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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to sleep with this married man?

507 replies

pumpkincarver · 22/12/2011 22:09

so. Met a wonderful guy, married, no kids. Am on the verge to start an affair, a fling (I'm not sure what yet) with him. I've never felt such strong attraction towards anyone else, hence my strong desire to go ahead.

I'm separated and single.
Am wondering how this rates on Mumsnet's grand moral scale.
Opinions appreciated, and no offence will be taken : )

OP posts:
Oblomov · 23/12/2011 23:47

I'm finding this thread very hard to read.
Is the Op a troll? some dimwit with the mentality ability of a tortoise? Op seems detached. self obsessed.
and she hasn't listened to a word of good advice.
And for the record, I have never cheated, and as far as I know, my dh hasn't. but the Op's disrespect for marriage, is a bitter pill for me to swallow.
best I leave.

perfumedlife · 23/12/2011 23:51

She has listened though Oblomov, she said upthread she is going to email and tell him to leave it a few months to see how they feel.

Oblomov · 23/12/2011 23:57

sorry. did see thta. thank god for that.

AbbyAbsinthe · 24/12/2011 00:00

Blimey Mya2403 she hasn't actually done anything. I don't think anyone should get the shit kicked out of them for thinking about having sex.

Hattytown · 24/12/2011 00:02

No, this is what Pumpkin said:

"He just said that she's not that interested in sex"

It's not rocket science why you might see a lot of posts about mis-matched sex drives on a parenting site is it? Or that contributors advise that sex lives often have a bit of a dip when children are young and demanding a lot of their parents' energies? Or advice that men are not neanderthals who will seek out sex wherever it is offered and that men like women, are not overtaken by their libidoes if it means risking their families' happiness? These posts don't subscribe to the rubbish that all men are crap and will have sex with any willing idiot at the drop of a hat. I like to see those posts that don't denigrate men like that.

Who knows why this woman 'isn't that interested in sex'. Could be that although her and her husband work full-time, she's the one expected to do all the chores and she's knackered and resentful. I've met lots of women like that, but I confess I've yet to meet one who 'wasn't that interested in sex'.

KouklaMoo · 24/12/2011 00:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

Original poster
pumpkincarver · 24/12/2011 00:17

quick update: email sent. I'm gutted but hey. And for the record the dw doesn't work, doesn't do housechores, doesn't do a thing. He has to do everything.

OP posts:
KouklaMoo · 24/12/2011 00:20

Oh, sure he does.

KRITIQ · 24/12/2011 00:21

OP, if you're really gagging for it, why not have a really good wank? If he's not having sex with his wife (oldest lie in the book though, any fewl no!), why can't he wank as well. You get the release without the risk of sti, pregnancy, potential heartache, gossip, messy divorce, etc. Just fantasise you ARE doing it with him while you wank, if that helps you get off.

Dunno, I think there are some folks who actually WANT to create complications in their lives and other peeps lives, just for the drama of it.

AbbyAbsinthe · 24/12/2011 00:23

Oh pumpkin Sad Come on mate, how many marriages do you know like that? I know you think he's wonderful, but he's really not.

KouklaMoo · 24/12/2011 00:25

Actually, try and get him off his wife. Then you'll see just how much he does I'm sure.

good luck x

AbbyAbsinthe · 24/12/2011 00:25

How old are you, out of interest? I'm not trying to patronise you either, I just think your age may be relevant to your naivety.

Hattytown · 24/12/2011 00:34

Christ you're gullible Pumpkin. He must have thought he'd died and gone to heaven when he met someone who actually believed all this crap. Please see this logically though. Why would a man without children want to stay with a woman who neither worked, lifted a finger at home and wasn't interested in sex?

Well done for sending that E mail though.

TheSecondComing · 24/12/2011 00:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mya2403 · 24/12/2011 02:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

WhereYouLeftIt · 24/12/2011 03:17

"I don't want to play martyr, just saying that maybe a bit of heartache is the price worth paying for a lovely, passionate fling."
That sentence was ever so Mills & Boon, OP. Ahh, how romantic!

Seriously, that is just so unrealistic. You are seeing it all as so pretty pretty. It won't be. It will be snot-inducing tears all round. But if it's drama you want, yeah, you're going the right way. And it is the drama you want, isn't it? Because I can see no other reason to post this in AIBU, when you so clearly do not consider yourself or your plans unreasonable in the slightest. Even the idea of the email - well, he'll have to reply, and the drama/romance of it all will spin on ...

