to want to sleep with this married man?

[pumpkincarver]

so. Met a wonderful guy, married, no kids. Am on the verge to start an affair, a fling (I'm not sure what yet) with him. I've never felt such strong attraction towards anyone else, hence my strong desire to go ahead.

I'm separated and single.
Am wondering how this rates on Mumsnet's grand moral scale.
Opinions appreciated, and no offence will be taken : )

What goes around comes around !!!!!!!!!!!

Bet the bloke now - or in a couple of months - pursues the OP even more, will say he's willing to wait for her, lots romantic messages and tension. More cliches and bullshit. Cos he wants to have sex with her.

...and will be prepared to leave his wife but not just now because she is going through such a difficult time and being such a lovely man, he must do what's right

Did you meet him on the internet? You've never explained how the two of you met, or how the subject of sex has come up between you when he's already married.

To me it sounds like you're using this planned affair/sex as an escape route from real issues in your life. You say you've come out of an abusive relationship. This would be the time you need to spend healing yourself and treating yourself well, not being some wanker's bit on the side. Start examining yourself and see why your self-worth is so low that you're willing to be some guy's spare shag.

The other thing that comes across loud and clear from your posts is that you seem to think this guy deserves to be sexually serviced and you're the woman to do it. Your justifications are pretty much all about his "needs" and what he's not getting from his wife (including the cleaning, does that mean that women whose husbands do nothing are entitled to shag around too?). Why are you so brainwashed that men are entitled to sex and that there should be a woman handy to provide it.

I think you're vulnerable, he's fed you a lot of lines and manipulated you, and you're desperate to try and make this right in your head. You know it's wrong though. Walk away. He's fucking you over and he's fucking his wife over.

What on earth does he see in his wife?

I just don't get it OP.

They have completely different sex drives, in fact, DW's is non existent.
She doesn't lift a finger in the house.
She doesn't work.
Actually, she doesn't do a thing.
I'm struggling to see anything aboout his dw that makes him stay tbh.

OTOH, He clearly has no respect for her, divulging details of her apparent failures to a sex crazed nymph who wants to rip his trousers off, has no respect for you, expecting you to believe these crap lines, plus he makes himself out to be a walk over imo. A man who disrespects his wife by cheating on her, but jumps when she says 'how high'??

I am just imagining their home life...dw lazes on a chaise longue all day, watching daytime tv...dh arrives home after a gruelling day to his wife's greeting of 'What's for dinner DH? Oh btw, the bathroom is looking abit grubby, and the waste disposal unit smells awful, I hope the damn thing hasn't regurgitated the food waste again, I haven't bothered to look, I was too engrossed in the tv to bother getting up and looking.'

DH cooks dinner, sorts out the mess, washes up, and then slides into bed beside his dw, feeling horny. She flicks the end of his penis hard, and tells him 'No darling, not tonight, after your last attempt at sex in 1997, I get flashbacks every time I see your penis...yuk!!, oh and would you get up early in the morning to run my bath before i go for lunch with my friends, I can't possibly have them coming here to eat...not until the house is spick and span...when exactly will you be doing that DH?'

DH takes the pencil out from behind his ear and scribbles 'Clean house until it's spick and span' in his notebook, before replying 'Oh very soon my love, very soon' before turning over and drifting into an uneasy slumber.

Now there must be a reason why he stays married to this woman..he either enjoys being treated this way, and some men do, or she is contributing something to the marriage that he wants/needs, or she is not as lazy/frigid etc as he is telling you she is.

Mind you, I don't expect you to do anything other than blindly trust him.

Also if you only wanted a shag OP, it would not register on your radar how much or how little she does in the house, unless it interferes with how often he can get out...I do believe most of cinderella's waking hours were taken up cooking and cleaning .

I'm sorry Whatmeworry if your 'world view' is that men as a sex are incapable of thinking beyond their lust, but don't condescend and speak for others. If you're capable of behaviour like that, don't judge all men by those very low standards, or accuse others of believing in a 'myth'. You can only speak for yourself - and the other men you know.

