to be sitting here crying on Christmas day? Need hand holding, please.

[JaneFonda]

I'll try and make this as short as possible. (Sorry, this is sort of another MIL one, hope I'm not BU just for that!)

Basically, me and DP have been together since we were teenagers, and have 4 DCs together. We're not planning on getting married, neither of us are religious and we're happy as we are. DP's mum (I'll call her MIL, just easier) hasn't ever been happy with this arrangement - previous thread showing she's very strongly Christian!

Anyway, the plan was for me, DP and our DCs to go over to PIL's for Christmas dinner, and stay overnight for a walk on Boxing Day. DP has been in a lot of pain recently - the GP suspected appendicitis, but sent DP away on the warning to go straight to hospital if anything worsened. At lunch, he suddenly deteriorated and was rushed to hospital to have his appendix out. Thankfully, it was done in time and there are no problems.

I went to hospital with him, and he's now in overnight but I had to get back for the DCs (DTwins are only 4 months). I felt absolutely awful leaving him, but he's really just sleeping now so we agreed I'd go back to PIL's and then return to the hospital in the morning.

I got back to PIL's and after about 5 minutes, MIL pipes up with: "Are you off now then?" I was a bit confused because the plan was for us to stay over, but she said if DP wasn't here there was no point, because Christmas is meant to be for 'real' family. I thought she was joking a bit, so laughed and asked her if that meant we're not real family, and she said that I am certainly not, because me and DP aren't married, so perhaps I should go, but DCs could stay for the night.

Obviously, I wasn't prepared to leave my DCs there and go home by myself, so drove me and my four lovely DCs home, trying not to let them see me cry. They are now snuggled up watching Ratatouille and I've popped upstairs to have a sob.

AIBU to feel like MIL has ruined the Christmas afternoon? Or WIBU to take the DCs home with me, when I'm sure they wanted to spend time with their grandparents? Feeling so alone and worried, even though I know DP will be fine, I feel awful that I've left him. :(

Good grief - what an utter cow!

I think you should tell your DP quickly and factually what happened and discuss it more fully when he feels better.

I also think you should close off all routes of communication with your MIL until you have decided how you want to go forward - ask the hospital not to give information to her - or get DP to do so, don't answer any calls or call her. When your DP is better you can deal with the issue as a family unit.

I don't see why you should have to get married secretly to deal with this woman's issues - your relationship is entirely legitimate. Just make sure all the individual legal issues are sorted out - easy enough to do.

Best of luck.

Personally I'd tell DP as soon as possible.

Look on it as a lucky escape. She has shown her true colours and gives you the chance to legally sort things before she can call the shots or try to on something important like medical or funeral arrangements.

Please take proper legal advice in the new year or marry (you do
not need to tell anyone). The cheapest way to get the protection is probably a registry office marriage.

How old is she? has she always been like this, only the glue thing and now this seems quite odd. I appreciate that she will always have been pro marriage but I am wondering if she is developing an illness which is impacting negatively upon her? My grandfather's personality totally changed as his dementia took hold.

You do not treat ANYONE like that! I hate people that hide their vile nasty behaviour behind the cloak of Christianity. I would have thrown that back in her face, and asked her if she knows her Bible well, and tell her to read the parable of the Good Samaritan. She is going to be the one that walks on by.

'A Christian attitude'-words fail me!
YANBU-hope that you feel better today.

(If you are not married I would take proper legal advice- with his parents against you -you could be in a mess if he died. Sorry-not a nice subject at Christmas but I have been a widow and it really isn't 'just a piece of paper', despite what people tell you.)

I would tell your dp as soon as he is out of hospital, and never let her darken my doorstep again, nor would I go there either.

What a bitch. MIL not you OP.

That is absolutely outrageous behaviour OP you definitely have to raise this with your DP when he is feeling better a marriage certificate is a piece of paper how does she attach quite that much value to it?

You and your children sound like you would be best off without her I wouldn't be going back under any circumstances unless she apologised though I expect any 1 given wouldn't be genuine and you will continue to have these issues due to her deep-seated issues.

Agree it's a Shame for your FIL but he needs to take some control here and explain her behaviour is unacceptable. I assume he also a Christian yet manages to also be a rational person unlike MIL.

Blimey I'm just shocked there are people like that out there

What a revolting woman - I have numerous (huge) issues with my MIL over the years but she has never treated me as anything less than family, even before me and DH were married.