And your most recent posts regarding his wife:

  1. She's not that interested in sex
  2. She doesn't work
  3. She does no housework, he does it all
  4. You've never met her, your hearing it all from him

Does it sound at all likely?

homealone1 · 24/12/2011 07:00

kouklamoo your post just after midnight was offensive to the extreme. I am going to report it. It's sad that posters can't see that their behaviour makes them worse than the people they are trying to put down.

pumpkin I hope you have a good christmas and look after yourself and your emotional needs.

noblegiraffe · 24/12/2011 08:02

I thought his marriage was ok apart from the sex and now she's also a lazy sponger too? Hmm. I expect she doesn't understand him like you do either.

Odds on this trial separation thing just leads to 'oh I can't bear to be apart from you, it's killing me' dramatics. But he still won't leave his wife for you.

ChildofIsis · 24/12/2011 08:10

If he does leave his wife for you do you really want to be in a relationship with a man who watches his sex life degrade to nothing then goes looking elsewhere for fulfillment.

What sort of person would choose such a tit to be with?

exoticfruits · 24/12/2011 08:13

I think that I would try asking him to a give a reason for being with her if there are no children, no sex, she doesn't work and he does all the housework? It would be interesting to see what reason he comes up with in this tissue of lies.

ChildofIsis · 24/12/2011 08:23

That's a good point Exotic, wouldn't it be great to watch him squirm?

Of course the OP won't ask because she's bought into the lies hasn't she?

Proudnscary · 24/12/2011 08:26

OP I don't really care that you've made this 'brave and wise' decision to leave this married man alone - you sound like a total wally, so you know..meh.

But if and when you do embark on this wildly romantic affair and give in to the deep connection you, of course, share - he will absolutely definitely fuck around on you one day.

Unbelievable that women still fall for the 'my wife is a lazy, frigid, uncaring cow'.

If that was true then a self-respecting, intelligent, emotionally sound man would leave her - he wouldn't be trying to get his leg over with a woman who he probably doesn't even particularly fancy let alone care about.

Inertia · 24/12/2011 08:26

Pumpkin, glad to see that you have decided to stop actively pursuing this man (not convinced that an email is necessary though - are you hoping the wife finds it? ).

Other posters have illustrated the awful consequences that your potential affair would have for the wife in this situation. Have you considered the long term consequences for you ?

You say that once you've had a fling that you'd like to look for a good single man to settle down with. Do you think that will be more likely to happen once you've got a name as a marriage wrecker? There's a significant danger that you'll become known (whether justified or not - and personally I think it's archaic and unreasonable to divide women into 'good' and 'bad' ) as someone who is good for a shag but not a long term relationship.

If you want serious relationships in the future you need to start looking beyond the belief that you have a right to fuck anyone you fancy. No relationship will ever work out if you act like this every time you get a crush on somebody. Loads of people get crushes - but grown-ups get over them.

You say all the good men are taken. Maybe you need to meet more men - men who are interested in the same things as you , men who are available. This married man isn't the only sexually attractive man in the world.

Sounds as though the abusive marriage has damaged your self esteem. An affair is likely to bring only more hurt once you get past the heady excitement stage. And setting out to improve your own self-image by destroying another woman is not on.

noblegiraffe · 24/12/2011 08:26

It does sound like he is manipulating you into bed with him by slating his wife so that you don't worry about potentially hurting her. Hey, she's a lazy frigid scrounger, she doesn't deserve him, serves her right for not treating him right. If he said she was nice and hardworking, as she probably is otherwise why not leave her, well that would be much harder to betray.

He's not a nice man.

Whatmeworry · 24/12/2011 08:32

Or advice that men are not neanderthals who will seek out sex wherever it is offered and that men like women, are not overtaken by their libidoes if it means risking their families' happiness? These posts don't subscribe to the rubbish that all men are crap and will have sex with any willing idiot at the drop of a hat. I like to see those posts that don't denigrate men like that.

The above is the MN Myth encapsulated, and people "like to see these posts" - but it's not the way the world really works - and this sort of thread makes it very clear that it isn't, and this threatens people's worldview

Hence some of the extreme responses here IMO.