To give a lot of what my dc received for christmas away to charity?

[Barbielovesken]

We have been blessed with a large, kind and generous family (on both sides) who adore our dc and who continuously choose to spoil them rotten at Christmas.

I am extremely grateful for this and got a bit teary eyed at how lucky our dc are when I looked at the amount of presents under the tree this Christmas eve.

This year is our first as a family of 5 as dc 3 is only 6 months so despite always receiving so much, this year really rang through as the volume of presents for 3 was staggering.

To put into perspective, I'd roughly estimate that each child had received 25 presents (not including Santa coming who brought "big" ones). I'm not talking small presents either - whole farm sets with barns and tractors and figures, baby alive dolls (2!!!), laptop (worth €70 as I bought one for dd last year).

I genuinely don't mean this to sound boastful and hope it doesn't come across this way but am trying to paint a true picture. I sat in our sitting room yesterday morn and couldn't see the floor and despite being so appreciative of our families kindness couldn't help but think the whole thing was vulgar, over the top and insane particularly considering how much other children have gone without this year due to the recession etc.

So I bagged about 17 unopened (boxed) toys and hid them in the wardrobe with the intention of giving them to charity/ next years toy appeals. My children have yet to notice as they have so much they don't know where to look or what to play with tight now.

I've had a massive argument with my mil this afternoon when dh (stupidly) told her this and she has stayed that I'm cruel and nasty and ungrateful that I've taken my dc's presents away.

I take her point that other people have kindly bought these things for my dc but she says I have no right to give them away because of this - AIBU?

My oldest (6) understands that others aren't as lucky as she is and happily donated new toys before Xmas so I can't see it being a problem.

mean spirited, spiteful, ungrateful..... used to describe OP? I think someone should look up the meanings of these words, because to me, the OP is anything but.

I'ld keep the presents and then re-distribute them as birthday parties came up. Thereby 6ettin6 some use out of them.

I don't understand why it is is mean spirited to give them where they are needed. It is obscene to have huge amounts of toys. It is just difficult after they have been given-cut it down beforehand is the answer.

I defy anyone out there to say that 101 presents between 3 children is not excessive and the OP had to make a decision on how to deal with the toy mountain - gosh if it had been me, it would have been 17 presents kept, 84 given away, seriously.

101 presents would spoil Christmas for me. It is OTT.

OP, you are being absolutely and totally reasonable, sensible and kind.In addition, you teaching your children a valuable life lesson, a lesson that's not just for Christmas.

Who is going to notice if you donate duplicate toys -are your relatives going to do spot checks on your toy basket(s)? Is your MIL going to complain to others about your charity? In this current climate I think she would come across as crass and churlish.

Those surplus toys could be the only Christmas present some child gets next year. Obviously they need to be unopened for the Vincent de Paul toy appeal so allowing your children to have a token play with them in order to appeal others sensibilities is pointless. Having one donated toy will make some child very happy. Having 60 toys to play with instead of 101 will still make your children happy. Your relatives got the satisfaction of giving, you and your children get the satisfaction of receiving and giving, unwanted toys find a home, children living in poverty are not forgotten at Christmas - seems to me that's a whole lot of happiness being generated by one gift.

Finally, as my mother used to say, gifts should come with love, not strings.

Thank you for starting this thread OP. I'm in the same situation - 3 young dcs, who between them received over 100 presents - not even including the massive Santa sacks that MIL insisted on bringing for them (but that's a whole other thread ;)). I have repeatedly ad nauseum requested friends and family not to buy for them, or to buy books or vouchers for local attractions etc. and they only got 1-2 small presents from us this year.

But people don't listen. They like buying for the children. And to my horror, my children are becoming really unappreciative of presents (huff, not more clothes etc.). I totally did not want to see my children behaving in such an ungrateful way. They didn't even want to finish opening their presents, as they were so overwhelmed.

I'm going to have a sort in the next few days and put away the unopened presents. Some will be regifted, some will be given to charity and some will be brought out for a later date. Everytime I raise this with MIL, her solution is for me to "buy more storage" .

I can't understand why anyone is comfortable with a DC having so many presents, it makes them very unappreciative. Much better to have a few and really enjoy them. It even takes away the fun of opening them. I certainly wouldn't open them all on Christmas Day-keep the day joyful and simple.

