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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it is weird that the PIL are going out xmas eve just as we are arriving?

371 replies

choceyes · 20/12/2011 11:09

Going down to my in-laws on christmas eve. It is a 5 hour journey, so they live quite far away so don't see the kids much (maybe 5/6 times a year). We are going by train with two DCs, 3yrs and 16 months. Will probably be tired by the time we get there. Would have been nice if the in-laws were there to entertain and put at least DS to bed.
Now we don't mind putting them to bed etc, but I'm finding it strange that every year (we have been every year since DS was born, so this is the 4th year), we get there on christmas eve and they go out that evening to see friends.

They really want the kids there (they say) and get upset if it is suggested we don't come down, so I dunno..I find it a bit strange.

We are arriving at about 5pm, and apprently they can't meet us at the train station, which is nearly half an hour walk away, as they will be out already. Can't get a taxi as no car seats with us and there are no black cabs there either ( a small town).

I know they have their own lives and I don't care if they are there or not really as I don't particuarly get on well with them, and I can just crash outon the sofa and watch a film/read a book without having to make small talk.

I just find it a bit strange....AIBU? (totaly prepared to be told I am)

OP posts:
CailinDana · 20/12/2011 12:14

OP I don't think you have anything to complain about. You and your DH are forcing yourselves to do something you clearly don't want to do. I'm not sure being around such horrible people is going to do your DCs any good, but you seem to think it's good for them so either you suck it up and get on with it or you grow a spine and stop being walked all over by them.

Original poster
choceyes · 20/12/2011 12:15

MrSpoc - how do you get that impression. Surely avoiding a traumatic journey for my DD does't make me a martyr does it? It won't be much fun for us either.

Actually the journey would be at least 5 hours by car (not taking into account the xmas eve rush), but about 4 hours by train. And cheaper by train. And less stressful for everybody. Surely it is a no brainer?

OP posts:
RealLifeIsForWimps · 20/12/2011 12:16

You don't need car seats in a taxi (even a mini cab) as it's an occasional journey or something. Anyway, they're legally exempt.

Lougle · 20/12/2011 12:18

Being legally exempt doesn't make it safe Hmm

MrSpoc · 20/12/2011 12:19

I can see why your PIL was a bit put out by this
DS was 13 months old, he wasnt' well, had the flu on christmas day. We sat down to christmas lunch and I could see that he was tired unwell and sleepy. So I got up and got him into the pram and went for a walk outside to get him to sleep

So what he was a little tired, either carry on with the meal or lay him down on the sofa for a snoose. Why the need to interrupt the meal by going for a 15 minute walk with your child. Yet you were supprised that everyone carried on eating and left you too it.

Stop being a Mytr.

Original poster
choceyes · 20/12/2011 12:19

Well yes now I am starting to think why the f*ck we are going down.

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 20/12/2011 12:20

Op its only a traumatic (please stop being over dramatic) journy because you pussy foot around your kids every whim.

ViviPrudolf · 20/12/2011 12:20

I think everyone is unnecessarily getting their knickers in a twist over the logistics of the journey when the crux of the issue is why is the OP prepared to martyr herself in the pursuit of a contrived family Christmas fantasy.

I think you're acting with others' best interests at heart, OP, but in a somewhat misguided way.

ViviPrudolf · 20/12/2011 12:21

"Well yes now I am starting to think why the f*ck we are going down."

Arf Grin. Love it, OP, that's the beauty of AIBU!

Original poster
choceyes · 20/12/2011 12:21

I wouldn't have been able to relax and enjoy my dinner whilst DS was clearly unwell and unsettled. I thought I was doing the best by everybody by getting him to sleep so everybody could enjoy their lunch and not have to tend to an unwell stroppy baby.

OP posts:
LEttletownofBOFlehem · 20/12/2011 12:23

You sound like a "Yes, BUT" type, and your PILs sound like the "So what?" type. Not a good mix. I wouldn't bother going to theirs at Christmas.

callmemrs · 20/12/2011 12:23

You need to confront the car issue. Having a holiday in France completely ruined by a child who screams simply because of being in a car is awful. It sounds like you have built all your arrangements around one child who seems exceptionally challenging about being in a car. It's not just Xmas is it? It's clearly any car journey and has already in your own words ruined a holiday! Personally I would bite the bullet and deal with this first and foremost. I could not live with this situation - juggling all journeys around one child's naps etc .

Whether you go to the inlaws is a separate issue really- you don't sound overly keen so why not stay home instead. But no way would I just accept a situation where so much of your routine is dictated by one child

RealLifeIsForWimps · 20/12/2011 12:24

Lougle How do you think the many people who don't have a car, and who have to get taxis all the time manage? They don't all trail a massive car seat around Tesco with them. It's not ideal, but it's a one off, very short journey.

MrSpoc · 20/12/2011 12:25

So why not just put him down on the sofa, why the need to go for a walk for 15 minutes.

Honestly, i think your son would of just been fine to be left at the table while you caried on. (by the way you described it). Obviousy I was not there, so i do not know how bad he actually was. My assumption is purly on how you have come across and decsribed how much you sacrifice yourself for the sake of the kids.

Original poster
choceyes · 20/12/2011 12:25

I'm the better judge of whether something is traumatic for my DD or not MrSpoc. How do you know whether I'm being dramatic or not?

