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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be sitting here crying on Christmas day? Need hand holding, please.

300 replies

JaneFonda · 25/12/2011 18:28

I'll try and make this as short as possible. (Sorry, this is sort of another MIL one, hope I'm not BU just for that!)

Basically, me and DP have been together since we were teenagers, and have 4 DCs together. We're not planning on getting married, neither of us are religious and we're happy as we are. DP's mum (I'll call her MIL, just easier) hasn't ever been happy with this arrangement - previous thread showing she's very strongly Christian!

Anyway, the plan was for me, DP and our DCs to go over to PIL's for Christmas dinner, and stay overnight for a walk on Boxing Day. DP has been in a lot of pain recently - the GP suspected appendicitis, but sent DP away on the warning to go straight to hospital if anything worsened. At lunch, he suddenly deteriorated and was rushed to hospital to have his appendix out. Thankfully, it was done in time and there are no problems.

I went to hospital with him, and he's now in overnight but I had to get back for the DCs (DTwins are only 4 months). I felt absolutely awful leaving him, but he's really just sleeping now so we agreed I'd go back to PIL's and then return to the hospital in the morning.

I got back to PIL's and after about 5 minutes, MIL pipes up with: "Are you off now then?" I was a bit confused because the plan was for us to stay over, but she said if DP wasn't here there was no point, because Christmas is meant to be for 'real' family. I thought she was joking a bit, so laughed and asked her if that meant we're not real family, and she said that I am certainly not, because me and DP aren't married, so perhaps I should go, but DCs could stay for the night.

Obviously, I wasn't prepared to leave my DCs there and go home by myself, so drove me and my four lovely DCs home, trying not to let them see me cry. They are now snuggled up watching Ratatouille and I've popped upstairs to have a sob.

AIBU to feel like MIL has ruined the Christmas afternoon? Or WIBU to take the DCs home with me, when I'm sure they wanted to spend time with their grandparents? Feeling so alone and worried, even though I know DP will be fine, I feel awful that I've left him. :(

OP posts:
PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 25/12/2011 18:43

Hope your DP is soon on the mend and safe at home with you and the DCs where he belongs!
You could dig out quite a few Bible quotations that would put the bitchqueenmilmaysheburninhell in her place if you wanted to - Christian love and duty and charity and Good Samaritan and "in My name" and all that, but I suspect you probably just want the next contact you have with her to be her funeral, and I can't say I blame you. Thank goodness you can drive! I'd have been totally stuck in your position.

Original poster
JaneFonda · 25/12/2011 18:43

Thank you everyone for your kind words - you are all so supportive and I was half expecting to be told I was being a drama queen by leaving their house! I think DC are quite unaware of it, they know that their daddy's going to be fine so are just enjoying the Christmas TV really. :o

I think MIL wanted to go to the hospital with DP, but one of the paramedics just popped me in the back of the ambulance with him without saying a word, otherwise she would have fought to go with him!

OP posts:
ScorpionQueen · 25/12/2011 18:44

I don't normally swear on MN but what a fucking bitch. I would refuse to ever go there again. How could she be so uncaring and cruel?

When your partner is recovered, gently explain to him why you won't be visiting there again in a hurry.

Sending a very un-mumsnet like hug your way.

Oh, and to add, yanbu to take your kids home and away from that poisonous old cow!

ChablisLover · 25/12/2011 18:44

As the mother of her grandchildren you are real family and I don't think she has a very Christian attitude and outlook if she feels differently.

An just gob smacked.

Hope dp is better soon

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 25/12/2011 18:45

Just give the hospital a quick ring and ask them to on no account tell anyone anything over the phone, not even to admit he's there. That'll fettle the bitch, and when she phones you say "oh sorry, I only tell my real family intimate details of my partner's medical condition" and hang up on her!

Liluri · 25/12/2011 18:45

And a quick comment about your FIL.
He may be a lovely man and a wonderful Grandfather, but he should have stood up for you, and he should have told his wife how unacceptable her behaviour was.

Part of being a good grandfather is protecting the best interests of his grandchildren .... even if that means challenging his harpie of a wife.

Original poster
JaneFonda · 25/12/2011 18:46

Would it be silly of me to wait a couple of weeks until DP is fully fit again before speaking to him about it? Don't want to add any more stress than is necessary. No doubt MIL will try to contact him to tell her side of the story, but I would rather discuss everything with him once he's better, including, like ChitChatting said, deciding what to do about next of kin.

