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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give a lot of what my dc received for christmas away to charity?

165 replies

Barbielovesken · 26/12/2011 23:39

We have been blessed with a large, kind and generous family (on both sides) who adore our dc and who continuously choose to spoil them rotten at Christmas.

I am extremely grateful for this and got a bit teary eyed at how lucky our dc are when I looked at the amount of presents under the tree this Christmas eve.

This year is our first as a family of 5 as dc 3 is only 6 months so despite always receiving so much, this year really rang through as the volume of presents for 3 was staggering.

To put into perspective, I'd roughly estimate that each child had received 25 presents (not including Santa coming who brought "big" ones). I'm not talking small presents either - whole farm sets with barns and tractors and figures, baby alive dolls (2!!!), laptop (worth €70 as I bought one for dd last year).

I genuinely don't mean this to sound boastful and hope it doesn't come across this way but am trying to paint a true picture. I sat in our sitting room yesterday morn and couldn't see the floor and despite being so appreciative of our families kindness couldn't help but think the whole thing was vulgar, over the top and insane particularly considering how much other children have gone without this year due to the recession etc.

So I bagged about 17 unopened (boxed) toys and hid them in the wardrobe with the intention of giving them to charity/ next years toy appeals. My children have yet to notice as they have so much they don't know where to look or what to play with tight now.

I've had a massive argument with my mil this afternoon when dh (stupidly) told her this and she has stayed that I'm cruel and nasty and ungrateful that I've taken my dc's presents away.

I take her point that other people have kindly bought these things for my dc but she says I have no right to give them away because of this - AIBU?

My oldest (6) understands that others aren't as lucky as she is and happily donated new toys before Xmas so I can't see it being a problem.

OP posts:

Original poster

Barbielovesken · 27/12/2011 00:09

Try harder, we do donate old toys too - every november but the toy appeal was specifically requesting new boxed toys this year to give to children from Santa

OP posts:

KurriKurri · 27/12/2011 00:13

Your DD1 is obviously a lovely little girl, - with her mum's good heart

I think people get very obsessed with giving ever more expensive gifts - and lose the plot a bit. Spending 300 euros on a baby, is surely more for the benefit of the gift giver than the baby.

ViviPrudolf · 27/12/2011 00:13

Good advice from dixie. I think concentrating on making your feelings clear to friends and extended family for next year is the first step, sounds as though the MiL is a tougher nut to crack, Dixiechick's ideas in this respect are worth considering.

sassyminder · 27/12/2011 00:17

So keeping telling them about how you feel and demand you MIL to give less make it clear more than 3 presents each and you will be donating to charity again.

Original poster

Barbielovesken · 27/12/2011 00:19

kurrikurri I think you're right.

My dd1 is an absolute dote - an unusually kind child and a credit to herself. Ds on the other hand tries to rake money out of the collection box at mass ( but is 23 months so can be forgiven )

Going by the responses, I'll admit I'm wrong on this one - I'll give dc the gifts and apologise to mil. Thank you all for your opinions

OP posts:

ThatVikRinA22 · 27/12/2011 00:19

how about asking relatives to donate to the kids bank accounts instead?

i do think yabu.

i say this as someone who has only ever had me and DH to buy for my two. i think you are very lucky.
if i had taken the trouble to choose, buy and wrap something for a recipient i would be cross to find out it never reached my intended target! i wouldnt buy for that person again.

cheeseandbiscuitsplease · 27/12/2011 00:34

I asked several people to not buy my dc's this year as they just get too much and last year they got bored of opening presents as they had too many! This year they received pressies from close family only. It was a much more sensible option, they had a wonderful time opening their presents and were still thoroughly spoilt. People get carried away and we ll end up buying for buyings sake. Got to say I think people were secretly pleased when I said please don't buy our two as they have more than enough already. It saved me a lot of money too buying presents in return. Maybe suggest the same to some people next year? If you laugh and say you are running out of room people won't be offended.

PercyFilth · 27/12/2011 00:36

The gifts are not yours to give away. They were given to your children, not to you.

Original poster

Barbielovesken · 27/12/2011 00:48

I get that now Percy but as I've said, I stupidly thought it was disgusting that my dc currently trip up over their toys, don't notice them and definitely will not play with a large percentage when other children have absolutely nothing.

Hey ho! As I said, I'll give them back - including the duplicates and apologise to mil.

OP posts:

Cromwell44 · 27/12/2011 00:52

OP you are so DNBU, people attach far too much importance to material gifts - other posters seem to think it is all about the making the gift givers happy , because it's so much more important to keep affluent give givers happy than it is to give to the needy
OP you are the parent and in charge of the values you want your children to have and your values seem very sound to me.

Nanny0gg · 27/12/2011 00:56

It's done for this year, so leave them with your children.

Next year, ask for less. Ask for clothes.
Or
Look at Kids Company www.kidsco.org.uk/
and get them to donate a specific gift through the John Lewis website, or contribute to the huge Christmas party they put on.
Get your children to help choose.

