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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that fil has got the dc Oxfam goats for Christmas?

316 replies

lecce · 22/12/2011 19:46

I'm not sure exactly why but this has seriously pissed me off. The dc are 2 and 4 and these 'gifts' arrived today in the post, though fil will be spending Christmas day with us.

We are not hugely well-off and I suppose I feel that if he thinks the dc don't need yet more toys (they are by no means spolit, but I often get the sense form all the in-laws that they think our dc have too much - odd little comments like, "My goodness, those can't all be your toys surely," etc etc) he could have got clothes, paid for a day out or put money in their savings account etc. I know it probably doesn't show me in a very positive light, but I don't think our dc are so ridiculously priviliged that they need to be taught this lesson. Of course they are well-fed, clothed and have plenty of toys (some of their clothing and toys are second-hand, though admittedly only because there are brands I like that I can't afford new) but we can't afford holidays other than UK camping, expensive days out more than a couple of times a year and some of their Christmas presents are from Ebay. When I think about the future and the dc going to university I feel a bit panicky. Dh also has MS so our future is perhaps a little more uncertain than others'.

Of course we are hugely better off than the people Oxfam help but so is fil and he has not informed us that this is what he is doing and told us to get him a simialr gift has he? No, he will recieve a gift for himself on Christmas day. This is the main part that annoys me. Why does he get to decide that others have too much, while receiving more for himself?

For the record, I try to make the dc aware of others less fortunate than themselves and we often donate old itemss to charity and talk about the children who might be receiving them. However, I feel they are too young to have to worry about this too much and I don't want to make them feel guilty about what they have. In any case, I don't feel it is up to fil to dictate the way in which we appraoch the moral education of our dc.

I am so annoyed - AIBU?

OP posts:
RomanChristingle · 22/12/2011 23:21

Lurker maybe the other side of your family is happy in their plastic tat paradise. I think they should give you some money and insist you buy your kids some pink plastic crap Grin
I love your list of worthy things. Especially as we have most of them - loads of books, zoo membership, swimming lessons, 'which' approved carseat (best buy no less!), Clarks shoes (I assume that's OK?). Tumbletots imo is overpriced gash but I think we check all the other boxes. Oh and we also have mountains of (well loved) plastic crap.
I'm not sure what you mean about the 'big boy bed' though? Do your relatives make their kids sleep in cots until adulthood?

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 22/12/2011 23:25

But but but....most of what you are angry about is in your head. You think he is preaching to you...that he is judging you...but this is just your belief. You have offered no proof of this. Just because you feel it doesn't make it so, so don't let your internal narrative make this situation so painful.

He might just have been trying to do a nice thing, and been a bit hamfisted about it, and he even might be complimenting you by his assumption that you are nice charitable people who would appreciate this gift. I can't believe he is deliberately trying to make you unhappy on Christmas Day when he is sharing it with you.

hiddenhome · 22/12/2011 23:28

No we are not idiots who have filled our home with plastic while failing to clothe/stimulate/eduacate our children and are not therefore in need of a wealthy and patronising relative to come along and show us the error of our ways.

Then, why the heck are you coming on here saying you're angry with your FIL's choice of present?!!!

Leave the poor man alone and get off your high horse! Your dcs don't need his present, just leave him to be happy in his choice of gift.

RomanChristingle · 22/12/2011 23:30

And there was me thinking that a gift should primarily be for the benefit oof the recipient! I've been doing it all wrong.

StealthPolarBear · 22/12/2011 23:30

So he's given some money to charity. And is not going to mention it to the children. So it's not really a gift for them is it?

StealthPolarBear · 22/12/2011 23:32

I've bought my FIL a new tumble drier. It has come in really useful and will hopefully give me many more years of service. I'm not going to tell him that's what I've done.

lurkerspeaks · 22/12/2011 23:33

I think the mums net norm is not my relatives norm. Going there is like entering another parenting universe. I'm much less anti-plastic tat than I used to be (mostly because I've been forced to be) but I still think there are limits on how much plastic tat you should put up with...

My relatives are happy but I worry that they are limiting their children's outlook / development by not providing certain experiences. What is normal for them and their friends is very, very different from the parenting/child rearing experiences where I live (we all live in the UK). I'm not quite sure why this is the case. Some of it is financial. But not all of it to my external eye is.

Basically, however, my parenting neuroses extend to their children. I know this makes me sounds like a loon but I am genuinely concerned for the children (not in a SS way, just in a 'oh my god they've never been to a museum' way). I do worry if a lack of early exposure to such experiences will limit their options later.

It is ridiculous to worry that a lack of swimming lessons / zoo trips aged 4 will correlate to a failure to consider university aged 18 but that is essentially what is at the back of my mind.

Anyway, we have digressed somewhat from the OP. The more I hear about her family (and it sounds like loads I know). I wonder if there has been a communication glitch somewhere and FIL is opting out of toys (as he feels ? erroneously that they have lots) but hasn't considered alternative non toy gifts.

hiddenhome · 22/12/2011 23:33

No, it's not a gift, but the dcs have enough and he's obviously living in his own anticapitalist, anticonsumerist world, but at least he's visiting you over Christmas and for that you should be happy. Honestly, when you read about some of the nasty relatives people post about and you're complaining about this tiny, petty, trivial thing it just doesn't make any sense.

Buy your dcs a bag of sweets and say they're from FIL when he's gone home. Do whatever it takes, but get a proper perspective on this non problem.

