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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to sleep with this married man?

507 replies

pumpkincarver · 22/12/2011 22:09

so. Met a wonderful guy, married, no kids. Am on the verge to start an affair, a fling (I'm not sure what yet) with him. I've never felt such strong attraction towards anyone else, hence my strong desire to go ahead.

I'm separated and single.
Am wondering how this rates on Mumsnet's grand moral scale.
Opinions appreciated, and no offence will be taken : )

OP posts:
ThePathanKhansWitch · 23/12/2011 18:46

Well said sunshine. If you have feelings for each other, whilst he's still married, you both need to step back.

For some perspective at least.

Original poster
pumpkincarver · 23/12/2011 18:47

I didn't realise me calling you "ladies" was offensive, esp after some of you have called me much worse things.
Oh and to think that I'm the bloke? How bizarre!

OP posts:
Santageekmum · 23/12/2011 18:48

It's obvious that the op has made up her (or his?) mind that she will be completely blameless in this scenario and nothing we can say will dissuade her from this.

Yes, the man is obviously the one doing the deceit and should be the one blamed for the inevitable breakdown of trust that will occur. But in criminal parlance, op will be an accessory to the crime and therefore not blameless.

Op, and those agreeing with you, are what's wrong with society. Everyone has a part to play in maintaining a moral structure to society, to help keep trust between people. You are helping someone betray his wife. Dispicable.

Original poster
pumpkincarver · 23/12/2011 18:50

homealone, I agree with what you say. I'm not sure if the terrible marriage I've been through has affected my self-esteem. Maybe I'm just cynical in that I think that the decent blokes are taken.

Maybe stepping back is a good idea, at least to see if we both feel the same after a while.

OP posts:
homealone1 · 23/12/2011 18:50

Op, and those agreeing with you, are what's wrong with society. Everyone has a part to play in maintaining a moral structure to society, to help keep trust between people

Santageek...if I followed your philosophy I would not have an amazing DH and 3 beautiful children!

perfumedlife · 23/12/2011 18:53

Xmas Smile Thanks homealone1 I muddle through, you get to mid forties and you've picked up some experience along with the hard knocks. The op doesn't seem to want to listen though, or answer what makes this man tick. It really is central to me, why give your body and intimacy to someone who is not even trying to pretend that they want you full time? It beggars belief to me. The op must have low self esteem and this could finish her off, if she falls hard. Why does she want to do that to herself, and allow him to do it too?

homealone1 · 23/12/2011 18:53

Pumpkin - how long ago did you actually split up? Don't underestimate the effects it can have on you. Sorry to sound all Oprah but you need time to heal and also consider getting some therapy to bolster your self esteem. Trust me - without it, you will only find indecent men because they will instantly see that you don't love and respect yourself. I am speaking from experience and I really don't want to see you getting hurt.

allohora · 23/12/2011 18:54

it's sad but if he is the cheating kind, if it's not you, he'll cheat with the next woman. Play your cards right, you could even be his cheated wife next time, lucky you!
my advice is that flirting is fair game but I would steer clear of anything else and wait for your next obsession to come along.

knockneedandknackered1 · 23/12/2011 18:57

i hope the wife finds out then can give u a big slap across the face.

perfumedlife · 23/12/2011 19:00

Sorry op, just seen your latest post. I hope you do take some time out to reflect on what you need, want and deserve. You do deserve to have have someone all to yourself, who wants to tell the world how much they love you. Having this fling doesn't sound like the way to get it.

I fell in love with a mm. I didn't know he was married and as soon as he admitted it, I ended it. I took a long time to feel trust that he kept that secret for several weeks. I hadn't slept with him thankfully so felt I had enough distance to put it behind me. Weeks later he left his marriage, we got together and it was the toughest three years of my life. I adored him and hated him at the same time. I can't say in all honesty that I regret the relationship, I think nothing is lost when love has played such a big part but I wouldn't heartily recommend it. It is always better to end the marriage, cleanly as possible, immediately the feelings for someone else develop, or of course, work on the marriage.

What you are proposing is just so different. You are forgetting you have feelings and they can grow and deepen. Demand respect and you will get it, lay down like a doormat, a bit on the side, and you will get that too.

Santageekmum · 23/12/2011 19:02

homealone yes it's worked for you and I'm glad it did. But I'm sure at the time that trust was broken and people hurt. It would hurt whenever a marriage breaks down but I'm sure it's worse when trust is broken.

Obviously I can't tell exactly what happened in your situation but I feel it would be better all round if he left his wife first.

Whatmeworry · 23/12/2011 19:05

I agree with a lot of what Perhumegarden and homealone1 are saying, that chimes with everything I have experienced or witnessed in Real Life. But the OP is not the first single woman to throw in her lot with a married man and won't be the last by far.

I think if she reads this thread there is everything you need to know about the pitfalls except how it feels when you are in the situation, and you only get that by doing it.