Original poster

Barbielovesken · 27/12/2011 01:03

Thanks Cromwell, I genuinely have repeatedly asked people not to buy them so much - I recently told my cousin that they'd much prefer her to spend an evening playing on the floor with them and that's what they'll remember, I've told people they have too much, I've highlighted the appeals this year and asked people to donate on dc's behalf and give them a card stating the donation which I'll give them as adults but it falls on deaf ears. I do understand that they are lucky and people are just being kind.

My Fil had to take 5 trips from the car to the house to carry in the gifts the other night - we ran out of room under the tree and on the floor and had to start piling stuff on the couch. It's lovely of them bit it's utter madness.

Have just worked it out and dc received 31 presents (large ones) from family this year. Santa brought them 2 expensive toys each and a stocking full of tat. I heard one young mother on the radio sobbing her heart out (anon) on the radio earlier this month as she couldn't heat the house or feed her dc this Xmas nevermind buy gifts,

It's not right.

OP posts:

Original poster

Barbielovesken · 27/12/2011 01:04

That's 31 each bu the way do their was just over 100 presents here to open yesterday

OP posts:

SantieMaggie · 27/12/2011 01:05

I would be seriously pissed off if the presents I bought for someone's dc were just given away like this. I don't buy for many people but make a point of buying for the dc in the family even over my dp as we are tight on money and spend time thinking about suitable presents for them, shopping for them, etc.

Now if you told me before xmas to not buy them or put the money towards something else then that would be ok.

Original poster

Barbielovesken · 27/12/2011 01:06

Excuse typos - damn auto correct on phone

OP posts:

Yulewithadragontattoo · 27/12/2011 01:07

I actually think YANBU. The only problem was mil got wind of your plans. Next year I would definitely ask people only to give token gifts.

Original poster

Barbielovesken · 27/12/2011 01:08

But santie I'm not just giving them away - I intend to give them to children who will receive nothing - would that bother you as much? (genuine q?) if you knew mine wouldn't even notice? (particularly if I had asked you not to buy)

OP posts:

ThatVikRinA22 · 27/12/2011 01:09

well give it a few months then gather up the unused gifts and donate them then.

nannyoggs suggestion was great.

but really - i understand where you are coming from i do, but my kids have only ever had gifts bought by me and dh. some years we struggled. i would have loved for kindly rellies to help out but we dont have any.

make the most of it. its nice. just redirect the giving for next year, or charity shop the gifts not used in a month or two. keep the boxes.

i always donated my kids toys to the gp surgery or whatever, after they had outgrown them.

you could donate them in a few months, when they ve had a chance to play with them, if they get cast aside then spirit them away!

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2011 01:10

Yes but 'Santa' didn't bring the 2 expensive toys each...you did despite knowing your kids were going to be spoilt again by the rest of the family.

Perhaps you should practice what you're trying to preach to your MIL and buy less for your own kids?

Open them a college/uni account (if you haven't already) and ask people to donate to that instead of giving the gifts away that they've put a lot of thought into buying and wrapping for your children.

Original poster

Barbielovesken · 27/12/2011 01:15

worra we bought the gifts as we didn't know the extent of what they were going to receive - especially as we had asked people not to and know that most are financially struggling right now. We don't live expecting things from others. We bought as our dc are our responsibility and we didn't want to take a gamble on what they'd get. The 6 year old had asked specifically for something.

OP posts:

Original poster

Barbielovesken · 27/12/2011 01:16

(and I know some people on here say that all gifts are from Santa but we dont - we tell them who bought what - the gifts ate labelled)

OP posts:

Cromwell44 · 27/12/2011 01:18

Once the gift is given it no longers belongs to the gift giver - it's crazy that people would be annoyed that a gift given to a child who has 30 gifts shouldn't be passed on to a child that has nothing. Personally I'd prefer my gift to passed on, but hey, maybe it's weird to feel uncomfortable about great affluence alongside great need. Stick to your guns Barbie, you are actually doing something good, helping those who need it, not pandering to those who have plenty. Maybe they'll stop now they know you really mean give to the needy instead of presents, you're just modelling good behaviour

Think I'd better to go to bed now, I feel a soap box moment coming on

ThatVikRinA22 · 27/12/2011 01:19

i have friends with 2 little ones, they just buy them token gifts and let the GPs and other family buy the big stuff.

is it possible to ask them for specifics next year to save this happening?

Original poster

Barbielovesken · 27/12/2011 01:21

Cromwell is explaining what I'm trying to say so much better than I can.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2011 01:22

Well that's even worse if they're struggling financially and you give their gifts away without your children even attempting to enjoy them?

Honestly, I do understand what you're saying...but if your kids have been as spoilt as you say then surely giving the gifts away in a couple of months would mean they're still immaculate but they've at least enjoyed them once or twice?

I really think you need to be more insistent next year and give them your kid's bank account details so they can pay money in if they really want to give them something expensive.

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