Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that fil has got the dc Oxfam goats for Christmas?

316 replies

lecce · 22/12/2011 19:46

I'm not sure exactly why but this has seriously pissed me off. The dc are 2 and 4 and these 'gifts' arrived today in the post, though fil will be spending Christmas day with us.

We are not hugely well-off and I suppose I feel that if he thinks the dc don't need yet more toys (they are by no means spolit, but I often get the sense form all the in-laws that they think our dc have too much - odd little comments like, "My goodness, those can't all be your toys surely," etc etc) he could have got clothes, paid for a day out or put money in their savings account etc. I know it probably doesn't show me in a very positive light, but I don't think our dc are so ridiculously priviliged that they need to be taught this lesson. Of course they are well-fed, clothed and have plenty of toys (some of their clothing and toys are second-hand, though admittedly only because there are brands I like that I can't afford new) but we can't afford holidays other than UK camping, expensive days out more than a couple of times a year and some of their Christmas presents are from Ebay. When I think about the future and the dc going to university I feel a bit panicky. Dh also has MS so our future is perhaps a little more uncertain than others'.

Of course we are hugely better off than the people Oxfam help but so is fil and he has not informed us that this is what he is doing and told us to get him a simialr gift has he? No, he will recieve a gift for himself on Christmas day. This is the main part that annoys me. Why does he get to decide that others have too much, while receiving more for himself?

For the record, I try to make the dc aware of others less fortunate than themselves and we often donate old itemss to charity and talk about the children who might be receiving them. However, I feel they are too young to have to worry about this too much and I don't want to make them feel guilty about what they have. In any case, I don't feel it is up to fil to dictate the way in which we appraoch the moral education of our dc.

I am so annoyed - AIBU?

OP posts:
BendyBob · 23/12/2011 00:16

Yanbu. Give to charity, yes, but why make a statement about it and call it a 'present' when it's not?

And you are quite right lecce; how come he didn't make it clear he'd like the same in return?Hmm

carernotasaint · 23/12/2011 00:24

And why has the OP got to sit down and explain it all to her children in great detail? Wont she have enough to do on Christmas Day! It was FILs bright idea so he should do it.

MayaAngelsFromTheRealmsOfCool · 23/12/2011 00:24

I just can't get all worked up about the few instances in which people in wealthy countries don't get yet more stuff that they don't need. Whether or not they are children. I include myself in this.

We are not hugely off either, in fact I recognise the OP's description of how she spends her money - we are exactly the same. But we really don't need anything. Our children don't need anything, except bigger clothes when they grow out of their current ones, and, obviously, food on the table.

It's nice when friends and relatives buy them treats, it's really lovely and we're always appreciative. But to virtually demand it (by getting angry) just because it's Christmas??? Bloody Nora. Forgive me for missing the clause about kids needing nice plastic pressies in the UN Declaration of Human Rights.

We are so very spoilt in this part of the world that we really, really, really just don't see it.

RosemaryandThyme · 23/12/2011 00:25

Arrh so the present giver gives money to a charity, charity then purchase animals, here a goat, for giving to people who need goats, then charity sends pictures of (generic) goat along with goat-related memoribilla to another person with a note to say this goat has been bought by original giver and sent to needy person which is not you. Parents of child not receiving goat then purchase toy goat and goat cheese and construct goat scrap-book to help child who did not receive goat to relate to missing goat idea. Has the world gone mad?

carernotasaint · 23/12/2011 00:31

Maya with all due respect you are coming across as v. patronizing. Yes we are so spoilt in this country that charities like Shelter and Crisis at Christmas are obviously just a figment of our imaginations.
I guess these charities just arent as "trendy" though.

IneedAChristmasNickname · 23/12/2011 00:33

If I understood it correctly Rosemary then yes, although they don't send us anything, I got it at the time of purchase. I guess the difference between me and OP is I bought the goat for my children, having already discussed the idea with them. They liked it.

MayaAngelsFromTheRealmsOfCool · 23/12/2011 00:42

Carer, would you have preferred me to list the names of all the posters who agree with the OP and say 'you are all spoilt little brats'? Really, now. Hmm

StealthPolarBear · 23/12/2011 00:50

Maya, as I've said I'd have no problems with the FIL deciding to get the DCs nothing, for whatever reason. I just think it's a bit rich to present his charity donation as a gift to them, for which they are to be grateful, even though they are not old enough to get it. I think giving this as a present to an older child would be fantastic and educational.

MayaAngelsFromTheRealmsOfCool · 23/12/2011 00:54

Stealth, I'd be very surprised if the 4yo didn't get it on some levels - I explained such things to my DS at that age and he clearly did understand it. So if the 4 yo understands such matters to any extent, it wouldn't be fair for the FIL to buy a goat for the 4yo and a whacking great Iggle Piggle for the tot, would it? Grin

IMO the problem here is the way in which it has been done, not the fact that it has been done. And I think the OP is BVU for being angry about it.

startail · 23/12/2011 01:07

YANBU
Small children won't understand at all.
My DF asked for oxfam gifts as wedding presents as they had been together 20 years, were not setting up house and she'd spent time as a volunteer in one of their shops. This makes sense for a 2 and 4 year old it's a load of smug and rude, since it implies they are spoilt, nonsense!

RomanChristingle · 23/12/2011 01:16

But again Maya that is thoughtless. Getting something for the 4 yo then just getting the 2 yo 'the same'.
Taking the charity out of the equation would you buy something for an adult they had little interest in/understanding of because YOU liked it?