What has increasingly fascinated me over this thread though is how very insecure/ threatened some of "the ladies" are by this, and I'm trying to think why such vehemence, as it has clearly hit a huge nerve.

ReindeerBollocks · 23/12/2011 19:07

Pumpkin, you will fall in love, you already have feelings for him, hence you saying he is the most amazing man you met, and you would date him if he was single. There have been several indicators that you won't be able to just have a fling - so stop kidding yourself.

Also married men who are genuinely unhappy don't stay that way, they get divorced. If all decent men are taken then why is this man trying to shag you? He's clearly not decent so that statement is clearly a crock of shit you've created to appease your actions.

While I agree that you didn't make any vows to his wife, do you get off on knowing that your actions will cause someone else's heartbreak? Because your actions will cause this, you will hurt his wife as much as he will as you are complicit in this happening.

Plus I never understood a woman who just gets sex and gifts - as nice as that may sound, to me that just sounds like the equialent of a prostitute. But hey, he's lovely so why not?

For what it's worth, I think he is a nasty piece of shit for considering an affair with you. I hate men who are pathetic enough to use the same old excuses in the bid to get into the knickers of another woman. If he spent less time with you and more time wooing his wife then he wouldn't even be in this predicament. Therefore he is a spineless little prick who gets everything he deserves. Do enjoy wont you?

KeepInMindItsAlmostChristmas · 23/12/2011 19:08

His poor wife Sad
you sound vile as does he so you most likely deserve each other

ReindeerBollocks · 23/12/2011 19:13

whatme I do agree with some of the things you've said, but take a look at the relationships board, some of those women, and some on this thread will have been the woman who was cheated on - why would they encourage anyone else to do that?

I don't think all married women live in fear of their men cheating, maybe they genuinely are questioning why the OP would want to hurt another human being in this way. I think the OP maybe does have self esteem issues but shagging a married man won't help her, it will only make any existing issues increase ten fold.

I have a feeling that this man will cheat regardless. It could be the OP or another woman, but if the OP chooses to stay clear she can have a clear conscious knowing that she hasn't destroyed a marriage.

peachyicecream · 23/12/2011 19:16

I agree with others that you have feelings for him. You say you've met a 'wonderful guy.' That suggests more than simple physical attraction, and a no strings attached affair.
If it was sex only, why wouldn't you pick on any of the single men you say you meet, whether they are old or young.
It sounds to me that you WANT to hook HIM because of what he is, not because of simply fancying him.

You are heading for a crash landing with him - your feelings WILL get the better of you. You will not be able to isolate them in sex alone.

What I don't understand is why he and his DW don't split up...it's not as if there are any DC binding them together.

That, plus your limited knowledge of his DW, and indeed him, suggests you are being flirted with, led on and you will be dumped from a very high height before long.

Back off while you can.
Find a single man. There are plenty around!

LilTooMuchTurkey · 23/12/2011 19:22

Hec and, as always, peachy I completely concur!

LunaticFringe · 23/12/2011 19:31

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cantspel · 23/12/2011 19:35

So has she shagged him yet?

RosemaryandThyme · 23/12/2011 20:02

Consider what his wife might do when she finds out.

Some wives will come for you, knowing that men are often weak she may hold you to be at fault - and make your life hell.

Hell hath no fury and all that.
Don't expect the wife to be sane, act resonably, blame the husband etc
She may well make it her lifes' mission to utterly destroy you.

D0G · 23/12/2011 20:03

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perfumedlife · 23/12/2011 20:14

DOG I think being emotionally disturbed could cover a multitude of things that homealone hasn't divulged. It could be abusive behaviour toward him or the dc or compulsive lying, anything really. There will always be reasons why people leave their marriages, not all of them for another woman. Everyone has the right to live free from fear and abuse and emotionally disturbed behaviour could inflict that on a dh/dw, regardless of what caused it.

Or are we now advocating no one leaves their marriages ever again, women included?

D0G · 23/12/2011 20:16

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suzikettles · 23/12/2011 20:17

You sound like a friend of mine tbh. She was single, met a lovely guy who had a girlfriend but they "weren't having sex, but he loves her and doesn't want to hurt her, but he has his needs and it would just be a bit of fun"...

So anyway, lovely fling ends up on her falling head over heels and then a few months later apparently he loved her too and, oh it was hard and he was so conflicted because he loved both his gf and my friend. Oh poor, poor lovely man.

And then he decided that he loved my friend so much that he was going to leave his gf, but not yet because she was soooo vulnerable and he couldn't hurt her. This went on for some time.

Eventually, three years later my friend realised what we'd all known for the last 5 years, that he was never going to leave his gf and she broke up with him. He harrassed begged her to reconsider for a few months and then married his girlfriend.

I met him a couple of times. Seriously, he seemed lovely (apart from being a cheating prick obv) but he was actually a sort of sociopath really.

I hope you'll be ok. My friend really wasn't. She wasted a good chunk of her 20s on a quick no-strings affair.

D0G · 23/12/2011 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.