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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have taken most of my nearly 4 year old'sDD's Christmas presents away

184 replies

Pinkiemum · 26/12/2011 19:49

And some of her other toys as she scribbled all over a mouse mat we had made to send to my father for his birthday. It had a photo of her and her baby brother on it and now I have had to order another and hope it arrives in time so I can send it to Australia for his birthday.

She was actually being punished at the time for being naughty and should not have been doing anything apart from sitting on the naughty chair in the study. (The reason we took the other toys is we don't think she will really notice the loss of her Christmas presents having only had them for one day)

OP posts:
herbietea · 26/12/2011 21:06

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naturalbaby · 26/12/2011 21:08

put yourself in her shoes. she's having a tough time, she wants to spend time with you. Grandparents are great but they can't replace quality time with you.

yes of course she has to learn rules and boundaries but imo the best way to teach a child things like that are with kindness and understanding. be a good role model for her. kids this age are very impulsive. you can't expect perfect behaviour when she's tired/overexcited so you need to give her more time/attention and help her do the right thing. don't wait for her to mess up and focus on how naughty she is and how to punish her behaviour. work out how to prevent her doing the wrong thing in the first place.

HowlingBitch · 26/12/2011 21:09

Yup. Kids don't mind if it's bad attention they get or good. It doesn't excuse what she did but I do think the punishment was too extreme but it's done now.

If you do feel that you have made a mistake (you are stressed) why don't you try being alittle sneaky an suggest that her baby brother wants her to have her toys back? But remind her of what she did was wrong etc...

BarfTheHeraldAngelsHeave · 26/12/2011 21:11

My DS was a little horror when DD was born, but we worked through it, set aside time that was just his with either me or DH and rewarded the good behaviour.

If you keep punishing your 3yo instead of rewarding the good bits she's going to carry on playing up. Taking away a 3yos xmas presents on boxing day is rotten.

ArtVandelay · 26/12/2011 21:13

Wow - that sounds like the kind of complex and over the top punishment my father would have given me as a child. No wonder I haven't spoken to him for 5 years and he's never met his grandchild Grin

I don't want to put the boot in, I can imagine how frustrated you are but she's 4. Please forgive her and don't make a habit of harsh punishments, take a longer view on your relationship. Its only a mousemat - 6 quid at Asda? You say she's had a lot of changes recently.

redglow · 26/12/2011 21:14

You left a three year old on her own with pens,what do you expect? What a horrible mother you sound

chunkythighs · 26/12/2011 21:16

squeaky
In the childs mind the presents were given by someone other than her parents. Therefore they were special and completely out of order to take them.

OP It is up to you to ensure that your child is placed somewhere safe to complete her time out so she is not wholly to blame IMO.

You're stressed and tired I'll give you that but you clearly have done a bang up job of creating a horrible Christmas memory for your child when she already going through a tough time. So yes you are VU!

Original poster
Pinkiemum · 26/12/2011 21:16

Culture What wine? I am breastfeeding therefore not drinking.

Fabby I do give her attention, but it is sometimes hard when my son spends all afternoon attached to my breast, he likes to spend the afternoon cluster feeding which makes it difficult when it's just the three of us, but I read to her while I am breastfeeding, I even sat on the floor, while baby feeding and built with blocks not the most comfortable thing to do but I am trying to giver her attention. It has not helped that I have had a terrible cold.

My husband has also worked a lot from home since the baby was born so he can give her attention.

By the way she does not seem all that upset about her presents, she has not cried, which believe me she does if she is not happy.

As to her having too many presents, I can't stop her relatives giving her lots of toys, I have asked for clothes for her birthday as I feel she has far too many toys and at least a hundred books to read most of which we have been given.

OP posts:
jaffacake2 · 26/12/2011 21:19

How sad for a 3year old to be so strictly disciplined at Christmas , I hope that you have rethought your parenting by some of the comments. Poor child, her memories of Christmas are not going to be good are they?
Maybe you could leave the festive time with something positive for her, she must be feeling awful.

ArtVandelay · 26/12/2011 21:21

My friends daughter is exactly the same age and she got a new sister 3 months ago. She is back to pooing herself, tinkling on the furniture and refusing kindergarten! She's not normally this naughty either. You must be doing a pretty good job (normally) if all your DDs doing is a bit of scribbling :)

fireandthefury · 26/12/2011 21:22

WHY WAS SHE ON THE NAUGHTY STEP IN THE FIRST PLACE OP???