NotnOtter · 23/12/2011 01:20

yanbu
sorry but your fil has managed to annoy the pants off me tonight
sod his gift - quickley dispense with it and sign him up with the nspcc for a monthly donation !
pious springs to mind

MayaAngelsFromTheRealmsOfCool · 23/12/2011 01:25

Roman, I said the way that it has been done is problematic - i.e. not giving any sort of contextual explanation to the children first.

I'm afraid your question about gifts for an adult is irrelevant to this specific issue: I would not give a gift to an adult with the intention of teaching them something about life. Nor to a friend's children. But to my children or my grandchildren? Why not? Parents and grandparents are expected to teach the children in their care, aren't they?

Clearly the OP's FIL thinks the children have far too many possessions and need some non-materialistic balance in their lives. If the OP finds that insulting it would be more thoughtful to give that question due consideration rather than simply getting angry - that's a defensive response which achieves absolutely nothing. The FIL may have done it in a slightly cack-handed way but is it really worth getting "angry" about? I don't think so.

MayaAngelsFromTheRealmsOfCool · 23/12/2011 01:27

Arf at Otter! Grin And yes, the grandfather really should have asked for no presents or no bought presents for himself. Again a cack-handed way of handling things. Tsk.

blackeyedsanta · 23/12/2011 01:52

TROLL! thats it! As he is so fond of goats, get him one of those ugly troll dolls with bright green hair.

Yanbu, a goat for the children is not a present for them. it is a present for someone else. dd would be so disapointed that it wasn't a real life goat that she would howl, loudly. your 2 yr old may not notice, but your 4 year old may.

it would have been better to get them something cheap for them to unwrap and donate to charity rather than pretend that this is a gift for the children.

Spermysextowel · 23/12/2011 02:45

Your 4 year old is clearly lacking. Any pre-schooler would be happy to have a goat for Xmas. That would be those who aren't already hearting Jasper.

lardedah · 23/12/2011 04:32

Wow. I am reading this thread in disbelief! I'm all for charity, I have direct debits set up for three. Have been discussing with my husband about trying to teach our children about less fortunate people this Christmas so we plan to go out on Saturday with some gifts for (some of) the the homeless people in our city. Not much, I know, but all we can afford. It's not like we've bought shed loads for our kids - we haven't! But yes, of course we have bought presents from us, and Santa. They're just children!!

We've been making up boxes with some essentials, some treats, and a few pound coins and we'll give them out on Saturday. And if I'm honest I feel like shite that we will be opening our presents and eating our xmas dinner when less fortunate people aren't able to enjoy it. I'm sure all of you pious posters will be going hungry on Sunday, since there are people much worse off than you out there??

Seriously, it's one thing to be charitable and give such gifts, but it's quite another to give gifts on behalf of someone else (esp. the children in the OP) but not mention it till the last minute, yet expect a gift in return. And I expect that the FIL WILL expect a gift in return! (actually OP would be awesome if you could post an update after xmas just so all can see his reaction to getting a gift and not a charitable donation on his behalf ;) )

OriginalJamie · 23/12/2011 04:41

YANBU,

BUT, I would agree with WorkingitOut - try and see it as hamfisted rather than deliberate.

I think that if he doesn't get them something else on the day, their reaction to the present will be enough to tell them he mis-judged this

mathanxiety · 23/12/2011 05:17

YANBU. As many others have said and for all the reasons pointed out. Tis sanctimonious.

Whatever you have got for him, bring it back and send a small cheque to the cats' and dogs' home on his behalf. Give him the certificate or a photocopy of the cheque when he arrives. Beam at him.

OTOH, depending on the ages of the DCs, this may not faze them all that much. They may well be tickled pink at the thought of a goat with their name on it off somewhere eating clothes off the clothesline and bushes of some poor family living in some misbegotten corner of the back of beyond.

OP, I don't think this will ruin their Christmas unless you let it cloud yours. You and your DH may not be rolling in dough and your DH may well have MS, there may not be cousins or much of an extended family to share your lives and your DCs' childhoods with, or much of a feeling that the family appreciates them, but your DCs' childhoods and memories of family can be better than yours if you just keep on doing what you're doing -- the National Trust thing, the toys and most importantly the time with them and just muddling through it in sickness and in health, for better and for worse together with the best humour you can summon up.

empirestateofmind · 23/12/2011 06:28

Another one who would like an update after Christmas here.

I don't think a goat is an appropriate present for a child, unless it has been requested by the child or parents. At the very least it should be discussed with the parents of small children beforehand.

As you say OP it would feel like a criticism. Not nice. Especially when you are hosting FIL at Christmas.

He should have asked for his present to be a goat. This way he gets his present and to feel sanctimonious. Yuk.

Mutt · 23/12/2011 06:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nicknamenotinuse · 23/12/2011 07:04

I think they are nice presents. At least he has thought about it. Plenty of people (my mother included) just write my children (all under 5) a cheque for £10 which involves no thought at all.

breatheslowly · 23/12/2011 08:02

I'd definitely take his present back and donate to charity instead.

cantgetfestivelylaidingermany · 23/12/2011 08:53

YANBU, the DC are too young to understand what it means. Notice how he didn't ask for the same for himself and expects a gift on christmas day...not practising what he preaches.

And it does seem judgy to me, it's not up to your FIL to say how many toys your dc should have....but he's happy to be at your house stuffing his face with beef and demanding horseradish sauce, with no contribution towards the cost. Sounds like a right PITA to me.

Moominsarescary · 23/12/2011 09:03

Yanbu give the gift you have bought him to a homeless shelter, and if he is comming for Christmas dinner invite a homeless person round and give them his share