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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it is weird that the PIL are going out xmas eve just as we are arriving?

371 replies

choceyes · 20/12/2011 11:09

Going down to my in-laws on christmas eve. It is a 5 hour journey, so they live quite far away so don't see the kids much (maybe 5/6 times a year). We are going by train with two DCs, 3yrs and 16 months. Will probably be tired by the time we get there. Would have been nice if the in-laws were there to entertain and put at least DS to bed.
Now we don't mind putting them to bed etc, but I'm finding it strange that every year (we have been every year since DS was born, so this is the 4th year), we get there on christmas eve and they go out that evening to see friends.

They really want the kids there (they say) and get upset if it is suggested we don't come down, so I dunno..I find it a bit strange.

We are arriving at about 5pm, and apprently they can't meet us at the train station, which is nearly half an hour walk away, as they will be out already. Can't get a taxi as no car seats with us and there are no black cabs there either ( a small town).

I know they have their own lives and I don't care if they are there or not really as I don't particuarly get on well with them, and I can just crash outon the sofa and watch a film/read a book without having to make small talk.

I just find it a bit strange....AIBU? (totaly prepared to be told I am)

OP posts:
HoneydragonAteCliffRichard · 20/12/2011 12:01

Fuck Christmas tradition...it's rude. Don't expect guests then. They might be blood but are still guests. Absolutely any other time of the year this would be greeted with WTAF they invited you or the weekend and are going to be out when you arrive? Don't think they think much of there grandchildren either actually expecting you all to walk to an empty house.

Given that the op and her oh may well be working till Friday Midday s a perfectly acceptable time to get a train after packing and organising two small children.

It's too late this year but next year tart your own traditions, stay at home and see if PiLs are prepared to drop everything to visit you?

CailinDana · 20/12/2011 12:01

Choceyes, I'm still curious to know whether your DH left you to eat dinner on your own the year your DS was ill?

DharmaLovesDracosbaubles · 20/12/2011 12:01

What does your DH say about it all?

I actually get timing the travel to make it easier for you to coincide with a nap time and if I've read it correctly the in-laws usually go out later?

Next year invite them to you?

ladyintheradiator · 20/12/2011 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StepfordWannabe · 20/12/2011 12:02

She is not a good traveller! Even cries in a black cab!

And yet you are still going on a five-hour train journey - why put yourself though that bother?

Your ILs have quite an idylllic Christmas sorted for themselves, and have stated their wishes quite clearly. Which they are quite entitled to do. As far as they know, everyone is happy.

However, you are equally entitled to state your wishes - you haven't. Your ILs may have no idea that these arrangements don't suit you or are stressful in the extreme (some people really are that self-absorbed) - tell them how you feel, not in an angry way, this is the first they'll know about it. If they refuse, THEN you are allowed to get huffy - otherwise, you're just being immature in not speaking up in the first place.

ladyintheradiator · 20/12/2011 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HoneydragonAteCliffRichard · 20/12/2011 12:04

iCod

Maybe I should get a car too as I don't have one

nope, still not pissing money

Grin
bemybebe · 20/12/2011 12:04

"Family, on the other hand, come in the door without knocking, stick the kettle on, help themselves to whats in the fridge, and generally just chill like it is their second home.Especially my grown up daughter,her DH and my grandson.Maybe that's how the inlaws look at it.Just a thought."

As SusanneLinder said. No problem with not being waited.
That said, if you have so much bitterness for spending time at ILs' (which may be very reasonable of course) why do you repeatedly go there? Put up or shut up and all that.

thepeoplesprincess · 20/12/2011 12:04

So you can't drive or travel earlier to suit your kids, but you are asking if it's unreasonable that your PILS aren't changing their plans to suit yours

But it's clearly the PILs that want them to be there for their own sake, and as such I think it's pretty rude to just fuck off out on the piss and leave them to walk to an empty house with two very young children.

If you insist on someone coming to your house is it not common sense to have the basic decency to at least be in to greet them?

Original poster
choceyes · 20/12/2011 12:04

Fecking Nora. Buy a car

why exactly? just to do this journey once a year?

Not going the day before this time because DH doesn't want to spend more than 3 day with his family.

OP posts:
blackteaplease · 20/12/2011 12:05

It's not that weird if they have a long standing arrangement with friends that you know about. A 30 minute walk will be ok if you take the pushchair.

It sounds like a lot of your frustrations could have been avoided by discussing your plans with your PILs before booking your train tickets.

How long are you staying for? Bed and bath on your own followed by chilling out with your DH in his parents home doesn't sound that bad to me. You'll have a bit of peace and quiet pre-xmas day, then the benefits of extended family on xmas day itself.

DharmaLovesDracosbaubles · 20/12/2011 12:06

oh and meant to say it is bloody rude to be going out, next time they come to you try it and see what reaction you get Xmas Grin

ViviPrudolf · 20/12/2011 12:06

But, Suzanne, nothing the OP has written suggest she has that kind of close familiar relationship with the PiLs. I don't think they're are being laid-back and informal. Sounds to me as though they are just suiting themselves with little consideration for others. Its the OP's lookout if she allows herself and her family to be treated like this. I don't.

blackteaplease · 20/12/2011 12:07

X-posts OP. If your DH doesn't want to be there either, I would suggest you stay at home next year, or if you have the space invite GPs to stay.

FluffyMummy123 · 20/12/2011 12:07

Hire one then. These car phobic kids sound bizarre

Original poster
choceyes · 20/12/2011 12:08

And yet you are still going on a five-hour train journey - why put yourself though that bother?

She is better on a train as then she can be walked around a bit and she does not have to stay in one seat.

yes my DH did leave me to eat dinner on my own. I had words with him about that.

My DH is used to his parents selfish ways, so it's not surpised him. That's why he wants to limit the stay to 3 days as he can't take anymore than that.

OP posts:
ladyintheradiator · 20/12/2011 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrSpoc · 20/12/2011 12:10

Is it just me or does the Op come across as sacrificing herself on the alter for her children?

It sounds like Op is wrapping the kids up in cotton wool.

It simple, you know they do it every year either do't go, go earlier or tell them to sat in.

SusanneLinder · 20/12/2011 12:11

So you can't drive or travel earlier to suit your kids, but you are asking if it's unreasonable that your PILS aren't changing their plans to suit yours.

Haha, that'll teach me to post in a hurry :o

No I meant that the OP isn't changing her daughters nap plans, and states that her DD screams in a car,so she isn't willing to compromiseon mode or time of travel, but she finds it weird that her Parents -in -Law aren't cancelling or postponing their plans to accommodate her.

Is that better :)

ImperialBlether · 20/12/2011 12:11

If my MIL was that rude, I'd be glad she wasn't there for the evening. Mind you, if she was that rude, I wouldn't be going at all.

ImperialBlether · 20/12/2011 12:11

Do they leave you plenty of food and a bottle of wine, at least?

SusanneLinder · 20/12/2011 12:12

MrSpoc-I agree and concur

ViviPrudolf · 20/12/2011 12:13

Good post, StepfordWannabe

THREE DAYS?! OP is this your idea of a nice Christmas?

You like the idea of this big family occasion, but at what price? What ladyintheradiator said. I'd sooner buy a bigger tree and enjoy it just the 4 of us.

HoneydragonAteCliffRichard · 20/12/2011 12:14

aaah having seen your last two posts op I agree with LadyintheRaditor.

If PiL have form ditch the deadwood. Your oh could always do one overnight visit and you could have Christmas at home.

ViviPrudolf · 20/12/2011 12:14

Good points, IB.