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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give a lot of what my dc received for christmas away to charity?

165 replies

Barbielovesken · 26/12/2011 23:39

We have been blessed with a large, kind and generous family (on both sides) who adore our dc and who continuously choose to spoil them rotten at Christmas.

I am extremely grateful for this and got a bit teary eyed at how lucky our dc are when I looked at the amount of presents under the tree this Christmas eve.

This year is our first as a family of 5 as dc 3 is only 6 months so despite always receiving so much, this year really rang through as the volume of presents for 3 was staggering.

To put into perspective, I'd roughly estimate that each child had received 25 presents (not including Santa coming who brought "big" ones). I'm not talking small presents either - whole farm sets with barns and tractors and figures, baby alive dolls (2!!!), laptop (worth €70 as I bought one for dd last year).

I genuinely don't mean this to sound boastful and hope it doesn't come across this way but am trying to paint a true picture. I sat in our sitting room yesterday morn and couldn't see the floor and despite being so appreciative of our families kindness couldn't help but think the whole thing was vulgar, over the top and insane particularly considering how much other children have gone without this year due to the recession etc.

So I bagged about 17 unopened (boxed) toys and hid them in the wardrobe with the intention of giving them to charity/ next years toy appeals. My children have yet to notice as they have so much they don't know where to look or what to play with tight now.

I've had a massive argument with my mil this afternoon when dh (stupidly) told her this and she has stayed that I'm cruel and nasty and ungrateful that I've taken my dc's presents away.

I take her point that other people have kindly bought these things for my dc but she says I have no right to give them away because of this - AIBU?

My oldest (6) understands that others aren't as lucky as she is and happily donated new toys before Xmas so I can't see it being a problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
Barbielovesken · 27/12/2011 16:32

Again thanks to everyone for their input. Am busy right now but will be back later to write a long post. Am laughing my bum off right now at the insinuation that I am 1 - a martyr and 2. A thief who steals from small children.Grin

I'm quite surprised myself and the outrage expressed - I'do expect to be disagreed with - this is AIBU obviously and i did ask but I suppose I find it odd how much emphasis people on here place on things they buy others - I'm surprised that there are actually people here who would be upset/ angry/ livid (and whatever other words were used) at the thought of something they spent money on being given to a needy child instead of a child who already has the item. suppose we were all raised with different ideas/ values.

OP posts:
Original poster
Barbielovesken · 27/12/2011 16:34

I would have no issue with something I bought being given to a needy child, even if the intended recipient was a child who literally has too much and wouldn't appreciate it

OP posts:
mrsjay · 27/12/2011 16:37

I work with needy children and im sure the parents of the needy child would be horrified if the lovely present their child got came from another child .and given to theirs , I think some people have a different view of dong good and giving to others i spose ,

goldbow · 27/12/2011 16:41

YANBU, totally up to you. I give loads of my DCs things away as the house gets swamped.

Floggingmolly · 27/12/2011 16:41

You are not being unreasonable in the slightest. Your DH, however must be trained not to involve your MIL in the minutiae of your lives so she can give her opinion on things which are none of her business.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, it's an extremely sore point with me at the moment, I have a lot of training to do myself Blush

goldbow · 27/12/2011 16:42

Ha blood ha, a thief that steals from small children. Hmm Christmas really has got some of you hasn't it. Wink

Original poster
Barbielovesken · 27/12/2011 16:44

I'm the new grinch gold Wink

OP posts:
goldbow · 27/12/2011 16:47

Change your name to grinchlovesken and quickly stock pile your presents and take to charity immediatley, you cruel cruel person. Wink

Original poster
Barbielovesken · 27/12/2011 16:48

floggingmolly I see your point but in fairness to him, he doesn't and said it in passing as he didn't think it was a big deal (either did I tbh) she called by and said something in the lines of "oh my God the dc got loads " to which he replied "yeah they are so so lucky, tbh they be got that much that they even received duplicates so barbie has put them up on the wardrobe for them to give to next years toy appeal" and it kicked off..

OP posts:
Original poster
Barbielovesken · 27/12/2011 16:49

Grin at goldbow

OP posts:
LesserOfTwoWeevils · 27/12/2011 16:50

YANBU and I think you're lovely.
If you've asked people not to give to your DCs and they've ignored you, then they are BU to be upset if you pass on their gifts to children who will appreciate them.

Original poster
Barbielovesken · 27/12/2011 16:56

Can I ask those who think it's terrible on the giver what to do about the duplicates then? Because I asked my dd when she opened the laptop (€70) and the baby alive (approx €40) etc did she want to exchange it for something else or save it for the next toy appeal and she chose the appeal.

Going by some opinions here, it's unfair on the giver if my children don't open them so do I take the laptop, pop it beside her identical laptop and get her to play with it then? It seems ridiculous when a child who's not going to get much could open a brand new one next Xmas instead.

OP posts:
Original poster
Barbielovesken · 27/12/2011 17:00

Thank you lesser. I don't want to give the gifts back as that seems ungrateful, which honestly we're not - I did tear up at how thought of our dc are and how apparent that was here on Xmas morn. We intended to say nothing and just pass on the toys.

And for those suggesting to give old things/ my things/ things we buy - we do, But the toy appeal looks for new, boxed, unwrapped toys for Xmas which we contribute to and will next year but could also add these toys meaning we could give more.

My dd1 (as I said) hand delivered new toys (that she liked) to the charity this year without a seconds hesitation or a mention since.

