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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be sitting here crying on Christmas day? Need hand holding, please.

300 replies

JaneFonda · 25/12/2011 18:28

I'll try and make this as short as possible. (Sorry, this is sort of another MIL one, hope I'm not BU just for that!)

Basically, me and DP have been together since we were teenagers, and have 4 DCs together. We're not planning on getting married, neither of us are religious and we're happy as we are. DP's mum (I'll call her MIL, just easier) hasn't ever been happy with this arrangement - previous thread showing she's very strongly Christian!

Anyway, the plan was for me, DP and our DCs to go over to PIL's for Christmas dinner, and stay overnight for a walk on Boxing Day. DP has been in a lot of pain recently - the GP suspected appendicitis, but sent DP away on the warning to go straight to hospital if anything worsened. At lunch, he suddenly deteriorated and was rushed to hospital to have his appendix out. Thankfully, it was done in time and there are no problems.

I went to hospital with him, and he's now in overnight but I had to get back for the DCs (DTwins are only 4 months). I felt absolutely awful leaving him, but he's really just sleeping now so we agreed I'd go back to PIL's and then return to the hospital in the morning.

I got back to PIL's and after about 5 minutes, MIL pipes up with: "Are you off now then?" I was a bit confused because the plan was for us to stay over, but she said if DP wasn't here there was no point, because Christmas is meant to be for 'real' family. I thought she was joking a bit, so laughed and asked her if that meant we're not real family, and she said that I am certainly not, because me and DP aren't married, so perhaps I should go, but DCs could stay for the night.

Obviously, I wasn't prepared to leave my DCs there and go home by myself, so drove me and my four lovely DCs home, trying not to let them see me cry. They are now snuggled up watching Ratatouille and I've popped upstairs to have a sob.

AIBU to feel like MIL has ruined the Christmas afternoon? Or WIBU to take the DCs home with me, when I'm sure they wanted to spend time with their grandparents? Feeling so alone and worried, even though I know DP will be fine, I feel awful that I've left him. :(

OP posts:
youarekidding · 26/12/2011 19:15

ah addicted I was just about to type that in response to JaneFonda's last post!

droves · 26/12/2011 19:32

Addicted ....just love your post .

Will retract calling the mil a cunt .

Can I call her a religious loon instead ?

Wink
molepomandmistletoe · 26/12/2011 21:06

I did. Ages ago.

sunnydelight · 27/12/2011 08:44

I know I'm coming to this late but OMG, what a bitch. I do hope that you will make it clear that as Christmas is for "real family" from now on you will be spending it with yours so she will never spend Christmas with her son and his family again. My MIL is a cow but that takes the biscuit! Hope your DP is ok. Hugs.

sitandnatter · 27/12/2011 09:07

Droves she's not religious, she's hiding behind her twisted version of religion to be abusive. That's why I think the OP should visit her vicar/priest to tell her she has been gluing pages together when they talk of other religions and threw her DILish out on Christmas night while her hubby was in hospital.

Out of concern of course to enlist the vicars help. Nothing like outing an utter hypocrite to hack them right off. (angelic smile)

droves · 27/12/2011 09:28

Sitandnatter , I know what you mean ...but what I call a religious loon is a person who takes on a religion ( any) and uses and twits that religion for their own purpose , mainly to justify their own irrational behaviour .

This case the mils twisted jealousy of the op .( ....she stole her son you know Wink ) .
The lack of a marriage certificate is justification of the vile treatment of the op and her children , whilst her dp is I'll in hospital. All because the mil thinks " marriage is religious validation of love " .

IMO if the mil loved her son and dgc she would not treat the op in this vile manner .

( Actually I think calling her a vile cunt was about right ).

I hope the Dp verbally kicks his mums butt when he's better .And have the feeling mil wouldn't have dared be so vile in front of him .
Think she will lie about it too , and deny she's done it .

fluffytowels · 27/12/2011 09:48

Have read through most of this. It's all a bit Jeanette Winterson. Hmm

OP, she is vile and you must tell your DP straight away. You should not be treated this way.

However, I really think you need to consider getting married. Technically, she is his next of kin and, if ever anything more serious happened, she might get to make decisions or keep you away.

You can do it in secret, never tell anyone or change names etc. I know several couples who did this once they had kids as it was too complicated and risky legally. And they were people who had sane in laws Wink.

sitandnatter · 27/12/2011 09:48

Droves I abhore the C word but can't think of a more appropriate one right now. Xmas Grin. I think the MIL may well have gone too far this time and she will end up the loser in the long run, while telling everyone how the wicked SDish has twisted and poisoned her darling son against her.

