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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be sitting here crying on Christmas day? Need hand holding, please.

300 replies

JaneFonda · 25/12/2011 18:28

I'll try and make this as short as possible. (Sorry, this is sort of another MIL one, hope I'm not BU just for that!)

Basically, me and DP have been together since we were teenagers, and have 4 DCs together. We're not planning on getting married, neither of us are religious and we're happy as we are. DP's mum (I'll call her MIL, just easier) hasn't ever been happy with this arrangement - previous thread showing she's very strongly Christian!

Anyway, the plan was for me, DP and our DCs to go over to PIL's for Christmas dinner, and stay overnight for a walk on Boxing Day. DP has been in a lot of pain recently - the GP suspected appendicitis, but sent DP away on the warning to go straight to hospital if anything worsened. At lunch, he suddenly deteriorated and was rushed to hospital to have his appendix out. Thankfully, it was done in time and there are no problems.

I went to hospital with him, and he's now in overnight but I had to get back for the DCs (DTwins are only 4 months). I felt absolutely awful leaving him, but he's really just sleeping now so we agreed I'd go back to PIL's and then return to the hospital in the morning.

I got back to PIL's and after about 5 minutes, MIL pipes up with: "Are you off now then?" I was a bit confused because the plan was for us to stay over, but she said if DP wasn't here there was no point, because Christmas is meant to be for 'real' family. I thought she was joking a bit, so laughed and asked her if that meant we're not real family, and she said that I am certainly not, because me and DP aren't married, so perhaps I should go, but DCs could stay for the night.

Obviously, I wasn't prepared to leave my DCs there and go home by myself, so drove me and my four lovely DCs home, trying not to let them see me cry. They are now snuggled up watching Ratatouille and I've popped upstairs to have a sob.

AIBU to feel like MIL has ruined the Christmas afternoon? Or WIBU to take the DCs home with me, when I'm sure they wanted to spend time with their grandparents? Feeling so alone and worried, even though I know DP will be fine, I feel awful that I've left him. :(

OP posts:
MigratingCoconutsInTheNewYear · 28/12/2011 12:51

yes, if I remember rightly, this is the same MIL who stuck pages of a book belonging to the Op's DS together because it was about different world religion.

It ruined the book (that didn't belong to MIL) and the first OP knew about it was when she found it.

Awful woman!

chipmonkey · 28/12/2011 14:57

homealone1 do you honestly believe that a relationship with this nasty, toxic woman is beneficial to the OP's children? A woman who throws them and their mother out of her house on Christmas day and glues pages of books together in case the dc's hear about a different religion? Sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture. Not all children benefit from knowing their grandparents.

neighbourhoodwitch · 28/12/2011 15:10

Utter bitch, she will reap what she sows. Poor you x

essexmumma · 28/12/2011 15:22

Nasty, rotten old cow!! Jane I think you should do as you are, get that DH better and fighting fitSmile take time to think what to do re MiL-she doesn't ever seem to learn though!!

clam · 28/12/2011 15:22

Well, as I read it, it's not the OP who's falling out with the mil, but the other way round. And what's with the being entitled to enforce "her views in her house" nonsense? Who can justify that if it results in her son's partner and children being kicked out at Christmas when he's been rushed to hospital? Was that really necessary? If anything, her sensitivities were less likely to be offended as the son wasn't there to commit the adulterous sin of cohabitation in person. Unforgivable behaviour.
I can't see any way back from this, personally.

solidgoldbrass · 28/12/2011 15:27

I remember the other thread about this woman, and I also wonder if she is starting dementia: if she has always been a PITA about Jeezus-her-imaginary-friend but in the sort of way you could shrug off, the fact that she is getting more wierd and unpleasant could indicate that something's wrong.
But even if it is dementia, that doesn't mean you just have to suck it up JF. Nor should you feel that you 'have' to get married if you and your H don't want to do so, there is nothing wrong with having ideological objections to the institution of marriage and it's not actually very difficult at all to protect yourself, your DP and your DC legally WRT housing/finance/etc.