Perhaps you should point out to her that if she is trying to convert you or your kids to her supposedly Christian way of thinking, she's doing a pretty poor job behaving like that.

It did cross my mind though, like another poster a little way up thread that her behaviour might be more that just a mad attitude and the sign of some physical or mental illness.

What a toxic old witch. I remember reading about her glueing the pages together, and I didnt think she could get much worse.
But to throw you all out on Christmas day!!!

Altho I had to laugh at her wanting you to sleep in seperate bedrooms, how does she think you produced her Grandchildren???

Ditch the bitch.

I actually don't even mind her not wanting them in the same bed, to some religious people sex outside of marriage is a sin and against their faith, I would happily respect that, if that were the only issue. But its not I hope that the OP is using this is a major wake up call and stops the toxic gran from either never seeing the grandchildren until she gets help, or only getting supervised.

She can't be left alone with them again if she thinks her parents are so sinful she'd alienate them from their own parents her mother in particular.

How appalling! I'd be angrier than I knew how to deal with after something like that.

I agree with everyone else that you are as family as it gets with 4 children, marriage certificate or not. And if she doesn't see that now (either can't or more probably won't) then hey, your children aren't her "real" family either. So she can kiss goodbye to seeing them or you again with her evil attitude.

And definitely tell your DP as soon as you see him - an appendix (as long as it is straightforward) is a fairly quick recovery and this is important. I'd want to tell him when I picked him up from hospital.

I'm still angry on your behalf just thinking about it. 4 children, 2 of which are infants, a partner in hospital - presumably no food in because expecting to be there overnight & the next day - and she kicks you out on Christmas day. "Inasmuch as ye have done it for them, ye have done it for me."

What a bitch. I would suggest she speaks to her vicar about what she did and be grateful she is not your 'real' family.

OP, I am absolutely seething on your behalf!!! And feel so sorry for how your Christmas has worked out . Glad your dp is okay though. I think I'd reduce contact to the absolute minimum... what an absolute cow to turf you out like that on Christmas Day of all days.

I don't think so Dum some people are just plain nasty.

Oh good grief what a horrible horrible woman. I'd be having nothing to do with her (and trying to limit my DCs contact with her aswell).

I'd bloody well get married to spite her - big do, massive party, the works...but don't invite her

Quite possibly, Piglet and I'm certainly not making excuses for her.

The book glueing thing though is just bonkers surely?

What an awful snidey bitch of a woman, and I hope your DP tells her so, as soon as he is well enough. I hope by alienating you she is prepared to alienate her real family as well, because she is about to learn a harsh lesson about family bonds and priorities.

Oh! Is this the book glueing woman? Well that figures! Fecking lunatic.

Some people are just strange, there is nowt as queer as folk.

loveisblooming has just given me a brilliantly wicked idea.

OP you could go and speak to her vicar and tell him that you are very worried about your MIL (ish) and think she'd benefit from him having a chat with her, explain about the book and kicking you out at Christmas.

The old bag would be mortified that the vicar knew how she was abusing her religion and faith. She'll be one of those first class hypocrites all holy and pious on a Sunday morning and a total bitch the minute the last Amen is sounded.

Approach the vicar as full of concern for her, let them know what the old bag is up to. That will set the cat amongst the pidgeons. If she wants crap I'd bring it on, out of concern for her of course.

OP you MIL is not a Christian or at least not a proper one. I'm a Christian and I would not have sent you away. In fact all the Christians I know would never send the Mother of their Grand children away or make such horrible comments. Is it possible for you to have a word with your FIL? Also do tell your DP as soon as possible. Hope he's better soon.

Sitandnatter, that is inspired! Hope today is a better day for you op.

I have an overly religious mother who took years to train that we couldn't be blackmailed with her religion, she couldn't control us with it but I'm telling you it was a battle. She even sent a priest around to tell me how much my not going to church was hurting her and tried to guilt trip me into going to church, not for my benefit but so I stopped hurting my mum (old school religion by guilt trip rubbish)

Later the priests got more modern and told her in no uncertain terms that if we went to church to please her but hated it, then it would do no good and turn us more against the church. The worst nightmare would be for her (MILish) Vicar/priest to be brought into her thoroughly appalling and disgusting behaviour.

Naturally DIL (ish) would be acting out of complete concern and care for MIL (ish), the old trout will be mortified, guaranteed and there'd be nothing she could do about it. She's using her religion to be a bjtch it only seems fair to me.