RomanChristingle · 22/12/2011 23:34

I've been putting quids in charity boxes all year. I needn't have got the kids anything

blondechristmas · 22/12/2011 23:38

Yanbu. Even though I think the goats and charity presents are great, they need to be in context. As a child, my mother's boyfriend once gave each of us membership to Amnesty International instead of a gift, saying we had too much. To this day I feel an involuntary flinch at the mention of AI, despite supporting all their aims and morals. It felt like such a criticism and a gift designed only to induce guilt and take away pleasure we may have felt in other gifts.

The same bf also informed my little brother one Christmas eve that he was being stupid and childish for leaving out a mince pie for FC as he didn't exist. I get the impression your FIL is exactly that kind of enjoyment-vampire.

RosemaryandThyme · 22/12/2011 23:41

Does anyone really believe the money goes to buy an actual goat ????

Am sure it just goes in one big pot.

The photos and thank-you cards from the goat will just be made-up.

RomanChristingle · 22/12/2011 23:41

hidden the fact that there are gp's mentioned on here who are actually abusive doesn't mean that the op isn't allowed to be slightly mystified at her fils choice of 'gift' for her children.
It's not like she's said she's cutting him out of her life or anything!

StealthPolarBear · 22/12/2011 23:43

hiddenhome, I completely agree with your last post. If the OP had said "FIL hasn't got the DC a gift, AIBU to be annoyed?" I'd say yes. But he has got them a non-gift and said it is their gift. Which is not giving a gift, it's is allocating money you would have spent on gifts on other things, and then not telling the recipient. To then tell the recipient's mother specifically that that is what you have done and still classifying it as a gift seems like a slap in the face. I was going to buy you a present but then I saw a homeless man who needed the money more - fine. I saw a homeless man who needed money and gave him £10 as your DCs' present and (presumably) expecting gratitude - not fine.

RomanChristingle · 22/12/2011 23:43

Rosemary we bought mil one this year from either TheGoodGiftCatalogue or Oxfam can't remember now and you have the option to tick a box saying that you consent to the money being spend where it is most needed. If you don't tick I think they do have to spend it on what they advertised.

StealthPolarBear · 22/12/2011 23:45

well R&T I am sure even the 4yo doesn't quite believe the goat writes the letters :o Although maybe he does the hoofprints

lisaro · 22/12/2011 23:48

Tell him you've sent his Christmas dinner to the local soup kitchen!

StealthPolarBear · 22/12/2011 23:49

and get him a barbie!

NoOnesGoingToEatYourMincePies · 22/12/2011 23:55

I have no idea how I would explain "Granddad gave someone else a goat and pretended it was from you" to my two year old DS.

But on the bright side of that, I wouldn't have to, because he doesn't quite grasp the idea of anyone giving him anything yet. He knows he gets presents and he knows he likes presents, but he wouldn't particularly notice if one person didn't give him one.

Your four year old will probably be a bit more aware that granddad 'hasn't given them anything' and you will need to explain the goat, so the Goat Scrapbook idea is a good one.

Only you really know if there is more too it and he is making the point that he feels they have too many toys or are spoilt etc.

It's an odd choice of gift for such young children, but I don't think I'd be angry about it if someone did it in DS's name. Surprised yes, but not angry. But then, I've been eying up a living wicker igloo for DS and I asked DH for a rowan tree and a Dymo Label Maker for Christmas, so odd presents are not exactly unheard of in our house.

ThoseClementineShoes · 22/12/2011 23:58

I think the Oxfam goats do come with a little toy goat as standard don't they? The children can enjoy these. They probably won't remember long term.

You can have a bit of discussion with the 4 year old - love the various ideas here - and will a 2 year old really be asking what FIL has got him?

Plus you are sorted for many future gifts for FIL.

The real issue here seems to be whether or not this was a slight. I don't know. It could have been, or it could quite easily not have been.

I can sort of see why you might be a little put out but YABU to be angry I think.

Hope you have a lovely Christmas!

RosemaryandThyme · 22/12/2011 23:59

No that can't be right - how would they match say £50 from Rosemary in Hampshire to Gerti Goat going to Mrs Lucky in Timbucktoo ?
Surely there can't be a person employed to buy individual animals for different people - might just be being a bit dim but can't get my head round how this works at all.

hiddenhome · 23/12/2011 00:01

Honestly, it wouldn't bother me if someone did that with the dcs gift money. I see it was my responsibility to provide whatever they need and make sure they have some nice presents for Christmas. If I had a relative who did the goats thing we'd all just laugh and take it in the spirit of Christmas.

StealthPolarBear · 23/12/2011 00:02

I'm guessing there's a goat budget.
Or should that be buuuh-dget?

hiddenhome · 23/12/2011 00:04

ds1's father sent him a pair of socks for his 13th birthday. How shite is that?

RosemaryandThyme the money doesn't go to buy an actual goat, it just goes into the pot and the goat is representative of the gift. This was raised on You & Yours last year.

IneedAChristmasNickname · 23/12/2011 00:07

We didn't get a toy goat with our Oxfam one, just a card explaing how the 'system' works, with a picture of a family with their goat. I have however, bought the DC a toy goat each, and am stealing the idea from pg1 about getting goats milk and cheese for them to taste!

carernotasaint · 23/12/2011 00:16

Looking at the bigger picture here OP both your DH and his sister have MS yes? (my husbands late aunt had it) MS is a progressive illness so if your FIL wanted to give a gift that wasnt "plastic tat" (as others on here have so eloquently put it) why not money for the childrens savings accounts for things like uni if that is an eventuality. I can completely understand the OP being worried about finances because MS is a progressive illness and there may come a time when the OPs DH is no longer able to work.
Sickness benefits arent as easy to get as the Daily Mail would have you believe. (see frothers threads on the Politics board) sorry but i think the FIL in this case has more to worry about closer to home!