Probably the best way to deal with MIL in future is to be polite but firm and gently amused when she starts acting up.

pigletmania · 28/12/2011 15:28

homealone1 I am a Christian, and I know others too, my PIL's are devout Catholics, yet they would never every treat anyone like that. The MIL is a nasty horrid person who hides behind a cloak of Christianity. To tell the op that she is not real family, and to tell her to go away is beyond belief, you would not do that to a friend or anyone. She obviously does not know her Bible well, she should read it in more detail, especially the parable of The Good Samaritan. When we used to stay with my PIL (before marriage) we just used to not share beds (fine by us its their house), they have always treated me as a daughter from the first time I met them, they live abroad so I stayed with them for 2 weeks and they were nothing but great hosts and really treating me well, they still do.

pigletmania · 28/12/2011 15:32

I would not sever the relationship with her gc, but I would not allow her into my home, and I would not see her again, though dp would be welcome to take the gc over to them to visit, and dp could see them outside the home.

fluffytowels · 28/12/2011 15:53

homealone I'm afraid that is nonsense. Fair enough to have religious views, fair enough (sort of) to not want them to share a bed under your roof.

But to kick a mother out with her 4 children on Christmas Day is just spiteful. At what point does religious zeal come into that? Which Christian belief is she upholding by not letting them stay?

homealone1 · 28/12/2011 16:16

I stated from the outset that I could never condone her behaviour - it is appalling.

However, people do not get cut out of your lives so easily - there is history and there are relationships.

My mother has the most extreme views that I just let go in through one ear and out the other. She beat me and kicked me out of the house when I was in my 20's because....I had a boyfriend.

People are ingrained by their conditioning and culture - it doesn't make them evil people. My kids are definitely more enriched for knowing my mother's love.

I don't think people on an internet site can possibly be aware of the bigger picture and I don't think name calling and reactivity is that construnctive, that is all.

I am fully aware that in a small minority of cases, grandparents ( and parents) should have no contact with kids for the good of the kids. But I'm not convinced the OP's grandma is one of those yet.

JingleBelleDameSansMerci · 28/12/2011 16:44

JaneFonda so glad your DH is back home. Hope he has a quick recovery.

solidgoldbrass · 28/12/2011 16:50

For additional perspective: My not-MIL (DS' dad's mother) is a Christian. DS dad and I are not in a couple-relationship, yet not-MIL is lovely to me and has said that she considers me 'like' a DIL as I am the mother of her grandson.

pigletmania · 28/12/2011 17:01

homealone going by what the op has said in her thread, I would never allow her into my house, or want to see her. Why are you condoning such horrid and unchristian behavior, kicking a mother and her 4 children out on Christmas day of all days, which is one of the most important celebration in the Christian calendar, What happened to goodwill and peace to all men.

clam · 28/12/2011 17:07

homealone if you think the mil has the right to express her beliefs in her own home that way, then you must surely accept that the OP also has the right to decide not to mix with her again. Or expose her DCs to the sort of toxic person who so disrespects their parents' relationship.

helenthemadex · 28/12/2011 17:08

wow what a vile woman, Im not a chrisitan but nor is she, she has proved herself to not be a christian at all, being a christian is about how you behave, simply saying you are christian doesnt make you one any more than standing in a garage and saying you are a car, makes you a car! true christians are very accepting of most forms of relationships.

My foul ex il's claimed to be christians but their behaviour towards me and their granddaughter proved they are most defiantely not.

Janefonda you have behaved with dignity, Im so glad to hear you dp is on the mend. If she mentions marraige again perhaps say that you dont feel she is welcoming you to her family so dont feel marriage is appropriate

Hope you, your dp and dc have a lovely new year to make up for the crap christmas

KeepInMindItsChristmas · 28/12/2011 17:21

Wow, just Wow, how evil minded can someone get? You non MIL is a class A bitch

MustControlMincepieOfDeath · 28/12/2011 20:47

11 minute answerphone message!!

