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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have taken most of my nearly 4 year old'sDD's Christmas presents away

184 replies

Pinkiemum · 26/12/2011 19:49

And some of her other toys as she scribbled all over a mouse mat we had made to send to my father for his birthday. It had a photo of her and her baby brother on it and now I have had to order another and hope it arrives in time so I can send it to Australia for his birthday.

She was actually being punished at the time for being naughty and should not have been doing anything apart from sitting on the naughty chair in the study. (The reason we took the other toys is we don't think she will really notice the loss of her Christmas presents having only had them for one day)

OP posts:
mumtosome · 27/12/2011 10:42

Haven't read entire thread so if I repeat something that's already been said, sorry.

  1. Absolutely agree that you shgouldn't make threats you are not prepared to
carry out.
  1. When you are feeling ok and DD is settled, think about different strategies
you think will be effective and use one of them, calmly, next time if necessary rather than (over)reactinging in anger .
  1. How long was she in time out. Age 3 it should have been no more than 3
minutes
  1. Maybe location for time-out could be reconsidered and moved to a more
appropriate place.
  1. Unwanted behaviour does need to be addressed but at 3 yrs old no point in
talking about good and bad behaviour. You need to be specific about the wanted or unwanted behaviours in order to help the child to mange better.
  1. IMO children need to see consequences for behaviour good and bad. If the
consequence relates directly to the behaviour they are more likely to learn and carry what they have learned with them in life and be able to manage themselves much more responsibly.The idea of 'punishment' doesn't sit well with me in regards to children and in my experience breeds resentment and fear, neither of which are helpful to children.

TBH OP you sound frazzled and I think you would benefit from TLC and some extra rest, if you can have someone give you a hand with the children etc. I think you do genuinely want what's best for your children, but maybe it's time to start thinking outside the box a little in relation to how you help your children to manage their own behaviour.
xx

Original poster
Pinkiemum · 27/12/2011 11:06

Just like to say she is getting some of her toys back today,

I have promised her a teddy bears picnic this afternoon for a late lunch after we watched I can cook , they were having a teddy bears picnic. It is not that she doesn't get attention it is that at the moment she doesn't come first very much, this is what she told me

Thankyou all for you opinions

OP posts:
droves · 27/12/2011 11:10

You leave pens in reach of a small child and you don't expect them to scrible on stuff ? Yabu.

Seriously don't believe you didn't know pens were in your study. Everyone keeps pens in study . ( well those luck enough to have a study ).

Op you sound knacked. But really your a bit harsh with your punishments . She's only little . If you dont ease up on the little stuff ,by the time she's a teen you are going to have one mother of a teenage rebel on your hands.

The key to discipline is age appropriate measures. At 3/4 I'd use "no" , and distraction . At 5 I'd use a time out for a few minutes ,in the same room , perhaps a rug or special chair to sit on. I'd only use a different room for a much older child (8+) .

Lower your expectations of how you expect a child to behave...mostly they are just curious and things they do are not deliberately naughty.

Best thing is to look at your home from a child's point of view. Anything you don't want them touching or getting into mischief with , move out of reach or lock up. Tantrums ignore , unless they begin to hurt themselves. Kids soon Learn not to bother if it doesn't get them attention.

I also find most kids will do anything for a sticker ....reward with a sticker for every hour if playing nicely being good. Mine like to help ...when I do housework , to stop them wrecking the rooms as soon as I've done them ...I give them a fluffy duster and ask them to help ...tbh they are crap at dusting but it stops the carnage. Wink.

Droves - mums of 5 step mum to 3 ( that's 8 , if I can control 8 , including one with asd and one with ADHD , you can cope with baby and toddler. Have some confidence in yourself ).

droves · 27/12/2011 11:14

I think your little girl is Envy of the baby .

Get a babysitter and have a day out with your dd and spoil her a little.

Express some milk , or even go out between feeds ( when the cluster feeding stops ) .

Your dd needs this , even if it's just 30 mins at a play park with you .

Animation · 27/12/2011 11:16

"Just like to say she is getting some of her toys back today,"

Aww - this punishment's gone on a long time poor kid. Confused

droves · 27/12/2011 11:26

Personally I would never take a child's toys away ...unless they were using that toy as a weapon to hit with.

