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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be sitting here crying on Christmas day? Need hand holding, please.

300 replies

JaneFonda · 25/12/2011 18:28

I'll try and make this as short as possible. (Sorry, this is sort of another MIL one, hope I'm not BU just for that!)

Basically, me and DP have been together since we were teenagers, and have 4 DCs together. We're not planning on getting married, neither of us are religious and we're happy as we are. DP's mum (I'll call her MIL, just easier) hasn't ever been happy with this arrangement - previous thread showing she's very strongly Christian!

Anyway, the plan was for me, DP and our DCs to go over to PIL's for Christmas dinner, and stay overnight for a walk on Boxing Day. DP has been in a lot of pain recently - the GP suspected appendicitis, but sent DP away on the warning to go straight to hospital if anything worsened. At lunch, he suddenly deteriorated and was rushed to hospital to have his appendix out. Thankfully, it was done in time and there are no problems.

I went to hospital with him, and he's now in overnight but I had to get back for the DCs (DTwins are only 4 months). I felt absolutely awful leaving him, but he's really just sleeping now so we agreed I'd go back to PIL's and then return to the hospital in the morning.

I got back to PIL's and after about 5 minutes, MIL pipes up with: "Are you off now then?" I was a bit confused because the plan was for us to stay over, but she said if DP wasn't here there was no point, because Christmas is meant to be for 'real' family. I thought she was joking a bit, so laughed and asked her if that meant we're not real family, and she said that I am certainly not, because me and DP aren't married, so perhaps I should go, but DCs could stay for the night.

Obviously, I wasn't prepared to leave my DCs there and go home by myself, so drove me and my four lovely DCs home, trying not to let them see me cry. They are now snuggled up watching Ratatouille and I've popped upstairs to have a sob.

AIBU to feel like MIL has ruined the Christmas afternoon? Or WIBU to take the DCs home with me, when I'm sure they wanted to spend time with their grandparents? Feeling so alone and worried, even though I know DP will be fine, I feel awful that I've left him. :(

OP posts:
bagelmonkey · 27/12/2011 18:32

If you do get married, don't tell MIL. If only you & DH know you're married, it doesn't have to change anything. It can be just for the legal side of things - worst case scenario stuff.

Moominsarescary · 27/12/2011 19:04

What a horrible women and a totally unchristian thing to do telling you to go home on Xmas day when your dphad just had an operation and you with for dc, 2 only 4 months old, horrid horrid women. I'd never see her again

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 27/12/2011 20:44

My friend told me her future PILs still make her sleep separately when she and her fiancé stay at their house - they've been together 6 years. They are very strong Christians. There is no way on earth they would do what your evil MIL did. Because they are nice and have compassion for others.

Marshy · 27/12/2011 20:53

As I was reading your post, my mouth literally dropped open at the unkindness shown to you. I'm not a Christian (atheist actually) but I don't think this kind of behaviour has anything to do with faith or absence of it - more to do with just plain nastiness - hope you and DC are ok and DP making a good recovery.
Must be hard living with this in your life

chocablock · 27/12/2011 23:09

fluffy you are right, she would probably not accept a registry office wedding as a 'proper' marriage. I am Catholic and had a church wedding but would never ever behave in the way the OPs MIL is behaving it is totally unchristan and judgemental as if she is so holy and no one else is! OP are you not religious at all? Would you consider a church wedding? I can understand if your DP has been put off religion for life being brought up by that woman!

Original poster
JaneFonda · 28/12/2011 00:01

Sorry everyone, I hadn't checked this for a while! (I am definitely not a troll by the way - hope my posting history confirms this!)

DP is thankfully home now, he's still a bit fragile, but is being waited on hand and foot - thanks everyone for your good wishes. :)

We've spoken briefly about it... I don't think I've ever seen him react as strongly to something - he was, and still is, incredibly angry. I'm not quite sure what's going to happen next, I am worrying. :(

Before he knew what had happened, MIL rang when he was still in the hospital, and he told her what time he'd be at home. About an hour after he came home, she called our house phone - which we ignored - and left (I absolutely kid you not) an ELEVEN MINUTE answerphone message addressed just to DP and gushing about how worried she'd been and how sad she was that it had ruined Christmas!

We'll be discussing next of kin issues soon, it is at the top of my to-do list but first and foremost is nursing DP back to health. :o

OP posts:
mrstiredandconfused · 28/12/2011 00:12

Jane I'm so glad he's home and, in an odd kind of way, I'm glad he knows (although obviously it's awful that mil has caused so much anger and distress with her vile behaviour). It sounds very much that you and dp are a great team and mil's message I think confirms that she has realised that the shit she has caused will backfire on her.

No advice other than to keep posting if you need to vent, your mil is ghastly and it sounds like you could do with some support x

Sillyoldelf · 28/12/2011 00:18

Jane in the event of an accident or , hospital admission - NOK would be taken to be common law DW- although yes in legal terms it would be his parents. Dont panic too much over that . Hospital staff are very used to difficulties with family dynamics . However if DH ever had a vulnerability to becoming mentally Ill it would matter very much - as 'legally' the parents would be NOK so could get him sectioned . But for general hospitals - they don't ask for the legal NOK for their paperwork - it would be perfectly normal to put down common-law DW in this instance . .

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 28/12/2011 00:27

I'm pleased he's home and that you are pandering to his every whim :)

It's good that he knows what happened.

Why are you worrying or rather, what are you worrying about exactly?

11 minute message - gee all that and not a single apology for kicking you out?!

Let DH deal with it and do not encourage him to be nice/let it go/gloss over it or anything else. Her behaviour is totally unacceptable and she needs telling or completely ignoring not enabling.