OP posts:
molepomandmistletoe · 25/12/2011 18:46

Next time if you have the bad luck to meet her again and she decides to throw the whole unmarried thing in your face, tell her that Joseph and Mary weren't married and neither was Jesus and Mary Magdelaine. If it was a good enough arrangement for them ,it's good enough for you. The whole sodding marriage concept wasnt thought of until loooong after the bible was written.

Then tell her to shove her bigoted views right up her arse and the only time she will step inside your house or you and the kids step in hers is the day she apologises and wakes up. She is not setting a good example to the kids and it obviously didnt have any effect on her son either, and yet, he's been a better "husband" than most married couples that you know of!

StillSquiffy · 25/12/2011 18:46

You should toast the fact that you are justified in turfing her out of your life and need never exchange words with her ever again.

Witch.

molepomandmistletoe · 25/12/2011 18:47

Your DH will be fine by the way, I had mine out and although I was sore for a few days, he'll be beack on his feet in no time. xx

SHoHoHodan · 25/12/2011 18:47

What a nasty, nasty person she is. Don't you dare cry any more over such an unpleasant individual- she's not worth your tears.

There is one upside- at least you don't have to spend your Christmas evening in her company. Have a lovely relaxing time in the comfort of your own home- a hot bath/piles of chocolate- whatever makes you feel good and look forward to your DP coming home on the mend.

pigletmania · 25/12/2011 18:47

What a nasty piece of work, and they have the audacity to call themselves Christian Angry. Its both of your decision not to marry, not just yours. They think you are going to leave the dcs with them, noway hose, what utter cunts.

SantasNutellaFairy · 25/12/2011 18:48

Jane- I think leaving it until the new year would be the best course of action. DP will be trying to recover physically and mentally from such a sudden illness- I hope he's better soon.

herbietea · 25/12/2011 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pigletmania · 25/12/2011 18:48

I would refuse to go there again, and have them over, if dp wants to go there with dcs then he can, but I would not allow them in my house again.

suburbophobe · 25/12/2011 18:49

You poor thing, what a BIATCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Indeed, Christian, what?!! These people don't know the meaning of the word!!

Don't let her unchristian ways get you down OP! You are better than her....

lololizzy · 25/12/2011 18:50

It would be vile and shocking at any time of year but done today, it's going to feel worse. When i received that letter..it was like she'd deliberately chosen that exact time...day...i took it far worse because of that. As SHo says...you don't have to spend more time with her, that's a present in a way!

bagelmonkey · 25/12/2011 18:50

YANBU. You did the right thing by leaving that nasty woman's house. I suspect she's jealous that you are the most important woman in her son's life, not her & she wanted to go in the ambulance.

pigletmania · 25/12/2011 18:50

oh its the thread with the MIL who glued the book on many faiths together. she sounds like a total nut job.

discrete · 25/12/2011 18:51

And then religious people ask why non-religious people are a bit Hmm about it all...

TheMonster · 25/12/2011 18:51

You are most certainly NOT a drama queen. What a horrid woman. I would not want anything to do with her after that.
I no longer have anything to do with my in-laws and it feels great!

yellowraincoat · 25/12/2011 18:55

You did absolutely the right thing. What a horrible woman she sounds.

NoOnesGoingToEatYourMincePies · 25/12/2011 18:58

What an evil cow.

If she's such a nasty, cold-hearted bitch that all it takes to be part of her family or not is a bit of paper then I feel sorry for her.

Because she might claim to be a christian but she's not. Not if she can say something like that and mean it.

Family is in your heart, not in a church service or a marriage certificate, and she doesn't have one.

Turkeyfanjo · 25/12/2011 18:59

As a Christian myself, what your MIL has done on Christmas day no less is to throw the mother of her grandchildren out on the street; well in my eyes, she is not a Christian. You've done nothing wrong, you couldn't have expected any of this to happen.

When your husband wakes up, I'm sure he'll try to call you and you can tell him what happened. Right now, you have to look after your children, that's what your husband will want probably anyway and he can concentrate on getting better xx

SantaDesperatelySeeksSedatives · 25/12/2011 19:00

YANBU to be upset what a nasty thing to say! Please dont waste your tears on her though. Hope your DP feels better soon.