She is a freakazoid Shock

SoftKittyWarmKitty · 29/12/2011 11:36

Why are you worried, OP? Fact is, she's brought this on herself. The long answerphone message tells me that she's realised you'll have told your DP what's happened and she wants to put her skewed version of events across and get back in his good books. Not likely.

You and your DP need to stay strong and united over this and decide together how to approach the situation. Has she tried to contact you since the message?

MigratingCoconutsInTheNewYear · 29/12/2011 12:47

How's things Jane? How is your husband recovering?

Hope all is well xx

littlemonkeybix · 29/12/2011 16:50

Sorry - latecomer here... Only just read this thread (in its entirety - phew)

What a crank!! OP your "MIL" needs a good hard reality slap. If that involves closing ranks with your DP and DCs then that is what you should do. No visits either way. Not until a full and grovelling (and meant) apology. You are family and ALWAYS will be... you have a blood link that she can never get rid of.

She sounds (like others have said) like she's jealous of you being the main woman in DPs life and she's lashing out at you. But to do so at Christmas... what a total C word!

I hope you can take a little amusement of the irony of the situation... no room at her inn for you on Christmas day!! I feel sorry for FIL as he lives with her, he'll be getting earfulls all day every day about how appallingly you have behaved (clearly she won't be the one at fault!) BUT he should have had a little backbone in his life before now and stood up to her... so the sympathy eases off a little!

SO pleased that DP is on the mend, and so pleased that you had a christmas with all of your children with you.

I am not religious, I know many who are. I do not know one person who would ever act in this manner. What an unbelievable wretch she is! I hope, in a way, it is something to do with an illness.... otherwise I cannot comprehend that a person would act this way to another.

Big un-mumsnetty hug of support for you and your FAMILY

soandsosmummy · 29/12/2011 17:04

OP I am so sorry what a horrible thing to happen on Christmas day. I am not married to DP but there is no way on God's green earth my MIL would treat me like that at Christmas or any other time and she's big on Christianity. YANBU to feel upset and I wouldn't blame you if you never saw her again.

I hope 2012 brings you and your family a lot of happiness without such further attacks from that woman

springydaffs · 29/12/2011 19:00

I guess God knows the true state of her foul heart and it's not for me to judge...

I'm sure you know that her behaviour in no way represents christian beliefs, not in any shape or form. The fact that she subsequently left an 11-minute voicemail and makes no mention of what she did to you shows she has no shame or self-awareness. She's either mad or bad.

You seem much more 'christian' than she - in that you strove for peace when DP fell out with her, you have been kindly and overlooked her alarming and inappropriate religious fervour re the glued book: love covers a multitude etc. Jesus loathed religion precisely because of behaviour like she meted out to you, when she thought no-one was looking [God help her!]. You must have been cut to the quick - it was a foul, truly foul, way to treat you. I hope you are able to overlook your kindly nature to set some serious, and necessary, boundaries here.

zingzillachinchilla · 01/01/2012 18:23

Just bumping, hoping things are ok with DH now, OP?

empirestateofmind · 02/01/2012 04:11

I am not a Christian but I liked your post springydaffs and totally agree.

Lexilicious · 03/01/2012 13:57

I found this poem today while searching for something completely different, and it brought to mind your thread. I hope you and your DH are moving forward, and that he is recovering too.

The Way
Therese Conroy

When I say.... "I am A Christian", I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and pray for strength to carry on.

When I say...."I am a Christian", I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed and cannot ever pay the debt.

When I say.... "I am a Christian", I'm not claiming to be perfect.
My flaws are too visible but God believes I'm worth it.

When I say ...."I am a Christian", I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches which is why I seek His name.

When I say ...."I am a Christian", I do not wish to judge.
I have no authority. I only know I'm loved.

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