Sebsosmummy · 28/12/2011 06:22

Good god, so your children are real family and you're not? What a nasty thing to say. She should be supporting you, not making you feel bad.

Women like that don't change. However you can't change her, only your reaction to her. No one has the right to upset you unless you let them. So hold your head up high and get on with being a fantastic mother and partner. If she wants to see the children, let her but on your terms. Let her be the one to make the effort travelling to see you and see how a real grandparent acts.

Once DP is back on his feet, maybe have a word with him saying that you won't ever deny the children seeing their grandparent but he needs to understand that it's a two way street

Sending a big fat hug your way xxxx

youarekidding · 28/12/2011 07:53

I think the eleven minute message confirms this is more about her 'losing' her precious DS than you.

I'm glad DP is home and your all together as a family again.

DonInKillerHeels · 28/12/2011 07:59

Simple. Cut ties with nasty MiL. Then tie the knot for NOK issues etc - but never tell her.

What a BITCH! Shock

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 28/12/2011 08:34

I'm Glad your DP is home Smile and I am not surprised he is furious. He has awful parents!

TandB · 28/12/2011 08:34

Just to correct a common misconception re: NOK that often comes up on MN....

Silloldelf - the general thrust of your post is correct - a hospital will generally take a partner as NoK these days, although there are still occasional problems due to hospital trusts misinterpreting the law.

Next of Kin has NO actual legal status whatsoever - many hospital staff still think it does, but it does not exist as a formal legal entity. Anyone can be nominated as next of kin - there is a card you can download and print to avoid difficulties.

In terms of the sectioning issue, the situation is slightly different - Next of Kin does not feature at all. The definition is "nearest relative" and there is a formal legal definition for this. However, in that definition, a partner who the patient has been living with for more than 6 months trumps parents on the list, as does any person who lives with and cares for a patient on a daily basis.

The NoK issue comes up regularly and people do seem to get quite worried about it - it is simply important to know the real situation and to have a back up plan in case you finish up dealing with someone who is trying to work on the basis of one of the common misconceptions - the Next of Kin card is the most straightforward approach.

Hope that helps!

Dozer · 28/12/2011 08:40

How awful. In a way it's useful to know what you now know about MIL though.

My DH had acute appendicitis this year and had it out, the recovery took a good few weeks, make sure he moves around a bit, DH got a nasty chest infection from staying in bed all week!

pigletmania · 28/12/2011 09:33

My god janefonda what a nasty vile, woman, she does nothing to promote Christianity, she obviously does not know her Bible well at all. I would not be worried, she should be very very worried, about her nasty, horrid behaviour towards you on Christmas day of all days. I would stand tall with my head held high, YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG, we are all hopping mad on your behalf. If you feel down, or not confident, just read this thread.

pigletmania · 28/12/2011 09:34

SHE ruined Christmas!

pigletmania · 28/12/2011 09:35

If I were you I would get married, purely just just for logistics and legal issues. Keep it lo key and if you don't want a religious element, registry office.

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 28/12/2011 09:46

I just wanted to say that you shouldn't get married unless you actually want to. there are other ways of sorting the legal stuff.

Pixieonthemoor · 28/12/2011 10:08

Just wanted to add my good wishes - I am so glad your dh is at home and on the road to recovery. I am also glad that you have told him what happened and that he is, quite rightly, furious. Your MIL is a bitch and I really doubt you need this kind of malevolent presence in your life. I feel sorry for your FIL though as you say he is nice. He will have to back his wife if you cut all ties and so will lose out terribly. I wonder if anyone on here can come up with a solution that would mean he could still be in your lives without his vile wife.

mummytime · 28/12/2011 10:53

I only want to say I know several people who didn't want to get married, but did get married just for the simplicity of the legal position (just do it at the registry office, with or without kids) no need to tell anyone. But it does help with inheritance etc. (Actually I'd love being able to tell her 10 years later, "Oh we got married years ago, but its just a bit of paper".)

droves · 28/12/2011 11:10

Actually is there not a bit in the bible about children , excuse me if I get this wrong ....quote bible "come unto me little children,"

I'm sure that doesnt mean kicking 4 kids and their mother out of a house at Xmas when their father is I'll in hospital.

If Mil gets all arsy Christian again remind her of that . Wink.

Really glad that DP is home with his real family ( you and kids op) .

homealone1 · 28/12/2011 12:29

I haven't read entire thread BUT this is a VERY difficult situation. Your MIL has some very strong views and her behaviour reflects those views. I don't condone her behaviour at all as I believe in tolerance and acceptance BUT not everyone is this way. You have to accept that by not conforming to her standards there will be consequences. And those consequences are far reaching as she is your DP's mother and the grandmother to your DC.

My family's relationship with my Mum would not be as it is is now if my DH had not "converted" to marry me. We knew it was hypocritical but felt the ends justified the means ( and still do)

Your MIL's behaviour was mean and unacceptable BUT she was enforcing HER views in HER house. Although I don't agree with it one bit, she has the right to do that.

Falling out with her would have a massive impact on your children and your DP. As hard as it may be, don't deny your kids their grandparents. Mine have only one left and it breaks my heart.

You sound like an incredibly strong person to have gone through all this on christmas day and I'm sure you can make things work for your entire family in the future. Good Luck x

Heleninahandcart · 28/12/2011 12:44

homealone1 this is not about religion. It is about control and spite. The MIL is a toxic influence on her GC and yes it would have a massive impact on everyone is she was excluded, a positive one.

Ticklemonster2 · 28/12/2011 12:48

Well, what a cow. She's not Christian to treat you like that.
I wild cut her out of your life and not look back. Her behaviour is utterly disgusting xx