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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it is weird that the PIL are going out xmas eve just as we are arriving?

371 replies

choceyes · 20/12/2011 11:09

Going down to my in-laws on christmas eve. It is a 5 hour journey, so they live quite far away so don't see the kids much (maybe 5/6 times a year). We are going by train with two DCs, 3yrs and 16 months. Will probably be tired by the time we get there. Would have been nice if the in-laws were there to entertain and put at least DS to bed.
Now we don't mind putting them to bed etc, but I'm finding it strange that every year (we have been every year since DS was born, so this is the 4th year), we get there on christmas eve and they go out that evening to see friends.

They really want the kids there (they say) and get upset if it is suggested we don't come down, so I dunno..I find it a bit strange.

We are arriving at about 5pm, and apprently they can't meet us at the train station, which is nearly half an hour walk away, as they will be out already. Can't get a taxi as no car seats with us and there are no black cabs there either ( a small town).

I know they have their own lives and I don't care if they are there or not really as I don't particuarly get on well with them, and I can just crash outon the sofa and watch a film/read a book without having to make small talk.

I just find it a bit strange....AIBU? (totaly prepared to be told I am)

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 20/12/2011 15:26

Very well put. GwendolineMaryLacedwithBrandy. I think that is point most of us have failed to explain.

TheCrunchUnderfoot · 20/12/2011 15:27

Do you know what I'd do... I'd go to your parents at Christmas Eve instead, and go round to the PIL for Xmas lunch. Or, I'd stay home.

Be brave, start making your OWN traditions. Get into that festive spirit and make your own home a special Christmassy place! That's what your kids will really enjoy. Just because it wasn't your childhood tradition doesn't mean you can't start now, now that you have your own family.

When you first spoke about wanting to have Christmas at the inlaws for the kids' sake, I thought it must be that your PIL put on an amazing time, that it's fun, festive, etc. It doesn't sound that way though! - you can have all the trimmings in the world, but if the hosts are busy being uptight that the Perfect Xmas Lunch is being ruined by a baby needing a break then... hmm, sorry, but you're more likely to make those happy family memories sitting around with the chocs watching xmas telly in your own relaxed fashion - yes even with a tiny tree!

If you really don't want to go, I'd talk to your DH and try and get out of it. Illness maybe? And in future, stay home, get a massive tree, set aside a lovely day to decorate it, have the Xmas lunch you want (invite your parents up next year perhaps?) and make the day your own, you and your children.

And the PIL will be furous, and you'll calmly inform them that this is what YOU want to do this year. And that they should understand that, given that they always have the Christmas they want. Fair's fair!

callmemrs · 20/12/2011 15:28

Choc eyes- I do feel sorry for your children that you judge them at 3 years old and 16 months old as 'not appreciating' (your words) any effort that you might put into decorating the house and generally making the effort to create some seasonal cheer.
Don't misunderstand me- I am not saying that a child needs to celebrate Xmas to be happy. Many families don't celebrate it.
The reason i feel sorry for them is that you have such a low view- that somehow they won't 'appreciate ' it and therefore it's not worth doing as a family. And yet it matters enough to go 5 hours south to do it......

ViviPrudolf · 20/12/2011 15:28

What are you doing for Christmas, MrSpoc

callmemrs · 20/12/2011 15:29

Well said mrspoc!

ViviPrudolf · 20/12/2011 15:29

Good post, TheCrunch

oldmerryolesoul · 20/12/2011 15:32

Why are you even bothering ? Have your own Christmaa in your own house, if they are that desperate to see the DC's they will come to you. I think that when you have young DC's they deserve to have Christmas in their own surroundings unless there is a better altenative. I dont see the point in dragging yourselves out for hours to a crappy Christmas

Original poster
choceyes · 20/12/2011 15:35

CallmeMrs - I have put on a few decs and tried to engage DS in hanging stuff on the tree, but he is not interested. DD just tried to grab the baubles and eat them. I have got stockings which I have hung on their doors, but didn't get much of an enthusiastic reponse from either child.
I want them to enjoy the "magic" of christmas, but not so desparetely as to go to a lot of effort myself. They can have it at their GPs this year and maybe next year they will get into the spirit a bit more I hope.

OP posts:
Original poster
choceyes · 20/12/2011 15:36

Yes good post TheCrunch.

I don't know why I bother oldmerryolesoul, I really don't know now.

