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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it is weird that the PIL are going out xmas eve just as we are arriving?

371 replies

choceyes · 20/12/2011 11:09

Going down to my in-laws on christmas eve. It is a 5 hour journey, so they live quite far away so don't see the kids much (maybe 5/6 times a year). We are going by train with two DCs, 3yrs and 16 months. Will probably be tired by the time we get there. Would have been nice if the in-laws were there to entertain and put at least DS to bed.
Now we don't mind putting them to bed etc, but I'm finding it strange that every year (we have been every year since DS was born, so this is the 4th year), we get there on christmas eve and they go out that evening to see friends.

They really want the kids there (they say) and get upset if it is suggested we don't come down, so I dunno..I find it a bit strange.

We are arriving at about 5pm, and apprently they can't meet us at the train station, which is nearly half an hour walk away, as they will be out already. Can't get a taxi as no car seats with us and there are no black cabs there either ( a small town).

I know they have their own lives and I don't care if they are there or not really as I don't particuarly get on well with them, and I can just crash outon the sofa and watch a film/read a book without having to make small talk.

I just find it a bit strange....AIBU? (totaly prepared to be told I am)

OP posts:
noonar · 20/12/2011 11:12

gosh no. not U at all. would you rather be in your own home? if so, in future i'd please yourselves and stay home. and i think its very rude not to be there to receive guests.

Chundle · 20/12/2011 11:13

Ok my parents live 5 hours away too and we only see them few tines a year but they are always there to meet us! No way would they go out if we had travelled all that distance! Yadnbu ! I wouldn't go. A long journey with yung kids you be better enjoying xmas eve and xmas at home this year

ShatnersBassoon · 20/12/2011 11:15

YANBU, they should have helped you make arrangements for your journey.

Have you asked them if there's anything they can do re collection from the railway station? They might not have considered just how difficult it will be for you.

Shinyshoes1 · 20/12/2011 11:17

If it were me I wouldn't bother going, they don't sound very welcoming and to be honest I'd find it bloody rude.

Stay at home in future , I would

thepeoplesprincess · 20/12/2011 11:17

I don't think they're being weird tbh. Sounds like they want everyone to do exactly what they want them to do so's they get the best possible Xmas.

I wouldn't bother going if I were you. I don't like people taking the wee out of me.

GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy · 20/12/2011 11:17

If this happens every year why do you still time your arrival for 5pm? They obviously like going out Christmas Eve which is no crime so why not get there earlier, spend a couple of hours with them and then they can go off?

marriedandwreathedinholly · 20/12/2011 11:18

They have long standing arrangements to see friends on christmas eve and it's probably a tradition thing. I don't see anything odd in that at all. You arrive on Christmas eve, ready for Christmas day, presumably your beds are made up and there's some supper waiting for you. Perhaps they would like you to arrive earlier in the day and have lunch with them before they go out.

I do find it a bit odd that they can't nip out from their engagement, or arrive there a bit later, to collect you from the station. OTH people of my mother's generation don't understand the thing about car seats. The only time I have ever argued with my MIL was when she thought she and pil could stay at ours the night before a family wedding and dh and I would drive us all the next day, on the M25, to our destination. Our car had 5 seats, there were 6 of us and she would not accept it was unacceptable for 4 year old dd to sit on her lap because she would hold her safely. Former Deputy Head of a primary school.

Could you not ask the PILs to contact the local taxi firm and check if the cars have children's seats in the boot - some do now.

We have often had visitors call to say they would like to stay and we have said yes, fine, arrive on that day but we already have arrangements that evening and I will have to leave something in the fridge for you but I'm so sorry we won't be there.

On the fence about this one, sorry.

NotJustForClassic · 20/12/2011 11:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShatnersBassoon · 20/12/2011 11:21

Oh, I didn't realise this was an annual problem. You should have anticipated this then, and changed your plans to avoid the inevitable problem of getting from the station to their house when they're not available to transport you on Christmas Eve.

Original poster
choceyes · 20/12/2011 11:21

We have already bought train tickets and I'd like the DCs to enjoy christmas at their grandparents, as I feel that it should be a big family occassion and feel a bit lonely with just the 4 of us at home on our own with our tiny christmas tree! I think when they are older, it might be better to stay at home though.

Last year we went down the day before christmas eve, so it wasn't that bad - I'd forgotten it wasn't christmas eve. so there were there actually. still went out on christmas eve, but they had been with us for a whole day by then, so it was OK.

