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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to sleep with this married man?

507 replies

pumpkincarver · 22/12/2011 22:09

so. Met a wonderful guy, married, no kids. Am on the verge to start an affair, a fling (I'm not sure what yet) with him. I've never felt such strong attraction towards anyone else, hence my strong desire to go ahead.

I'm separated and single.
Am wondering how this rates on Mumsnet's grand moral scale.
Opinions appreciated, and no offence will be taken : )

OP posts:
ClaraSage · 25/12/2011 23:45

I agree with Abby, his wife is not at all lucky. He is disloyal for starters ,telling you she does no housework (probably a lie).

MustControlMincepieOfDeath · 26/12/2011 00:20

this man could've slept with me already but didn't, which shows he's not a shag-chancer - but he's contemplating it, isn't he? Otherwise why would you have sent the 'cooling off period' email.

So, he's thinking of cheating on his wife...nice.

I hope she finds out, kicks him into touch and takes him for every penny. And if it were me, I'd be out looking for you with my fistofdeath ready to punch you into next week. Just to make me feel better you understand. Because
I don't know you or have any regard for your feelings. Much the same way that you have no regard for his wife's feelings.

springydaffs · 26/12/2011 00:23

No I didn't read the whole thread - it was christmas morning and I skipped most of the other posts and concentrated on your posts OP. It from your posts that I based my opinion.

CheerfulYank · 26/12/2011 02:47

I thought it was Birley who named Annabel's...

iscream · 26/12/2011 05:52

You did the right thing. And yes, she is a lucky woman, luckier than she knows!

I hope you meet a partner who is single and whom you can have a fulfilled, happy relationship with very soon.

iscream · 26/12/2011 05:54

On second thought, I have decided she isn't totally lucky after-all, as she has a husband who was emotionally unfaithful towards her. Let's say she had a close call instead, as did you. You both deserve better.

Xenia · 26/12/2011 08:36

(Birley named Annabel's after his wife. I think she (Annabel goldsmith) then left Birley for Goldsmith who was the one who said if you marry our mistress you create a vacancy etc).

Anyway yes she - poster on the thread - did the right thing. It probably won't make too much difference as those men (and women) who commit adultery if they don't do it with those who resist just go on to someone who doesn't.

CheerfulYank · 26/12/2011 08:42

Yes that's what I meant. :) (Wrt the whole Birley/Goldsmith thing)

Yes, this man probably will go on to look for someone else. OP is doing the right thing in choosing not to be a part of it, I think.

Whatmeworry · 26/12/2011 09:09

I don't think its as black and white as this, I think there is a spectrum - some men (and women) are serial adulterers, and some willl be faithful no matter what crap is heaped on them by their partner. In between are the majority IMO, many shades of men and women who will stay faithful until the relationship gets to a point where they can't see the point of it anymore.

I also think that these sort of relationships slowly drift downwards and no one really says "right, this isn't what I signed up for, I'm off to make a clean break to meet new people and start anew" - they sort of amble on until one of the parties sees a better option (meets someone new for e.g.) or there is one straw too many on a sensitive point.

So I think its very simplistic to say that anyone who would have an affair is a serial adulterer, and that is not my observation of all the friends, acquaintances etc I know who have been through this. In by far the most cases they move out of one monogamous relationship and, after a bit, end up in another monogamous one.

In my experience though, (and statistically) it is seldom the OW that gets the man, she is more usually a symptom of problems in the marriage and the catalyst for the breakup.

noblegiraffe · 26/12/2011 11:31

Decent men don't slag their wives off behind their back to women who want to sleep with them.

Hattytown · 26/12/2011 12:39

There is a huge spectrum, but in my experience the majority of affairs don't happen when a relationship is on its last legs - and this is why most most people don't leave for the new person.

They happen quite simply because of opportunity, combined with extremely low risk of being found out.

This thread is a case in point. The OP wasn't making any demands that he left his wife and was offering no-strings attached sex. It's a pity the man had to lie about why he was doing this and faking probably non-existent faults in his wife.

He was obviously just doing this because he could.

ClaraSage · 26/12/2011 14:24

Come back, OP ,come back......