OP posts:
callmemrs · 20/12/2011 15:37

Hear hear oldmerrysoul.
If there is some religious or philosophical objection to celebrating christmas then fine, don't do it. And the children would be fine being raised like that. But if it matters enough to observe it, the children deserve a bit of effort being made so they can experience it in their own surroundings

weblette · 20/12/2011 15:41

I've always thought Christmas was about expectation management - if you go into the whole thing expecting some Dickensian family fest you're more likely than not to be disappointed.

What were your Christmases like as a child OP?

YuleingFanjo · 20/12/2011 15:41

YABU.

Is there really a convenient time to leave for a 5 hour journey?

MrSpoc · 20/12/2011 15:44

ViviPrudolf - Feel free to critisie but i am looking forward to our first Christmas in our new house. 2 boys (2 - 3), wife, her family including her sis, FIL & MIL.

Every other year it has been Christmas dinner at PIL followed by a visit to my family.

Can't wait.

Original poster
choceyes · 20/12/2011 15:45

Can't really remember Weblette. Only thing I remember is my dad putting some sweets underneath my pillow once and saying it was from santa.
And despite that i did have an idyllic childhood!

OP posts:
ViviPrudolf · 20/12/2011 15:46

Why would I criticise? As I said, I'm just being nosey. First Christmas in our new house too. Can't wait either.

Original poster
choceyes · 20/12/2011 15:47

Rather, I found some sweets underneath my pillow and my dad said it was from santa, but even then I knew it was from him and not from santa!

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 20/12/2011 15:51

choceyes you never know, it could of been santa.

ViviPrudolf - i bet your just as excited as me. Can't wait, well i can when i think of the washing.

callmemrs · 20/12/2011 15:52

Your dd is 16 months old. Grabbing at baubles and attempting to eat them is normal behaviour at this age. And what response did you expect when you hung their stockings up? You say they seemed 'less than enthusiastic '. What did you want them to do?

I am finding this thread more and more bizarre. It seems to be about your very specific expectations of how others should behave.

I am sure your children would be fine spending Xmas with their parents in their own home- provided you relax and don't be so prescriptive about how you want them to respond . Just chill, and accept that toddlers and young children pick up On YOUR signals, so if you are expecting Xmas at home to be dull and boring then that will be their expectation too

Original poster
choceyes · 20/12/2011 16:02

Your dd is 16 months old. Grabbing at baubles and attempting to eat them is normal behaviour at this age.
Ofcourse it is. She acted like I expected her to.

So...what is your point exactly? I said they weren't that interested in christmas. What's so bizzare about that? Everybody has expectations on how others behave, don't they? Whether they behave this way or not is another matter and out of our control. I really fail to see your point. You seem to be arguing for the sake of it. None of it makes sense.

OP posts:
callmemrs · 20/12/2011 16:20

I commented on it precisely because you did op! Several posters were questioning why you seem so unenthusiastic about the prospect of christmas in your own home with your own children. In response you cited hanging decs on the tree and your toddler grabbing them - ie normal behaviour!!

That is my point. Your children behave like most young children do (apart from the car phobia which is extreme). Your in laws have a long standing tradition of seeing friends on Xmas eve. Normal behaviour.

I don't see what your point is frankly

JamieComeHome · 20/12/2011 16:25

Not being there to help and welcome your child, DIL, and GC, whom you see infrequently - not normal

callmemrs · 20/12/2011 16:29

Not if they have a longstanding tradition of going to friends early evening on Xmas eve jamie! It is the ops choice to arrive at precisely that time. She said they arrived a day earlier last year so the inlaws were around. Or do you think the inlaws shouldn't dare to visit their friends at all when the op is staying? (even tho op made it quite clear she was up for a night out if the inlaws could babysit!!!)

hocuspontas · 20/12/2011 16:36

Why can't your DH do all the christmassy stuff if you don't want to? Put the tree up, hang decs, cook a traditional lunch etc. after all he's the one whose had an upbringing where Christmas is celebrated. He'd know how to create the 'magic'.

azazello · 20/12/2011 16:38

As I think the Op has said several times, her PILS go out for the evening about 8. Not by 5. That is a special for this year. So they would usually be around to greet OP and her DH, say hello to the GCs they profess to 'need' to see and then go out when everyone settled.

For some reason this year, they are leaving at 5 to do the 10 minute (?) walk to a friend's house for an evening party which usually starts at 8.

OP YANBU. It is weird. Don't bother again.

callmemrs · 20/12/2011 16:40

Praps they are going for pre- dinner drinks at 5. How very dare they?!