Hope the OP gets time to give us a bit of an update and her DP is of course on the mend.

sitandnatter · 27/12/2011 09:50

One thing that would really hack the MIL ish from Hell off more than anything would be a registry office wedding and no religious element at all. That way the OP would be married on her terms. They could do it really low key if they wanted just them and a couple of witnesses off the street, and the OP to keep her name. No real difference apart from the legal status that way.

chocablock · 27/12/2011 10:04

Your MIL was very very rude and if she wants you to get married to your DP this is not the way to go about it! Btw I am also religious and think marriage very important but she should not talk to you in this way - you are the mother of her grandchildren and have been with your DP a long time. However (and I know I will get flamed for this by other posters...) but what is the reason for you not getting married? You have 4 DCs and have been together a long time. Even if you are not religious, getting married means you are more financially secure and why not do it as you are clearly together for the long term? Perhaps your MIL going on and on about getting married has turned you off the idea. I can understand that!

Finallygotaroundtoit · 27/12/2011 10:15

JaneFonda hope your DP is well and enjoying a proper family Christmas .

Do get the legalities sorted asap,had DP been unconcious in ICU, your PIL would have been making the decisions and had the very worse happened they could have excluded you from funeral arrangements

fluffytowels · 27/12/2011 10:32

Actually this has nothing to do with extreme religion. If it did, she wouldn't recognise your children as real famiky sincr they were born out of wedlock.

But overlooks this, because it suits her purpose, and doesn't recognise you, because that suits her purpose too.

pigletmania · 27/12/2011 12:25

Tbh like others have said I would have a quick register office wedding purely to do with legalities like others have said on there. I don't think it has anything to do with religion, I just don't think she is that keen on you, even though you sound really nice. If it was her gc would not be her proper family as they were born out of wedlock. The way she has treated you though was disgusting, you would not treat anyone like that, its rude, vile, and very bad manners, she clearly has none.

nicknamenotinuse · 27/12/2011 12:40

I'd never speak to the cheeky bitch again. Bloody hell. I can't believe she said that. She's not very 'christian' with her attitude is she? She should be ashamed of herself. Selfish, self righteous cow.

Driftwood999 · 27/12/2011 12:51

If, after reflection, you feel that your MIL so slighted you, you must discuss it with her, calmly. If you do not get a fulsome apology, and an undertaking by her, to recognize your union with her ds, then I think that you should be letting her priest/congregation know your pain.

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 27/12/2011 12:59

Just reaad the thread! Couldn't leave without saying how shocking your MIL is!!

I think I remember your book thread too.

Surely this behaviour, when you needed her support the most, must be a deal breaker for you and your dp?

ThompsonTwins · 27/12/2011 13:04

Jane Fonda - how utterly awful. Your MIL obviously has no idea of the hurtful nature of her words. You are NNNNNNNNBU. I would tell her of your hurt, as calmly as you can once your DP is back home. I would tell him too once he is recovering. Holding out both hands to you.

ThompsonTwins · 27/12/2011 13:12

Sorry, also agree with those who have said you should make sure you become DP's next of kin, otherwise you could be excluded by MIL from everything. (Think about the guy who wrote The Millenium Trilogy - his partner is being excluded from his legacy. Also people whose partners died on 9/11 and whose families were awarded the compensation). It seems that FIL may not have MIL's attitude but if something happened to your DP (heaven forbid) he might side with his wife. Hope DP is OK and home with you all very soon. More hugs...

MigratingChestnutsOnAnOpenFire · 27/12/2011 13:15

Thompson that is excellent advice.

ThompsonTwins · 27/12/2011 13:30

Sorry, me again. Also, have you and DP made a will? Consult a solicitor to see what you and DP could do via your will to make sure everything is tied up and sorted as you and DP wish regarding, for example, funerals, burials or cremations and your possessions. Also, you could state who should (and should not) look after your DC in the event of both your deaths. Sorry to speak of such things at this time but in this circumstance you must look after your family's interests. That's you, DP and your DC, not ILs.

exoticfruits · 27/12/2011 14:01

It is absolutely essential to get it all sorted if you are not married.

chickydoo · 27/12/2011 14:08

what a nasty thing to say to you, show her this thread....she'll get the message!

chocablock · 27/12/2011 18:14

Her behaviour definitely not Christan!! But I repeat what I said upthread, do get married, even if you are not religious as another person posted your PIL's will be next of kin and not you if anything (God forbid) happened and your DP was unconscious in hospital. Also she would be really miffed if you got married as she would have to accept you as part of the family!! Maybe do it in secret and don't invite her to the wedding :)

fluffytowels · 27/12/2011 18:17

Would she though chocobloc? I mean, surely to her it has to be in the eyes of God or it doesn't count. Fail to see how she would such a pious stance just because they hadn't nipped to the registry office.

Which is why getting married in a legal no-nonsense fashion is a good idea.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights · 27/12/2011 18:28

Jane - how is DH now? Is he home yet?

MIL - I would simply tell DH what she said and see where is goes from there, because if he's anything like a decent bloke he will tell her to stay away from his family. It's a shame you didn't tell your FIL while you were there what she said...