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 20/12/2011 12:27

very well put callmemrs. You are far more tactful than I. Grin

MrSpoc · 20/12/2011 12:28

Oh come on. Traumatic journey? You are over dramatic.

tethersjinglebellend · 20/12/2011 12:28

choceyes, on AIBU there will always be a 'YABU' angle, no matter how tenuous.

I think some people are trying exceptionally hard to make a YABU stick, when, clearly, YANBU at all.

Don't go. Enjoy Christmas Smile

BranIsLonelyThisChristmas · 20/12/2011 12:29

TBH I wouldn't stop everyone from eating just because one person had left the table. And they didn't know how long you would be gone, perhaps they thought they would catch you up and walk with you. If you were only gone for 15 mins and they finished eating in this time then you must have been halfway through the dessert, or the cheese course, so it's not as though you had to eat the entire meal on your own. Why didn't your DH stay to keep you company.

With the train thing, I would be very miffed about having to walk half an hour after a 5 hour journey in uncertain weather with DC and luggage in tow. I really think that one of them could hold off drinking until 5pm and at least pop out to the train station to pick you up and then go back to the party. It's the very least that I would do if someone was coming to stay with me. Alternatively ask them to book a taxi to go to them to pick up the car seats and then go to the train station to meet you.

Or, passive aggressive option of my preference, tell them that if the weather forecast is bad for Christmas eve you will stay at home for Christmas rather than have to walk through rain or snow. You will let them know on the day whether you are coming or not. Then, if they want you to come, they will find a way to pick you up.

Original poster
choceyes · 20/12/2011 12:31

"You need to confront the car issue. Having a holiday in France completely ruined by a child who screams simply because of being in a car is awful. It sounds like you have built all your arrangements around one child who seems exceptionally challenging about being in a car. It's not just Xmas is it? It's clearly any car journey and has already in your own words ruined a holiday! Personally I would bite the bullet and deal with this first and foremost. I could not live with this situation - juggling all journeys around one child's naps etc . "

Honestly this is a non issue. We hardly have a need for a car. We are not going to rural places again for a holiday. Neither me or DH enjoyed it. So won't be happening again anyway. I'm guessing she will tolerate cars better when she is a bit older anyway. When she is in a forward facing car seat and be able to entertain herself with a toy or a snack, it's just not goign to be an issue anymore. Our DS was like this, but now is fine with travelling in a car.
Travelling in a car is no some rite of passage that kids have to tolerate. If my DH had a phobia of cars or was massively car sick to the point of vomitting then would I put him through a long car journey - NO. I'd take an alternative mode of transport. Especially one that is quicker and cheaper.

OP posts:
SusanneLinder · 20/12/2011 12:32

OP-are you pregnant :)

Just asking cos maybe you could borrow a donkey to get you from the train station. It is Xmas after all :o

ViviPrudolf · 20/12/2011 12:32

OP. Here's the thing.

It would probably cause massive issues if you bowed out now (no matter how much we all want you to), the train tickets are booked, you WILL BE going on Christmas Eve. As BlackTea says, Bed and bath on your own followed by chilling out with your DH in his parents home... You'll have a bit of peace and quiet pre-xmas day. Look on the bright side, no need for small talk or gritting teeth through irritating PILisms after a long journey.

Take some time while you're there over Christmas to decide whether all this effort and inconvenience is really worth it. Is it the idyllic family occasion you want so much for your DCs? Or are you just doing what you perceive to be the right thing by everyone?

Take stock and make some decisions about Christmases going forward. Your DCs are still young, plenty of time to establish some lovely traditions chez Choc.

And... er... worry about your DDs "car issues" in the new year. If at all

Proudnscaryvirginmary · 20/12/2011 12:33

YANBU at all.

That said, my in laws are very laid back 'open house' types. There are no airs or graces, big welcomes or waiting to be asked if you want a drink etc. Everyone piles in. So if they went out Christmas eve we wouldn't be bothered in the slightest - dh and I always piss off to the pub and leave the kids with them after a couple of hours of arriving there!

BranIsLonelyThisChristmas · 20/12/2011 12:34

By the way, do you happen to know for how many years your DH's family when to your PIL's parent for Christmas after they had had DC? I feel that having children of your own is the time to start your own traditional Christmas in your own home if that's what you want. It won't be as boring or lonely as you thing and you can always invite PILs to come to you.

callmemrs · 20/12/2011 12:34

Chocaeyes - as it is all clearly so traumatic for your child to be in a car, it begs the question of why you spent a month in rural France just a few months ago where you were totally reliant on a car? You admitted just now to having to try to juggle journeys around your child's sleep times and that it ruined the time away. I am now starting to agree about the martyr aspect.

Either bite the bullet and deal with this extreme phobia which is dictating how your family lives . Or accept that you have a child who is traumatised by car travel and continue to allow it to rule all your arrangements. But it's a bit unreasonable to choose the latter and then complain that other people can't give you lifts from the station. Actually, as your child is traumatised by even a cab journey, it hardly makes sense to want the in laws to pick you up by car does it?! Or do you expect them to pick up one adult and child while the other adult walks with traumatised child? Tbh I expect your in laws find you a bit precious about all this!