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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be sitting here crying on Christmas day? Need hand holding, please.

300 replies

JaneFonda · 25/12/2011 18:28

I'll try and make this as short as possible. (Sorry, this is sort of another MIL one, hope I'm not BU just for that!)

Basically, me and DP have been together since we were teenagers, and have 4 DCs together. We're not planning on getting married, neither of us are religious and we're happy as we are. DP's mum (I'll call her MIL, just easier) hasn't ever been happy with this arrangement - previous thread showing she's very strongly Christian!

Anyway, the plan was for me, DP and our DCs to go over to PIL's for Christmas dinner, and stay overnight for a walk on Boxing Day. DP has been in a lot of pain recently - the GP suspected appendicitis, but sent DP away on the warning to go straight to hospital if anything worsened. At lunch, he suddenly deteriorated and was rushed to hospital to have his appendix out. Thankfully, it was done in time and there are no problems.

I went to hospital with him, and he's now in overnight but I had to get back for the DCs (DTwins are only 4 months). I felt absolutely awful leaving him, but he's really just sleeping now so we agreed I'd go back to PIL's and then return to the hospital in the morning.

I got back to PIL's and after about 5 minutes, MIL pipes up with: "Are you off now then?" I was a bit confused because the plan was for us to stay over, but she said if DP wasn't here there was no point, because Christmas is meant to be for 'real' family. I thought she was joking a bit, so laughed and asked her if that meant we're not real family, and she said that I am certainly not, because me and DP aren't married, so perhaps I should go, but DCs could stay for the night.

Obviously, I wasn't prepared to leave my DCs there and go home by myself, so drove me and my four lovely DCs home, trying not to let them see me cry. They are now snuggled up watching Ratatouille and I've popped upstairs to have a sob.

AIBU to feel like MIL has ruined the Christmas afternoon? Or WIBU to take the DCs home with me, when I'm sure they wanted to spend time with their grandparents? Feeling so alone and worried, even though I know DP will be fine, I feel awful that I've left him. :(

OP posts:
swingingcat · 25/12/2011 19:02

OP I would never have anything to do with the evil hag!

I've been married over 20yrs and my evil MiL still says that I'm not family, her loss not mine. I haven't seen or spoken to her for a good 2 years Smile

Try to enjoy the rest of the day with your DCs and best wishes to your DP too.

dmo · 25/12/2011 19:04

I know you dont want to get married but you could just you 2 and the children and not tell anyone then in a few yrs you can throw the next of kin comment at her Grin

Original poster
JaneFonda · 25/12/2011 19:04

Oh thank you so much everyone, you are really helping me to feel a bit better over this.

DP has always been incredibly supportive and backed me up whenever she's said anything. He did stop talking to her for a while because of it but I encouraged him to resume contact because it didn't seem right for their entire mother-son relationship to be over just because of me.

Now I'm in a slightly stickier situation, I hate causing family tension. :(

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/12/2011 19:05

That's horrible; no excuses. So sorry, OP. Hope your DP is better soon. :(

duvetdayplease · 25/12/2011 19:05

HI, YANBU at all. She is being really foul, the book incident and then this. You need to separate her christian views from her behaviour - utterly unrelated. Her religious views are a red herring.

I would say no, do not wait to tell your DH what happened. Maybe wait til out of hospital but he needs to know. You shouldn't minimise what she did to you today - truly shocking! Maybe you need to consider not visiting any more. And I would say it wouldn't be right for your DH to take the kids without you, that would imply something wrong with you. Her views have potential to damage your children. My grandfather used to be heard to say that the day my mum married my dad was the worst day of his life - knowing how he felt about my dad was very upsetting and frightening for me as a child. Your children shoudn't be around someone who is negative about their parents' legitimate choices.

I am so sorry you had this today, you deserved support after your DH was taken ill and your MIL has let you down very badly. You were absolutely right to take your children home. Hope your DH is home soon x

Chandon · 25/12/2011 19:06

She is not a great Christian, is she?! WTF!

Hope your DP recovers soon.

x as it's X-mas

Chandon

SantasNutellaFairy · 25/12/2011 19:07

Jane, just remember she kicked you out, not the other way around.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 25/12/2011 19:10

My mum is pretty old fashioned (she is nearly 80) and is a Christian. She treats all her grandchildren equally whether their parents are married or not and treats my brothers partner pretty much like a daughter. She has written all the grandchildren into her will (including 2 "step children" -no biological relationship, just over 20 years of care and friendship). Not all "christians" are like your mother inlaw.
OP

weblette · 25/12/2011 19:12

Jane you have done nothing to put yourself in any sort of sticky situation.

She chose to act in this way and as said before, it has absolutely nothing to do with 'Christian values'.

Given how your dh has stuck up for you in the past I can't see him doing any different. I can only imagine how awful it must be for him for his mother to be such an unfeeling cow Sad

runningwilde · 25/12/2011 19:14

IMO I think you should tell your dp as soon as possible. I think you seriously need to think about if you want that sort of person around your dc and in your life. New rules need to go down, either she respects your family and YOU or she is not part of YOUR family.

She is vile, it's awful what you have had to put up with.

ScorpionQueen · 25/12/2011 19:15

You are not causing family tension, op, she is. I agree with not sending DH and children without you, you are not some dirty secret ffs, you are their mother and his partner- a family unit. It is her choice to not recognise this. The caahh.

runningwilde · 25/12/2011 19:16

And it is NOT you who is causing tension, SHE is.