FabbyChic · 26/12/2011 21:23

Your daughter needs attention. Her needs have to take priority, involve her in the care of your son, she is being the way she is because you are NEGLECTING HER.

Kewcumber · 26/12/2011 21:25

even child at the advanced age of 4 have very poor impulse control and as someone said she will not have understood the significance of it being a special present. I have left my DS on his own on timeout (personally I don;t use it as it doesn't work on him but I understand it does work with some children) but I am slightly baffled about why you can't ignore a 3/4 yr old who is in the same room as you. time out at that age is only supposed to be 4 minutes - how hard is it to ignore them that longConfused. Without wanting to state the bleedin' obvious it doesn't work with your DD either!

I used to use time in for DS - ie he had to come and sit quietly on my lap for the appropriate time and if he screamed, wailed moaned etc we started the count again until he'd done 4 minutes quietly. It had the added benefit of giving attention and closeness to a child who might be feeling excluded or unsettled.

Am also confused about how its a punishment if she doesn;t seem bothered by it - also IME punishments which last for a prolonged period (ie days or weeks) are inappropriate for a child this young.

If she has too many toys then just put some away - no need to use them as a big stick to beat her with.

Kewcumber · 26/12/2011 21:29

"I have never left my DS on his own on timeout"

HowlingBitch · 26/12/2011 21:29

Ok this is getting vicious now it's hardly neglect.

ItsSnowDarling · 26/12/2011 21:32

So to sum up, your DD is being punished for having a new sibling, for you being exhausted, for her sibling cluster feeding all afternoon, for your DH being away and for your cold.

Is it any wonder she is playing up at the moment - her whole world has been turned upside down and while having Grandparents around is lovely they are no substitute for you.

Please re-think this - she is three. This is not a suitable punishment.

ThatVikRinA22 · 26/12/2011 21:32

op do you realise you have posted in a topic called am i being unreasonable....??????
you have asked a question. the answer is yes - you are.

people have said you are. lots of people. no one is going to change their mind.

why did you post, again? do you actually want to know if what you did is unreasonable? are you needing advice?
or are you just being unreasonable?

D0G · 26/12/2011 21:33

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AitchTwoOHoHoHo · 26/12/2011 21:33

i really loathe the naughty step thing, tbh, but if you are going to use that sort of parenting tool then it's up to you to make sure that precious gifts and PENS aren't within reach. i really think you have fucked up massively, and i think even you know that. look at what the kid has been through recently... added to which all the stress and upheaval of Christmas and grandparents visiting... more kindness and attention needed here, not less.

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 26/12/2011 21:36

No it is not neglect and the OP is not a horrid parent.

I am quite sure she adores her little girl. She just needs a better understanding of how children think at that age.

Once you get more of an insight, even if they are being really hard work, behaviour can seem a easier to deal with.

Many children will express any sort of excitment, worry, fear, happiness, sadness - whatever - in the form of silly/giddy/naughty behaviour. They dont really know what else to do with themselves.

Hence thousands of normally 'easy' children driving their parents bonkers in the build up to Christmas.

Christmas, a birthday coming up AND a new baby? No wonder she is indulging in a bit of scribbling.

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/12/2011 21:40

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/12/2011 21:41

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HowlingBitch · 26/12/2011 21:45

Very well said MrsD and SGM.

reallytired · 26/12/2011 21:47

This is a fanastic book

How to talk so the kids will listen and listen so the kids talk

The author is opposed to punishments that are arbitary and prefers children to have natural consequences. Of course punishing children by the natural consequences of their actions is not always possible. I think that time outs are useful in those circumstances, but should not be used too often. I only put my two year old in time out for hurting her brother. I haven't used time out with my nine year old for a long time.

Sometimes punishments can actually make children feel better when they have done something bad. If a child does not understand why they are being punished then it can make them angry and want revenage like scribbing on a mousemat.

For example if you said to your child in a calm voice "I feel disappointed that you scribbed on the mousemat. It was meant to be a present for X" then they will feel guilty. The book also has ideas on assertiveness and good communication.

It is hard having a young baby and a toddler. Tiredness and the stress of christmas makes it hard for anyone.

Kewcumber · 26/12/2011 21:47

I agree - calling it neglect is ridiculous. We've all misjudged things at some point.

I do also wonder if you are comparing her to your baby and she seems much more grown up and capable of rationale thought than she really is.