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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry that fil has got the dc Oxfam goats for Christmas?

316 replies

lecce · 22/12/2011 19:46

I'm not sure exactly why but this has seriously pissed me off. The dc are 2 and 4 and these 'gifts' arrived today in the post, though fil will be spending Christmas day with us.

We are not hugely well-off and I suppose I feel that if he thinks the dc don't need yet more toys (they are by no means spolit, but I often get the sense form all the in-laws that they think our dc have too much - odd little comments like, "My goodness, those can't all be your toys surely," etc etc) he could have got clothes, paid for a day out or put money in their savings account etc. I know it probably doesn't show me in a very positive light, but I don't think our dc are so ridiculously priviliged that they need to be taught this lesson. Of course they are well-fed, clothed and have plenty of toys (some of their clothing and toys are second-hand, though admittedly only because there are brands I like that I can't afford new) but we can't afford holidays other than UK camping, expensive days out more than a couple of times a year and some of their Christmas presents are from Ebay. When I think about the future and the dc going to university I feel a bit panicky. Dh also has MS so our future is perhaps a little more uncertain than others'.

Of course we are hugely better off than the people Oxfam help but so is fil and he has not informed us that this is what he is doing and told us to get him a simialr gift has he? No, he will recieve a gift for himself on Christmas day. This is the main part that annoys me. Why does he get to decide that others have too much, while receiving more for himself?

For the record, I try to make the dc aware of others less fortunate than themselves and we often donate old itemss to charity and talk about the children who might be receiving them. However, I feel they are too young to have to worry about this too much and I don't want to make them feel guilty about what they have. In any case, I don't feel it is up to fil to dictate the way in which we appraoch the moral education of our dc.

I am so annoyed - AIBU?

OP posts:
Clossaintjacques · 23/12/2011 12:54

Have you done anything for any charity recently? If so, you should call him and say it's such a shame that the choice of charity was his rather than the choice of the family the gifts were for?

A sensible charity gift would be to give the receiver a cheque and ask them to choose the charity as it's their gift not the givers surely.

lisianthus · 23/12/2011 13:15

YANBU. I'd be tempted to not give him his present, but to say that you were inspired by his charity idea, and so, as charity begins at home, for your present to him, you have deposited £X in a savings account to put aside for university fees for his GCs. You can then smile and say how great HIS idea was, because knowing the stress and worry you are going through about finances, he will realise that this will alleviate it a little.

A few posters have mentioned approvingly that the FIL is coming from a "non-materialistic" viewpoint. He isn't. He will be happily sitting back on Christmas Day enjoying the lovely box of chocolates or whatever present the OP has bought him- despite being a lot better off than the OP, he hasn't said "I have lots of material things, why don't you give ME a goat?". No, he has instead chosen to say this many times about a family with an ill father who all have a lot less than he does. The OP has stated that she will be taking the high ground and he will still be getting his present, as she doesn't want to spoil Christmas. (sounds like he is demanding in ways other than wanting the OP to serve his favourite foods!)

And he will also be happily filling himself up with a lovely Christmas lunch at the OP's family's expense, having directed the OP to recipes, required that she buys the condiments that he likes and so on. Yes, it's very easy to be "non-materialistic" at the expense of other people.

charitygirl · 23/12/2011 14:11

No way on earth the two year old wil 'get' the goat. Equally, they won't get that their GF didn't buy them a present.

So what leaves me baffled is that there is nothing he would like then to have, to see them okay with, to make them laugh. Not much of a GF I'd say.

All told, he sounds a miserable old prick. YANBU.

charitygirl · 23/12/2011 14:14

'okay' = 'play'

kelly2000 · 23/12/2011 14:44

These gifts should only be given with agreement from the receivers too. Otehrwise it is not really agift to anyone but yourself. You give the gift, then sit there and bask in how good a person you are, whilst the receiver gets nothing, not even the choice of charity. And they might not even support the said charity. If you want something to go to charity, then ask people to give you charity gifts rather than the other way around. Otherwise you are both sanctamonious and greedy.
As for FIl,
I would not give him a gift, but make a homemade voucher saying you have donated x to the local shelter. Or alternatively why not get the children to make him a homemade gift. You could always call him, and tell him you do nto support oxfam (i think quite a few people have issues with their high overheads -aand remember this is not really a goat but a donation of money to oxfam, they can use it for what they want) so would rather the donation was not given in DCs name, and he can choose another chairty.

But if it is OK to donate to the charity in DCs name, why would it spoil christmas to do the same in his honour. I think a pile of manure donated to a farm in africa would suit him down to the ground. Also cook what you want on Christmas day, if he does not like it he can go elsewhere.

deliciousdevilwoman · 23/12/2011 15:12

Lecce-I concur with all you have said in your last post. The goat thing would definitely get my goat (geddit!) but on a wider level, the overall criticism and snarky comments about your DC being spoilt and by implication, your values as parents, would make me far angrier, and I would have to pull him up aka "appropriately challenge" his assumptions. WTF should anyone sit in your house, accepting your hospitality and make such comments about what your children have. Just get through the day, resist the urge to "bite" if he makes any PA comments re the goat, BUT......mark his card if there is more of the same.

ariadneoliver · 23/12/2011 16:15

Nothing to add that hasn't been said already, but I thought this might interest some:
www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/nathalie-rothschild/from-the-gift-of-dung-to-_b_1167345.html

carernotasaint · 23/12/2011 16:15

OP your children have plenty of time to be emotionally blackmailed when they are older and people representing charities accost them in the street. It is far too early to start this at 2 and 4 years old. Like i said before because your Dh has a progressive illness you are NOT being unreasonable to be worried about the future. I can not believe some of the posters on this thread. One even said that you were worrying about the future unnecessarily as it was so far away. See the problem here OP is that some people think that disability and illness are things which only happen to other people.