I don't get why they have to leave that early to go over to their friends house. It's dinner and their friends live a few mins walk away. I'd have thought they could leave at about 8. This is what they have done in the past. Strange that they can't meet us at about 5.

OP posts:
FoxyRoxy · 20/12/2011 11:23

Maybe the op can't change the travel time as they're getting a train?

Op yanbu they are being rude and making you walk 1/2 hour with kids in the cold because they've got to be at their friend's gathering at a certain time is just out of order.

I wouldn't go.

HecateGoddessOfTwelfthNight · 20/12/2011 11:24

I really wouldn't go. They want you there for their convenience but they aren't willing to change any plans to actually meet you, so what's the point of you going down? In your shoes, I'd change the day. Tell them that since they have plans, you really don't see the point of going down there to sit in an empty house while they are with friends, so you will come only when they are free to see you.

Original poster
choceyes · 20/12/2011 11:24

Normally they go out later so that's why we thought at 5pm they would be at home. and we chose to start out journey at about mid day to coincide with a long nap for DD so that we don't have to juggle her during the train journey.

OP posts:
zimm · 20/12/2011 11:25
SusanneLinder · 20/12/2011 11:30

Sorry, but seems they have had this arrangement for a while. Friends Xmas Eve,family Xmas day. Personally I would get an earlier train and spend some time with them and let them go and do their own thing.

Seems lots of traditions at Xmas that people don't break , and then everyone gets in a fuffle about it all.:o

HelenBaaBaaBlackSheep · 20/12/2011 11:30

Strange that they can't meet you but not at all U for them to want to go out - sounds like the children will be tired and early to bed anyway.

Original poster
choceyes · 20/12/2011 11:33

Sounds like they want everyone to do exactly what they want them to do so's they get the best possible Xmas.

You've hit the nail on the head here. This is exactly what they are like.

My MIL throws a strop everytime somebody wants to do something different. Everything has to go excatly to her plans.

2 christmas's ago, when DS was 13 months old, he wasnt' well, had the flu on christmas day. We sat down to christmas lunch and I could see that he was tired unwell and sleepy. So I got up and got him into the pram and went for a walk outside to get him to sleep. By the time I got back (took about 15 mins in the end), everybody had finished lunch and was putting on their coats on to go out for a walk. I had to eat christmas lunch sat at the table on my own. MIL expected me to keep DS at the table even if he was ill, so that her lunch would go accordinly to plan. and she didn't talk to me for the rest of the day.

Nor why am I going down again Hmm

OP posts:
Fuzzywuzzywozabear · 20/12/2011 11:36

I wouldn't go - but then I am bloody minded!

callmemrs · 20/12/2011 11:36

They obviously have this long standing arrangment with friends every Xmas eve. And in many ways, count your blessings- they are independent, have their own life and aren't relying on you for all their Xmas socialising. Many people would be grateful to arrive and have a bit of space to settle in, get the kids to bed and have a quiet drink together .

The thing that really confuses me- why do y

ViviPrudolf · 20/12/2011 11:37

OP you are a SAINT for agreeing to travel all that way, on public transport, to spend Christmas in someone else's home, moreover in the home of the PiL's with whom you are not desperately enamoured with. And then not to even be greeted with warmth and hospitality. How unspeakably joyless.

On second thoughts, you're not a saint. You're barking. Make this the last year you abide by this wholly unreasonable state of affairs and plan to make some Christmas traditions of your own in your own home next year.

Original poster
choceyes · 20/12/2011 11:37

Yes it is probably a tradition that they go to see these friends for christmas eve and I understand that. Seems trange to me though why they can't go a bit later.

Haven't thought about what to do about the car seat situation. I think we will just end up walking.

OP posts:
ViviPrudolf · 20/12/2011 11:38

My MIL throws a strop everytime somebody wants to do something different. Everything has to go excatly to her plans.

So does mine. That's her tough shit.

callmemrs · 20/12/2011 11:38

Why do you choose to arrive at 5 on Xmas eve? Why not arrive earlier? Or drive down? (your mention of not having car seats with you implies you do have a car) . Driving would give you total control over timings. I don't think it's your in laws going out which is the problem - I think it's your reliance on them.

callmemrs · 20/12/2011 11:38

Sorry- split post there!

ViviPrudolf · 20/12/2011 11:38

She's explained why. That is totally not the point anyway.