Toys distract kids from touching adult stuff . They occupy them , and are nice and safe to fiddle with . Great for fixity fingers and curious little minds.

But I do rotate toys , put some away and change for different ones stops them getting bored with their toys ...that way there's always something " new and exciting" to play with.

Taking toys away is pointless , because they will just find themselves into mischief without them IMO. And they get more demanding for one to one attention.

Have you tried having a box of " special toys" that dd only gets to play with when your feeding baby ? . Things that are time consuming but don't need too much adult help with ? Maybe play dough ? ( not if you've carpets ) .

BertieBotts · 27/12/2011 11:37

I took some of DS's presents and put them in the cupboard, it was a jigsaw set with 10 jigsaws each with 49 pieces - he emptied the entire lot onto the floor and then sat there and refused to help tidy up any of it despite much discussion and insisting "I WANT to help Mummy" He knows if he doesn't help tidy up then the toys get tidied into the cupboard, so I don't think this was unfair. He has other toys to play with. I think it is good to encourage them to take responsibility for their things. I don't think it is a terrible punishment and am a bit Confused at everyone saying it is. I DO think it was out of proportion to the crime, but we all make mistakes - I think some of the books recommended here are really good :) (I've just ordered the pushing buttons one!)

Time out here is used if he needs to calm down, it's not supposed to be a punishment, it's supposed to help him develop the skill of taking himself off to calm down, stop, and think if he's getting worked up about something. Crying is disregarded - crying isn't naughty, it's expressing emotion. Normally when they are completely exhausted you can hear the crying change from angry to sad (which is the real emotion usually behind the behaviour) and then IMO you should always comfort them - it's not a reward to give them a cuddle. I think it's very damaging to make a child think that they are not allowed to cry. I feel quite upset about that childminder's methods :(

I agree that she is probably overwhelmed at the moment with the new baby and everything else happening. I expect you are as well so just try to give both of yourselves a break! She will probably act up more but instead of needing to come down hard on her I think it's best to try and look at the reasons behind what she is actually doing and try to address those, stop the behaviour by physically removing straight away, but once she is calm, that is when to have these discussions with her.

Good luck!

mrsjay · 27/12/2011 11:42

she wont understand why her presents have gone and you said she wouldnt notice anyway , punish for the crime take her pens away from her your punishment seemed dramatic and pointless , yabu

perceptionreality · 27/12/2011 11:59

She's way too young for what she did to have been truly 'naughty'

I think taking toys away is wrong and the parents I know who do this are control freaks imo and ime.

jaffacake2 · 27/12/2011 12:41

Please give her toys back. She will have such a negative view of Christmas.How about if you had a row with husband and he took everything back that he had just given to you? It just is wrong and she will not understand what has happened.

bbface · 27/12/2011 12:55

She won't have a negative view of Christmas based on this incident! She is not even 4 years old!

I remember getting terribly told off by my beloved late mother on one of my birthdays. I have misbehaved dreadfully, and I was shouted at, sent to my bedroom and was not permitted to come down for the afternoon. Essentially my birthday was cancelled. I was about 7.

Has it ruined my view of birthdays? Has it heck!

As long as a child is surrounded by love, with lots of affection, then one-off incidents should not have a lasting impact. Especially at such a young age.

Sounds as though the OP has a lovely afternoon planned, enjoy

Crabapple99 · 27/12/2011 15:08

hope you have a lovely day

JjandtheBean · 27/12/2011 15:23

See I'm torn between yabu and yanbu. All is a bit extreme.

Dd scribbled all over her new pram and doll on christmas day, I took her to time out and explained because she drew on them I was taking them away.

I did, had a shower and as I was showering her she appolagised, very nicely and said she wanted to clean them, we did together and she was allowed them back, she understood she was wrong and earnt them back.

MamaMaiasaura · 27/12/2011 15:54

Don't think it would have ruined Christmases forever. Ds2 is 4 today and threw his innotab in frustration. I told him off, he cried. He's playing happily on it now and we've moved on. I know it's hard with small baby as I have 9 week old too. Dh is off work this week and it's easier as he will occupy ds2, perhaps your dh should do same. Dh and ds2 have grown so much closer.

