyr"!!

But in the end, the gifts have been given to the DC so they aren't yours to dispose of willynilly. When we emigrated out to Australia, DH was going to take most of DS's christening presents down to the charity shop because he didn't want to be bothered with them - I told him they weren't his to dispose of.

YANBU for thinking your kids have too many presents. Can you keep some of them and give them throughout the year? For birthday gifts? Or even for a "working so hard this term" gift or something? I do think you should say something to the family before next year though to prevent a repeat and be very firm.

I have been on the other side of the coin, we sent a gift to one niece that we put a lot of thought and effort into and my SIL sold it at a yard sale because she didn't like it. That hurt. We gave a gift to my other niece for her 1st birthday and it is apparently still unopened (she was 1 in July). Also a bit hurtful. Both were small gifts. We went with a book for each of my nieces this Xmas - small, and you can never have too many books! But I do accept that my nieces have so much "stuff" that their parents just can't handle any more.

YANBU. We had 2 dns here with ds, oldest just 4, and there were so many presents they got upset when they started getting lost under the wrapping paper piles and not being able to play with any of the presents as there simply wasn't any space!

Surely the point of giving a present is to give pleasure to the recipient, and if the recipient is made distressed rather than happy, wouldn't it be better to send it elsewhere?

And that's even with my parents having realised last year that ds simply has too many toys to play with already so kindly bought him some great clothes instead, and about 12 things for ds/rest of family still wrapped!

For children under 5 or so, I think you have to decide what to get rid of as otherwise they'll want to keep all their baby toys and everything forever (or is that just mine?), but after that it would be good for them to have a say in it. It's not that new a phenomenon though, just the volume of stuff - I remember most post-Xmasses as a child complaining I'd much prefer Uncle and Auntie hadn't bothered giving me yet another Barbie doll (I hated dolls) so I didn't have to write a thank you letter!

birdsofseaandshore-'YANBU. You are the parent and if you think that it would be better for your children to have fewer toys then it is your prerogative to do that. Just because somebody bought your children the things doesn't mean you have no rights over them '

well I would disagree with that.You are implying that the children are not people in their own right, and their every relationship must be brokered through their mother.The gift has been given by a relative to them not you.
Obviously dangerous things would be different but that isn't the case here

(love the username by the way)

It's wonderful how free people are with other people's belongings. The presents belong to your children, not you. So while you might be pissed off that people have dared to buy them things, YABU to think you can just decide to remove them because you want to. If they are old enough to understand and agree then great. If not, then give your own stuff away.

Im quite shocked at people who think its ok to do this how is thois right , I just dont get it , im not a grabby greedy person at al but i wouldnt give away a present that belonged to somebody else , Its just a strange thing to do imo

I used to do it, OP; then I asked relatives to stop sending gifts. Which was actually very hard but it had to happen.
It doesn't make either of us cruel or nasty.
I think your only mistake was in telling the MIL (& MN, for that matter).