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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have taken most of my nearly 4 year old'sDD's Christmas presents away

184 replies

Pinkiemum · 26/12/2011 19:49

And some of her other toys as she scribbled all over a mouse mat we had made to send to my father for his birthday. It had a photo of her and her baby brother on it and now I have had to order another and hope it arrives in time so I can send it to Australia for his birthday.

She was actually being punished at the time for being naughty and should not have been doing anything apart from sitting on the naughty chair in the study. (The reason we took the other toys is we don't think she will really notice the loss of her Christmas presents having only had them for one day)

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinkiemum · 26/12/2011 21:52

Ok I am and so is my husband being unreasonable, my child is not being neglected, though I did actually have my son on my breast when my husband took her out of her room, so it would have been a little hard to stop him and I do not like to question his parenting especially not in front of his parents . I do not myself put her in the study and had no idea my husband had moved the present to th computer desk which never normally has pens of any sort on them.

Yes we over reacted because we had no idea what to do about her behaviour.

I do actually follow the advice of my child minder who is qualified in child care she she puts the children in another room when in time out and the time does not start until they stop crying

I also did want to know if I was being unreasonable as I have found the last couple of days quite stressful.

She has misbehaved quite badly and although I can laugh at it now and it was my fault for leaving the camera where she could get at it, I did not find it all that funny when she opened the toilet door and took a photo of me while I was pulling my trousers up, thank god for digital cameras. and the delete button.

I am off to bed now if my son will let me sleep.

OP posts:
fireandthefury · 26/12/2011 21:55

Ok:

  1. I do actually follow the advice of my child minder who is qualified in child care she she puts the children in another room when in time out and the time does not start until they stop crying

Disagree completely with this. Some children would work themselves up into an utter state and not stop sobbing for a long time. I would be distinctly pissed off if anyone did this to my children.

  1. She has misbehaved quite badly and although I can laugh at it now and it was my fault for leaving the camera where she could get at it, I did not find it all that funny when she opened the toilet door and took a photo of me while I was pulling my trousers up, thank god for digital cameras. and the delete button.

She is THREE!!! She has NO concept whatsoever of adult modesty. That is NOT misbehaving quite badly and I pity any child who is punished for simply not understanding very adult taboos.

RosemaryandThyme · 26/12/2011 21:58

The way things have gone for you today mean that your child has no link between her behaviour and toys being removed.

Going back to the start, your DH asked her to do something, she then screamed for 20 mins.

What was she being asked to do ?
How was she asked ?

You and DH could do with a stragey for how to get her to do as she is required to, regardless of her screaming or protesting.

Rewards for willing co-operation are effective carrots.

Letting her suffer the consequences of refusal is effective disipline, ie refusing to put a coat on - let her go out and get cold.

You have mistakenly bought into the idea of "ignoring the child" - the idea is to ignore the childs behaviour, not the child themselves.

ScramblyEgg · 26/12/2011 21:59

So what she was originally on the naughty chair for was taking a photo of you pulling your trousers up?

That in itself seems pretty unreasonable, unless you've previously told her that she's not to take photos of you pulling your trousers up.

redglow · 26/12/2011 21:59

I am qualified in childcare and disagree with this completely. I would find a new childminder, poor child.

YuleingFanjo · 26/12/2011 22:01

Why are you asking if you are unrreasonable? Given that you had already done it before you posted. Has someone suggested you are being unreasonable? You say your husband approves so why ask the question when clearly you are happy with the way you have decided to punish your child?

StewieGriffinsMom · 26/12/2011 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AitchTwoOHoHoHo · 26/12/2011 22:03

agree with fireandfury on both counts, unfortunately. but then i don't like the time out thing, as said before. it's only to be used for the most HEINOUS crimes imo (actually thinking about it i've only used it when I'VE been at a loss to know what to do next and need a moment to myself to think). i do like that how to talk book, it's all very obvious stuff that you are probably doing but it's nice to have it all in one place.

a childminder isn't a parent, they can afford to listen to a child screaming in a room, precisely because a. they have other paying kids to look out for and b. they aren't the ones who the children love beyond measure and look to for everything in the world.

eastnorth · 26/12/2011 22:03

Please tell me that not all childminders do this. I would be so upset if my son was being treated like this as he goes to a childminder.

AitchTwoOHoHoHo · 26/12/2011 22:04

also, taking a photo of you on the toilet is HILARIOUS. i laughed like a drain when dd did the same to me aged three. that's what the delete button is for, but in the meantime it's a fun joke between a mum and her daughter.

