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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be sitting here crying on Christmas day? Need hand holding, please.

300 replies

JaneFonda · 25/12/2011 18:28

I'll try and make this as short as possible. (Sorry, this is sort of another MIL one, hope I'm not BU just for that!)

Basically, me and DP have been together since we were teenagers, and have 4 DCs together. We're not planning on getting married, neither of us are religious and we're happy as we are. DP's mum (I'll call her MIL, just easier) hasn't ever been happy with this arrangement - previous thread showing she's very strongly Christian!

Anyway, the plan was for me, DP and our DCs to go over to PIL's for Christmas dinner, and stay overnight for a walk on Boxing Day. DP has been in a lot of pain recently - the GP suspected appendicitis, but sent DP away on the warning to go straight to hospital if anything worsened. At lunch, he suddenly deteriorated and was rushed to hospital to have his appendix out. Thankfully, it was done in time and there are no problems.

I went to hospital with him, and he's now in overnight but I had to get back for the DCs (DTwins are only 4 months). I felt absolutely awful leaving him, but he's really just sleeping now so we agreed I'd go back to PIL's and then return to the hospital in the morning.

I got back to PIL's and after about 5 minutes, MIL pipes up with: "Are you off now then?" I was a bit confused because the plan was for us to stay over, but she said if DP wasn't here there was no point, because Christmas is meant to be for 'real' family. I thought she was joking a bit, so laughed and asked her if that meant we're not real family, and she said that I am certainly not, because me and DP aren't married, so perhaps I should go, but DCs could stay for the night.

Obviously, I wasn't prepared to leave my DCs there and go home by myself, so drove me and my four lovely DCs home, trying not to let them see me cry. They are now snuggled up watching Ratatouille and I've popped upstairs to have a sob.

AIBU to feel like MIL has ruined the Christmas afternoon? Or WIBU to take the DCs home with me, when I'm sure they wanted to spend time with their grandparents? Feeling so alone and worried, even though I know DP will be fine, I feel awful that I've left him. :(

OP posts:
GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 26/12/2011 01:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

giraffesCantDanceAtXmasParties · 26/12/2011 01:20

bitch!

blackeyedsanta · 26/12/2011 01:22

this is the one who likes to pretend she is christian, but clearly is not behaving like you would expect. how nasty of her.Xmas Angry

how his your dp? hope he is recovering and you are too. you did the right thing to take your children away. you are family. you come as a package. I hope that you have a bette day tomorrow.

CumpyGruntWithJinglyBellsOn · 26/12/2011 01:22

OP, Just think - Fuck her, No More, That's enough now.

She's shown her true colours now, for all to see.

I hope you & your DC have a wonderful time together, support each other & DP.

& when all this is over, she will have shot herself in the foot.

Enjoy being in the right, & have a great time Xmas Grin

Merry Christmas x

magicwoodyallenzombiejesus · 26/12/2011 01:26

Nor do you come across like that Jane, neither on this nor the book thread.Xmas Smile
Many people on this thread and me (who despite the nn is not atheist but my own personal jesus has a sense of humour, god knows he'd need one) think her behaviour is awful full-stop, let alone on xmas day, let alone when your DP is in hospital.
The fact that she purports to be a christian is merely icing on the irony cake.
Do not feel guilty. You have not potrayed her as anything. You have merely written down what she has said/done and the Internet says Nooooooooooo
Have as good a sleep as you can and hope DP is better tomorrow. God bless and sleep tight. xx

Fairytightsonmychristmastree · 26/12/2011 01:28

How rude. Just how rude.

It would be game over for her when it comes to spending any special days with the children in future then. Why would you ever want to spend any time with a cow like her at christmas and DC birthdays when she is such a cold hearted bitch?? You wont want to and WHY would you ever not be with your own DC on special occassions? You wouldnt. So she has just spent her last ever christmas day with her DC (if I were you). If DP wants to take the DC to see her any other time, fine, I would not deny them the relationship, but special occassions where I would want to be involved (as their mum) would be a MASSIVE NO WAY to spending anytime with her.