IWantWine · 25/12/2011 19:17

I have nothing to add... except to say she isnt even a MIL ! I think to have someone in your life, in whatever role or capacity, it is fair that they should earn their place. She has not earned her place in yours!

She is a bitch.

She has no right to judge and being a Christian means she shouldnt judge! So there! :) Have a lovely evening and I hope your DH recovers quickly.

duvetdayplease · 25/12/2011 19:17

In response to your post about not wanting to cause tension or disrupt your DH's relationship, I thought the following -

  1. You are not causing tension - your MIL is entirely at fault and she is causing the tension

  2. The mother/son relationship wouldn't be over because of you, but because of your MIL'S behaviour towards you.

I know how it feels to want to smooth out tension, to down play crap treatment so as not to rock boats or whatever, but not a single person on this thread has suggested you did anything wrong.

etJeviensEntretesReindeers · 25/12/2011 19:18

You haven;t caused anything. It sounds as though she has some deep issues about her son and you and cannot quite get past them in order to be civil.

How very sad.

I thin you are right to come home, and right not to discuss it with DP till maybe a week or two has passed and he's fit enough to get indignant on your behalf.

Meanwhile, I know it might be hard not to think about it all the time but try your hardest to concentrate on your own close family and not let her worry you.
If she calls, talk it over. But only if she makes the first move towards polite and open discussion. She might be sorry. Perhaps it was her anxiety making her behave like that? I don't know, there's no excuse but what I mean is be open to an apology. Don't offer one yourself as that makes no sense. (not that you have suggested such, it's just something I'd be tempted to do to smooth things over at any cost! But I'm weak)

Good luck, hope he is well very soon.

theincredibequeenofwands · 25/12/2011 19:20

WTF??

I beg of you, NEVER see that woman again.

NEVER EVER!!

Spiteful cow.

And tell your DP (when he's better, obviously) that you were thrown out of her home because you're not 'married').

I have no intention of marrying my partner either, but my MIL still treats me nicely!!

Don't waste tears over such a skank. Cuddle up with your lovely children and watch Ratatouille (it's actually quite good) and then come back here and chat to us. Someone on here must know voodoo or similar - we'll think of something!

Xmas Smile
ThePathanKhansWitch · 25/12/2011 19:22

Janefonda you behaved with absolute dignity. The woman behaved in an awful way. Just enjoy the rest of the evening with the DC.

IMO you've had a lucky escape.

On a lighter note, when the dc are older, it will fall into family legend, how dad got rushed into hospital, and the mad Granny evicted us on Christmas Day! Xmas Grin.

Glad to hear your DH will be Ok.

BarfTheHeraldAngelsHeave · 25/12/2011 19:23

You're not causing family tension, she is by her actions. What a horrible way to behave.

I really dislike it when people use religion as an excuse to be horrible. Thats not a Christian way to behave at all.

Wolfiefan · 25/12/2011 19:24

You are not causing family tension. She is. What a dreadful thing to do to you. Did she honestly expect you to clear off and leave your DC? How totally unchristian of her. At least you know what family is. You and your DP sound like you have a lovely one. Hope you enjoyed Christmas with your DC.
Wonders. Did the fact paramedics see you as next of kin not her put her nose out of joint? Still foul!

IDontDoIroning · 25/12/2011 19:29

I agree with the other posters about the legal side of things. Technically not being married could cause issues with her as legally you don't have any standing re next of kin.
If she's as malicious as she seems she could cause you real problems in future.
Can't you get married don't make a fuss or tell anyone but it means she can't cause you problems in future.

sitandnatter · 25/12/2011 19:31

Sorry OP but I have to agree with everyone else, what a total bitch!!!!. I have to agree with her on one point you are not real family because no real family would treat you in such a hellish awful way when you need them most. Awful dreadful woman, you don't need family like that you are better than that.

Damned right you don't leave your children there, they are your children first and her grandchildren last they way she behaves. I bet when your husband is better and you tell him he will be absolutely livid with her.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 25/12/2011 19:31

It would be a cold day in hell before I ever went anywhere near her again!

What a horrible thing she has done - and dont forget SHE said those words, not you.

I hope your partner is on the mend and back home with you all soon.

kickassangel · 25/12/2011 19:37

She's right about Christmas being for 'real' family - and real families don't turf each other out, especially when their nearest & dearest are in hospital. Nor do they say mean things to each other.

Real family would behave decently, and go out of their way to make you feel welcomed & comfortable, and share with you in concerns about dp.

She's not real family, so you don't have to worry about her feelings, as clearly she doesn't have many for you or her gcs.

sitandnatter · 25/12/2011 19:38

I don't do Ironing Shit hadn't thought of that, isn't there any other legal forms that can be signed to get the evil witches authority life's partners rights over the MIL from hell overriden? Thinking of decisions about health if the DP is in a state where he can't make those decisions himself.

Obviously as far as inheritance goes the children are next of kin.

Winkly · 25/12/2011 19:40

Horrible fucking bitch (her not you) & so un Christian. Jesus stayed with tax collectors and prostitutes! And my elderly Catholic granny managed to treat her children's wives, husbands, gay partners and second spouses with equal welcome.

Cuddle your darling babies and enjoy.Christmas in your own loving home. Don't give the old bat a second thought.

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