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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be sitting here crying on Christmas day? Need hand holding, please.

300 replies

JaneFonda · 25/12/2011 18:28

I'll try and make this as short as possible. (Sorry, this is sort of another MIL one, hope I'm not BU just for that!)

Basically, me and DP have been together since we were teenagers, and have 4 DCs together. We're not planning on getting married, neither of us are religious and we're happy as we are. DP's mum (I'll call her MIL, just easier) hasn't ever been happy with this arrangement - previous thread showing she's very strongly Christian!

Anyway, the plan was for me, DP and our DCs to go over to PIL's for Christmas dinner, and stay overnight for a walk on Boxing Day. DP has been in a lot of pain recently - the GP suspected appendicitis, but sent DP away on the warning to go straight to hospital if anything worsened. At lunch, he suddenly deteriorated and was rushed to hospital to have his appendix out. Thankfully, it was done in time and there are no problems.

I went to hospital with him, and he's now in overnight but I had to get back for the DCs (DTwins are only 4 months). I felt absolutely awful leaving him, but he's really just sleeping now so we agreed I'd go back to PIL's and then return to the hospital in the morning.

I got back to PIL's and after about 5 minutes, MIL pipes up with: "Are you off now then?" I was a bit confused because the plan was for us to stay over, but she said if DP wasn't here there was no point, because Christmas is meant to be for 'real' family. I thought she was joking a bit, so laughed and asked her if that meant we're not real family, and she said that I am certainly not, because me and DP aren't married, so perhaps I should go, but DCs could stay for the night.

Obviously, I wasn't prepared to leave my DCs there and go home by myself, so drove me and my four lovely DCs home, trying not to let them see me cry. They are now snuggled up watching Ratatouille and I've popped upstairs to have a sob.

AIBU to feel like MIL has ruined the Christmas afternoon? Or WIBU to take the DCs home with me, when I'm sure they wanted to spend time with their grandparents? Feeling so alone and worried, even though I know DP will be fine, I feel awful that I've left him. :(

OP posts:
poppycat04 · 25/12/2011 22:11

Haven't had chance to read thread but.... What a witch!! I'm here to hold your hand. Hope your DP gets better soon. You did right taking DCs home.

FanjoForTheReindeerJumper · 25/12/2011 22:14

She is a toxic woman, my MIL is a true Christian, she doesn't approve of BIL living with hIs GF before marriage but she always makes her totally welcome as part of the family.

bochead · 25/12/2011 22:14

Mental Poison - that's the only word that's accurate to describe the drip drip effect of a woman like this in the lives of you babies over the 18 years it'll take to raise them.

Do take legal advice on your status re property, child residence, life insurance and property matters if summat should happen to you or your partner. (e.g If summat were to happen to you would your children ever be allowed to see your side of the family ever again? If you and your partner own a property & summat happened to him would she be automatically be the "executor" of any funds meant to raise the children with?). Don't avoid looking at the legal issues as your 4 month olds may not yet be included in any will your partner currently has.

Leave it till your man is better but please do make sure all legal issues are totally water tight. Forewarned is forearmed. You now know that if the worst were to happen this woman would go out of her way to make life as hard as possible for you.

No way, no how would I allow my kids anywhere near this bitch until I had received a full apology from her and even then it'd be a good five years before my children across her threshold to allow her time to reset her whole outlook on what it means to be the matriarch of a Christian family. Her husband is equally responsible for not addressing her attitude towards you long before it got the point where she felt she could kick you out and hang onto your babies on Xmas day.

flibbertywidget · 25/12/2011 22:16

I am speechless at how heartless and horrid this person has been to you. ((((((((((()))))))))))

Eglu · 25/12/2011 22:17

What a bitch! What an awful way to behave when her ds is in hospital.

GooKingWenceslas · 25/12/2011 22:21

Hope your DP feels better soon.

If you ever do get married, don't tell her Xmas Wink

TheUnsinkableTitanic · 25/12/2011 22:30

hell would freeze over before I would set foot in her house or have her welcome at my home whilst i was there

fuming on your behalf

(hope you are having a lovely evening!)

youarekidding · 25/12/2011 22:34

Not read whole thread but I would have been tempted to shove the glued together religion book up her arse Xmas Grin

What a bloody cow (sorry).

I do hope your DP is better soon and you have a fantastic 'christmas day' together when he's well again.

mumincov · 25/12/2011 22:36

If you are not willing to get married quietly, I would strongly suggest making sure that both of you have decent watertight wills that don't allow the MIL any control over his estate or the children if anything happens to him.

mumincov · 25/12/2011 22:41

just to add - personally I wouldn't cut her off but I would make sure that all future contact is on your terms. If she wants to see your partner and the grandkids let them come to visit you. If you all visit her then she dictates terms and has the upper hand.

Also if you can manage it, just accept that the woman is as mad as a box of frogs and must feel dreadful inside to behave that way. Try not to take it personally (difficult I know as she's being really hurtful) - she needs pity - and go for damage limitation.

LikeAnAdventCandleButNotQuite · 25/12/2011 22:43

Your MIL is an absoloute cowbag. I'm all for "there must be two sides to these stories" with most MIL Threads but MY WORD!!!