Xenia · 26/12/2011 16:57

Much of whatme;s post is true but there are lots of categories (and fairly gender neutral too)

  1. Person who will have it away with someone else whenever they get the chance and it's just fun and they are only upset about it if they get found out and they dobn't in a month of Sundays want the girl they had behind the photocopier at the office party or their secretary who is a bit thick and would make a useless wife or the colleague they were holed up in Egypt with at that business trip or conference.
  1. Person who deeply falls in love with someone else when they are both married. They may even also love their spouses too but are no longer in lust with them. They may or may not leave for their lover and even if they do they may go back. Those people may either (2.1) stay faithful to the new spouse for life or (2.2) find a new lover within 2 years and repeat the pattern all their lives.
  1. Person whose spouse neer has sex with them and is generallly dreadful to them who thinks it's fine to find another partner before they leave their spouse.
  1. People who divorce with no one else involved and then find new partners once they are recovered.

(4) is the better category. A lto of the leaving spouse for lover situations result in a quick break down and 2 marriages broken up for nothing and children's lives rent asunder and usually much much less money all round and children's life chances damaged.

Xenia · 26/12/2011 16:57

And a lot of people were perfectly happy until they found themselves in love/lust with someone knew. If they had never let that happen they would have stayed married.

planetpotty · 26/12/2011 18:13

Pumpkin I've read the thread and wish I hadn't makes me Sad that someone could actually have your attitude towards another woman.
Im so glad you are leaving this it's definitely the right thing to do Smile when you are settled with someone who is right for you, read this thread back ... I think you will be very Blush about it. IMO your heads up your bum. Do whatever it takes not to have this affair/fling (same thing to his DW and others who will judge you massively).

Stay strong and stay away Smile

Original poster
pumpkincarver · 28/12/2011 10:12

since the thread is still going; I had a reply from him, saying that he completely understands my point of view and will not get in touch with me again (kind of leaving it up to me if I ever decided to contact him) and that I deserve a man who can me all mine etc.

I'm still convinced I won't ever fancy anyone like him!

OP posts:
springydaffs · 28/12/2011 10:18

What a fabulous man he is then! er, not. It doesn't matter what you say OP or what he does now, what he has already done marks him out as not the best chappy on the panet. I know you won't hear it but I really hope that the scales fall from your eyes and you see him for what he is - not the paragon of virtue and wonderfulness you are convinced he is but a shit. I so wish you could see that.

LilTooMuchTurkey · 28/12/2011 10:20

He is right. You are wrong, when you first meet the real man for you it will be better than this and it won't hurt.

Xenia · 28/12/2011 11:32

Given 30% of married people commit adultery never mind think about it this man is sadly not very unusual. That doesn't make him right and to his credit he's not pursuing the original poster who will I'm sure find someone even better.

springydaffs · 28/12/2011 12:23

But he has put the ball in her court so that, should she not be able to 'resist him', she'll get the blame, he'll be absolved of all responsibility.

Original poster
pumpkincarver · 28/12/2011 12:30

Xenia I think it's more than 30%.
Btw as I've said before, if he really was an opportunist believe me he could've already slept with me (but didn't) so don't be so quick to judge him negatively. We're human, not robot.
Anyhow, I think I'd better leave this thread because talking about him again and again is only making me want/miss him.
Thanks all for your posts, they have certainly helped me see clearer.

OP posts:
Xenia · 28/12/2011 12:53

Yes leave the thread and try to find someone single. The thing is people have said to me the best way to find a good man if you're divorced with children is to take someone married from his wife but usually they wouldn't leave their wife and secondly you would have all that trauma of him "losing" his children and 1 - 2 years of listening to whingeing from him about divorce and divorce costs and it just wouldbn't be romantic or lovely and you'd be gambling he wouldn't do the same to you so even just from your own point of view it is better to stay away from people who are married.

StickAForkInMeImDone · 28/12/2011 13:05

Sorry but if in your words "he could have slept with me but didn't" and has now replied to your email saying he won't get in touch again, then I would hazard a guess that he enjoyed flirting with you but didn't feel half the attraction you felt.
Be glad, you have had a lucky escape.

Dozer · 28/12/2011 13:12

Agree with springydaffs, by saying he'll leave it up to her he's putting the OP in the position of instigator / chaser. Bet if she doesn't contact him within weeks he'll be back in touch.

nizlopi · 28/12/2011 13:12

You have no responsibility towards his wife or marriage I suppose, but I couldn't sleep with a man who was clearly a massive scumbag. Which he is, btw, if he's seriously considering this. I guess I have too much respect for myself Hmm