OP posts:
mrsjay · 27/12/2011 17:00

why are people giving your dd a laptop dont you consult grandparents what they are given cant say in 18 chritsmases my Dc have had duplicates of anything maybe bath stuff or sweets , the big things we get them and grandparents get whatever i have suggested for them < maybe you can ask the present givers next year to give to your chosen charity on your childrens behave and then give them a smaller gift , and consult them before christmas ,

rainbowinthesky · 27/12/2011 17:03

You sound very sensible op. Did I really read earlier in the thread that the gps spend £300 on each gc??? No child needs or can even play with that many toys that your dc recieve and I think you did the right thing.

Original poster
Barbielovesken · 27/12/2011 17:05

mrsjay simply because they (between them) have every major or popular toy on the Market right now! It would be terribly difficult for people not to duplicate as they literally have everything. For instance my dd1 is really into horses and riding - people kindly considered this (huge family) and she received three moxie girl playlets with doll, horse and stable..

We don't want to tell people what to buy them - it seems grabby and like we have an expectation to us (although we have repeatedly asked for books/ charity donations - they've said they think it's "mean")

OP posts:
Original poster
Barbielovesken · 27/12/2011 17:06

Yep rainbow €300!! It's mad (and they have 8 GC) plus all the other presents from everyone else..

OP posts:
hackmum · 27/12/2011 17:07

It's interesting to see the strongly opposing views on here - obviously not an easy ethical issue! My view is that what the eye doesn't see the heart doesn't grieve over, so if you can give the presents away without the donors knowing about it or the children noticing, then it's clearly a kind thing to do. There are obviously children who would get far more joy out of those toys than your children would. But now the secret is out to the MiL, is it likely she will tell anyone else? That's the tricky thing. You could always hang on to the presents she gave while giving some of the others away.

mrsjay · 27/12/2011 17:12

I think there is a way to get round the present suggestions without appearing grabby though , maybe suggest a price range for the children ? or say next year im getting so n so a moxie doll set so you could get her something else ? I do understand where you are coming from if they have too many toys , and i dont really think you are the toy thief i just think there is another way around it ,

DedalusDigglesPocketWatch · 27/12/2011 17:18

Tbh, if I gave a present to someone, well thought out, time and money etc and for whatever reason they didn't want it, I would much rather they donated to a good cause rather than it collect dust in the back of a cupboard.

Op, I think you are doing a lovely thing :)

Vizzini · 27/12/2011 17:20

DD (21 months) received a lot of presents this year (I'd say about 20-30). We knew this would happen as it was the same (more actually) last year. We are blessed to have a large and very generous family. DH and I decided to buy only 2 small presents for DD (slightly more advanced to play with later in the year) and a few small, useful pieces for her stocking from FC e.g. socks, a book etc. This helped to reduce the amount of stuff.
Her birthday is in March and we have suggested 'no present' rule for this. Obviously we are not going to stop people who really want to gove her a present but everyone seems happy with this. We are putting some of her Christmas presents away and will break them out throughout the year/rotate them between places she goes to a lot.
I can see where you are coming from, but I would be so offended if I bought a present and the child didn't even get to play with it once.

BigHairyGruffalo · 27/12/2011 17:34

Surely if someone spent a significant (eg the laptop) amount of money on a present for your dc that they already have and you are unable to exchange, the best thing to do would be to tell them and let them return it and decide what to do?

It is all very well talking about the needy children, but this has been a really tough year for a lot of people. If your dc have received that many presents, chances are that some of the present givers are under financial pressure themselves. They may have made a financial sacrifice for their relative to get a nice present, but may not feel affluent enough to donate that amount of money. Give them the present back with a polite explanation and let them decide what to do.

leeloo1 · 27/12/2011 17:49

This is an odd thread (on the whole) as I've seen similar questions, where a MIL relative has bought heaps of presents/or unsuitable presents against the OP's request and usually the advice given is that the buyer has been rude to ignore instructions and that the OP should tell the buyer that all these gifts will be left at the buyer's house for the children to play with when they're there - so very rarely! Or sold etc as they have been bought against specific instructions.

OP YANBU, of course its foolish to keep duplicate presents - unless it 'adds' to the original (e.g. twin farm animals could be useful - or 2 Moxie horse riders could be friends - I had 2 identical barbie-type dolls as a kid and I decided they were twins - 1 got a short hair cut to be different Grin etc) - so regift/donate/sell and put money into an account for your DC. But it would be ungracious to tell giver's that you are doing this with their gifts, so I can see why your MIL is upset and perhaps DH should apologise/backpeddle and say there was a misunderstanding and you've put toys aside for later in the year (also a good idea if DC get lots in 1 go).

For next year, could you ask the GPs etc to give money towards your DC's riding lessons (if these are still £30 ph then that'd be a big help?) or similar experience?

AnotherMincepie · 27/12/2011 18:03

YABU

whatstheetiquette · 27/12/2011 18:17

Haven't read whole thread.

This is a difficult situation. I have 2DC (5 and 3) so similar ages to OP's children. We have a big family as well. This is what I do:

My mum gave each DC a bigish present so they were allowed to open the presents from my mum on 22nd Dec. They thanked my mum for them and played with them all day and my mum was fine with it not being "on the day". They were then allowed to open their presents from my aunt on 23rd Dec and I didn't tell my aunt this. They played with those presents that day and the upshot is they are quite certain who gave them what this far. They opened presents from another family member on 24th Dec. The bulk of the presents on Christmas day and then from my MIL on boxing day (because she was here, she was happy with that). Both kids know who gave them what and will be able to say thanks and appreciated all presents. So now, having got a huge influx of toys, we are now deciding which of the older toys to pass on. Either to a particular relative who is younger, to charity shop or eBay. I think that however you choose to manage your situation is your business and you H made a big mistake telling a giver that a load of presents were put away. He was simply rude to tell her this and it will be even worse if she tells any of the other givers. I would try and smooth things over by telling MIL that they are going to have them at new year/whatever and make sure people get thanked.