JosieZ · 23/12/2011 16:24

Miserable old git.

Give him the giblets at Xmas dinner 'just like the poor people he loves to help'.

mathanxiety · 23/12/2011 16:24

I would certainly not stand for any barbed comments about the children being spoiled in my own house on Christmas Day. I would be tempted to stare very stonily at whoever made them and ask them to repeat themselves as surely they didn't just say X or Y or Z...

LalasMama · 23/12/2011 16:32

This thread reminds me of the time my sister presented me with a certificate from oxfam congratulating me on my sponsorship for an alpaca. It said my alpaca was called Otis and would be benefiting a family in Africa and that to complete my sponsorship I would have to take the certificate into my local oxfam and sign for the alpaca. Needless to say, when i did go to oxfam, they didn't have a clue what I was talking about when I said I wanted to complete my sponsorship for otis the alpaca. My sister had tricked me. Think that was the one moment in my life where I actually wanted to die

JosieZ · 23/12/2011 16:34

Thinking about it, maybe he feels you will need some support from him in the future and this allows him to adopt a superior attitude, making him a bit arrogant.

Maybe if you treat him with a nonchalant manner -- You couldn't care whether he gave monkeys to the DCs, in fact you couldn't care if he turned up at all and whether he gives his money to the dogs home.

Then he might realise that he actually needs you all too and that being thoughtful and appreciative might be a wiser way for him to act.

Schnarkle · 23/12/2011 17:06

I hate these giving a goat for Christmas gifts. If a person wants to give to charity fine. To wrap it up in a "look how giving and wonderful I am by giving to a charity on your behalf"

By all means buy the goats for Christmas, but keep them as your gift to yourself. I'm not a mean miserable person by any stretch of the imagination I have charities that I contribute to. If I was presented with one of these gifts while all round me got to unwrap something, I'd be Xmas Sad . OP YANBU.

KatieScarlettsCrackers · 23/12/2011 17:19

DH aunt did this last year

The DC's said thanks and promptly forgot all about it

End of story

However, they are considerably older than 2 & 4, so IMO it is a shite gift.

thepeoplesprincess · 23/12/2011 17:35

YANBU in the slightest, and you don't sound grabby to me at all.

I actually think buying a charity goat instead of a present to make some stupid statement is actually a pretty fucking spiteful thing to do to a two-year-old.

thepeoplesprincess · 23/12/2011 17:36

I actually actually actually do.

hackmum · 23/12/2011 17:39

YANBU. I think the "goat" type present is fine for older people and if everyone's agreed to it but otherwise it's a bit mean-spirited and a way of showing off, isn't it? Because it's not a present for them that they can play with, it's a charitable donation, and your FiL could always make one of those in addition to buying a nice present for his GCs, couldn't he? He is probably trying to make the point that your DCs are spoilt and overindulged, which isn't nice.

miaowmix · 23/12/2011 17:43

I haven't read whole thread but that really is an utterly shit present for a 2 and 4 year old. I'd be livid.

mrsjay · 23/12/2011 17:43

YABU your children have loads of toys you said so yourself i know its pissing you off they dont have a physical gift to open but hey ho its a goat your children wont be scarred for life because they didnt get a present , and if your fil is coming christmas day then he may have a small wrapped parcel for them , maybe the gift came direct from oxfam iyswim and he didnt post it ,

arabicabean · 23/12/2011 17:51

I would think it quite fun if my father gave my 3 year old a goat (so would he, he loves animals). We would do a 'goat' project and it would be a great opportunity to learn about other people and their communities. I will suggest it for next year!
My 3 year old would not miss a present at christmas (he gets so many things throughout the year).

miaowmix · 23/12/2011 18:03

Btw Op you don't sound remotely grabby, I can't believe anybody thinks it's odd to expect grandparents to huy their grandchildren Christmas presents; why on earth wouldn't you? I would be v disappointed on my dd's behalf (not mine) if her GPs opted outof the whole present thing. It's mean.

BerthaTheBogBurglar · 23/12/2011 18:56

If he makes snide remarks about your children and their toys on Christmas Day, put your best teacher voice on and tell him he is being rude.

Still, the plus side of this is you never have to put any effort into buying him a present ever again. £5 of shit every time ...

(and please sing Lonely GoatHerd to him, please ... or put it on the tv)

exoticfruits · 23/12/2011 19:01

People seem to have high expectations-just make the goat fun, instead of getting upset.

KeepInMindItsAlmostChristmas · 23/12/2011 19:02

Does your FIL know that these "gifts" cause more problems then they solve

aldiwhore · 23/12/2011 19:04

Charity presents should be requested not given. Its the difference between asking people to donate on your behalf and have a donation enforced upon you. The latter is bloody rude, preachy and basically the actions of a self important twat.