Am I too late to wade in with an opinion?

We tell family every yer to buy us and DCs ONE gift only (DS has ASD and gets easily overwhelmed, but also, up until this year we lived in a really tiny house).

They never respect it and this year despite opening pressies Xmas eve am, Xmas eve lunch, Xmas eve night, Xmas morning, Xmas lunch and Xmas eve, he still had a laundry basket full for boxing day and 8 presents to open on the 28th!

We did try having a policy where for every toy he recieved he had to donate something else to charity (which aids in finding a space for everything - he gets distressed about his things not having a 'home' where they go) but the reality is he doesn't want the new stuff. He's attached to that broken plastic truck and the new one isn't the same.

It's really hard when people can't respect boundaries for your children, and it's not their 'right' to be allowed to spoil them.

They am obviously spend as much money and give as many gifts as they like, but they can't store them in your home. My mother has finally understood this and now buys my son toys, books, a special blanket etc... For at her house. He loves this as it means when he visits her he also visits his Thomas blanket and train set etc; but were they at our house it would distress him that we don't have space for them.

Win win.

Of only I could train in laws to do the same...

barbie I am on your side.

the contrast between the have and the have-nots is glaringly obvious at Christmas, and it's very upsetting.

YANBU at all.

Barbie - I think what you have done is the right thing - your DD sounds absolutely fantastic, by the way, obviously following your good example. I am glad that you have involved her in the decision - because it does allow her to know that she has had the choice. Agreed that the younger two DC are too young to be asked in the same way.

I do hope that this can be resolved for next year - perhaps get your DD to ask everyone to donate to the Vinnie's appeal instead of giving them presents - they might listen if it comes from the "horse's mouth" so to speak!

Have only read half the thread but...

I can see where you are coming from, especially as you had asked people to restrain themselves and they've not listened, but I think you are potentially going to offend an awful lot of people.

Also are you sure your DC's (especially the oldest) don't mind? My DD is 7 and more than capable of putting on a front when asked to do something she doesn't really want to.

If people really want to do something for your DC's rather than donate to charity etc - there's always bank accounts, vouchers (so you can get something useful or they can choose a larger present rather than lots of bits and pieces), Amazon wishlist (which can include stuff from other places - not just Amazon itself) or a family gift.

For the last couple of years, my in-laws have paid for or contributed towards an Easter break for the three of us and we just have a couple of stocking fillers each to open on the day which works well as they have very different taste to me us, and my parents go mad enough with the pressies for DD!

Yes the OP will offend people, such a MIL, but the OP also has the right to be offended that she has requested people do not but such a lot for her children and her attempts to set boundaries for her own children in terms of materialism have been ignored. The pleasure should be in giving, not in nosing about what happens after those presents have been given, OP has seemed grateful to have received the presents, despite having tried to restrict the number of presents, it is ultimately up to her to decide on behalf of her children what happens to those presents.

We used to have the same (on a smaller scale) problem with my PILs who used to buy presents the children already had and buy too much. After a few arguments, they now have it just right and the children are now delighted with their presents from grandparents - this year it was a HSM costume, a cheap dolly, money for the elder children. Our children finally say thank you from the heart and not out of obligation because they get small presents but exactly what they ask for.

I do think this over-materialism from grandparents is in part because many were brought post WW2 when the UK became more and more affluent. This is the richest generation the UK has known, with a considerable income in retirement or near retirement, richer than their parents' generation (yes I know there is also a significant proportion of over 60s too who have not been so fortunate). Now you see the reverse in the UK, children of these baby boomers are not so fortunate as their parents, disposable income is less than their parents, parents who struggle to buy for their children. In these circumstances, it's far wiser for grandparents to pay for sports / music lessons or open a bank account than to buy £300 worth of toys which will not be played with!!!

Completely with you on this one OP. I also think the comments on your actions being "ungrateful" or "cruel" are completely bonkers and those attitudes contribute towards the nasty state of materialism that gets completely carried away beyond all reason at Christmas.

I haven't read the whole thread but I would donate duplicates and the give the children back the toys at birthdays, Easter and holiday times to spread them out through the year.