What an absolute cold bitch. Asbolutely no need and no excuse.

I hope you have calmed down now.

slowburner · 26/12/2011 01:29

I hope your dp is fast on the mend, and I think your mil is a witch. Horrible way to treat you and her grandchildren! On Christmas day of all days, with your dp in hospital and 4 smalls to look after. Hope you mainlined chocolate!

Yulewithadragontattoo · 26/12/2011 01:43

Coupled with the other thread about your MIL she sounds crazy and I'd be giving her a wide birth. To try and give her the benefit of the doubt I wonder if she might have just been so stressed out about her son being ill that she expressed herself badly. Maybe she just thought that as you wouldn't be able to have the Boxing Day you'd planned (due to DP being in hosp) you might want to go and sleep in your own beds and just expressed it horribly?? I hope it's something like that as the alternative is so horrible.

I hope you DP is OK.

empirestateofmind · 26/12/2011 01:51

Wow she is a class A nutcase. Well done for behaving with dignity in such a stressful situation.

I agree with those saying tell your DP as soon as possible. Otherwise she will spin him a line.

Separate beds? With four DCs? What did your DP/FIL think of that?

ZenNudist · 26/12/2011 01:52

You poor thing. Not read rest of thread but my heart goes out to you, such an awful thing for MIL to say. Heartless uncharitable and you should avoid her til she apologises. She sounds deranged.

sashh · 26/12/2011 03:48

What a bitch.

Hope partner is on the mend.

You have a great partner, great childrena nd a great FIL - next year have Xmas at your place and invite FIL only.

RealiTreeCoveredInTinsel · 26/12/2011 03:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LEttletownofBOFlehem · 26/12/2011 04:06

Going senile? Or just a nasty piece of work?

CheerfulYank · 26/12/2011 04:14

So sorry Jane. What a terrible c-bag to make you feel like that, with DP ill and teeny little ones and ON CHRISTMAS DAY. Am fuming on your behalf!

I am a devout-in-my-own-way Christian and find her behavior terrible. Can't believe the nerve of some people!

I hope DP feels better soon and that you and your babies have a good time the rest of the holiday.

SilentBoob · 26/12/2011 04:27

On a practical level, presumably the first thing your husband will say on seeing you at visiting time is "oh, why did you decide not to stay at my parents after all??" to which you tell him what happens. Ridiculous idea to keep it a secret. Tell him - why wouldn't you?

It's a shame when you ;left that you didn't pop your head into the kitchen and say goodbye to FiL. You say he is lovely, and that MiL will be putting her version of events to him - if you had just sought him out and said "Sorry FiL, I'm afraid MiL thinks we ought to go home now DH isn't here as I'm not really family" then it would have been out in the open.

I do feel a little bit OP that in all your attempts to be the better person you are almost colluding with MiL in her rudeness towards you - sneaking home with the children, tail between your legs instead of saying "HANG ON A MINUTE YOU MENTALIST...!". I am sure you are a very nice person, and it is obvious that you don't want to make the situation worse for the people you care about, but the situation is ALREADY worse. Stop being a victim in the face of her lunatic behaviour. Stop taking her 'power' so seriously. You have four children. You will be doing them and everyone a favour by not standing for it any more. Sometimes, not rocking the boat doesn't make you a good person, it makes you an idiot.

I hope I've not been harsh. I wish you all the best with it OP, sounds hard.

iscream · 26/12/2011 04:57

Jane, I am so sorry. Believe me, that woman would be the one causing family tension, NOT you.

I thought gluing the pages of that book post was one of the most outrageous things I have ever read, until now that is.
You and your dp could go speak with her her husband and her pastor, see if they can talk sense into her?

Please do not let her walk all over you, do not "turn the other cheek" in this instance. Tell your dh, and don't bring the kids back over.