MamaMaiasaura · 27/12/2011 15:55

But I very much think YABU. Dh thinks so too and thinks your dh needs to spend quality positive time with your dd

liveinazoo · 27/12/2011 16:18

bbface.i like your sense of calm and reasoning.personally i wouldnt do it,i have a just 4yo.wouldve given babywipe and told try and clean it,but then how many of us have bin exhausted with new babies/kids that dont kip and blown the stack?i think you have very high standards for a young childs behaviour thowwhat i dont undersand is why you set your discipline by cm rules.i hope today is a good one for op and her little girl

GreenandBlacksAddict · 27/12/2011 16:23

She's 4 ....... they draw on other things if you don't supervise them, my son drew on the walls and the chair when left unsupervised. I am not suggesting you never leave the room but you would be better off explaining that drawing is for paper, perhaps buy her her own folder of paper etc and show her whats not acceptable as its not hers. We took one toy off our son if he did a naughty thing, if he continued to be naughty then we took a second and so on, we never took the whole lot in one go. Also think that I would stick to one type of punishment not naughty step and toy removal as this has got to be a bit too much for her to take in. I can remember peeling the Anaglypta wallpaper off the wall in defiance when I was a child - my parents were very strict, I think we all did something when we were younger.

FabbyChic · 27/12/2011 16:23

I think your child minder needs shooting. Why can you not parent your own way?

Original poster
Pinkiemum · 27/12/2011 18:30

I never said my daughter was in time out for taking a photo of me in the loo, I used it as an example of one of the things she did the day before that upsetme, what upset me was her picking up the camera and using it without asking not so much taking the photo.

By the way we had a lovely day, we did crafting together then had a lovely teddy bears picnic in the living room, reading stories with the teddies and then dancing and sharing our lunch, she played with toys she already had and her new fur real puppy wich we let her have today.

I will not read any more of this thread as I think some of your resposnses have been quite nasty.

I admitted yesterday that I had been unreasonable, but I canot start a fight with my husband just so my daughter gets all her toys back.

My husband is by the way one of the most laid back people I have ever met and normally lets my daughter get away with most things, he is fed up with her behaviour and having her toys was the last straw and not only about the mouse mat.

OP posts:
Animation · 27/12/2011 18:40

"but I canot start a fight with my husband just so my daughter gets all her toys back."

Strange thing to say. Do you feel you cannot give her the toys back because to do so might upset your husband and cause tension between you and him?

chunkythighs · 27/12/2011 19:07

I really don't know who is worse, Your husband who is now to blame for taking the toys or you who won't stand up to him in defence of your daughter!

So the pens and camera were placed within her reach and it's her fault?

Fuck me how would you sorry your husband punish her if she got herself hurt with a sharp knife? Do you see your own responsibility in any of this?

Thick ignorant Idiots!

chunkythighs · 27/12/2011 19:09

I really don't know who is worse, Your husband who is now to blame for taking the toys or you who won't stand up to him in defence of your daughter!

So the pens and camera were placed within her reach and it's her fault?

Fuck me how would you sorry your husband punish her if she got herself hurt with a sharp knife? Do you see your own responsibility in any of this?

ScarlettIsWalking · 27/12/2011 19:25

"I canot start a fight with my husband just so my daughter gets all her toys back."

Op what do you mean? Yes you have got a hard time from some here which may not feel nice but you are really coming out with some bizzare comments. Ultimately your DD sounds like a tired, emotional little girl with a hell of a lot going on in her life and parents who have put a lot of ridiculous baggage on to her.

Do you or your Husband honestly believe she has an idea about the wider implications of the delay to sending a mouse mat to someone in Australia as a birthday present. She just picked up a pen and in the moment and scribbled on it.

If you disagreed with this silly punishment the why on earth can't you tell your husband so?

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 27/12/2011 19:42

If your husband is so lovely and so laid back why will discussing this with him cause a fight?

Sorry if I assumed her time out was due to the photo taking, but you'd been asked loads why she was in time out then you said about the photo taking - it looked very much like a reply to the question. So if she wasn't in time out for that, what was she in time out for?

Glad you've had a nice day, but still think you need to have a good hard look at some of your expectations of your DD.

mrsjay · 27/12/2011 20:26

So you had a lovely day your dd had a ball but she still hasnt got her toys back , its not really a punishment there at all , she hasnt really learned anything , I know we ALL parent differently have our own discipline etc but as i said before your dd hasnt really learned anything ,