Loving littlemisssarcastic's post.

It does sound like he is manipulating you into bed with him by slating his wife so that you don't worry about potentially hurting her. Hey, she's a lazy frigid scrounger, she doesn't deserve him, serves her right for not treating him right. If he said she was nice and hardworking, as she probably is otherwise why not leave her, well that would be much harder to betray.

It doesn't take much imagination to know what he would tell his wife if she found out. You can be sure it would be your fault!!

Pumpkin - I'm going to assume that you're actually a nice, non-selfish person, so this is my non-shouty, non-mean advice I would give you if you were one of my friends sharing this with me; don't do it.

If you actually like this man as a friend as well as fancy him, and genuinely believe he's a nice bloke, then sleeping with him would be the worst thing you could do for him. Even if he says he is happy at home beyond the bad sex, sex is obviously important enough to him to be wanting to sleep with you, and emotionally he's obviously not getting what he needs from the relationship if he's having to confide in you (and basically use you as emotional support).

If you sleep with him and continue to be a 'listening ear' to him, you are papering over the cracks in his relationship, he doesn't need to deal with the problems he has at home if you are there to make it all a bit better. Being his mistress could prop up this failed relationship, rather than make him face up to the fact he's in a marriage with the wrong person.

You say there are no children, but while his wife isn't interested in sex, you didn't say they aren't having sex, there's a good chance she could get pregnant. If he's really a nice man in a bad relationship, while it'll be hard for him to walk away now, he will find it near to impossible if his wife does get pregnant.

The kindest thing you could do for him is to refuse to see him (beyond what you have to if you work together or know him via other friends), force him to face up to his relationship problems, rather than looking for a distraction from them.

You could be the best friend this man ever has. The easiest way to achieve that is to refuse to see him until he's faced his problems. Or you could be his worst enemy, you could help him hit the self distruct button.

I say you should go after the wife

She sounds much more interesting

She has a husband who she has convinced to do all the "housechores" while she makes herself pretty

She hardly ever has sex so she must be gagging for it

Drop her an email...I soooo would

gosh, I hadn't realised this thread would go on and on.
Inertia, the reason why I've sent him an email is because it's definitely safe off the dw's sight, whereas a text wouldn't be that's all.

As for how we met, without going too much into detail (for paranoia of him being identified), it was a pure chance meeting in unusual circumstances (sorry ladies, but it was very romantic).
Regardless of what some of you think, I can say that he really is a decent bloke, and trust me he could've already slept with me if he was a ruthless shagger like you think.

I'm kind of glad I've sent the email, although believe me the chemistry I have with him is incredible.
But that doesn't matter anymore!
Now, if I don't meet any incredible single men I'll sue you all

Happy Christmas

Lydia, I don't think I could be friends with someone I fancy so much, no way.

I sometimes think the Women's Institute or Mother's Union should give those of us who are single and reject married people an annual prize.

Anyway if you rejected him that's good and it's good for your own self preservation too as most people of either sex who are married don't leave their spouse for their lover. Some do but not money and if they do leave their spouse for you you can bepretty sure they are the cheating kind and within a year or two perhaps after your first baby they will be in bed with their secretary.

You might not meet a great single man but we aren't here to have fun a a life aim. Most of us try to do the right thing even if that isn't in our own interests. A good thought on CHristmas night.,

Xenia, are you implying that I should settle for a boring man that I'm not totally crazy about? I'd rather be single.

I don't think that's what she said.

Most of us try to do the right thing even if that isn't in our own interests

It's about doing what's right. And I agree with her!

And

You shouldn't settle for anyone, boring/single or even fun/married.

You could hold out for fun/single, perhaps???

Absolutely not but I think men and women who are single are best choosing from the pool of single people. If they choose from the pool of married people they tend to be used and cast aside or destroy the lives of the first family and then find that is done unto them.

I was making two points (a) if you go after Mr Married he will probably not leave his wife and (b) even if he did you would have been acting wrongly.