2rebecca · 26/12/2011 05:52

I would tell your husband the situation when you see him. Tell him his mothe threw you out because he wasn't there. If she doesn't view you as family after 4 kids she never will. I wouldn't be seeing her again until she apologises and would not be staying there ever again.
Stop trying to reunite families. Some people you are better off without. She sounds bitter and nasty and self centred. I wouldn't rant about her whilst your husband is ill but would make it clear your relationship with his mother is over.

Dolcelatte · 26/12/2011 07:30

If I were you I would get married in a quiet Registry office service - just you both, DCs and two best friends as witnesses, don't invite MIL, don't even tell her until after the event. She doesn't deserve to be invited. That way you will be next of kin. I agree with the poster who said that otherwise if the unthinkable were to happen and your DP died prematurely you could be left with all sorts of problems eg MIL might want to organise the funeral etc. I know it's ghastly even to contemplate (but supposing the op had gone wrong?), but there are lots of practical reasons rather than religious reasons to get married when you have DCs.
I would not cut off the PILs as some posters have suggested because if they are good grandparents, your DCs will miss out. However, they should see them on your terms and there needs to be a frank conversation about what happened. It sounds as though MIL is one of those weird women who feel jealous and rejected when their son finds 'another woman'. You are holding all the cards here and are truly blessed with your family. Try to find it in your heart to have a little pity for MIL - she obviously needs it. Happy Xmas!

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 26/12/2011 08:06

I don't think anyone's offended JF, it was pretty clear from your posts that you weren't saying "all Christians are like this" :) honestly the last thing you should be worrying about right now is offending us lot!

Hope DP is ok and you got some rest, and that the DCs aren't too worried about their daddy. Thanks

dietstartstmoz · 26/12/2011 08:10

What an awful woman, no one would do that to their family, especially not your 'MIL'. You absolutely did the right thing in taking the DC home and not leaving them at hers.
I agree with everyone here, you do need to think about the future and becoming your DP's next of kin in the eyes of the law, be that through getting married or another way.
Tell your DP the truth, and then when he is up to it you will have to have it out with her, and if she won't relent then you should stick to your guns and not have anything to do with her. She has treated you appallingly and until she issues you a grovelling apology I would not bother with her again. She has made her feelings clear about you I'm afraid. And as for sleeping in seperate rooms-WTF? By agreeing to that you are giving in to her a little bit, as you are allowing her to treat you differently as you are not married. She sounds deranged. Avoid her, and it is not you causing family strife, it's MIL.
Well done for keeping your dignity OP. Rise above it and you should make it clear that after 4 children if she can't accept you then you need to cut your ties with her and she won't see you, and I guess that means not seeing the DC on xmas day, birthdays etc when they will be with their mommy.

bagelmonkey · 26/12/2011 08:20

You could get married and keep it a complete secret. Just for next of kin purposes etc.

CrotchFlakes · 26/12/2011 08:22

You know, this is actually a good thing -.she's finally done something, said something that NO ONE could misinterpret or claim you misunderstood - she's laid her cards firmly on the table. Which gives you the perfect comeback. No you won't spend Christmas/Easter/Birthdays with them, they are not your real family. Everytime.

I'd tell your DP and propose at the sane time - does he really want her as next of kin?

yogabird · 26/12/2011 08:28

I hope that you all have a lovely day today and that your dp makes a speedy recovery. Thinking of you all today Smile

talkingnonsense · 26/12/2011 08:35

I agree with te poster above- could you have a word with fil? Ask if he feels the same? Ask if she has always felt like this or is it a sign of something serious (dementia?). And yes you must tell dh as soon as he asks why you came home.

EssentialFattyAcid · 26/12/2011 08:39

This isn't about religion, jane. Dp's mum is jealous of you because she is no longer the primary woman in her son's life. This is very toxic behaviour and I suspect she will continue to try to undermine your relationship with her son. You need to be together with dp on this issue and not allow her to undermine you both.