Xales · 26/12/2011 22:05

She has misbehaved quite badly and although I can laugh at it now and it was my fault for leaving the camera where she could get at it, I did not find it all that funny when she opened the toilet door and took a photo of me while I was pulling my trousers up, thank god for digital cameras. and the delete button.

Massive over reaction!

As you say yourself there is a delete button!

An explanation that we don't take pictures of people in the bathroom (or play with expensive items) is all that was required.

LadyBeagleBaublesAndBells · 26/12/2011 22:06

It's only Boxing day and already AIBU is full of parents being totally U around their kids.
It's all utterly depressing.Xmas Sad

herbietea · 26/12/2011 22:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ZZZenAgain · 26/12/2011 22:09

well hope you do get a decent night's sleep and tomorrow is a new day. Try and have a bit of fun with her tomorrow. She is 3, it is so easy to get them to giggle at that age. Do some nice things, put it behind you.

when you have a bit of peace of mind, I would suggest you rethink other "punishment ideas" if that is the right term for it which sit better with you. I am not a great fan of your childminder's strategies to be honest

ageperfect · 26/12/2011 22:12

she is 4....poor little mitten...that's what they do 12 hr per day-they do everything opposite from what they are supposed to do...Xmas Sad for her...

MildlyNarkyPuffin · 26/12/2011 22:12

She has a new baby brother who is attached to you for a lot of the time. Getting your attention has become more important to her now there's 'competition' for it. Being naughty means you can't ignore her - if you do she does something else naughty!

The present thing, OTT or not, won't stop her.

herbietea · 26/12/2011 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

tanfastic · 26/12/2011 22:12

Try the 123 Magic method, I was tearing my hair out and had some very questionable parenting techniques until I read the book a couple of weeks ago. The change in my child is unbelievable and I've only been doing it a week. My house has been so calm over Xmas. Op you've overreacted and it does sound like you need to rethink how you discipline.

BlissfulMistletoe · 26/12/2011 22:15

Tbh I only take toys if he is using it to hit people with the toy.

I would start using praise, like if she gives the baby a kiss or finishes her lunch ect..... Make it into a big deal.

I would also scrap the naughty zone, it may work on supernanny but I use positive disaplin where he has 2 choices, like if you eat your dinner you can have an extra story/ DVD in bed or a sticker as stickers in this house once you get 10 there is a special treat

culturemulcher · 26/12/2011 22:18

Pinkie MY spelling mistake, not yours, and my wine, not yours!

I don't usually make the you're /your mistake, so I was blaming my typo on the glass of wine I'd just drunk. Xmas Confused

Turkeyfanjo · 26/12/2011 22:25

I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill. My DD is the same age, she draws pictures on unsuitable surfaces allll the time... yeah a bit cute (little people with googly eyes and curly hair!) but annoying to clean up - that's life with a 3yr old. And my DD does the camera thing too, its like a tots version of CSI on our camera, pics of a poo in the potty, scary close up of a dolls face. Chill out, if the mouse mat meant so much, you should have kept it out of her reach, you can get a replacement and it might get to Oz a bit late... I've still got a Christmas mug to send to me nan!

MidsomerM · 26/12/2011 22:25

I think this punishment is OTT, but I do sympathise. I'm a single parent. DS2 was born when DS1 was 3.8 years old. DS1 went from being a little angel to being an absolute monster. I was stunned and devastated. He broke things, hit his baby brother, spat at me - I just didn't know what to do. I remember in a moment of confused fury I confiscated all his toy trains - a whole box of them. It quickly felt wrong and pointless - he was too young to relate the continued absence of his trains to the moment of the misdemeanour, so I returned them on the pretext of a reward for something good he'd done.

I found the first 3 months very hard, but then it got easier. I also found that rewarding even the tiniest bit of good behaviour (eating a meal without fuss, passing me something for a nappy change, basically not moaning all the time!) had a far greater effect than punishing bad behaviour. DS1 learned that he could still do things that pleased me, and chose to do those things rather than destructive ways to get attention.

ScarlettIsWalking · 26/12/2011 22:27

The poor child is THREE not four!

I would rather you didn't update this OP as every post makes me feel quite sick to my stomach for the way you are treating your daughter. She is a little girl that you admit has even through a hell of a lot recently.

Reading what you write I dont know if you actually have any feelings at all.

bakingno4 · 26/12/2011 22:30

Sounds a bit strict but I think yaNbu she's only had the toys a day and needs to learn not to distort things when angry!

culturemulcher · 26/12/2011 22:39

Scarlett that's a bit harsh. OP is not neglecting her child. Of course she has feelings. If she was an ultra-strict disciplinarian she wouldn't have posted in AIBU.