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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to sleep with this married man?

507 replies

pumpkincarver · 22/12/2011 22:09

so. Met a wonderful guy, married, no kids. Am on the verge to start an affair, a fling (I'm not sure what yet) with him. I've never felt such strong attraction towards anyone else, hence my strong desire to go ahead.

I'm separated and single.
Am wondering how this rates on Mumsnet's grand moral scale.
Opinions appreciated, and no offence will be taken : )

OP posts:
Turkeyfanjo · 23/12/2011 20:25

What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder
Mark 10:9

No good will result from coming between man and wife, not for you or anyone.

perfumedlife · 23/12/2011 20:30

Well, yes...but ending a marriage legally can take a long time. I think if the parties have both talked and acknowledged that it's over, then the marriage is only alive on a technicality really.

In sickness and in health sounds noble but can also be a way to trap miserable people in a dead institution too. We move on from the fifties and embrace no fault divorce, sanctions for domestic violence and yet recall the sickness and health when it suits.

Original poster
pumpkincarver · 23/12/2011 20:30

the bible also says you should beat up your children; are we really taking lessons in morality from the bible ffs?

OP posts:
Original poster
pumpkincarver · 23/12/2011 20:33

I have decided to write him an email tonight, just to say let's take some time off this "thing" before it's too late and see how we feel in a few months time.

Heck I haven't had sex for such a long time I can wait a bit longer I'm sure.

OP posts:
measles64 · 23/12/2011 20:36

All things pass in time even attraction you are wise to hold back...

perfumedlife · 23/12/2011 20:37

pumpkincarver I don't think you will regret this, good for you. If he really is the man for you he will sort this out the right way. I wish you all the very best, after your exh you deserve it. Don't settle for less!

ReindeerBollocks · 23/12/2011 20:39

Good for you OP. Work on getting happy within your own skin, then if he leaves his wife he can work on getting your affections in an honorable way.

AbbyAbsinthe · 23/12/2011 20:40

You know, pumpkin, you are listening, I think.

I'm not moralising at you in a sexual way, iykwim. It's more of a... decency thing. I believe in karma, however that occurs, and I really, truly believe that you're heading down the wrong road with this one.

Fuck me, that overwhelming lust for someone is hard to ignore. But please do, I honestly think you'll get hurt.

KeepInMindItsAlmostChristmas · 23/12/2011 20:40

Three words world of pain

littlemisssarcastic · 23/12/2011 20:48

OP, In one of your posts, you said I do not delude myself in anyway.

I beg to differ. You are probably the most deluded poster on AIBU this evening.

Go ahead, have an affair, but don't kid yourself that when you've shagged his brains out, you'll know for certain that you can just walk away.

Do you think the women who have only wanted to shag a married man and walk away afterwards, yet are still being used by him years later, were intially different to you? If they are, then how?

You have said nothing so far to make me think you are any different to the many many other women whose sole intention was to shag a married man, then walk away, but who are in fact still seeing him months, if not years later. And if you think that wont hurt his wife, that she will somehow be completely oblivious to the fact that her husband is wanking his cock with another woman's fanny being unfaithful to her, then you are very very naive.

PostBellumBugsy · 23/12/2011 21:02

Really wise move Pumpkin - good for you. I hope you have a great Christmas & that in 2012 you find someone worthy of your affection. Xmas Smile

Whatmeworry · 23/12/2011 21:05

I beg to differ. You are probably the most deluded poster on AIBU this evening.

I have to say, some of the people railing against her knock the OP's delusions into a cocked hat.

littlemisssarcastic · 23/12/2011 21:08

Meaning me Whatmeworry? Care to expand on that?

homealone1 · 23/12/2011 21:09

DOG - emotionally disturbed does not equate to a psychiatric disorder. It's usually a personality disorder. Perfume is spot on - my DH's ex was a compulsive liar, very manipulative and mapped out an extraordinary parallel life for herself in her web of lies. My DH thought she was vulnerable and felt guilty about leaving her.....until he met me. It made him realise how a normal relationship should be.

Pumpkin - I'm glad you are putting yourself first. It's hard when you are gagging for sex but your emotions take a lot longer to mend than the cravings!

ThePathanKhansWitch · 23/12/2011 21:15

I think your very wise Pumpkin. I really hope you find your happiness wherever that lays. Good luck.

Ticklemonster2 · 23/12/2011 21:21

You know it's low life. Grow up!

Whatmeworry · 23/12/2011 21:36

Not you at all littlemiss, I think your thoughts echo mine i.e. the risk is not getting into bed with him, but thinking you can get out again.

No, I think some other posters on this thread are asking for the moon for the DW, the real world just don't work that way.

Mumcentreplus · 23/12/2011 21:48
littlemisssarcastic · 23/12/2011 21:54

Totally agree Whatmeworry.

ElfOfThePerverse · 23/12/2011 21:55

Perfumedlife summed it up beautifully with: 'Demand respect and you will get it, lay down like a doormat, a bit on the side, and you will get that too.'

If you refuse to be a bit on the side there is a chance he will decide his feelings for you are strong enough to do something about having a proper relationship with you. OTOH he may not bother with you at all if you're not willing to just be a casual shag, in which case you've avoided having your self-esteem trashed by a cheating twat.

Hattytown · 23/12/2011 22:55

Hope you follow through on your plan to cool it Pumpkin.

For all the reasons given on this long thread, but also because very few women dislike sex and if he's telling the truth, what he's saying is that his wife doesn't much like sex with him.

I think he's lying and you were in danger of falling for the oldest line in the book, but if so he's not very bright is he? He's hardly advertising his sexual prowess is he?

In summary, he's either a crap shag or a liar.

Hattytown · 23/12/2011 23:04

And another thing. A lot of blokes trot out this line about their wives not liking sex because they grow up believing sexist bollocks about men liking sex more than women do. They also know that there are gullible but competitive women out there who will do their damndest to prove that they are sex goddesses up for it, morning, noon and night. They rely on women trying to 'outdo' eachother in being the 'better' woman.

Don't buy into that crap and shit on another woman.

Whatmeworry · 23/12/2011 23:30

I'd read it more that DH and DW are in a rut and he wants it more than she does. You see these sort of threads on MN weekly, but IMO the MNetters always go for the theoretical (he must suck it up) rather than the more likely (someone sucks him) conclusion.

Mya2403 · 23/12/2011 23:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

perfumedlife · 23/12/2011 23:44

Lovely.