I reject married men. Even if they say they are single -someone recently did; turned out when we spoke he was still living with his wife and daughter although I genuinely believe they are separated in the house (and he was ugly and dull anyway). It's just a recipe for disaster. Of course there will be a good few second wives here on mumsnet who had an affair with a married man and then married him and had his babies but they are likely to find he cheats on them and leaves them in the same position as wife number 2.

Although gosh the Christmas story the much older man Joseph marrying the pretty 14 year old supposedly virgin girl to whom he'd been promised years before, pregnant with someone else's child shows how these themes have continuously been played out over history.

I love how your autocorrect is set to "money"'for a mis-typed m word, Xenia

I haven't read back to find the typo. I certainly don't pick men on financial grounds. Rejected even very very rich married men. Perhaps I'm entitled to a double prize from the WI on that score.

The world is so black and white to some people.

Married men never leave their wives.

And if they do, they will always be the unfaithful type.

Any woman who goes with a married man has no morals.

Have a Merry Grey Christmas - cos that's what the word is.

I'm sorry Whatmeworry if your 'world view' is that men as a sex are incapable of thinking beyond their lust, but don't condescend and speak for others. If you're capable of behaviour like that, don't judge all men by those very low standards, or accuse others of believing in a 'myth'. You can only speak for yourself - and the other men you know.

If you were right and I wrong this thread would not exist, OWs would not be scary monsters and the statistics for affairs would be a fraction of what they are.

I said 80% of married people with a lover don't leave their spouse or some stat like that. I didn't say they never do. However Goldsmith said when you marry your mistress (his was the lady he named Annabelle's after) you create a vacancy as indeed he dd and brought up a second family in Paris. That is what you risk if you take a man from another woman. Yes sometimes he may be faithful for you for life but even if he were is it really the right moral choice to put yours and his happiness above that of his children?

Also plenty of times he finds wife 2 turns into wife 1 and he ends up with two much the same but much worse off and two lots of children he cannot afford to keep. The greener grass elsewhere often isn't greener.

The fact that you don't realise your self-esteem will have been very damaged after an abusive and violent marriage suggests you are not fully inside your own head/heart. I would also bet you have form for being attracted to shits, that this goes back a long way.

Of course he's wonderful! You're both in a bubble and he's pulling out all his best stock for you to see and be dazzled by, so he can consumate. That's all he's after. If you put it to him that all he's after is sex he would be horrified because he believes completely and utterly that he's a Nice Bloke and always will believe it I expect - a nice bloke who is only human, what with the lazy etc wife, how could any man be expected to put up with that without a release? He's an even nicer bloke because he doesn't want to hurt his wife - what a really nice bloke, that he'd stay with a wife who isn't giving him the basics [apparently] and there are no children to bind them together. You believe it too. imo that is because you seem to have no idea what constitutes a bona fide nice bloke.

This guy is not a nice bloke. If he cared for you he wouldn't want to put you in such a compromising position, one that will certainly damage you. Not to mention his unsuspecting wife. If you go ahead with this his mask will eventually slip, if you're lucky (particularly when he's got what he's after), and you'll see this for the sleazy, damaging thing it is and that he is a liar who at route has no respect for you or his wife and has served you up a crock of shit. Possibly not a conscious liar but a liar nonetheless. It's him he's got a crush on, not you.

If these men who get dazzled by their egos and dicks didn't have a woman like you available they wouldn't be able to get away with it. Yo've been played OP - maybe you are playing eachother. imo you are a vulnerable person, the very last to embark on a no-strings fling with a married man.

springydaff, sweeping generalisations may make you feel secure in your opinions but do not reflect reality in many cases.
Not sure if you have read the whole thread; this man could've slept with me already but didn't, which shows he's not a shag-chancer.
But all this is now a bit irrelevant as I have taken the active step of writing an email to take time off this thing before we end up doing something that we might regret later. It has been very hard but I'm glad I did it; it might give me time to cool off and see if I can meet someone else, etc.

She's a lucky woman that's for sure!!!

She's not, you know. You clearly don't think so, but he's a shit.