There is no excuse whatsoever for that behaviour, and I would be hard pushed to ever forgive what she has said, and as a result, done, in effectively banishing you and your children from her home.

She needs to kiss some serious arse with her apologies or I think you would be well entitled to never lay eyes on her again.

I;ve only read the initial OP, as I was so angry, but am going to read the rest now.

I hope you and your babies had a lovely afternoon away from her, and that your DH is on the road to recovery.

Crabapple99 · 25/12/2011 22:47

This woman is NOT a Christain

StealthPolarBear · 25/12/2011 22:48

What a bitch (in fact has anyone on this thread said any different?). Surely Christian value dictate how you choose to live your life. Agree with others though - you need to get next of kin-ness (wills etc) firmed up with DP. Also, remember you'll probably be helping to pick her nursing home.

jollyjester · 25/12/2011 22:56

I just wanted to send OP a huge hug. What a complete and utter cow she is. Do not let this woman control you or your children, she will be the one who misses out on the joys of being a Grandparent from being so vindictive.

Do not waste your energy or time on her. My grandmother was like this to my mother for over 20 years and my MIL is shaping up to be not much better but you and your children deserve better than her spitefullness (sp?)

Its her problem so let her be bitter and twisted herself.

bushymcbush · 25/12/2011 23:06

Wow. Shockingly nasty behaviour.

Well done OP for carrying yourself with such dignity under such provocation.

BettyBedlam · 25/12/2011 23:30

Sounds like the sort of woman that give Christianity a bad name :-(. So sorry OP, as though you haven't had a bad enough day.

DEFINITELY take your children with you. If you are good enough to give birth to them, you are good enough to stay there.

I hope your DP is better soon.

BettyBedlam · 25/12/2011 23:31

gives

Seabright · 25/12/2011 23:48

Staggered by her behaviour! The best you can hope for is that she apologises tomorrow, although that sounds unlikely to be forthcoming.

What's this glued up books thing? Can someone link? I'm on a phone & searching is hard!

andaPontyinaPearTreeeeee · 26/12/2011 00:05

Wow. It's not often I genuinely do this face Shock while reading a thread. I have a feeling I did while reading the glued-book saga too.

You have NOT caused this, Jane. And her attitude is fuck all to do with religion.

Wishing your DP a speedy recovery and that he can somehow sort this out - I don't think she will change though.

BTW is that Ratatouille film any good?

cheeseandbiscuitsplease · 26/12/2011 00:06

Unbelievable. That would be it for me now and I would make sure my children stayed away from such a horrible person too. Tell her why if she asks if you can be bothered to talk to her again and I would tell all family and friends too and maybe the vicar at her local church. ;)

Firawla · 26/12/2011 00:13

OP your mil sounds awful how heartless of her! I wonder if she will expect you all to just act normal with her again once your dp is better and out of hospital, but how can you?? I understand her religion suggests people to be married, but there is no excuse for her to behave like that towards you and especially when it affects your dc
And sorry about your dp and his appendix, really bad timing for you all but i hope he is much better soon. My dh had his out recently too and it is really worrying leaving them there in the hospital even though its quite a common operation but hopefully he will bounce back really quick. Then once he is better deal with the mil issue, but I wouldn't mention too much straight away as he will need to recover but just maybe say there has been a problem with his mum and that you will have to talk and sort it once he feels bit more back to normal and stronger. I hope he sticks up for you with his mum

ElfenorRathbone · 26/12/2011 00:21

Wow

Another vote for your MIL being an evil cow.

I'd take the view that as you're not part of her family, you don't need to see her ever again.

And you're not causing tension. She is. Can't believe she insulted you by declaring that tyou're basically nothing more than an incubator for her grandchildren. Vile woman.

magicwoodyallenzombiejesus · 26/12/2011 00:30

Absolutely livid for you. Unspeakably wicked what she did.
Six pages of mumsnetters cannot be wrong Jane.
I lived in sin Xmas Wink for 10 years. Never bothered anyone.
Protect yourself legally. Or get hitched in secret.
But this nasty piece of work is never going to beon your side.
Do not keep this from DH - tell him now and follow his lead in terms of future relations with her, or not. She owes you an apology and even that wouldn't cut it with me tbh.

magicwoodyallenzombiejesus · 26/12/2011 00:31

I assume she would not approve of my nickname either Xmas Grin

Original poster
JaneFonda · 26/12/2011 01:15

Oh I've just logged on again - thank you so much everyone for being so wonderful - just finished a feed and was feeling a bit lonely and sorry for myself so thought I'd distract myself on here!

The funniest bit of it all (if there is a funny bit) is that MIL's plan for us staying over was for us to sleep in separate rooms... I have to admit, I did have a chuckle at that when she told us, I'm not quite sure what she's trying to prevent! :o

I feel a bit guilty now, for putting in the bit about her being a strong Christian. By no means do I think that she's representative of all (or even any) Christians, just that it seems as though that is what she bases all of this on. So, sorry if I caused any offence by seeming to tar all Christians with the same brush, absolutely no way do I think that. :)

OP posts: